What to Expect When You're Unexpected

Title: What to Expect When You’re Unexpected- Chapter 6
Rating: R
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.

Author Note: the restaraunt mentioned in the story actually exists in Batman, Turkey.


Three Weeks Later

“Surprise Sex!”

Batman groaned in frustration as the Joker came hurtling into the Bat mobile, completely naked. He had had a very long night battling with some new psycho calling himself “The Riddler”. He had managed to finally managed to trip up the Riddler with his obsessive need to solve riddles, and all Batman wanted to do now was sleep.

Tell that to his lower anatomy, which had decided it was time to be fully awake as the Joker threw his mask out of the vehicle and started tearing off whatever pieces of Kevlar suit he could get his nails under.

“I don’t suppose there’s any getting out of this?” Batman mumbled, finally helping with the removal of his protective suit. In the past few weeks, he had learned that it was just better to give into the insane, hormonal clown’s demands.

The one time he had managed to tell the Joker “no” ended with him waking up covered in pudding and feathers from multiple destroyed pillows. The amused looks from Alfred alone had pretty much ended Batman’s attempts for good at trying to deflect the sex-crazed, pregnant maniac.

So Batman was bi-sexual. He could live with that. Yep, bi-sexual.

Rational thought fled from the hero’s mind as Joker started a slow bounce and grind in his lap. “Fuck, god, yes,” Batman moaned, his hips snapping up of their own accord. He reached up, burying his hands in the Joker’s hair and pulling him down for a deep kiss. The Joker shuddered into orgasm, pulling Batman after him.

Joker calmed for the moment (though it would most likely be a short moment at best), cuddling in close.

The Joker suddenly gasped in surprise. “Did you feel that?” he squealed joyously.

“Er, feel what?” Batman asked warily. While the Joker’s moods had settled down for the most part, every now and again he would slip off the deep end.

“They moved!” the Joker yelped happily, grabbing Batman’s hand and placing it on his ever growing belly.

At first nothing happened. Then, a slight fluttering occurred beneath Batman’s hand. “Jesus, that’s really them, isn’t it?” he asked in awe. It was still amazing to think that something so wondrous was growing inside of this madman. Something that he had helped to create.

The Joker snuggled back in and started tracing lazy circles on the back of Batman’s hand. “Do you think they’ll be boys or girls?”

“I really haven’t thought about it that much,” Batman admitted. “In a few weeks we can go back to the doctor and take a peek, I suppose.” Pushing back the Joker’s hair, he lightly kissed the Joker’s forehead. “I’ll be back in a little bit. I need a shower and a change of clothes.”

The Joker watched as his lover disappeared from site, continuing to sit in the Bat mobile and rub his belly.

“What’s going to happen after the babies are born, sir?” Schiff asked, appearing from nowhere. He seemed to be getting very good at doing that lately.

“What are you talking about, Schiff?” the Joker snapped. “Once the babies are born, Bats and I will raise them of course.”

Schiff sighed loudly through his nose, resting his chin on his hand. “No offense, but it’s not like you two have much of a ‘relationship’. What if he kicks you out and keeps the kids for himself?”

The Joker really wanted to kill Schiff in that moment.

“I mean, what reason does he have to keep you around after the birth? Other than sex, you two really haven’t done much together,” Schiff pointed out, nervously pulling at his hair. “You might want to think about doing something about that, sir.”

The Joker really, really wanted to kill Schiff. With a spork.

“Maybe you should do more than fuck him, sir,” Schiff suggested. His people reading skills never were the greatest. “Like go out to dinner, and like… I don’t know, talk and stuff. Become a big part of his life, so he won’t want to get rid of you later.”

Damn it, Schiff had a point.

Three Days Later

Things had been moving along swimmingly the past few days for Batman. The Joker seemed satisfied with just one round of sex a night and had been keeping out of his way for the most part. Not that he didn’t enjoy lots of sex. But… well, damn! Lately the man seemed damned near insatiable.

Tonight has gone well so far. He had managed to get some major mobsters arrested. Gordon has told him that the press was getting ready to start spinning Batman in a positive light again. What more could he ask for? Maybe being allowed to take a shower before the Joker gave him his nightly molestation-

“Eh… hey, Bats, whatcha doin’?”

What the flying fuck?

“Joker, what are you doing on this frequency? It’s for emergencies only, and even then, it’s only supposed to be used by Alfred,” Batman ground out, gripping the wheel tightly. Oh please, let it be a Chinese food run the man wants.

“Well, you see, Batsy, I’ve been thinking,” the Joker explained. “You and I don’t spend nearly enough time together… you know, getting to really know each other. So, I’ve been planning something for the last few days-“

“I thought you didn’t plan,” Batman foolishly cut in.

“I plan when it’s god damned important, you son of a bitch!”

Batman winced. If he sucked at relationships with women, his skills with pregnant men were apparently even worse. Managing to get a placating tone into his voice, Batman replied, “So, what is it you have been planning?”

“Guess what I’m wearing?” the Joker chirped.

“Not while I’m driving, clown,” Batman growled. “Remember what happened last time?”

“It’s not like you killed anybody,” was the petulant response.

“I’m sure the postal service would share your view after I managed to take out two mail boxes.”

“Three!” the Joker reminded him.

“Fine, three.”

“Anyway, I’m not naked. So, guess what I’m wearing.”

“I don’t know.”

“Party pooper. I’m wearing this cute little black fringe dress with a lovely little pair of heels. I even put on the red wig you like so much. Now: guess where I am.”

Oh, hell no.

“In my bed room?” Batman asked hopefully.

“Nope. Guess again.”

“In the dining room?”

“Sorta,” the Joker giggled. “I’m in a dining room at the new Turkish place, Isot Lahmacun. Do you know where that is?”

Batman nearly drove off the road and ran over some nuns. “You’re out in public?” he managed to bite out without screaming.

“Don’t worry, no one would recognize me with the makeup job that Schiff did,” the Joker cooed. “Now, get over here as soon as you can, ‘Bruce’, and have dinner with your pregnant cousin Jackie.”

Forty Minutes Later

Bruce Wayne entered Isot Lahmacun. It was the new hip place to be if you wanted to be seen. Several belly dancers were performing between tables that sat low to the ground. The rooms were dark, deep reds and purples everywhere.

A hand shot up and waved him to a corner table.

“Damn,” he murmured appreciatively as he looked over the Joker. The scars had been hidden under some kind of material- latex perhaps? - and the red wig framed his face perfectly. A bit of material around the neck hid the obvious Adam’s apple. In a dark lit place like this, someone would have to look closely to tell that the Joker was not an actual woman. Even his nails were perfect in a lovely shade of blood red. “You look amazing,” Bruce finally managed to say as he sat down.

The Joker batted his eyelashes and look down demurely. “Why, thank you, dear ‘cousin’.” He propped his head up on one hand. “Hope you don’t mind that I all ready ordered. According to Schiff, this kind of food is excellent for pregnant women.”

Bruce nodded numbly, as a bottle of wine was placed next to him by some unseen waiter.

“Please, enjoy that. The waiter told me it would pair nicely with what I ordered us. I won’t know this time, though,” the Joker sighed wistfully, patting his belly. “Maybe next time.”

Bruce finally managed to get his bearings about him. “What’s with dinner, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Well, Schiff and I were talking, and I realized I don’t know all that much about you, Bats. And we felt it was high time that you and I got to know each other.”

Bruce raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “And you would actually tell me the truth about your past? Or am I supposed to tell you everything while you get away with making up stories?”

“I’ll tell you some version of the truth,” the Joker replied noncommittally.

“Well then, after Joe Chill was killed, I ran away to become a circus performer in Moscow. Unfortunately, I was kidnapped by lemurs and forced to do their bidding. I managed to escape after drugging them all and then I returned to Gotham to become Batman.”

The Joker glowered. “If you aren’t going to take this seriously-“

“It’s a version of the truth,” Bruce shot back. Taking a deep breath and a deep drink of his wine, Bruce smiled stiffly at the Joker. “How about we agree not to discuss the past at all if neither one of us is willing to tell the absolute truth.”

“Fine,” the Joker mostly mouthed at Bruce. “I used to live near Chicago. Lived there for about three years, right before I came back here. While I was there, I was working for a construction company in demolitions.”

Bruce stared at the Joker in shock. “Really?” he finally managed to ask.

The Joker sighed loudly. “What does it matter? Why do you need to know so much about where I come from? Who I was before Gotham? I still am who I am. Knowing how I got here isn’t going to change that, just make you feel a little better when you sleep at night when you can tell yourself: ‘So, that’s why he is the way he is.’ But it won’t change the fact that I am the way I am.” The Joker started to viciously tear apart a piece of bread. “Your turn.”

Fair is fair.

“I tried to kill the man who killed my parents, but the mob beat me to it. So I ran away thinking I could find my answers somewhere else. I traveled the world for seven years pretending to be someone I’m not only to have someone force the truth under my nose. It was because of this man that I ultimately took the last step into becoming Batman.”

“You nearly broke your little ole rule?” This would get the Joker’s attention.

“I’m glad I didn’t, because it would have made me no better than the very people I fight against.”

“Even though the ‘good’ people hate you? Even though locking up the criminals does nothing to stop the problem? If they’re dead, they can’t commit anymore crimes, ‘Brucie’.”

“I believe that people can learn. Not everyone but some. And if I kill them, then there is no opportunity for them to change.”

“Even me?” the Joker asked innocently.

“Yes,” Bruce asked without hesitation. “I believe that even someone like you can change given the right motivation. I don’t know if you will ever reach that point, but I believe that it is possible.”

“You know, if I change, you’ll need to change, too. Meet me half way, as it were,” the Joker pointed out, some strange meaning in his voice that Bruce didn’t quite grasp. Or maybe it was just that he didn’t want to grasp it.

It was at this time that plates of food were put in front of the couple. The Joker immediately tore into the hummus. “Not as good as the real thing, but damn close!” he said around a mouthful.

“You’ve been to Turkey?” Bruce asked.

“Nope, Egypt. And I think I might have been to Morocco once too. And before you ask, I was young, there was a lot of wine and god only knows what else, and that’s why I’m not sure if I’ve been to Morocco.”

Bruce nodded, eating a dolma. “Have you traveled the world much?”

The Joker shrugged. “Been around Europe in my college days, for as long as those lasted. Again, my memory gets a little shady from the afore mentioned reasons. Which is why you should just say no, or you will miss out on some of the best experiences of your life.” The Joker silenced himself with a kabob.

“I’m not so sure about that. How do you know you missed out on the ‘best’ experiences of your life? For all you know, Europe would have bored the hell out of you anyway. Or, if you hadn’t been in an altered state, you might have gotten yourself into real trouble?” Bruce challenged. The Joker raised his eyebrows at Bruce in genuine shock. “I mean, it’s not like you can go back in time, right? So, life is what life is. And regret won’t change that. Sure, there are some things that I would do differently if I had the chance, knowing what I know now. But I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t done what I did.”

“Careful, Bats, you’re starting to sound like me,” the Joker pointed out, gesturing with the kabob stick. “But you do make an excellent point. We are who we are because of what we’ve done. And there’s no changing it.”

“But you can change who you will be if you really want to.”

“Now you’re just getting unnecessarily philosophical on me when all I wanted was for us to have a nice night out.”

Suddenly, the belly dancers descended on the couple, eagerly pulling the Joker to his feet and enticing him to dance with them. At first he tried to back out, but then he caught sight of Bruce actually smiling and laughing. Well, I’ll try anything once.

The Joker followed what the girls told him to do. Though he was a little clumsy at first he managed to master a couple of basic moves. His hips moved from side to side, he undulated around his belly, all the while keeping eye contact with Bruce… Batman. Whoever. Did it really matter right now? This was the father of his children, and soon they would be together forever. Even if the Bat didn’t know it yet.

Smiling warmly, the Joker floated back to the table and sat close to Bruce. “How much longer until you finish eating?” he purred in Bruce’s ear. “I have a private show for you back in the limo, if you want.”

Bruce swallowed thickly.

Damn clown.