Hanging On

All previous disclaimers apply.

Author’s Note: Please, PLEASE drop a review if you have time. I’d really appreciate it.

“Ryan, coming out for dinner?”

Ryan looked up from his dance bag and the clothing he was tossing into it with a smile already on his face. He shook his head and called out his thanks before going back to digging through his bag. He could have sworn that he left his newsboy cap in the side pocket like he did with every single one of his hats every night after company rehearsal. The past six months had been like a haze of never ending dreams coming true. First, he had been placed in the advanced classes learning from Tala Alterman herself. Then, he had been accepted when he had auditioned for the company. The past four months he had been learning so much from so many talented dancers. It felt like it wasn’t real. How could it be real that he was allowed to dance with Mariella, who had been a professional dancer since she was sixteen? How could it be that she liked when they partnered? How could it be that he was considered almost on the same level as the same man who had been teaching him just months before? How could it be that they considered him their equal despite the fact that he was so much younger? Of course, he wouldn’t be allowed on the stage for nearly two more years, but that didn’t matter. He was right on track to achieving everything he had ever wanted. He was working harder than he had ever worked in his life, and longer hours, but he had never been happier. He still attended school, though he wondered if it was a waste of time now, but Tala insisted that all of her dancers finish school if they started it in the first place.

“Always finish what you start, babies. Who knows…That degree might just pay off someday.”

He was a little worried and upset that he hadn’t had much time for Chad lately, but Chad didn’t seem to mind. They still slept side by side in their bed, holding each other. They made love nearly every night and it was always incredible. They went out to dinner when they could. They were still as comfortable around each other as they had always been. But, sometimes Chad would get a far off look in his eye as if he was somewhere else entirely and not with Ryan at all and Ryan would have to gently coax him back to reality. To be honest, Ryan was worried that Chad wasn’t putting up more of a fuss that they didn’t have very much time at all together. Chad had always been an extremely possessive boyfriend. Possessive in a way that Ryan liked, wanting to be with him as much as possible, wanting to hold him and love him. Chad still made sure to tell Ryan that he was his number one priority, that everything else was second to their love, but Ryan was starting to doubt it. If he was the only thing on Chad’s mind, why did Chad go so far away sometimes when they were together? If Chad still loved him like he had before, why wasn’t he more upset that they didn’t have as much time together?

He growled at his bag when his hat failed to materialize and felt the tears fill his eyes. He knew exactly what was going on. He just had to admit it to himself. Chad wasn’t upset because he had found someone else already. He wasn’t cheating on him, Ryan knew that much. Chad was too good a guy and his mother had raised him too well. He would never cheat and he did believe that he was still in love with Ryan as he had been, but there was someone else Chad saw sometimes. And someday soon he would realize that he wanted to be with someone else more than he cared to work it out with a boyfriend who was never around. He wanted to fight for Chad, but he wanted his career, too. Did he want his career more? Was he just being stupid and ridiculous? Maybe Chad was just into his classes. That was probably it. He felt his heart clench. He didn’t want to lose Chad. Chad was the first person to love him the way he had always wanted to be loved and his longest relationship to date. He didn’t want to lose the comfort of knowing there was always someone to go to, to love, to hold.

“Looking for this?” Ryan’s head snapped up when a voice interrupted his thoughts. Andrei stood in the door of the changing room, Ryan’s striped newsboy cap dangling off of his finger.

“You found it!” Ryan forced a happy tone around the lump of emotion in his throat, “Where was it?”

“In the hall outside of the studio. It must have fallen out of your bag earlier.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I thought I took it off in here, but I guess I must just be a little crazy.” He laughed a little and was mortified when it turned into a little sob. Scrubbing the back of his hand over his eyes, he turned away from Andrei and tried to pull himself under control again.

“Hey, hey,” Andrei’s smooth low voice was comforting and the hand he set to Ryan’s shoulder was real and warm, “What is it, Ryan? What’s wrong?”

When Ryan only began to cry harder Andrei spun the younger man around and into a comforting embrace. Ryan went into it willingly, tucking his head against Andrei’s shoulder and letting his tears fall with no shame. Andrei rocked him gently, shushing him quietly.

“What is it, little one?” Andrei asked when the sobs had calmed a little.

“I think…” Ryan hiccupped, “I think my boyfriend must be in love with someone else.”

“Why do you think that?” Andrei questioned softly, “Has he said anything about wanting to break up or something of that kind?”

“No,” Ryan admitted, feeling the shame and embarrassment coming up into his cheeks, “He’s never said anything like it, but I just…I just feel it.”

“Sometimes our instincts are the only things we have.” Andrei wrapped him in his arms again, “Yours seem to be good. Mine, on the other hand, are not so good.”

“Why do you say that?” Ryan pulled back just enough to grab one of the clean towels from his bag and wipe his face clean of the remaining evidence of his tears and upset.

“Because you’re very vulnerable right now, Ryan. Vulnerable and beautiful and all my instincts keep screaming at me to do is kiss you. And it’s the last thing you need right now.”

“No,” Ryan froze half way through putting his towel away, his back to Andrei. If Chad was already through with their relationship, whether he knew it or not yet, then when he finally did break it off between them Ryan wanted to be able to hurt him just as much as he was going to be hurt, “No, I’d say your instincts are just right. I need to be kissed.”

He realized what he had just said and in an instant knew that he could never hurt Chad with betrayal, no matter if Chad had hurt Ryan or not, and was about to add, “But, not by you,” when suddenly he was spun around into Andrei’s arms and the older man had crushed his lips against his. The kiss couldn’t have been more different than when Chad kissed him. Even when Chad had still been in the closet, he had never kissed Ryan without a care as to how Ryan felt about the kiss. But, everything about the way Andrei was kissing him, from the way he pushed his tongue deep into Ryan’s mouth before he was ready for it to the way he held Ryan tight enough to bruise let Ryan know that he didn’t care about the kiss they were sharing. He didn’t care about Ryan at all. Then, the angle of the kiss changed and it was a little bit better and suddenly Ryan thought that maybe Andrei wasn’t so bad, that he had just been over zealous. He knew he was wrong and that Andrei didn’t give a shit about him when he let Ryan go and he was just grinning like he had won some sort of prize.

“So, how was that to make you forget your boyfriend?” Andrei asked, arrogance in every aspect of him, “There’s more from where that came from. How about we head over to my place?”

“How about we don’t,” Ryan shook his head and backed away.

“You being a little cock tease?” Andrei’s eyes narrowed.

“I guess I am,” Ryan answered, “But if I’m going to be cheating on my boyfriend, whether he’s in love with someone else or not, it’s not going to be with you.”

Ryan picked his back up and felt confident as hell as he walked away from the sputtering man.

“Good for you, Ryan,” Tala slipped out of the shadows when he was in the hall, “Andrei’s made it his little game for the past three years to sleep with every new boy who joined the company. Most weren’t able to resist him. Obviously you know yourself better. I’m glad. He needed to be knocked down a peg. He’s a good dancer and an awful human being.”

“Then why is he in the company? And why didn’t you warn me about him before?”

“You’re young, Ryan, you’re not stupid. Even if I’d warned you about him he still would have tried and you might have given in just to prove to me that he wanted you and not just another notch on his bedpost. As for why, he’s in the company…if I turned down every dancer who was an arrogant ass my company would only have three dancers. You’re both adults. I’ll trust you to handle yourselves accordingly. I’ll see you this weekend for the intensive.”

“Shit!” Ryan dropped his bag, “I completely spaced telling you that I made plans to go home this weekend to see one of my sister’s productions and spend some time with my family. Chad and I are leaving on Thursday, but we’ll be back on Monday.”

“Ryan, you are an apprentice in a professional company. Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. This weekend is not optional. Maybe you’re not willing to dedicate yourself like I thought. If you’re not there are fifty more dancers in the school right now who would be more than willing to take your slot.”

“But…” Ryan sputtered, “Tala! I haven’t been home in months! I didn’t even go back for Christmas because we had an intensive starting the day after!”

“That’s the price you pay for being a professional, Ryan. You make the choice.”

“Tala, I…”

“Don’t want to hear it, Ryan,” Tala held up a hand, “Sometimes I’m your friend. Sometimes I’m the woman running the company. Right now I’m the women running the company. I need to know that you’re not going to flake out every time some little thing comes up. Maybe if you hadn’t spaced it we could have worked something out. As it is, either you’re here this weekend or you’re out of the company. It’s as simple as that. Now, go home, Ryan. Get some sleep.”

He was still angry, fuming really, when he stormed into the dorm room he shared with Chad and he saw red. Chad was already packing a bag for their weekend in New Mexico. He seemed happy and full of energy as he bounded up to Ryan and hugged him excitedly. Ryan pushed him away, disgusted and was feeling just vindictive enough that he took pleasure in the brief pain that flashed across Chad’s face before it was replaced with concern.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing’s wrong. And don’t call me baby!” Ryan hissed.

“Ryan…I’ve always called you baby. You’ve never complained before. What is it? What’s wrong with you?”

“Maybe I just don’t feel like you deserve to give me pet names after the way you’ve been treating me the past couple of months!” Ryan screamed, “Ignoring me like I’m not here. Having your mind on something else entirely even when we do get some time together! Something or someone!”

“Ryan, why are you saying these things?” Chad asked, the hurt spreading across his face. Ryan had expected anger. He could have dealt with anger. Instead all Chad’s hurt did was make him more furious, “How have I been treating you? I thought everything was fine! I thought we were fine! I…I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted, it’s just that I think I’ve finally found what I want to do and it’s kind of got me excited. You’re never here. I just thought we were learning to get along without each other, like you said we had to and when things calmed down a little for both of us, we’d be us again, we’d be okay. It’s just an adjustment period, Ry. But, we can use this weekend to talk it out, can’t we? We can use this weekend to learn to be us again.”

“I’m not going home with you this weekend, Chad,” Ryan let his voice cool as he sat at his computer and turned it on, “There’s an intensive this weekend I can’t miss.”

“Ryan, you haven’t been home at all since we got here!” There was the anger Ryan had wanted, “Sharpay was counting on you to be at her performance this weekend. You promised her!”

Ryan sneered, hating himself, but knowing that if he didn’t stay angry he would cry, “I’m working on my career, Chad. It’s more important than going to see a subpar college performance just because my semi talented sister is in it.”

Chad backed into his desk as if Ryan had slapped him, “Who are you? I don’t even know you. What happened? What’s going on? Why are you acting this way?”

Ryan stood. He hated lying to Chad, but it was the only way to get Chad mad enough to break it off before he could hurt him even more, “I just realized today that if I want to get everything I’ve ever dreamed I have to take it and not worry about anyone else.”

“Ryan, this isn’t you,” Chad was across the room like lightning, and cupping Ryan’s face in his hands, “What’s wrong? What’s gotten into you? You’re scaring me!” He leaned in and kissed Ryan with all the passion he had, as if he could bring Ryan back to him like in a fairy tale. When he pulled back Ryan almost pulled him close again, wanting to tell him he was sorry, wanting to tell him he didn’t mean anything he had said in the past ten minutes, that he loved Chad, that he didn’t love anyone else and never could. That he knew his family, Chad’s family, and their love was the most important thing in his life. But, when he saw the stunned disbelief on Chad’s face and the betrayal in his eyes he knew it was too late. Chad had just discovered something that Ryan would never be able to take back.

“You…” Chad touched his lips, “You taste like someone else.”

Ryan tossed his hair, needing to finish everything, “I wanted him,’’ he shrugged, “So, I took him.”

Chad grabbed his keys and ran from the room, leaving everything else behind, including his cell phone, Ryan realized. As soon as the door was shut he fell to his knees and began to sob. What the hell had he just done and why had he even done it? How could he ever expect Chad to forgive him when he didn’t even know why he had hurt him in the first place? He curled around himself and cried himself to sleep, only waking when his cell phone rang at four o’clock in the morning.

“Ryan,” Sharpay’s voice was flat, “There’s been an accident. You better come home. It’s Chad.”