A Trick of Eros

 

_~_~_~_~_~_

 

Chapter 7

Day 26; 1:45 am, Kirk Family Farm

Jim found that for whatever reason it was turning out to be surprisingly difficult to take the three steps to the sink to look at the small device that contained her future. Would she have to keep forcing herself to think in terms of being "female" or could she relax and start thinking in terms of being "male" again? It was strangely terrifying. She still had breasts and a vagina but she also had a penis, although there was still no outward sign of her testicles. God, that was just awkward to think. She was sick of being a girl and getting all those patronizing looks from the rest of the population of Riverside. Just because she hadn't changed back when everyone else did didn't mean anything! She had thought she could stand being female if it meant keeping Spock, but with him so far away she realized she couldn’t…didn’t want to stay a girl forever.

Taking a deep breath and drawing up all the courage she could spare Jim stood up and went to stand in front of the sink, staring down at the innocent looking white test stick. This was it. Time to see if she had kept a bit of Spock with her or if her biology was just fucking with her.

'DATA INCONCLUSIVE.'

Jim shook the stick violently before looking at the screen. 'DATA INCONCLUSIVE,' flashed back at her.

Growling, Jim hurled the stick at the trash bin. This was ridiculous on far too many levels to be comfortable. He didn't want to be a 'she!' Not forever. At first he had thought he would be okay with it as long as he had Spock, but after returning to school...after returning Jim knew he couldn't be a girl. He had to be a boy. Even if it meant he had to be a pregnant boy. A boy that his K'diwa might not want. For a while it had been easy to be a girl. Spock had only seen him as a girl and had wanted her, had loved her. But now Spock was gone and the real world was pushing in and he couldn't pretend anymore.

Jim slumped to the ground, knees drawn up and pushed his hands through his hair. He wanted to know now. He should already know but Dr. O'Neill had had to reschedule their appointment until next week. Jim was sure the Doctor could have done some kind of test that could do better than 'DATA INCONCLUSIVE.'

Frustrated and more than a little pissed off, Jim pulled himself up from the floor and went back into her bedroom. The pregnancy test left forgotten on the bathroom floor.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

3:12 pm, Kirk Family Farm

Jim had slept fitfully after his morning pregnancy test. If he was truthful, he had been having a hard time sleeping for over a week now. He was constantly exhausted and it was getting harder to get up and do all the chores. He knew he could ask Scott for help but he was hesitant to do so. He didn't want to appear any weaker than he already did.

Forcing himself out of bed, Jim dressed and headed outside. Inside the barn Betsy gave him a disgruntled look. Her udder was overfilled and her feed barrel empty, not to mention the pungent scent from the cow patties in the straw. Jim wrinkled his nose but quickly led her to a clean stall and went to work milking her. Afterwards he set her loose in the pasture and headed back into the barn to clean out her stall.

It took far too long to clean it out with his body aching and begging to sleep, but he couldn't just leave it like that. He could have caused Betsy serious harm by missing her morning milking. Jim pushed his hands through his hair, tugging on the short strands. He would have to call Mr. Freedman to come out and to look her over. He couldn't afford to risk injury to Betsy due to his carelessness.

Jim looked at the now empty and clean stall. Shaking his head he moved out of the small space and headed towards the fresh hay bails. He would need to put a fresh layer down in the stall before he could put Betsy back in here for the night.

His back and arms were sore and Jim really didn't want to try and move the bails on his own, but he didn't have much choice. His body crying out in protest, Jim pulled at the heavy bails, slowly inching one off the pile. As the straw hit the floor Jim found his sight going gray around the edges. His legs suddenly felt like Jello and the floor began to tilt at an alarming angle. Before he met the floor the gray turned to black.

He didn’t know for how long he was unconscious, only that it must have been a while as the temperature in the barn seemed to have dropped by about three, maybe five degrees. Moaning at the dull pain throbbing in his body, Jim rolled over and pushed himself up and off the floor. Whatever was happening to him, whether it was just his body reverting back to male, or whether it was a possible pregnancy, it was getting dangerous. He knew he should at the very least consider asking Scott to come stay for a while to help with the farm, but he was so used to being independent. He had been basically running this farm since his Mother had left. He had never needed help before to take care of this place. He really didn’t want to have to get help now. He didn’t want to be seen as any weaker than he already was. People still talked about him, about his past. He didn’t want to add to their list of all time favorite gossip.

 

Jim pushed the hay bail into the stall and quickly went about setting it up for tonight. His mind continued to wander, thinking up different possibilities, different paths to take. Should he buy another pregnancy test or wait until his appointment with Dr. O’Neill? Should he write to Spock or wait for Spock to write him? In the end he decided he really wanted to hear from Spock. So he made his way to the house, already preplanning what he should write. If he didn’t think it over he would probably spend all night writing and rewriting it.

 

Jim grabbed his PADD and went to sit in the wing-back chair in the library. He had been thinking about writing to Spock for a couple days now. He didn’t really now what to say to him other than he missed Spock and wanted to see him again. But that just made him feel completely lame. He knew Spock would want to know about what was happening, how things at school were going but Jim wasn’t sure that would be very interesting for his Vulcan. True Spock had been very interested in Jim for the few days they were here but would he really want to hear about Jim’s fight with Shorrden? Or how long and dull the graduation ceremony was and that the after party had been in Kathy Howard’s barn. He probably wouldn’t like hearing that Jim was tossing his cookies all the time or that he hadn’t been able to keep up all the farm chores and try to find a job, that Jim was just exhausted all the time. But there really wasn’t mush else to tell Spock. So in the end he did spend several hours before putting Betsy back in the barn, writing and rewriting his first letter to Spock.

 

The letter ended up being nearly fives pages long and full of all the stuff Jim had told himself not to say. In some ways he thought it more resembled a diary entry than a love letter. He was sure though that Spock would like to hear that Jim was being faithful and that he wanted desperately to see Spock again. Jim had even stuffed a couple pictures of him (still looking rather female) standing next to Scott and Mr. Freedman after the graduation ceremony. Jim knew he should tell Spock the truth, that Jim was really a boy and that he had accidentally turn into a girl due to some freak accident during a Chemistry class. But he wasn’t ready to. Not just yet. Soon though, soon he would tell Spock. Perhaps in the next letter, after Spock had written back.

 

Jim looked down at the paper envelope, thick and full of his emotions and deceptions. He could only hope that Spock would write back quickly. Jim stroked his fingers over the envelope one more time and turned away to get ready for bed.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

 

Day 32; 6:05 am, Kirk Family Farm

 

Paul had been thinking about Jim for a few days now. He had gone over to check over Betsy after Jim admitted that he had slept through Betsy’s morning milking. It was certainly unusual. Jim had always been a very responsible lad when it came to that farm. So Jim missing something that he had been doing since he was five, struck Paul as a sign that something was wrong. Jim had looked pale, with heavy bags under his eyes. Hell, even his smile, which normally lit up the room like the fourth of July, was dull and almost lifeless. He had been very worried, especially once his son had told him that Jim had been sick during graduation.

Paul had been good friends with George and he had known Jim since the lad was knee high to a grasshopper. He knew that Jim had been hurt a lot during his lifetime and Paul didn’t want to see it happen again. There was no one there now to take care of Jim. No one to rest a hand on his temple and test for a fever. No one to make him soup and argue with him to get some rest. No one to tease him and ruffle his hair. No one to smile at him in the mornings and greet him when he comes home. George wouldn’t have wanted that for either of his children.

Nodding to himself, Paul decided he would head over to the Kirk Farm and check on Jim. The lad shouldn’t be there all on his own and Paul would convince him of that. At the least Scott could stay there with Jim, but hopefully Jim would agree to just move in here until he was back to full health.

Course of action decided, Paul went to grab his keys, whistling for his two dogs to follow and headed for his truck. He would head on over and see about giving Jim a helping hand before he went in to town and opened his Vet Clinic for the day. If possible he would try to convince Jim to let Scott and him help him more than they already were and maybe he could even convince Jim to come and work at the Clinic. It would certainly make it easier on Jim to have a steady income, but it would also be a good way to monitor the lads health. He didn't like the idea of Jim being sick and alone in that house. Too much could happen.

Paul held the door to his truck open as Amin and Kalilia came running. The two dogs barked excitedly at the sight of the truck and tried to jump into the cab at the same time. Paul chuckled and held Kalilia back as Amin hopped inside. The big male circled the cab once and then sat down in the middle of the bench style seat. The moment he had claimed his spot Paul let go of Kalilia and let her jump inside taking the spot between Amin and the door. Paul shook his head, a warm smile stretching his lips, and circled around to the drivers side and hopped in. The engine purred to life as he turned the key in the ignition.

The truck was old, built sometime in the 1970's, but was still in surprisingly good condition. The engine had been replaced years ago with a modern engine to keep up with the Federation laws regarding toxic emissions. He liked his classic Earth vehicles but he wasn't of the opinion that keeping them historically accurate was more important than the careful regeneration of the ozone. The Vulcan's had gone through a lot of trouble when they helped to found the Federation, to make the planet's environments stable and healthy.

Paul spent a lot of time musing on the matter while he tried not to think about what could have made Jim so sick. It was only a distraction but he would prefer not to think about the matter until he saw Jim for himself again. If the boy was still as sick looking as last week, well...he wasn't going to give Jim or Doc O'Neill the chance to reschedule the appointment.

The road to the Kirk Farm were still dry and a cloud of yellow dust rose up from his tires. If Jim was up then he was bound to see the dust cloud long before he actually saw the truck. Still Paul always worried about just dropping by without notice, it went against the grain on every bit of manners his Mother had beat into his head as a child.

"A bit late to worry about that now, huh, loves?" Paul let his right hand leave the wheel to scratch Amin's head. "Bad manners, but I'm sure Jim will at least be happy to see you two."

By the passenger-side door Kalilia's tail was wagging furiously as she caught sight of the old farmhouse. Amin was hardly any better.

Paul stopped the truck and placed it in park before stepping out, the two dogs surging out behind him. "Everything is quiet out front so Jim must still be in the back."

Looking away from the front if the house Paul made his way around the side and to the back where the barn and small garden were. He could see a hint of light peeking out from beneath the bar door and there in the pasture alongside the barn was Betsy the cow, quietly grazing on the yellow grass. A good sign that Jim had not overslept and missed milking her. Thinking Jim must still be in the barn working on something else, Paul calmly made his way over to the barn door. As he stepped inside something tickled at his brain. Something was off kilter here.

Looking around Paul realized Jim wasn't here even though the light was on. Jim wasn’t in the empty stalls and he couldn’t hear anything moving in the hayloft. Moving further into the barn, Paul stopped as a cold shiver went down his spine. Looking around he realized the blast of cold air had come from the open dairy freezer.

 

Suddenly it was hard to breathe. Every terrifying thought of what was making Jim so sick hit him fast and hard. Without hesitation he ran to the freezer, practically throwing himself into the small cold room. His breath came out a frozen gush of frosty air but it wasn't the low temperature of the room that frozen his blood. It was the sight of his dead friend's son, of Jim, laying unconscious on the floor of the freezer his lips already turning blue.


* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Day 33; 10:52 am, Riverside General

The light that reached his eyes as they cracked open was nearly blinding. Wincing, Jim squeezed them shut and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his temples and behind his eyes. When that didn't make the pain any less he tried to focus on the rest if his body. Every muscle felt as if it was weighed down by a Starship nacelle. For a moment he thought maybe someone had tied him down and drugged him, because damn but he was tired. It was like he hadn't slept for a week.

"Hey there kiddo, you can open your eyes. The lights are lower set now."

Warily cracking open one eye, Jim looked toward the sound of the familiar voice.

"Not so bad now, is it?" Paul Freedman gave Jim a tired smile.

Jim blinked. The older man looked about as exhausted as Jim felt. There was something weak, almost desperate in his eyes as they watched Jim. Jim felt his cheeks heating with blood as they watched each other. He could imagine this is what it must feel like to have a parent worried about you. 'What a novel experience.'

Jim licked his lips and finally let his gaze shift away from Mr. Freedman, to look about the room. 'Bland colorless walls, terribly scratchy linens, bleach smell...yeah, another hospital. Fuck.' Jim looked back to Mr. Freedman. "What happened?"

"We were hoping you could tell us, Jim. I found passed out and nearly hypothermic in the cold storage room in your barn."

Jim's eyebrows drew together as he tried to remember. "I was putting the milk away...I had gotten it put in the pasteurizer...I had set the bucket down to get...something. I don't...I...the ground came up..."

"It's okay, Jim. Don't push yourself." Paul put his large hand on Jim's shoulder, squeezing lightly. "Doc O'Neill has done some preliminary tests since they got you back to a healthy temperature, to see what is going on. She's still waiting on the last of the results though. But it sounds to me like you fainted. Have you been eating alright? I have some good stew at home you can have."

"I'm eating fine," Jim looked away, the blush in his cheeks spreading up to his ears.

"He needs a bit more vitamins in his diet, Paul," stated Dr. O'Neill as she stepped in the room. "Mr. Kirk is anemic, strangely enough he is copper anemic rather than iron anemic." The doctor frowned at her PADD, barely looking up at Jim in her frustration. “Mr. Kirk did you engage in penetrative sex during the period of time in which you were fully female?”

 

Jim’s eyes went wide and he quickly looked away. He couldn’t believe that she was asking him that while Mr. Freedman was in the room. How could she expect him to just answer that? God, could this day be any more embarrassing?

 

“Jim,” Dr. O’Neill’s voice came out a bit irritated and Jim suddenly realised she must have tried to get his attention a couple of times now. “While I realise this must be very boring for you,” her gaze narrowed and Jim found himself grimacing. She was so good at making him feel guilty for nothing. “You should answer me.”

 

“Yes…”

“Yes, what, Jim?”

 

“Yes I had penetrative sex with a guy.”

 

“Scott,” asked Mr. Freedman

 

Jim’s head jerked towards Mr. Freedman. “Oh hell no! I promise it wasn’t Scott.”

 

Mr. Freedman couldn’t help but smirk at the panicked look on Jim’s face. “Would it be bad if it was?”

 

“NO! Scott is great really, I just…uh…we aren’t-“

 

“Relax, Jim. I’m just teasing you.”

 

“That’s all well and good you two, but I will need to know who you slept with, Jim,” stated Dr. O’Neill. “I’ll need to get his medical files incase there are any anomalies we should be aware of.”

 

“I…uh,” Jim blushed and looked down. “It was the Vulcan boy, Spock, who stayed at my house.”

 

“A Vulcan? Really,” Dr. O’Neill looked at Jim shocked. “Well, that would explain the copper deficiency.” Dr. O’Neill shook her head. “I would love to help with this but I don’t have the right kind of training for such a high risk pregnancy, especially not for a hybrid baby. I’m going to get a few more scans and then I am going to contact a college at Starfleet Medical. He has more experience with hybrid physiology and male pregnancy than anyone in the state.”

 

“Starfleet? Do you have to contact them?”

 

Dr. O’Neill gave Jim a long penetrating look before letting a small smile appear. “He isn’t a part of Starfleet but he does work with them on occasion and does lectures for their advanced medical classes. He is the most qualified Doctor I can think of to help with this and I’m sure this will be far more interesting for him than anything Starfleet will be throwing at him right now.” Dr. O’Neil picked up the tricorder on the table by the door and set about scanning his abdomen and groin. “Dr. Phlox will likely want to do some more tests of his own once he gets here but until then you can rest.” Nodding at the tricorder she quickly made some more notes on her PADD. “I want you to stay overnight for observation. We’ll see how you are in the morning and if it looks good you can go home with Mr. Freedman. Since this is a high-risk pregnancy, Jim, I need you to stay with someone. We can’t risk you collapsing again like you did today.”

 

Jim nodded, feeling suddenly serious. The pregnancy shouldn’t surprise him. He had thought for a while now that he must be pregnant, that that was why he hadn’t fully changed back to being male. Still he could feel the vice-like grip momentarily squeeze his heart until he had to fight to take in a breath. “Yeah, maybe that is for the best, I guess.”

 

“Good.” Dr. O’Neill turned and nodded for Paul to join her in the hallway. “I’ll need you to fill out some papers for me, Paul and then we can let Mr. Kirk rest up until later.”

 

“Sure,” Paul patted Jim’s knee before standing and following the doctor out of the room.

 

Jim watched them through the window for a few minutes, wondering what they were talking about that they didn’t want him to hear before falling back into sleep.

 

 


* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Day 35; 11:15 am, Kirk Family Farm

 

In the end Dr. O’Neil had managed to keep Jim in the hospital for an extra day and a half before she would let him be signed out. It was irritating being confined to the small room and the uncomfortable bed. The only people who came to see him were Mr. Freedman and Scott, well besides all the Nurses and the doctor herself, but they hardly counted as they were only there for their jobs and not Jim. It was depressing really. The hospital must have tried to call his Mom or Sam but of course neither had answered. He doubted they would have located Sam, wherever he had run away to years ago and his Mother never responded. It didn’t matter what he did, how badly hurt he was, she never answered any of the messages Jim sent through the right Starfleet channels.

 

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. These were old wounds and he couldn’t let them keep hurting him. He was an adult now, admittedly he was still a minor by the letter of the law but he had his own home he was taking care of, a promise of an income once he was ready, a fiancé waiting for him to be of age and a child on the way. He was an adult in all the ways that really mattered to him.

 

“Are you hungry at all, Jim? You didn’t eat breakfast and you need to keep your health up.”

 

Jim looked away from the fireplace to where Scott was standing next him, one dark mocha colored hand resting against the back of Jim’s chair. Even now looking up at Scott’s striking visage he was reminded of Spock. Where Scott’s black hair was long and held back in a braid going down his back, Spock’s was neatly trimmed and short, barley more than stubble at the base of his skull. Scott’s skin was warm and dark and Spock a pale white, tinted lightly with an olive tone from his green blood. Both seemed to have the same rich coffee colored eyes, but the eyebrows…oh those eyebrows of Spock’s, so mobile and graceful as they arched up his forehead. They were both so very different and yet both of them had the same warm aura of gentle kindness radiating from them.

 

“Jim?”

 

“No, sorry…yeah I suppose I should eat something.”

 

Scott smiled, flashing white teeth. “Alright then, anything specific?”

 

Jim scrunched up his nose as he thought. Some of his favorite foods were making him ill just smelling them, which sucked. He wanted a chocolate banana milk shake so bad, but the scent of the chocolate was making him nauseous. “Do we have any bananas?”

 

“Yeah, a few. Do you want me to get some more next time we head into town?”

 

“Yeah, I seemed to have an easier time with fruits and vegetables…actually some spinach with the banana would be good, maybe some Greek yogurt as well.”

 

Scott chuckled and ruffled Jim’s hair. “I’ll see what I can do. We don’t have any yogurt but there is still some cottage cheese?”

 

Jim glanced at his belly and looked back up to Scott. “Okay add a bit of that in as well.”

 

“Can do.” Scott shook his head and chuckled as he head out of the library through the formal sitting room and into the kitchen.

 

Jim had to chuckled quietly to himself. He had the stereotypical strange food cravings, and somehow he was sure they would likely get weirder as the pregnancy progressed. But he supposed that weird cravings were the least of his worries.

 

It didn’t take long for Scott to fill up one of the stoneware soup bowls with chopped up banana bits, fresh spinach leaves and add a dollop cottage cheese to the top. While the dish looked absolutely disgusting it also looked freakishly appetizing to his pregnant stomach. Scott looked away, his face a little green from watching Jim eat.

 

“Oh thank God,” Scott practically ran out into the hall as they heard the sound of his Dad’s truck pull into the drive.

 

Jim barely glanced up from his bowl as Scott headed outside to meet his Dad and Dr. Phlox. It wasn’t because he was scared of a doctor. He was James T Kirk, no doctor was going to make him hide in his library. No, he was just too comfortable to move. That was all.

 

The sound of footsteps in the hall and a new soft voice filtered into Jim. He almost got up to go see the famous Dr. Phlox but figured the doctor was here to see him and he was the pregnant one so the good doctor would just have to suffer with Jim’s lack of manners.

 

He could hear Scott talking as he took the doctors coat, putting it away in the hall closet. Mr. Freedman chuckling softly and interjecting with comments as he lead the other two into the library where Jim was (not so patiently) waiting. He had never meet a Denobulan before so that was kind of cool, but he could do without the guy being a doctor, or affiliated with Starfleet. Although that might be good. Maybe he knew Winona and would let slip her youngest was pregnant. Maybe then she would care – no, he had to be realistic. She would never care. She had made sure he understood that from a young age. If she cared she would have been there when he came back from Tarsus IV. Instead she had hidden away under a blanket response of “I’m on long term assignment.” Bull shit! Starfleet would have let her come to get him if she had asked. They had done so for Kevin and Mari-Anne’s parents. His Mother just didn’t love him. Not even enough to at least ask how he was doing after being witness to…to all of that.

 

“You must be, Jim,” The Denobulan, Dr. Phlox, was an elderly man with a rather large, but warm smile. The ridges along his temples were prominent but also pretty cool. Overall he had a rather pleasant face that reminded Jim of old man Sexton, who played Santa every year for the town.

 

“Yeah, that’d be me.”

 

Dr. Phlox came to sit on the couch near Jim, his hands carefully resting in his lap. “When you are ready we will go ahead and head to another room to begin the exam.”

 

“Okay.” Jim glanced down at the empty bowl in his lap. “We can use the guest room just across the hall. Now, I guess.”

 

“Very well.” Dr. Phlox gave Jim a wide smile that seemed to split his face. “This is quit exciting. You will be the second human male pregnancy I have had the good fortune to be witness to.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Indeed. The first was aboard the Enterprise under Captain Archer’s command. Commander Tucker was accidentally impregnated by a Xyrillian female while assisting them in repairs to their vessel.(1)”

 

“Um, Okay.” Jim gave Dr. Phlox a long look, not quit sure what to make of the man’s apparent joy at having another pregnant human male for a patient.

 

“Dr. O’Neill has advised me that the other Father is a Vulcan.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Dr. Phlox nodded. “We will need to insure you have an extra source of copper in your diet then to counteract the copper the baby will be siphoning from your body.”

 

The two crossed the hall into the guest room where Dr. Phlox requested Jim to get on the bed and relax while he set up his equipment. There was surprising little of it but what there was, was fairly standard, or at least Jim assumed it was. There was the standard scanners, a tricorder, a case full of hyposprays, an expressive looking PADD and an ultrasound wand. The doctor had them all set out carefully in a row on a small table he had Scott bring in. After getting everything just the way he wanted he turned to Jim with yet another wide grin stretching his place.

 

“I will ask you to please remove your shirt. First I am going to just press my hands against your abdomen and I will ask you to tell me if it hurts at any time.”

 

“Can do, Doc.”

 

The doctor’s hands were warm against Jim’s stomach and the pressure light. It didn’t hurt but it was certainly uncomfortable enough to make Jim grunt at least once.

 

“How badly does it hurt here, Jim?”

 

“Not really pain,” he said as he rubbed at the spot. “Just an uncomfortable pressure.”

 

“Hmm.” Dr. Phlox picked up the tricorder and carefully scanned Jim’s abdomen. “Well, it’s nothing serious. Just appears you are mildly constipated, easily fixable.”

 

Before he knew it Jim found himself rubbing at the sore spot on his neck where Dr. Phlox had stabbed him with a hypospray. “What the hell!”

 

“That will fix the constipation.”

 

“Still,” Jim threw the doctor a dirty look, “You should warn a guy first.”

 

Dr. Phlox seemed to find Jim’s statement amusing. Several minutes passed much the same way, the doctor examining Jim with one of his tools and then jabbing him with a hypospray making Jim mutter and complain. All the while the doctor continued to smile and radiate a jovial mood. Before Jim knew it an hour had passed and he was actually starting to find the doctor amusing in an unexpected way.

 

“You are in excellent health overall and the fetus appears the same. I will need to schedule you for regular appointments, which we can do here or at my office in San Francisco?”

 

“I would prefer to stay here if possible.”

 

“Of course. I feel I should ask your permission to allow Dr. O’Neill to continue with us during these visits as she would be your primary doctor should you remain living in Riverside and she will need some greater experience with hybrids before I am comfortable leaving you entirely in her care.”

 

Jim took his time thinking about it. He had known Dr. O’Neill since he was little. She had taken care of him for just about everything and had memorized every strange allergy he had. She had seen him at his very worst and didn’t balk. “Yeah. Yeah, go ahead, that would be good.”

 

“I will advise her then.” Dr. Phlox smiled. “The next ten months shall be most exciting I belive.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened. “Ten months!”

 

 

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Day 35; 0800 VST, Planet Vulcan, VSA

 

It had been thirty-two days, nineteen hours and thirteen minutes since he had left Earth, left Jim. Thirty-two days, nineteen hours and thirteen minutes since he had last touched his K’diwa. He wanted to see Jim again, to look into those blue eyes, to run his hands through the short golden locks, to feel…whole. It was not Vulcan to feel this way. A Vulcan did not feel. He has told himself this so many times. He had been “bullied” as the human’s said, since he was small. He had tried to learn to be better than his year mates. He had to be. If he was not more controlled then them, smarter then them then he was just as weak and emotional as they always claimed. Jim made him weak, made him emotional. He wanted to lock that away as he did with all the other emotions, to be as strong and emotionally cold as his Father. But he couldn’t. The thought of locking away his love for Jim…it hurt.

If he stayed here on Vulcan would he be able to be everything Jim needed? He would achieve his dream of attending the Vulcan Science Academy of proving himself just as intelligent as any other Vulcan. He would prove that he wasn’t deficient or handicapped simply because his Mother was Human, because his beloved was Human.

“Spock, come here. Let me see you.” His Mother’s voice was warm, her arms stretched out to him. Human Whore they had all called her, even the adults. She was not that. Never that.

“No.”  His voice sounded petulant even to his own ears. He could not let her seem him so compromised.

“Spock.” Her arms lowed and she gave him the same look she had when he was a small child. “There's no need to be anxious. You'll do fine.”

He looked away from her briefly before turning from the view looking out of the city to look back at her again. Her face was warm and full of all the love she had tried to shower him with while young enough not to understand why it was wrong. Why Vulcan’s could not love as she loved. He had been denying her for years.

Jim’s face, wide open and full of love as his Mother’s was flashed before his eyes. He could not turn away again. She was Human and she deserved at the very least his respect for staying on a planet where she was viewed as being less sentient than an animal. Where she was ostracized openly whenever his Father was not there. And yet here he was debating with himself if he could be the son she deserved while trying to be the Vulcan his Father wanted. He had no idea how to be both and to still be himself.

“I am hardly anxious, mother. And fine has variable definitions. Fine is unacceptable.”

Her fingers were warm against his collar. She patted his collar lightly, looking up into his eyes. “Okay.”

As her hands reached again to straighten the collar of his sweater he reached up and lightly took them in his other, holding them against his chest. “May I ask a personal query?”

“Anything.”

“Should I choose to complete the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr, and purge all emotion, I trust, you will not feel it reflects judgment upon you.” The emotions that had been troubling him since first meeting Jim were growing into a raging sandstorm in his abdomen. He did not know if he could survive with them but at the same time he was unsure if he could live without them.

She shook her head and glanced down at their hands, clasped tightly together.  “Oh, Spock. As always, whatever you choose to be, you will have a proud mother.”

They stood there together for several minutes before the large double door to the main council hall opened and a court page summoned him inside. Whether he was ready or not his future was waiting in that room in the hands of five other Vulcans. Vulcans who had never looked upon this woman as anything but a disadvantage.

He felt her squeeze his hands one last time before she dropped his hands and nodded for him to join the page inside. He turned without hesitation to follow. His future was there waiting and he could nothing but face it as it came.

The room was long the wood beams crossing each other in a spectacular inverted “v” above him, drawing him further into the room where the council waited high above him. They sat there watching him silently, gazing down their noses at him more forcefully than ever before.

“You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless. With one exception, I see that you have applied to Starfleet as well.

“It was logical to cultivate multiple options.”

“Logical but unnecessary.” The chief councilman continued to watch Spock with unblinking eyes. “You're hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much, despite your disadvantage. All rise!”

Spock felt a cold rage rising out of the sandstorm of emotions in him. He had stood here for years listening to them degrading his Mother as if their words did not go against the very core of IDIC. “If you would clarify, Minister. To what disadvantage are you referring?”

“Your Human mother.”

Even knowing the ministers answer before the man spoke it aloud didn’t stop Spock from raging on his Mother’s behalf. If he remained here he would be facing a future where he was constantly belittled, where his Mother would be mentioned in the most emotionally insulting of ways. He looked over to his Father who stood side by side to the very man who had spoken the words and saw no response. His Father was as calm as ever not even protesting the dishonor being shown his wife when she was not there to defend herself.

“Council, Ministers, I must decline.” His voice was clear and crisp as it echoed through the suddenly silent chamber.

“No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy.”

“Then, as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.”

His Father looked at him and still Spock found himself unable to read the man who had raised him. “Spock. You have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way.”

The minister spoke before Spock could even reply, his words holding the tiniest edge of irritation. “Why did you come before this council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?”

“The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude.” Their words had made his choice far easy to accept than he had ever contemplated. “Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration. Live long and prosper,” the traditional words echoed in the hall like the most vulgar of curse words.

 

 

 

 

tbc...

 

Chapter End Notes:
AN:

Special Thanks to the_physicist Who found this wonderfull link with basically thefull script for ST:XI on it, which has been a great help.

For Analie I really need for Sarek and Amanda not to catch on until the second story. Otherwise they certainly wouldn’t have let Jim and Spock room together, which means one of the main plot lines would never happen. Sad day that.

For Sharon180 Jim will not be remaining a girl, which was probably obvious by the last chapter. Sorry for not making that clear in the beginning.

For Calimora I have to say you are right. I have not had sex in an old farmhouse. For this fic at least we will assume that when the house was built sometime around the 20st century (or remodeled after) that soundproofing was added to the bedrooms.

For Aewnaur I always wanted a stalking stalker who stalks. ^_^


(1) Dr. Phlox statement is referring to the episode “Unexpected” from the Star Trek: Enterprise series. I apologize for any inaccuracies as I did not actually watch that series and got the info off Star Trek Memory Alpha.