What to Expect When You're Unexpected
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zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Batman (All Movies)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
3,581
Reviews:
18
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
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Category:
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Batman (All Movies)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
3,581
Reviews:
18
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, and I do not make any money from these writings.
The More Things Change
Title: What to Expect When You’re Unexpected- Chapter 8
Rating: R
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.
Author’s Note: Just thought you would all like to know that this chapter marks the half way point in the Joker’s pregnancy. It’s been 20 weeks of fun for him! Woot!
Two Weeks Later
The Joker gave a sob of pleasure as Batman slowly ground into him. “Damn it, move faster!” he begged, fisting his hands in the sheets. But his lover refused to meet his demands, keeping him on the edge but refusing to let him plunge over. Batman could be quite the bastard sometimes. Not that the Joker wasn’t completely enjoying himself at the moment.
It was nights like these that the two of them truly enjoyed together. Batman’s… work hadn’t kept him out too late, so there had been time to watch a movie, fool around on the couch… and now this.
Batman suddenly picked up a brutal pace, fisting the Joker in rhythm. Lips pressed together, the two men clutched at each other as they came.
Cuddling into Batman, the Joker stroked his lover’s chest. The last two weeks had been going well. He had managed to get the Bat to take him out on several more dates, and just (dare he think it?) started to seem to be warming up to the Joker’s presence.
“We need to get cleaned up and dressed,” Batman mumbled into his hair.
“Don’t wanna,” the Joker whined. “It’s warm and comfy here.” To prove his point, he buried his face under Batman’s arm.
“But this is the big visit,” Batman reminded him. “Today we can find out what the sexes of the twins are.”
“I wanna be surprised,” the Joker replied.
“You aren’t the least bit curious now?”
“Fine.” The Joker petulantly got out of the bed and waddled over to the bathroom. Glancing down at his belly button, the Joker pushed on it. “What the fuck? When did my innie become an outtie?”
“What?” Batman snorted, walking up behind the Joker to look at the offending body part. He lightly poked the belly button, only to receive a quick swat on the back of his hand. “Maybe once it sticks out so far it means you’re done. You know, like a turkey thermometer?”
“Stuff it, Bats,” the Joker snapped.
“Well, we haven’t had shower sex in a few days,” Batman pointed out.
And that was a very good point indeed, as far as the Joker was concerned.
* * * * * * * * *
Dr. Smyth looked up to see Batman and the Joker standing in the door way of the examination room. The Joker was tsking and muttering about being forced to come to the morgue again.
“Well then, up on the table you go,” Smyth said cheerfully. “All of your blood work once again came back perfectly fine.” He had learned quickly to avoid use of the word “normal” around the Joker.
The Joker struggled onto the gurney/table with much help from Batman. Smyth noticed that the two had been growing more affectionate with each other, continuing to hold hands even after the Joker had been settled on the gurney.
After the examination, Smyth started to pull out the ultrasound equipment. “Now, I just need to take a peek at the twins to see how they’re developing. Have you decided if you want to know the sexes of the children?”
“Yep!” the Joker chirped happily.
Smyth carefully peeled down the stretchy part of the Joker’s pregnancy jeans and pushed up his cashmere sweater (when did the man start wearing so much pink?). Warming up his hands a bit, Smyth carefully spread blue gel on the Joker’s large belly and then placed the transducer against his skin.
Almost instantly, the outline of one twins’ head could be seen on the screen, causing the Joker to squeal in delight. He nearly knocked over the gurney in his excitement to twist the monitor to give himself a better view.
“Easy now,” Dr. Smyth murmured, moving the transducer around to get a better look at the twins, occasionally pushing a button to take a still picture.
The Joker pulled Batman’s hand up to his face, grinning at him. “Aren’t they perfect?” he cooed.
Batman leaned in closer to the Joker, hugging his shoulders. “They certainly are.” A father. I’m going to actually be a father. Little fingers and toes…
Dr. Smyth pulled the transducer away and started printing out the ultra sound pictures. “Well, the good news is that the twins look perfectly healthy. Are you sure you want to know the sex?”
“Damn it, just tell me all ready!” the Joker bounced on the table in excitement.
“It’s one of both.” The doctor pointed to each of the twins. “This one on the right is a boy, and the one on the left is a girl.”
And true to form, Batman passed out.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave…
Schiff was busy looking through various catalogues on baby room decoration. Alfred had been “cleaning” the cave for the better part of an hour. It had been decided that Schiff was not to be left unattended after the flame thrower incident. Usually, the Joker kept Schiff out of trouble.
“What about a pirate theme?” Schiff asked, glaring at puffy elephants and smiling monkeys. “Oh! I know! We could decorate the twins’ room in a Night of the Living Dead motif!”
“I think not, Mr. Schiff,” Alfred sniffed. “Zombies are not very… infant friendly.”
“Clowns?”
“Mr. Joker might take offense to that one.”
“True,” Schiff admitted. “And the babies’ room should reflect both their parents.”
Suddenly, Alfred was gone, replaced by Mr. Mxyzptlk. “What in the hell are you doing?” he growled at the now cowering Schiff.
“I’m sorry!” he whimpered. “I tried to do as you asked!”
“If I wanted to just watch humans fucking all the time, I would have gone to the porn dimension. Now either you keep up your end of the bargain, or the deal’s off!”
Mxyzptlk disappeared, and Schiff found himself outside of the mansion. What to do, what to-
“That’s it!”
* * * * * * * * *
The Butler was waiting nervously for the hero and the villain when they returned to the Batcave. “What is it, Alfred?” Batman asked gruffly. He really wasn’t in the mood for any kind of a buzz kill right now.
“It’s Mr. Schiff, sir, he’s disappeared.”
“What?”
“One minute he was here, the next he was gone,” Alfred explained.
“He’s probably just somewhere in the house,” the Joker muttered.
“Actually, according to the homing beacon, he’s at Arkham.”
The Joker froze. “Homing beacon? You put a homing beacon on him?” He spun on his heel to glare at Batman. “Is there one on me too?”
And Batman calmly inserted his foot into his mouth.
“Of course there is.”
“Don’t you trust me?” the Joker shrieked, flying at Batman and gripping his arms.
“Not entirely,” Batman admitted. “Only a few months ago, you were hell bent on killing me and everyone I know. You really think a pregnancy is going to change that?”
Schiff’s previous comments suddenly came back to the Joker. Batman had no intention of keeping him around. He thought that nothing had changed, that this was all some stupid game the Joker was playing with him.
“I mean, sure, things have been great the last few weeks, but how long will it really last, Joker? How long before you go all ‘agent of chaos’ on me again? On Gotham again? A few weeks of good behavior doesn’t simply undo what’s happened in the past.”
Damn him. Damn him. Damn him.
“I will show you,” the Joker bit out as he stalked off. He had some serious thinking to do.
The Batman watched as the Joker retreated into the cave.
“Do you think that was a wise thing to say, sir?” Alfred chided him.
“It had to be said eventually,” was Batman’s reply. “I’ll deal with him once I get back with Schiff. Hopefully that twitchy little fool hasn’t gotten up to too much trouble.”
Meanwhile, in the bowels of Arkham
“My god, the Joker really is pregnant,” Crane was finally admitting, looking at the pictures that Schiff had brought him.
“Yep,” Schiff grinned. “Now, I’m going to need some help preparing the baby shower-“
“Schiff, what the hell are you up to?” Batman barked, hauling him to his feet by his shirt collar.
“Um… I-I can ex-explain?” Schiff stammered.
“So, are you the babies’ father?” Crane asked with amusement.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave… again
The Joker was sitting amidst a pile of papers, crayons, and paste. Alfred would occasionally walk by the agitated clown, but for the most part left him alone; except at one point to bring him a fluff and peanut butter sandwich he had a sudden urge for.
Muttering to himself, the Joker made and unmade ideas. He would show Batman that he had changed.
The Joker would always be an agent of chaos, but he would do it to help his Bat.
Then Batman would truly understand his devotion to making this family thing work.
What could possibly go wrong?
Rating: R
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.
Author’s Note: Just thought you would all like to know that this chapter marks the half way point in the Joker’s pregnancy. It’s been 20 weeks of fun for him! Woot!
Two Weeks Later
The Joker gave a sob of pleasure as Batman slowly ground into him. “Damn it, move faster!” he begged, fisting his hands in the sheets. But his lover refused to meet his demands, keeping him on the edge but refusing to let him plunge over. Batman could be quite the bastard sometimes. Not that the Joker wasn’t completely enjoying himself at the moment.
It was nights like these that the two of them truly enjoyed together. Batman’s… work hadn’t kept him out too late, so there had been time to watch a movie, fool around on the couch… and now this.
Batman suddenly picked up a brutal pace, fisting the Joker in rhythm. Lips pressed together, the two men clutched at each other as they came.
Cuddling into Batman, the Joker stroked his lover’s chest. The last two weeks had been going well. He had managed to get the Bat to take him out on several more dates, and just (dare he think it?) started to seem to be warming up to the Joker’s presence.
“We need to get cleaned up and dressed,” Batman mumbled into his hair.
“Don’t wanna,” the Joker whined. “It’s warm and comfy here.” To prove his point, he buried his face under Batman’s arm.
“But this is the big visit,” Batman reminded him. “Today we can find out what the sexes of the twins are.”
“I wanna be surprised,” the Joker replied.
“You aren’t the least bit curious now?”
“Fine.” The Joker petulantly got out of the bed and waddled over to the bathroom. Glancing down at his belly button, the Joker pushed on it. “What the fuck? When did my innie become an outtie?”
“What?” Batman snorted, walking up behind the Joker to look at the offending body part. He lightly poked the belly button, only to receive a quick swat on the back of his hand. “Maybe once it sticks out so far it means you’re done. You know, like a turkey thermometer?”
“Stuff it, Bats,” the Joker snapped.
“Well, we haven’t had shower sex in a few days,” Batman pointed out.
And that was a very good point indeed, as far as the Joker was concerned.
Dr. Smyth looked up to see Batman and the Joker standing in the door way of the examination room. The Joker was tsking and muttering about being forced to come to the morgue again.
“Well then, up on the table you go,” Smyth said cheerfully. “All of your blood work once again came back perfectly fine.” He had learned quickly to avoid use of the word “normal” around the Joker.
The Joker struggled onto the gurney/table with much help from Batman. Smyth noticed that the two had been growing more affectionate with each other, continuing to hold hands even after the Joker had been settled on the gurney.
After the examination, Smyth started to pull out the ultrasound equipment. “Now, I just need to take a peek at the twins to see how they’re developing. Have you decided if you want to know the sexes of the children?”
“Yep!” the Joker chirped happily.
Smyth carefully peeled down the stretchy part of the Joker’s pregnancy jeans and pushed up his cashmere sweater (when did the man start wearing so much pink?). Warming up his hands a bit, Smyth carefully spread blue gel on the Joker’s large belly and then placed the transducer against his skin.
Almost instantly, the outline of one twins’ head could be seen on the screen, causing the Joker to squeal in delight. He nearly knocked over the gurney in his excitement to twist the monitor to give himself a better view.
“Easy now,” Dr. Smyth murmured, moving the transducer around to get a better look at the twins, occasionally pushing a button to take a still picture.
The Joker pulled Batman’s hand up to his face, grinning at him. “Aren’t they perfect?” he cooed.
Batman leaned in closer to the Joker, hugging his shoulders. “They certainly are.” A father. I’m going to actually be a father. Little fingers and toes…
Dr. Smyth pulled the transducer away and started printing out the ultra sound pictures. “Well, the good news is that the twins look perfectly healthy. Are you sure you want to know the sex?”
“Damn it, just tell me all ready!” the Joker bounced on the table in excitement.
“It’s one of both.” The doctor pointed to each of the twins. “This one on the right is a boy, and the one on the left is a girl.”
And true to form, Batman passed out.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave…
Schiff was busy looking through various catalogues on baby room decoration. Alfred had been “cleaning” the cave for the better part of an hour. It had been decided that Schiff was not to be left unattended after the flame thrower incident. Usually, the Joker kept Schiff out of trouble.
“What about a pirate theme?” Schiff asked, glaring at puffy elephants and smiling monkeys. “Oh! I know! We could decorate the twins’ room in a Night of the Living Dead motif!”
“I think not, Mr. Schiff,” Alfred sniffed. “Zombies are not very… infant friendly.”
“Clowns?”
“Mr. Joker might take offense to that one.”
“True,” Schiff admitted. “And the babies’ room should reflect both their parents.”
Suddenly, Alfred was gone, replaced by Mr. Mxyzptlk. “What in the hell are you doing?” he growled at the now cowering Schiff.
“I’m sorry!” he whimpered. “I tried to do as you asked!”
“If I wanted to just watch humans fucking all the time, I would have gone to the porn dimension. Now either you keep up your end of the bargain, or the deal’s off!”
Mxyzptlk disappeared, and Schiff found himself outside of the mansion. What to do, what to-
“That’s it!”
The Butler was waiting nervously for the hero and the villain when they returned to the Batcave. “What is it, Alfred?” Batman asked gruffly. He really wasn’t in the mood for any kind of a buzz kill right now.
“It’s Mr. Schiff, sir, he’s disappeared.”
“What?”
“One minute he was here, the next he was gone,” Alfred explained.
“He’s probably just somewhere in the house,” the Joker muttered.
“Actually, according to the homing beacon, he’s at Arkham.”
The Joker froze. “Homing beacon? You put a homing beacon on him?” He spun on his heel to glare at Batman. “Is there one on me too?”
And Batman calmly inserted his foot into his mouth.
“Of course there is.”
“Don’t you trust me?” the Joker shrieked, flying at Batman and gripping his arms.
“Not entirely,” Batman admitted. “Only a few months ago, you were hell bent on killing me and everyone I know. You really think a pregnancy is going to change that?”
Schiff’s previous comments suddenly came back to the Joker. Batman had no intention of keeping him around. He thought that nothing had changed, that this was all some stupid game the Joker was playing with him.
“I mean, sure, things have been great the last few weeks, but how long will it really last, Joker? How long before you go all ‘agent of chaos’ on me again? On Gotham again? A few weeks of good behavior doesn’t simply undo what’s happened in the past.”
Damn him. Damn him. Damn him.
“I will show you,” the Joker bit out as he stalked off. He had some serious thinking to do.
The Batman watched as the Joker retreated into the cave.
“Do you think that was a wise thing to say, sir?” Alfred chided him.
“It had to be said eventually,” was Batman’s reply. “I’ll deal with him once I get back with Schiff. Hopefully that twitchy little fool hasn’t gotten up to too much trouble.”
Meanwhile, in the bowels of Arkham
“My god, the Joker really is pregnant,” Crane was finally admitting, looking at the pictures that Schiff had brought him.
“Yep,” Schiff grinned. “Now, I’m going to need some help preparing the baby shower-“
“Schiff, what the hell are you up to?” Batman barked, hauling him to his feet by his shirt collar.
“Um… I-I can ex-explain?” Schiff stammered.
“So, are you the babies’ father?” Crane asked with amusement.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave… again
The Joker was sitting amidst a pile of papers, crayons, and paste. Alfred would occasionally walk by the agitated clown, but for the most part left him alone; except at one point to bring him a fluff and peanut butter sandwich he had a sudden urge for.
Muttering to himself, the Joker made and unmade ideas. He would show Batman that he had changed.
The Joker would always be an agent of chaos, but he would do it to help his Bat.
Then Batman would truly understand his devotion to making this family thing work.
What could possibly go wrong?