Almost Alice

It's temptingHauntingLove is the law It's templeIt's emptyFrom grace we fall It feels like On the outsideLooking in We always wonderHow it could have been Let it rainLet it rainWhy we can't we find love againLet it rainLet it rainStill I drown in tears of painOver againLet it rain ChancesHungerInsatiable Life is changingUnpredictable Hear me callingWhere are you now?Will we meetAnywayAnyhow Let it rainLet it rainWhy we can't we find love againLet it rainLet it rainStill I drown in tears of painOver againLet it rain

Let it rainLet it rainWhy we can't we find love againLet it rainLet it rainStill I drown in tears of painOver againLet it rain Where do we end?Where do we begin?Are we lost Or must we lose to win?We depend On where we standAre we free To choose the lives we live?Where do we end?Where do we begin?Are we lost Or must we lose to win?We depend On where we standAre we free To choose the lives we live?Let it rainLet it rainWhy we can't we find love againLet it rainLet it rainStill I drown in tears of painOver againLet it rain

Let it rainLet it rainWhy we can't we find love againLet it rainLet it rainStill I drown in tears of painOver againLet it rain

Let it Rain - Sarah Brightman

"Well?" Chess wanted to know. He'd been looping in the hallways for hours now. Thackery had just left Tarrant's room. The hatter hadn't taken much damage, a few bumps and bruises, and split knuckles of course.

"Its no what we feared." the hare told him.

"Well that's great news" the cat said with a sigh of relief, "Tarrant must feel better now."

The hare sighed sadly and let the cat take the bag from his heavy paws, "Those two…" he groused, "Why can't anything ever be easy for them? She's too young, he's too old, she's too small, too tall, too muchy or not muchy enough, he's mad."

The cat nodded, "Sad isn't it?"

"I fear the hatter made it worse" the hare said bluntly, "The lass thinks he hates her and wouldna hear it when I told her different."

The cat nodded, "She'll have to hear it from him. In the meantime I hope you shared some of your good advice with him."

"Eh? Wha's tha?"

"For a march hare you do give excellent advice Thackery."

The hare straightened a bit from his drooped posture, "Well thanks very much, dahhh."

"The tweedles arrived an hour ago and wanted to see Alice. I sent them to bed." Chess told him.

"Aye, she'll no be up for visits jest yet."

"How will you keep Tarrant out?"

The hare blinked, "Weel, I'm no gonna do it. He's not exactly a visitor ye know."

Chess chuckled softly, "You look dead on your feet man."

"Aye, I'm tired. Off to bed wi meself. Night Chess."

It was well after midnight when Tarrant pushed open the door to Alice's room and peered inside. Alice lay curled just as they had left her, the lamps had been doused and the fire in the grate was nearly out. But the red glow of the embers lit her form warmly. He noted the chill that was creeping in and shut the door behind him. He crossed to the grate on near silent feet and fed fat logs into it, poking and stirring until the fire roared to life.

His Alice simply had to be warm. He straightened, wiping his hands on his trousers and then moved to sit on the side of the bed. He gently stroked the unmarked flesh on her back. Her Chemise had ridden up further and Tarrant thought she looked terribly uncomfortable. So he gently worked the material off of her and covered her with the blankets again.

Alice was soft. Always had been. Smooth like his finest silks, soft and welcoming like winter velvet. She shivered under his soft caress and rolled to her back. The linens slipped down and Tarrant was greeted with the sight of Alice. Nearly all of her had been bared to his eyes this night.

He pulled the blankets free from her wounded leg, keen eyes narrowing on the line of stitches as though looking for some flaw in them. He gently touched the slightly swollen flesh and she whimpered.

"Shh, be easy now lass" he crooned and she trembled then stilled. She shifted on the bedding, whimpered as pain flared in her back.

Her brow furrowed at the pressure on her wounds, "Hurts.." she murmured, "Dirty…"

The hatter gently rolled her to her stomach again and covered her. He leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek and whispered, "I'm so sorry lass, forgive me." His voice cracked at the pain his Alice was enduring and he sank into the chair beside the bed, feeling defeat kick him in the belly.

"Ye aren't dirty Alice and one day I will show ye that, of I havena ruined it forever."

His eyes slowly faded to soft, fern green and he wracked his head for any and all possibly solutions to the terrible problems before him now. Stayne and his own disastrous words to Alice.

Thackery had told him all that Alice had confided and the hare had been more than correct when he said Tarrant was heart sore, sadly, he'd now passed that hurtful affliction to the one heart he only ever wanted to revere.

So he sat and pondered things that began with the letter D. Damnable, demented, disastrous, disgusting, dumb, despicable…. The list ran rampant looping madly through his already mad brain.

When the light of morning broke through Alice's window, he rose to go. She didn't need to see him to remind her of what a bastard he could be. He knew first hand and so did she.

He cast one last look at the bed, the watery light shining faintly on her. He wanted Alice in Underland, of course he did. Always had. But he'd been unable, in his rage, to communicate clearly what he'd meant and he'd hurt her.

The weather grew steadily colder and Alice slept the day away. She woke briefly in the afternoon when a sweet faced maid came to ask if she needed anything. "Are you hungry my lady?"

Alice had risen on shaky legs and the maid helped her to the bathroom, allowing her to take care of her pressing needs. Alice could barely make it to the door. The flesh of her feet was tender and even groggy as she was, the pain was terrible.

The maid sighed with relief when the champion was once again in bed, the soft pained sounds easing away to even breathing as Alice fell asleep again.

"How is she?" Tarrant asked as Thackery made his way to Alice's rooms.

"Slept the day away" the hare replied, "I'm aboot to go and change her bandages if ye'd like to come with."

The hatter shook his head, "I don't think that would be wise. I said such hurtful things to her. What if seeing me only makes her worse?"

The hare reached into his coat pocket and withdrew his shining pocket watch , he examined and nodded, then hurled it at Tarran't head. The hatter ducking just in time to miss being struck.

"Ye'll have to make things right sometime" he pointed out, "Thought the Hightopps were made of stiffer stuff than tha. Go on down to the kitchen and get a bowl of soup for Alice why don't ye?"

Tarrant nodded but stared at the floor.

The hare sighed, "Tarrant, our Alice is verra forgivin."

Tarrant nodded again and headed for the kitchen. That was true and Tarrant knew it, but the question was, could he forgive himself?

Alice was barely awake when the hare came to see her. She was staring at the dust motes dancing in the light. Not a new sight no, but then they had never waltzed or danced with paper fans either.

She mumbled groggily about not wanting to miss the dancers when the hare ordered her maid to help her bathe.

It was a quick affair and Alice was slightly more coherent now. The wounds were cleaned, the salve spread, the bandages wrapped. And when the hare handed her a vial, she shook her head.

"Maybe something less potent" he offered.

She nodded, her head seeming to be very heavy on her slender neck at the moment. He gave her another and helped her drink it down. Then he turned to her feet, "Ye've a small pocket of what looks like the start of infection in this foot Alice" he said, "I'll no wrap them tonight, just clean them verra weel."

And he did so. Alice fought to stay awake but the not so potent potion was still very effective. "Will he ever forgive me?" she babbled to him.

The hare patted her ankle, "He'll be here soon wi soup. I want ye to eat it. Stay awake long enough for that lass."

She nodded and watched him leave once more. But soon the whispering tick of the clock lulled her and she began to doze.

Tarrant found her in that state moments later, her eyelids fluttering. Head propped against her pillows.

Alice was certain she was dreaming for the Tarrant at the foot of her bed was smiling sweetly at her, not at all angry it seemed.

"I have your soup" he lisped gently, "Are you up to eating any?"

She blinked slowly, a strange fuzziness taking hold and she felt warm and numb. "I'm dreaming you" she slurred to him.

It was Tarrant's turn to blink, "Alice?"

"Course I'm dreaming you, the real you is very angry with me and can't stand the sight of me. He doesn't want me here anymore you know" she whispered sadly. Her lips trembled at this and Tarrant set her soup down and sat beside her, taking that small pale hand in his own larger one.

"Alice" he said in a very calm voice, "Do you feel me? If you do then I must be real."

His words were so very logical to her and she stared at their hands for a long moment, "But you aren't" she finally said, "Because I can't".

Tarrant frowned, "You can't?"

She shook her head and gave a rather goofy smile, "it's the hare you see" she confided in a whisper, giving him a saucy wink to match, "His not so potent is very potent after all. I can't feel anything but warm fuzzy. And a strange tingle on my mouth."

"What is warm fuzzy?"

"Like hugging Chess."

"Oh." he frowned then, "When have you hugged Chess."

"When he helps me find my lost socks."

"Oh!" Somehow this much relieved Tarrant.

She pressed her fingers to her mouth then and looked at Tarrant in horror. "It was awful dream-you!" she said then, "St…stayne, he was….everywhere, like a great black spider!"

Tarrant pulled her hand from her mouth, "Shhh love, he's not here. See, its only you and I."

"But he is!" she insisted her voice rising in her panic, "His hands and his mouth are here. I can never wash them away. She flailed in the bedding, tearing at her clothing, scratching at her skin, until Tarrant caught her hands and pinned them gently to the pillow on either side of her head.

"Alice!"

She thrashed against his hold, her voice rising again, "I fought, I did. I didn't want that, not any of it. But he was so very big and so strong. He said I was dirty and that real-you would never want me now!"

Tarrant moved onto the bed, straddling her, using his weight to keep her down. He stroked her palms with his thumbs. "Alice" he said brushing his nose against hers. The familiar action made her go still and suck in a deep breath. She looked up into eyes that seemed so real, dancing on the edge of green and gold. "He's a bastard and a liar. Its not your fault and I want you very much."

He wanted to smack himself, this was just not how you confessed your love for someone.

He watched a tear slip down her cheek and gently wiped it away. "If only real-you would say that." she whispered back to him.

"I am real" he insisted, cupped her cheek, his thumb sliding to stroke over her lush lower lip. His eyes fell to follow it's path and then back again.

"Dream-you?" she asked very softly.

"Aye lass?"

"Would you maybe kiss me…please?"

Tarrant felt his madness rise with glee and forced it down. "Nay lass" he said gently.

She looked stricken and he hurried to explain, "I want to verra much Alice. But I want you to know you and know me when I do. I would like you to know that I am real and no a figment o yer imagination."

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her brow and she sighed tiredly, "Would…. You.. Maybe, just rest with me… only for a little bit?" Her voice was very small as though she feared he would deny her once more.

He smiled softly at her, "Aye lass" he agreed and he settled down beside her. He gathered her close and she came willingly, curling against him with a small sigh of contentment. Just before she drifted off to sleep again, he heard her voice.

"I miss you"

Alice took a fever the following day and Thackery was swift to tend her. The fever however raged for three days. She slept most of the time but when she did wake she often raved and ranted like a mad woman. She fought Stayne in her delusions often. And her violence for the man sent the maids running scared.

They didn't fault her, no. They understood but Alice was terrifying now. They hoped she'd be well soon.

Tarrant was there through it all, only leaving when need rose that couldn't be ignored. He watched her talk to Mally one afternoon. She seemed to believe that Mally was a Chinese woman in a tea chop and discussed shipping contracts in great length.

He was quite surprised when Mally saw it through, answering as she thought she should, not wanting to upset Alice.

She spent a great deal of time talking to dream-him. And even her departed mother. That conversation had sent chills down Tarrant's spine and he had sent for Thackery, convinced Alice was dying.

Her outbursts occurred mostly at night. And Tarrant was devoted in his care for her. Thackery was grateful to him, the poor hare was battling exhaustion from the lack of sleep.

It had been snowing for a few days now and Tarrant had ordered the maids to set the silver pails on the balcony to catch the new snow. It was with this cool water that he bathed her fevered brow when she grew too warm.

His tender hands would lift her sweaty hair from her neck and stroke the damp cloth over her skin until she quieted and could rest easy again.

He had just set the cloth and pail aside when Alice kicked her blankets off for the hundredth time that night. He sighed pulling them back up.

"Too hot" she panted out, her eyes opening to stare at the ceiling.

"You've a fever Alice" he told her, "You must stay covered."

""Air" she choked out and fumbled with the linens, shoving them back and rolling to her feet. "I need air." She wanted the cool stone, the chill breeze, anything to quench the fire licking along her skin.

Her knees buckled but she fell against Tarrant's chest as he anchored her with an arm around her waist. "Ye need to stay abed lass" he said patiently.

"I'll just die if I don't have air!" she cried out and the maid in the hall rushed in to see what the matter was. She stared at the hatter as he slapped his palm against Alice's brow. "Fetch Thackery."

The hare arrived soon after, a nightcap perched precariously on his head. "Wha's all this aboot?"

"Alice is giving me fits" Tarrant told him, "She says she's too hot and she must have air. That she will die without it. But Thackery she mustn't die!"

The hare held his paws up for silence, "Calm down, she's no goin to die." he gently paid his paw against her flesh and frowned, "She is verra hot Tarrant. She'll be needing a cool bath."

He stared at the nervous maid, "Fetch a snow bucket. I'll go and fetch the fever fighter. Can you handle the bath or do I need to?"

The hatter eyed him drolly. "Get it."

The hare rushed off to see it done just as the maid lugged a fresh bucket of snow near the hearth. She dashed to get a clean cloth and then stared at the hatter in askance.

Would she have to bathe lady Alice? She would of course, but this Alice was scary.

The hatter caught her look and held his hand out, palm up. "Give it here and go" he said.

The maid turned huge eyes to him, "Lord Hatter!" she gasped, sounding scandalized.

Alice chose that very moment to screech outlandish obscenities worthy of a bawdy peasant and began to fight against his grip, kick at him. Tarrant easily fended off the blows, seeing the maid draw back.

"The cloth" he said again.

The maid handed it over with no argument.

The hare arrived a moment later, blinking at the rushing maid. He was about to ask why she was running but Alice let loose with another of the hatter's favorite string of curses. The hare guffawed as Tarrant grimaced.

"Seems to me she's been around ye too much. Sounds jest like ye."

Tarrant finally managed to get Alice settled on the bed.

"I'm bloody hot!" she snarled to the world at large.

"I know Alice" he said softly, "Give me a moment and I will help."

She stilled, looking around the room wildly and then her gaze fell on him, "Tarrant is that you?"

"Yes."

She frowned, eyeing him suspiciously, "Real-you or dream-you?"

He sighed, "Real-me, of course."

He pulled her hair atop her head and secured with a length of ribbon from his pocket.

"Have her drink this down." The hare said from his elbow and he looked over to take the vial of fever fighter. "She'll be a bit sleep after."

Tarrant lifted the vial to Alice's lips but she clamped them tightly shut. "Ye must drink this."

"I won't"

He turned to Thackery, "She won't."

"She will" the hare said then, and leaned over to pinch Alice's nostrils shut. When she opened her mouth for air, he dumped the vial right down her throat. She coughed and sputtered, muttering something about being damn rude.

Tarrant hoped she was talking about Thackery. "Anything else?" Tarrant asked.

The hare shook his head, smothering a yawn, "Just the cooling bath. Shall I call that wee besom of a maid back?"

"I think I've got it"

For some reason Thackery through that was rather funny and laughed all the way down the hall. "Box his ears Alice" he said as he climbed back into his bed.

Tarrant was relieved to find that she had quieted, she lay staring at him from heavy lidded eyes. "I have been a frightful burden haven't I?" she asked.

He was growing more accustomed to the moments of lucidity in her fevered state.

"You've never been a burden Alice."

"Are you still angry with me?"

"I never was Alice" he told her softly. They'd had this same conversation a dozen times but she never recalled. Thackery said it was the fever. Tarrant kept repeating his words, hoping they would sink in.

"He did touch me" she said sadly, sounding a bit like the tweedles.

Tarrant nodded, " I know lass, and if ye ne'er forgive me for tha, I would only understand." His eyes had bled gold.

She shrugged, "My fault for leaving."

"Nay, not your fault. I shoulda seen that comin, its just the thing a gnarl like the knave would do."

She seemed a bit relieved and Tarrant hoped that this time she believed and remembered.

He showed her the pail and the rag, "I need to bathe ye lass, yer fever is high. I know ye have some fears, but I'll no harm ye."

She nodded, "I know. You wouldn't ever hurt me on purpose. Even if you aren't real."

The lucid moment was over and the hatter sighed. He began to work her rumpled chemise off, but the material wasn't cooperating and Alice was nodding off again. He took his sharp scissors from his sleeve and snipped the material off of her.

He did his best not to stare at her, but it was Alice and Alice was very beautiful. He draped the sheet over her, leaving only the non-delicate parts uncovered.

"I have been considering things that begin with the letter R." he mused softly, his eyes returning to the vibrant green that Alice so admired.

"R is a very good letter." Alice whispered sleepily.

He smiled as he dragged the cool cloth down her arms and swirled it around her slender fingers. "Yes, yes of course. But only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, this being Wednesday I suppose I am little off. It's Time's fault you know, he's still angry with me for trying to kill him when you went away."

She sighed softly as the wet cloth brushed over her face and neck. "That's very nice. Tarrant? Might I have a little water?"

He set the cloth in the bucket and went to the table and poured cool water in a cup then returned to her side and helped her drink it down. "Ahhh" she said after, "That is so much better."

He set the cup on the beside chest and went back to his task. He was trying very hard not to enjoy this time so much. "Can you think of any R words Alice?"

She was silent for a moment, eyes closed and he presumed she'd gone back to sleep.

"Red, roses, right, ribald, rat, roast, rain, rumble, ryu."

He frowned, "Ryu? That's a new word Alice, what is that?"

"In Nippon they call dragons that." he dragged the cooling cloth over her shoulders and across the tops of her breasts. She gasped a little, "That feels so very lovely."

The gold was returning, "Aye lass, that it does."

"What R words have you thought of?"

"Real. Reverence. Return. Revenge. Roses. Romance."

She blinked up at him and then closed her eyes once more, "Those are lovely R words Tarrant." Sleep was beckoning her but she wanted to stay just a bit longer. The chill spread down her arms, the terrible heat fading and she relaxed more fully into the linens.

She was light and limp in his arms when Tarrant lifted her to bathe her back around the bandages. The cold cloth on her heated flesh made her gasp and grab hold of his arm, "C…cold"

"Sorry Alice."

"N..No, its good." Her words were slurred again and Tarrant could see her fight sleep off.

"Doona fight sleep lass." he gently admonished.

"I don't want to sleep" she replied, "If I do you'll go away."

"Nay lass, I am right here. I'm always here if it will make you feel better."

"I always feel good when you're with me" she answered, "Except when you're angry and won't speak to me…" Then she passed into the hazy in-between world of sleep and waking. Her eyes were closed but she was murmuring herself, it took Tarrant a moment to realize that she was softly singing to herself.

"Why can't we fall in love again…"

Her voice was whisper soft but pleasing nonetheless. The song sounded so sad to him.

He settled her back against the bedding, pulling the sheet to cover her chest once more. He swept the cloth down her slim legs and traced it round her slim ankles. She had such nice ankles.

He tried not to let his mind linger over the intimate nature of the task he was completing but when his hands ghosted over her thighs, he felt the desire roar to life in him once more.

By the time he was finished Alice was fully asleep and shivering lightly. He carefully tucked the blankets around her, stoked the fire and brushed the hair from her brow, pleased to find her much cooler.

"We don't need to fall in love again Alice" he whispered to her, "I am already very much in love with you."

He moved to the balcony, staring up at the snow that was falling softly all around him. Alice would recover, they would speak, he could set these things right. But he very much wanted to keep Alice with him forever. As his very own. He thought she might want that too. He fervently hoped so.

Stayne was another matter all together. Dark, dangerous, unpredictable. Ruthless. Tarrant gripped the railing hard and smiled a cruel smile into the night, "Weel, I've a bit o those meself and they are all fer you swine."

Behind him he heard a soft whimper and went back into the chamber locking the balcony doors against the cold.

"Tarrant…" she whimpered, "Please…. Don't let him…."

He pulled off his boots and his shirt and climbed atop the covers to cuddle her against her terrors. She quieted, tucking her face against his neck, breathing deeply of the scent that soothed her.

Tarrant ran his fingers gently through her golden hair, "I'm here, hush now Alice." her whole frame relaxed against him and she slept peacefully once more. He sighed against her hair and let sleep take him for the first time in days.