Never Wanted This

Oops, okay, somehow I managed to get the chapter numbers all screwed up. *rolls eyes* please forgive and ignore the previous wrong chapter numbers, the ones aff.net is using are the correct ones and I’m getting them back in sync in this post.

Well this story is getting close to wrapping up soon. There’s of course LOTS more that could be told, and if I ever get so inspired (or have the time mostly) I may write a sequel but I am not really seeing time for that in my schedule right now. Don’t worry, this isn’t the last part though, we have at least one more to go.

Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!!!!!!!

~~EmmaElf


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CHAPTER EIGHT:
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I live at arm's length and die a little,
between your constants by day
I want my soul back before it's over,
I can't even wish you away

Can't begin to explain
The feelings I have restrained
Don't ask me how I am...

Don’t try to be the one person
Who has stayed, just to say
they never left me.

Aggravated, complicated, someone say it
God, I never learn.

I have nothing left for you...
--Stone Sour

Will looked around him at the familiar surroundings of the blacksmith shop he had grown up in. It was deserted now, although he had no clue as to Master Brown’s fate in all this, nor did he particularly care. He wasn’t sure why he had come here, except that he did *not* want to go back to the Mansion and really had no other place to go.

Jack didn’t understand. Elizabeth didn’t understand. No one could. He could not simply launch back into his old life as if nothing had changed... Will ran his hand over his face. He was so confused, and his heart hurt so much it was unbearable. He wanted nothing more than for things to return to normal, but now he feared they never could be. There would always be something dark and twisted in him, he would have to live with the memories of pain and horror and the shame of his own actions. He didn’t know if he could do that.

In some ways this was the hardest part of all. When he was a captive, all he had had to do was survive... but now... now he had to face all he had lost.

Passing from the workshop into the house adjacent, Will opened a cabinet in the pantry and pulled out the false back, revealing Master Brown’s personal stash of liquor. The same place the older blacksmith had hidden it since Will was a boy.

Pulling several bottles of rum from the front, Will uncorked one and took a deep drink. It burned like fire and made him cough at having drunk too quickly, but he tipped the bottle back again. Not even caring if he tasted it or not... he just wanted to get drunk. Dead drunk so he didn’t have to feel anymore. So he didn’t have to hurt anymore.


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Jack checked the mansion first, although he thought it unlikely that Will would go back there, then he started hunting in the city itself. He was sure Will wouldn’t have gone far and it was likely he would have gone somewhere famr. r. Trying to remember the layout of the town, Jack made his way towards where he half-remembered stumbling on a certain blacksmith shop some time ago.

When he found the place the door to the shop was hanging open and he walked in, looking around. The donkey and the drunken old man in the corner were gone, but otherwise it looked the same as he remembered. A smile crossed the pirate’s lips at the memories. How unlikely and unfathomable the workings of fate could be.

No sign of Will though.

Jack crossed the shop and went through the door on the far wall, the one he never had gotten near last time. It turned out that that door led into a small house. He turned the corner and found himself in a small parlor. There were empty and half empty rum bottles lying all over the table and sitting at the table, was Will. It seemed that Jack had got there none too soon either.

Will held a knife in one hand, his unfocused eyes staring blankly at his left arm, resting on the table, as he deliberately drew the sharp blade across his wrist. Bright red blood welled up quickly around the blade, but Will didn’t even seem to register the pain, or Jack’s presence as he brought the knife back to make a deeper cut. He was too drunk to feel any pain, but an ocean of liquor couldn’t still the demons in his head and his heart and since he could no longer face life, dying seemed the last reasonable option.

It was ironic that it was only now, after it was all over that he finally felt pushed to the point of ending the pain permanently... but perhaps it was because it wasn’t really over. Because living could be more frightening, more painful, than dying.

“’ay now, you don’t want to be doing that,” Jack hurried over, catching Will’s hand with the knife before it could make another bloody pass across the pale flesh.

Pulling the blade out of Will’s grip the pirate clamped his weathered hand over the freely bleeding gash to the younger man’s wrist.

Will resisted the pirate’s help, pulling away in a mix of anger and despair. “Jack... go away. Leave me alone. Let me do what I have to do. Just... Leave me alone!” The young man’s voice slurred slightly and Will knocked over several empty bottles on the tale next to him as he stumbled away from his friend.

Jack picked up one of the partially empty bottles, eyeing Will.

“What? And leave all this free rum just lying around? I’m surprised at ye Will, not sociable drink alone,” the pirate shook his head, tipping the bottle to his own lips and finish it in a gulp.

Will was leaning on the edge of the table, looking numbly at the blood staining his shire sleeve and dripping from his fingers onto the table top as if he could not quite figure out what was happening.

Jack sat down in the chair across from the boy, putting his feet up on the table and watching Will. The pirate pulled another mostly full bottle from the table and uncorked it for himself.

“So you really want to die then?” Jack asked conversationally as he took a swig of the potent drink, his dark eyes never leavening Will for a moment.

Will didn’t answer, but turned his arm a little, as if morbidly fascinated with the bright ruby drops dripping to the table.

“Shoulda told me,” Jack kept his careless nonchalance. “Coulda lent ye my pistol; much quicker. Course, I don’t know but that might be harder on dear Elizabeth, finding ye with your head all blowed off... and her with the baby and all... but you go right ahead,” Jack pulled his pistol from his belt and tossed it onto he table, sending several of the empty bottles tipping and clattering to the floor.

“You turned out okay after all, I’m sure your kid’ll be just fine growin’ up without a father too.” Jack swirled the run in the bottle he held, smiling irritatingly as if he totally meant everything he said.

Will slammed his hands down on the table in anguished frustration. “Damn it Jack! Don’t you dare use them against me! You don’t understand! I have to do this!”

Jack shrugged, pulling his feet down off the table. “Who’s stopping ye? It’ll leave more of the rum for me. Do what yer gonna do, but not near the furniture if you please, I’m sure it’ll leave a nasty stain.” Flopping sideways in his chair and letting his legs dangle over the side Jack proceeded to ignore Will as he started singing softly to himself.

Will stared, waving on his feet before sinking down into a chair and dropping his head into his hands. “I just want the hurt to go away... I want it to end.”

Jack looked up. “Elizabeth wants to help ya with that mate. Don’t underestimate that one. She’ll understand more than you give her credit for.”

“No, she can’t love me anymore, even if she thinks she does she can’t!” Will raged in heartbroken desperation, his words slurring slightly from too much alcohol. “I’ve betrayed everything I ever was! She doesn’t know what I am anymore and she could never love are! re! It’s gone Jack. I’m gone. I’ve lost everything...” his rage subsided into a numb hopelessness.

“Come on,” Jack picked up Will’s bleeding arm, starting to bind it up. “Let’s go back to the Pearl and sleep it off... you don’t have to see Elizabeth until you want to, all right? Come on...”

“No!” Will pushed Jack violently away. “Don’t patronize me Jack!” Angry and hurting, Will swung out at the pirate.

Jack easily caught the younger man’s drunken swings, trapping and holding Will’s wrists so that he couldn’t swing again.

Will swore and struggled. “Let go, let go of me!”

“No mate, you’re not thinking too well, so you’re gonna not do anything stupid and you are going to come along with me, savvy?” Jack said pleasantly as he wrestled with Will’s attempts to escape him. “Now, now don’t be like that, Will...”

Will wrenched an arm free and landed a solid punch to Jack’s face, knocking the pirate back a few steps. Unprepared for the sudden freedom, Will lost his unsteady balance and fell backward onto the floor, laying there somewhat stunned.

Jack wiped his bleeding lip with a bit of surprise. “Remind me not to go drinking with you Will, all right?” he shook his head with a wry smile. “You’re a mean drunk.”

Will was trying to get up, but Jack quickly knelt over him and pinned him back down.

“Let me go!” Will started struggling again, fear creeping into his eyes this time as Jack sat on him, holding his hands to the floor above his head. “Let me up!” Well-learned terror made the younger man’s mouth dry.

Jack saw the fear in Will’s eyes and realized its cause, but he didn’t move, not just yet. “No,” he said quietly, but without any hint of threat. “You want to get up, you have to get away from me first.”

Will struggled to do just that, twisting his wrists and his body, straining against Jack’s firm hold on him, but the way the pirate was holding him down made it impossible for Will to break free.

“Ah, try again,” Jack smiled infuriatingly as he checked Will’s side-ways roll, ping ing him down again. “No, not that way either. Come on Will, don’t you want up? Then throw me off. Come on, really try. Don’t worry about hurting me.”

“You can bet I’m not!” Will ground out through his teeth as he threw all his weight against the pirate sitting on him. He was angry and afraid and his breath came in short, panting gasps as he struggled with the strong man pinning him down.

Jack laughed. “No, I guess not. Come on then, knock me clean ta the far wall, ye know ye want to.” His gold teeth flashed in his wide grin.

Will continued to try, but he could not do a thing from the position he was being held in and after a few minutes he collapsed back against the floorboards under Jack, panting for breath, his shirt and hair clammy with perspiration and clinging to his body.

Jack was breathing hard as well. Will certainly a h a handful, but he knew that no one could break out of a hold like this. Well, not if the person doing the holding knew what they were doing. Although Will had certainly come close anyway.

“Come on Will,” Jack panted slightly, his voice playfully taunting. “Don’t you *want* me off?”

“Yes!” the younger man growled angrily, giving his bloody wrists a jerk.

“Then why aren’t you throwing me?” Jack asked.

Will gave a hard twist, but Jack countered it easily and the young man sank back again, exhausted. “Jack, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I don’t want to play. Just let me up.”

“Ah, ah,” Jack shook his head. “I asked a question first. Why aren’t you throwin’ me off if ye don’t want me on?”

“Because I can’t,” Will shook his head against the floor boards. Wasn’t that *obvious*?

“That’s right, you can’t,” Jack nodded as if pleased with himself. “And ye know why ye can’t? Because there ain’t no way possible for a body to extract themselves from this here position if the person on top plays their cards right.”

“So?” Will’s head was throbbing and he couldn’t understand what Jack was getting at. If the pirate had a point at all, which was doubtful...

“SO,” Jack emphasized the word. “Tell me this then, is it your fault you can’t get up? Does it naturally mean that you want me ta be sittin’ here holdin’ ye down just because you can’t get me off?”

Will’s brows furrowed. “No...” he murmured, but the answer was a little uncertain this time as he began to get what Jack was driving at. “But Jack that’s...”

“No, it ain’t no different,” the pirate cut him off. “Varga had you over a barrel Will. He may not’a been holdin’ you down every time, but did ya really have any choice? Any at all? There’s no shame in bein’ trapped Will, no shame in bein’ hurt when you can’t help it. And there’s no shame in a body’s reaction to things outa their control, savvy?”

Will was shaking his head again but Jack interrupted him once more. “Don’t you be shakin’ yer head at me, it’s true. Look at yer self now. You’re sweaty, flushed, your heart’s a beatin’ and yer breathin’s hard. Are ye *choosin’* to feel any of those things? Could you choose not to if ye wanted? Could ye? Cause if you are and you can, tell me how, I’d be mighty interested,” Jack joked.

Will chuckled slightly at the pirate’s humor. What Jack was saying made a lot of sense, yet it was hard to really believe. “Jack...” Will’s voice was quiet and sad.

“Will, I’m not askin’ ye to act like nothin’s happened, nor sayin’ that it’ll be easy to put that hurt behind. It’s a long, hard road and only the bravest ones makes it. But it weren’t no coward who kept old Jack from swinging. No, and it weren’t no coward what sprung a pirate and stole a ship to save the bonnie lass he loved. It weren’t no coward who offered his life for hers to Barbosa and it certainly weren’t no coward who stayed behind so that she an’ the others could live, knowin’ what it could cost ‘im ‘imself. You have the strength to pull through this lad, I see it in ye. Stop being so hard on yourself and give yourself a chance to see it ” Ja” Jack said earnestly. It was not often that he acted complete and frankly earnest about anything, and Will could see the sincerity in the older man’s eyes.

“So I guess it still comes down to those two same choices Will,” Jack smiled. “Can ye find it in ye to give this old life one more chance, or can ye not?”

Slowly, Will nodded his understanding. “I can.”

“Good! Right then, shall we drag ourselves back home?” Jack finally released his friend; offering Will a hand up and re-binding the bleeding wound to his wrist. It would need more attention and care, but he had a feeling he was going to let Elizabeth see to that.

Will rubbed his face, trying and failing to find his balance. “Jack? Remind me not to drink so much. I’m going to have a terrible headache...” he murmured slightly, catching Jack’s arm for balance.

Jack laughed. “*You’ll* have a headache? I’m the one with the black-eye!” he jested, touching the swelling where Will had punched him.

Will smirked. “Well you deserved it.”

Jack laughed harder. “I did not! Not then... *now* I ‘spose I do, but *don’t* you get any ideas,” he added quickly, warding Will off.

“Oopsy!” Jack stopped to nab a couple of full bottles from under the table. “Can’t leave this goin’ ta waste. Here, hold one,” he pushed one into Will’s free hand as they held onto each other for balance and walked out of the house. Jack really hadn’t had enough to be drunk yet, but intended on remedying that situation very shortly, no sense Will having all the fun alone.

“You know of course who they’re going to blame,” Jack commented as they left the blacksmith shop behind them. “When we two come in flat drunk, all blood and bruises. They’re going to blame me,” Jack gestured to himself with the bottle he was drinking out of and laughed. “Oh yes, blame the pirate! ‘tweren’t even my fault this time...”

Will laughed. It felt good to feel *good* again for a change. Oh yes, he was going to pay for his excessive drinking and fighting as soon as the numbing effect of the alcohol wore off and his heart was going to take a long time to heal... but it felt good to be able to laugh once more. And to laugh as a free man.

Jack stumbled into him as they worked their way unsteadily along and he didn’t know whether the pirate was really drunk already, or simply being Jack. Here and there people turned to glance at them, but neither man cared.

“We're beggars and blighters, ne'er do well cads, drink UP me hearties you ho... Sing with me Will!” Jack threw his arm around Will’s shoulders, belting the words out with completely no regard for tune or meter.

Will chuckled and shook his head as he tossed his voice in with Jack’s.

“Yo, ho, yo ho a pirate’s life for me...”


TBC...