Clutching My Cure

Chapter Nine


Even before he opened his eyes, Obi-Wan knew he was alone in the bed once again. Turning his head on the pillow, he could see that dawn was just beginning to make its presence known on Telos. Sighing softly, he stretched, arms over his head and legs splayed as he coaxed his still slumbering body awake. A smile curved his lips as he recalled sleeping the night through with Xanatos spooned up behind him. They had spent an entire night doing nothing more than holding on another.

The smile vanished, replaced with a troubled scowl as he sat up and moved over to the drawers where his clothing was stored. He grabbed the first thing on hand, his thoughts busy trying to sort out his feelings for the fallen Jedi. He refused to label what he was experiencing love. Yes he desired Xanatos more than he ever thought it was possible to desire another person. Yes he enjoyed just talking to the older man, hearing about his life. Yes he was content to merely sit in the other man’s presence, no words necessary as the silence was a comfortable one. And yes, he’d felt more calm, relaxed and content since he’d been in Xan’s company than at any time in his twenty-one years.

Dressed, he studied his reflection in the rooms full length mirror, a stranger staring back at him. His skin was a light golden hue that brought out the blond sun-streaks in hair that now brushed the tops of his shoulders. There was something different about his eyes, and even the way he held himself. Something he couldn’t quite put a finger on, although he sensed it had to do with this new relationship. Unsettled by the thought, he grabbed his lightsaber from an oval table and clipped it to his belt before leaving the room in search of his host.

Xanatos’ staff went out of their way to offer him warm and respectful greetings as he traveled down the hallways. He’d found it odd in the beginning to be surrounded by servants, especially ones who seemed content with the lives and jobs they had. Out of curiosity his second day on Telos, he’d sought out several of them, inquiring about their lives with Xanatos. Once he was able to charm his way past their initial reservations, they’d opened up and began to paint a picture of deCrion that was far different from the one the Jedi no doubt had of him. They spoke respectfully of a man who’d taken many of them from off the streets and given them the first safe home they’d ever had.

Obi-Wan knew the Jedi believed that once a person touched the Darkside, they were forever lost to its power. He and Xanatos knew differently. They had both learned over the years that in order to understand the Force in its entirety, one had to become intimate with both its Light and Dark aspects. In order to touch the Darkside, all one had to do was open themselves up completely, rather than shying away from emotions such as anger and greed. The Jedi ultimately ended up limiting their power when they cut themselves off from all emotion.

Even though he danced an intricate line between both sides, Obi-Wan didn’t consider himself to be a Dark Jedi. He still felt the Light and welcomed the place it had in his life. He simply chose to live his life reveling in the freedom of emotions and sensations that the Darkside afforded one. The only difference between him and his Jedi counterparts, as far as he was concerned, was his willingness to do whatever was necessary to get even and to protect himself, his business interests, and anyone who meant anything to him. The latter list was decidedly sparse at the current time, a fact which hadn’t bothered him until now.

Coming to a stop inside the large training salle, he found the reason for his new discontent in the midst of a kata. Xanatos was dressed in nothing but a pair of sleep pants that hung low on his hips, showcasing rippling abdominal muscles as he moved. Long locks of ebony hair were tied behind his head, bare feet planted squarely on the mat as long fingered hands made a series of graceful movements in the air. Eyes closed, the fallen Jedi was in deep concentration as he expertly performed the exercise, the darker currents that normally swirled around him strangely absent. Watching him at this moment, it would be easy to fool ones self into believing that Xanatos still clung solely to the Light.

It would also be a deadly mistake, Obi-Wan reminded himself as he moved over to take a seat on a nearby bench to wait. In order to try and distract himself from the vision that finished up before him, he turned his thoughts to the eventual first meeting with Qui-Gon Jinn. And failed miserably. His senses were too attuned to Xanatos, his body humming with yearning at being in such close proximity to his lover. Before he knew it, his legs were jiggling as if moving in time to some unheard melody. He shifted in an attempt to find relief from the steadily uncomfortable pressure in his groin. It only got worse when he glanced up to find Xanatos had finished the exercise and was strolling toward him with a naturally seductive roll of the hips.

"Morning, brat."

The smoky greeting was accompanied with a slow, deep kiss that left the younger man breathless. Swallowing the huge lump in his throat, Obi-Wan watched hungrily as Xanatos wiped himself down with a fluffy towel.

"Morning." He winced as it came out sounding hoarse and unsteady. Choosing to ignore the knowing smirk shot his direction, he patted the bench. "Sit and talk to me."

Xanatos’ expression was guarded as he took a seat, draping the towel around his neck. "What do you wish to discuss?"

"You made me a promise. I’ve decided to collect on it."

The fallen Jedi didn’t pretend not to understand what Obi-Wan was referring to. Features tense, long sable lashes concealing his eyes, Xanatos nodded curtly as he rested his elbows on bent knees and told his tale.

"Qui-Gon Jinn discovered me while on a mission to Telos. He managed to persuade my father to give me over to the Jedi for training. I was nine at the time, older than what the Council normally allowed, but Jinn was very adamant. I found out later on that he’d planned on taking me as his apprentice from the beginning, and so he did a year later."

A careless shrug preceded the next portion. "We worked well as a team and got along famously. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that I awoke while on a mission and realized that my feelings for him were undergoing a startling change. Once I’d accepted it in my mind, I set out to do something about obtaining what I desired."

Obi-Wan felt a chill come over him at the words. He wanted to scream at Xanatos to shut up, to get up and run out of the room before he could hear the rest. Instead he remained rooted in place, dreading what was about to be revealed to him.

"I decided to taunt him, make him desire what he couldn’t have, so I slept with anyone who stood still long enough." A self-deprecating grin twisted Xanatos’ lips at the memory. "It didn’t take long for him to begin to show an interest in what I was offering. To give him credit, he rebuffed me until my eighteenth Naming Day. Once the party he’d thrown had broken up, I threw myself at him and he eagerly accepted my advances."

Obi-Wan instinctively drew back from his companion at the admission, drawing a determined stare that refused to let him turn away.

"The sex was good." Xanatos forced himself to ignore Obi-Wan’s flinch and continued on relentlessly. "Our physical relationship continued until the very end of our partnership. If it hadn’t been for it, one of us probably wouldn’t have walked away from our fight alive. To make a long, boring story short, my father offered me wealth and power and I jumped at it with both hands. Jinn tried to stop me and I ended up drawing my ‘saber on him. We fought, nasty things were said on both sides, my father was killed, and I eventually cut my losses and ran."

His story ended, Xanatos awaited his companion’s reaction. It wasn’t long in coming. Blue-gray eyes stared at him in dismay, the almost pretty features twisted in a look that resembled revulsion.

"He took you as his lover? That’s…. He’s….More perverted than I’d ever imagined!" Obi-Wan jumped to his feet, hands running through his hair in agitation as he began to pace. "You were his student, those type of relationships are forbidden between a master and apprentice!"

"I was the one who did the seducing, Obi-Wan," Xanatos quietly reminded him.

"It doesn’t matter. He was the adult, the Jedi Master, he had to know he was breaking several Codes by taking you as his lover. And to think how he dismissed me so casually after Melida/Daan for being weak in character."

Obi-Wan shook his head in disgust, his lips baring in a snarl. "The sanctimonious, hypocritical, lying….bastard! I really can’t wait to get my hands on the sick fucker now."

Xanatos grabbed his young lovers hand, pulling him to an abrupt halt. Staring into eyes that swirled with a host of chaotic emotion and Darkside currents, he brought Obi-Wan’s hand to his mouth, pressing a kiss in the palm.

"I must admit to being surprised at your reaction. Are you angry with me also?"

Hurt flooded Obi-Wan’s features, his gaze slipping away as he chewed on his bottom lip before replying. "You should have told me, before..."

"Before I succumbed to your own well planned seduction?"

Ignoring the pointed question, Obi-Wan thrust his cleft chin out in defiance. "Did you love him?"

"Yes," Xanatos admitted truthfully. "That love took many forms as I grew older, but yes."

"Do you still love him?" Obi-Wan demanded harshly.

"No."

The younger man searched his eyes, looking for the truth. Before the words even left his lips, Xanatos knew exactly what Obi-Wan’s response would be.

"I don’t believe you."

Disappointed, Xanatos released the younger man’s hand, his expression growing cold as he leaned back. "Somehow I’m not surprised."

Obi-Wan crossed his arms over his chest as he stood and waited to see what more the fallen Jedi had to say on the subject. An oddly wistful look briefly flickered over pale, handsome features, before reshaping into indifference. Standing up, Xanatos threw the towel aside as he faced his young lover.

"I don’t know what more I can do to prove my feelings for you, Obi-Wan. I’ve given you my body in a way I’ve never given it to anyone else. I’ve made love to you with everything I have in me, worshipping every inch of your delectable body in every way humanly possible. I’ve set aside my business ventures in order to help you get revenge on a man I used to respect and love. And still you doubt me."

Obi-Wan had the grace to blush, his gaze falling to stare at Xanatos bare feet.

"I’m leaving for Ord Radama in the morning," Xanatos announced in a clipped tone. "My men and I will snatch Jinn’s apprentice and bring him here. When you give the word, I’ll lead Jinn here in order to make a trade for the boy. Then you’ll finally have what you truly want and most desire."

When he started to walk off, Obi-Wan grabbed his arm and yanked him around. "I want to go with you."

"No. You’re emotions toward Jinn are running too high right now and it can make you careless. If we want this to come off without a hitch we need clear heads. You’ll have enough time when I return to give your childhood bully what he deserves."

Obi-Wan was almost afraid to ask, but the words spilled forth before he could stop them. "And then what? What happens between us?"

The sapphire gaze was icy and relentless as it pinned him down. "That, will depend entirely on you, brat. I’d suggest you spend tomorrow making some choices."

Spinning on his heel, Xanatos strode from the salle without a backwards glance. He’d said all he could, now it was up to Obi-Wan to decide what was truly important in his life.