Unreasonable

Pairing: Connor/Murphy [Murphy POV]
Rating: NC17
Warnings: (Tw)incest, m/m slash, angst.
Disclaimer: C&M belong to Troy Duffy, not me. I'm just playing with them in a non-threatening manner.
Note: Thanks to raina_at for the readthrough. :)
Summary: Murphy should know better than to say anything at all, and insecurity isn't just for other people.

["Shoot Me" by Metallica]
I bite my tongue,
Trying not to shoot back.


I try to avoid getting into arguments with Connor. Other people, fuck it, I can give as good as I get. But Connor? He's in a whole different league. I swear to God he spent every moment of spare time he ever had running through every possibility; what could we argue about, what would I be most likely to say in each case and how could whatever came out of my mouth be most succinctly and effectively countered? It's the only explanation I can think of for how well he always comes out of even the slightest disagreement. So, I try to avoid them. But, of course, it isn't always that easy.

I am naked, staring up at him; at the look of sheer rapture on his face. I follow his slow, deliberate movements, aching for something more. Inevitable, really. My mind lost in the haze of heat that rises up from his limbs, I say something. "Move." No, I don't just say it, I growl out the word like a fucking order, like I have the right to tell him to do anything.

"I am moving," he says, eyes opening wide in surprise. A split second later, they're narrowed at me, and he stops even the lazy thrusts, just lays there on top of me, inside me. "Is this not good enough for ya, Murph?"

I shouldn't say a word more. I should just roll my hips up against his and beg with my body for him not to stop. But I can't seem to bite my tongue quite hard enough. "Connor, I just need more..." And I should have ended that request with something simple, something that he could give to me. Shouldn't have left it open, vulnerable to his interpretation. He is off me in an instant, reaching for his jeans, and I am left clutching at the shape of him in the air. "No, don't..."

"You know this is all I can, all I will give you. Why you want..." He stops, frustration evident in his frown as he looks down at me. "If you want to fuck, go find some street-whore. I'm not made for fucking you. Jesus Christ, Murphy, you're never content with what you've got, are you? Do you even know what this is?"

Pointless me trying to tell him I'm perfectly happy with what I've got. Pointless because it's mostly a lie. I'm happy with him. Everything else could always be better. But I wasn't thinking, I spoke the words without thinking at all about how he would take them. I should know better by now, shouldn't I? Anything, even the most fucking innocent of requests, can get under his skin and make him angry. It's nothing I can hold against him; it's just a part of who he is. I'm not even sure why he blew up over this, but I know there's nothing I can say right now that will soothe him. He's waiting for an answer to his question, but I'm still trying to find the pieces of my mind he'd been so methodically shredding, and I'm not quite sure what the question even was any more.

"Dios mio..." He drops onto me like a stone, pins my arms to the sheets. "Te amo, Murphy."

I turn my head, whispering past the boulder that seems to be lodged in my throat. "I know."

"Yes, you know." He lets go of one of my wrists and strokes back my hair in a gesture filled with unexpected intimacy. This is how he wins. "But do you know?"

"Connor, I'm too tired for this. Please, just lie down with me and forget I said anythin'."

"You said you need more. More than I am, more than I do? An' you want me to just forget that?"

"I didn't mean-"

"Right, Murph. You never do."

"I'm sorry! I'm fuckin' sorry I don't choose my words as carefully as you, alright?!"

His lips thin out and he swallows. "You shouldn't have to choose words. I only want y'to be honest."

"Honest? Honestly, you're bein' completely unreasonable. Honestly, when I told y'to move, I just wanted to feel you a bit more. Honestly, I need to know you want me as much as I want you."

"Of course I fuckin' want you."

"Then you have to give me somethin' in return." I feel bolder now that he's looking uncertain. God, maybe... Maybe I'll come out of this alright.

"What?" He's looking at me, bewildered. Power shifted, definitely.

"You. Connor, I've seen you. I've seen how you can lose yourself, I've seen how wild you can be. Fury unleashed, and it's... It's fuckin' beautiful." I reach up to stroke his hair, an echo of that intimacy. "Why can't y'be that free with me? I'm not goin' to break apart in your hands."

"That's different, it's... Just different. Not hate, but it's not this, and this is love." He pauses, looking at me. I don't know what to say, don't know if I should say anything. "You don't understand, do you?"

"But love isn't always so soft..."

"Murphy."

"Well it isn't. It's comfort, being comfortable, like knowing the earth of home and it's as invisible as air though you know it's there, and sure, it's like water too. The way it flows, y'see? It's just fuckin' elemental, so there should be fire as well." I should just have kept my fuckin' big mouth shut, I think, because I'm not even making sense any more.

"Fire," he repeats, his fingers spreading across my cheek. "Open your eyes." His thumb draws my lips apart, I feel the edge of his nail knock against my teeth. I stare up at him, caught. "The thing about fire, Murphy... The thing about fire is that it burns."

I try to speak, to ask what he's so afraid of, but all I can do is slide my tongue along the edge of his thumb. I'm starting to wonder if this is over. It's how things like this end, isn't it? Quietly, unresolved. I'm starting to think it's over and then he says, "I can't even remember the last fuckin' time you said you love me."

And that's what this is all about.

END

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more boondock saints fic (various pairings, mostly connor/murphy but also duffy/greenly, connor/greenly and greenly/smecker) of lower ratings over on my site: http://www.dreamreaver.com/slct and on the livejournal community. y'don't need an LJ to read or comment: http://www.livejournal.com/community/bds_fic

I was told to pimp. :-P