Cinco de Mayo!
folder
G through L › Independence Day
Rating:
Adult +
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1
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1,593
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
G through L › Independence Day
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,593
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own The Island of Dr Moreau, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Cinco de Mayo!
Disclaimer: I don't own Independence Day, I just parodized it with horrible stereotypes.
Cinco de Mayo!
Tres de Mayo
The moon. Her surface is completely silent, since there is no atmosphere. Also, the moon has a vagina, thus, the referral to her as a she.
The moon plaque reads: "Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the moon, July 24, 1969...We came in peace for all mankind..."
Suddenly, there's an earthquake on the moon. No! It's a flying saucer! And IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARDS EARTH! HOLY SHIT, WE'RE FUCKED!
Oh wait, it's just aimed towards Mexico.
~~~
Some bar in Mexico City.
Pedro is drinking loads of tequila. Suddenly, the metal plate in his head starts vibrating. "Hey, senors, I theenk my metal plate in my head is vibrating!" he called to his amigos.
The bartender, Carlos, walks up to the drunken hombre. "Senor Pedro, I theenk thees ees an alien transmission, coming from the moon, I theenk."
~~~
The Gringo House
Presidente Cheech is sitting in bed, smoking a huge joint. "Hey, why the fuck is the TV all fucked up for, man?" he shouted to the Mexican Secret Service agent Carlotta, naked in bed next to him. "I do not know, senor presidente, I am only a lowly whore." "Nonsense, baby, you my bodyguard! Some asshole shoots at me, I throw your ass at him!" Presidente Cheech broke out laughing and took another hit from his blunt. "El Presidente, I have pressing information. One, aliens are headed directly for Mexico, and two, we cannot decide whether to call you Presidente Cheech, El Presidente, or Senor Presidente." Senor El Presidente Cheech was confused. "Isn't there a ~ over the n in senor?" he asked. "We don't know how to type that, sir." Senor ~ El Presidente Cheech nodded.
~~~
Southern Mexico City
Speedy Gonzales is taking a piss when the UFO comes down over Mexico City. "Holy sheet, I theenk we are all fucked, Jasmeen," he says to his stripper girlfriend. "I have to go back to base, I theenk, because they canceled leave from the Cinco de Mayo, which, as everybody knows, is MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!" Jasmine kissed him. "Oh baby, I love you because you gave up the seat on the space shuttle to marry me." Speedy Gonzales looked at her funny. "Wha you talkeeng about, you crazy beetch? I'm a freeking mouse? They don' let MICE on the space shuttle! Besides, I'm Mexican! They know I'd leequor up all the astronauts and ram the ship into the Eenternational Space Station.
~~~
Northern Mexico City
Slowpoke Rodriguez was playing chess with his father, Jewish Levinson. "Slowpoke, your life is shitty. You're a cable repairman and you haven't divorced your wife who you thought had an affair with El Senor ~ Presidente Cheech so you tried to cast me in a public transportation sitcom with Christopher Lloyd, Andy Kaufman, Tony Danza, Danny DeVito, and some stupid chick. I mean, you punched him in the head and got your ass handed to you. Now take a move in this chess game which will later become a metaphor!" The UFO appears over the city. Slowpoke looks at it. "Hollllly sheeeeeet. They's gonnnnnnna attack us. I neeeeed you to taaaake me to the Greeeeeengo House, Jewwwwwish." Jewish nodded, flung Slowpoke into his bicycle basket, and began to pedal towards the Gringo House.
~~~
Randy Quaid pissed his pants. "OMG th0ze 4l13nz b|_|++r4p3d m3," he said. Since l33tspeak is too damn drawn out to type, he immediately dissapears for the remainder of the fic.
~~~
The Gringo House
"Sennnnnorrrr Pressssidente, thooooose aliensssss gonna attack," Slowpoke droned on. "We got...........twenty meeeenutes." "Juzza second, Slowpoke," Cheech said, with five joints in his mouth at once. "Even tho I theenk you're a fucking asshole, I'll take your eenformation to heart, after I watch the communications attempt." He turned toward the TV. "HOLY SHIT! THE HELICOPTERS BLEW UP!" Cheech shouted. "WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Carlotta didn't bother to inform him that she had just shot down some copters in GTA3. Everybody ran for the first helicopter, labeled 'Survivors' except for Carlotta.
~~~
Southern Mexico City
Speedy Gonzales walked up to his wingman, Jimmy Expendable. "Big daddy kick the tires light the fires victory dance reverend marry a stripper!" shouted he. "Senor Jimmeee, I theenk you steel got some Tourette's," Speedy observed. "Hell ass shit bitch yes!" Jimmy replied.
~~~
El Presidente ~ Senor Cheech jumped on Air Farts One. "Hey, man! Smells like sumone sheeet in heeere!" he shouted. Slowpoke, Jewish, and Slowpoke's ex-wife jumped on. Slowpoke opened up his APPLE COMPUTER PRODUCT PLACEMENT EDITION, where a clock was just clicking away: 00:03 00:02 00:01 00:00 "Time's up," said Slowpoke.
~~~
Jasmine, the dog, and her kid hid in a bomb shelter safe from the aliens.
~~~
The aliens destroyed the Gringo House and Mexico City.
"h0li zh1+!!!!1111" Randy Quaid shouted. Quiet you!
~~~
Quatro de Mayo
"Why deedn't I evacuate the ceeetees sooner?" Cheech asked. "Because you were STONED! YOU GODDAMN POT ADDICT!" shouted the Secretary of Defense. "We have one of their ships in Area 52, you know," he added. "Youuuu haaaaad one of thooose theeeengs and deeeedn't telllll anyone? Asssssshole," said Slowpoke.
~~~
Speedy Gonzales, Jimmy Expendable, and the Fucked Knights flew against the alien ship. Suddenly, a bunch of fighters came out and blew everyone to pieces except Speedy Gonzales. Speedy blew up one of the fighters and landed next to Randy Quaid with the alien in his hands.
"Senor, don' eeeven say a word, cuz I KNOW you talk the leeeet. Take me to Area 52."
~~~
Jasmine, the kid, and the dog found Carlotta in the helicopter wreckage.
"Let's take you to the exploded military base my boyfriend works at!" suggested Jasmine. "OK!" said Carlotta back.
~~~
They reached the exploded military base. "Everything's exploded!" Jasmine observed. "No shit, you dumb bitch," said Carlotta. Speedy Gonzales arrived in the helicopter. "Jasmeen! I love you, senorita!" "You always have to make an entrance!" Everyone jumped on the helicopter.
~~~
speedy landed at Area 52, where the medical team took Carlotta down to the hospital. At the same time, El Presidente Cheech landed to be with his mistress. "Carlotta, they say you goan' be alll right." "You a terrible liar, Cheech," Carlotta responded. "You right, baby. Le's do eet!" Cheech pounded on her until she died. President Cheech walked outside. "Is mommy sleeping now?" a little girl asked. "Who the fuck are you, you leetle beetch?"
~~~
The President went down to watch the alien autopsy, being filmed by Fox for their next special. Suddenly, the alien went beserk and killed all the doctors. "Oh sheet!" Cheech yelled. "They goan' kill us all! They want our pot an' tequila, man. Tha's why they came!" The guards blasted the alien with their guns.
~~~
The President stormed into the situation room. "Launch all our fuckeeng nukes at those motherfuckeeng alien bastards!" "But sir..." "I said do eet!"
~~~
In the middle of the desert, Juan Valdez rode his donkey out to the nearest UFO, a 1000 pound nuclear bomb on the back of his mule. He paused for a moment. "I'm Columbeean, you fuckeeng bastards," he commented, and continued to ride.
~~~
Juan reached the UFO. He shoved the nuke into the donkey's asshole. "Time to eet, senor donkey," Juan said, and force-fed a pound of refried beans down the donkey's mouth. He then aimed the donkey upward, and the fart shoved the nuke straight up. He then cowered under the donkey, using it as protection from the nuclear blast.
He noticed that the ship didn't take a scratch, and began the long ride back to Area 52 on his donkey, miraculously unscathed.
~~~
"Not a fuckeeng scratch! Sheet!"
~~~
Cinco de Mayo
Slowpoke Rodriguez stumbled over the trashcan. "We have to fuck eeeeet alllll up, senors. Burn the pot fields. Essssstinct the tequila worm. Dreenk alllll the tequila, and blow up the factoreeees." Jewish came out and smacked him. "Whassa matta with ya, huh? Are you high, or something?" Slowpoke looked up. "Thaaaaas' eeeet!"
~~~
Slowpoke had everybody assemble into the room with the alien saucer. "Waaatch theeees." He took a massive hit off a joint, and puffed it at the saucer. Its shield reflected the smoke, but everyone else got high. "Now, soldier guy, see if you can shoot that can off the sheeeep." The soldier guy pulled his gun and shot. Extremely stoned, he accidentally took out the Secretary of Defense. "Oops." "No matter," Slowpoke said. He took another massive hit, blew it all into a microphone attached to his computer, did some typing, and told the soldier to try again. He aimed better this time, and shot the technician inside the ship, with a hole left through the window. "Weeee! We can break their fuckin' ships!" President Cheech shouted. "And I can fly it! Andale andale arriba arriba!" Speedy Gonzales shouted.
~~~
President Cheech stood in front of a mirror. "Een less than an hour, senor, you're gonna kick some fuckin' alien ass. Alien ass, that word has new meanin' today. Since Carlotta died, maybe you can get some intergalactic pussy!"
~~~
President Cheech popped into Mexico's ratty old jet from the 50s.
Slowpoke and Speedy popped into their UFO. "You'll have theees nuke, senors," Juan Valdez informed them. "Use eet wisely."
The bipolar duo sped off toward the mothership, behind the moon.
President Cheech took off, smoking a joint containing more pot than his body weight.
Slowpoke and Speedy landed in the mothership. They both puffed on the biggest joints in existence, weighing more than fifty tons. They quickly made the entire alien populace in the ship high. They took their nuke off their plane and set the timer for thirty seconds and busted the hell out of there, and the mothership explode.
President Cheech landed inside the smaller UFO, which was about to destroy Area 52. He picks up some intergalactic pussy, which had four big boobies. "Come on, baby! Le's go do it!"
Presidente Cheech flies out of the UFO. Suddenly, Randy Quaid comes flying in at five miles per hour, with a ton of explosives strapped to his chest. He shouts, "Tell my children...1 4// +3h l337!!!!1111" He flies the plane onto the ship's self-destruct button, blasting it to pieces.
~~~
Everybody hooks up in the big party room of Area 52. They all smoke blunts, guzzle tequila, and watch Three Amigos until they decide to retake the Alamo. The U.S. military blasts them all to hell within 52 minutes.
The end!
Cinco de Mayo!
Tres de Mayo
The moon. Her surface is completely silent, since there is no atmosphere. Also, the moon has a vagina, thus, the referral to her as a she.
The moon plaque reads: "Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the moon, July 24, 1969...We came in peace for all mankind..."
Suddenly, there's an earthquake on the moon. No! It's a flying saucer! And IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARDS EARTH! HOLY SHIT, WE'RE FUCKED!
Oh wait, it's just aimed towards Mexico.
~~~
Some bar in Mexico City.
Pedro is drinking loads of tequila. Suddenly, the metal plate in his head starts vibrating. "Hey, senors, I theenk my metal plate in my head is vibrating!" he called to his amigos.
The bartender, Carlos, walks up to the drunken hombre. "Senor Pedro, I theenk thees ees an alien transmission, coming from the moon, I theenk."
~~~
The Gringo House
Presidente Cheech is sitting in bed, smoking a huge joint. "Hey, why the fuck is the TV all fucked up for, man?" he shouted to the Mexican Secret Service agent Carlotta, naked in bed next to him. "I do not know, senor presidente, I am only a lowly whore." "Nonsense, baby, you my bodyguard! Some asshole shoots at me, I throw your ass at him!" Presidente Cheech broke out laughing and took another hit from his blunt. "El Presidente, I have pressing information. One, aliens are headed directly for Mexico, and two, we cannot decide whether to call you Presidente Cheech, El Presidente, or Senor Presidente." Senor El Presidente Cheech was confused. "Isn't there a ~ over the n in senor?" he asked. "We don't know how to type that, sir." Senor ~ El Presidente Cheech nodded.
~~~
Southern Mexico City
Speedy Gonzales is taking a piss when the UFO comes down over Mexico City. "Holy sheet, I theenk we are all fucked, Jasmeen," he says to his stripper girlfriend. "I have to go back to base, I theenk, because they canceled leave from the Cinco de Mayo, which, as everybody knows, is MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!" Jasmine kissed him. "Oh baby, I love you because you gave up the seat on the space shuttle to marry me." Speedy Gonzales looked at her funny. "Wha you talkeeng about, you crazy beetch? I'm a freeking mouse? They don' let MICE on the space shuttle! Besides, I'm Mexican! They know I'd leequor up all the astronauts and ram the ship into the Eenternational Space Station.
~~~
Northern Mexico City
Slowpoke Rodriguez was playing chess with his father, Jewish Levinson. "Slowpoke, your life is shitty. You're a cable repairman and you haven't divorced your wife who you thought had an affair with El Senor ~ Presidente Cheech so you tried to cast me in a public transportation sitcom with Christopher Lloyd, Andy Kaufman, Tony Danza, Danny DeVito, and some stupid chick. I mean, you punched him in the head and got your ass handed to you. Now take a move in this chess game which will later become a metaphor!" The UFO appears over the city. Slowpoke looks at it. "Hollllly sheeeeeet. They's gonnnnnnna attack us. I neeeeed you to taaaake me to the Greeeeeengo House, Jewwwwwish." Jewish nodded, flung Slowpoke into his bicycle basket, and began to pedal towards the Gringo House.
~~~
Randy Quaid pissed his pants. "OMG th0ze 4l13nz b|_|++r4p3d m3," he said. Since l33tspeak is too damn drawn out to type, he immediately dissapears for the remainder of the fic.
~~~
The Gringo House
"Sennnnnorrrr Pressssidente, thooooose aliensssss gonna attack," Slowpoke droned on. "We got...........twenty meeeenutes." "Juzza second, Slowpoke," Cheech said, with five joints in his mouth at once. "Even tho I theenk you're a fucking asshole, I'll take your eenformation to heart, after I watch the communications attempt." He turned toward the TV. "HOLY SHIT! THE HELICOPTERS BLEW UP!" Cheech shouted. "WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Carlotta didn't bother to inform him that she had just shot down some copters in GTA3. Everybody ran for the first helicopter, labeled 'Survivors' except for Carlotta.
~~~
Southern Mexico City
Speedy Gonzales walked up to his wingman, Jimmy Expendable. "Big daddy kick the tires light the fires victory dance reverend marry a stripper!" shouted he. "Senor Jimmeee, I theenk you steel got some Tourette's," Speedy observed. "Hell ass shit bitch yes!" Jimmy replied.
~~~
El Presidente ~ Senor Cheech jumped on Air Farts One. "Hey, man! Smells like sumone sheeet in heeere!" he shouted. Slowpoke, Jewish, and Slowpoke's ex-wife jumped on. Slowpoke opened up his APPLE COMPUTER PRODUCT PLACEMENT EDITION, where a clock was just clicking away: 00:03 00:02 00:01 00:00 "Time's up," said Slowpoke.
~~~
Jasmine, the dog, and her kid hid in a bomb shelter safe from the aliens.
~~~
The aliens destroyed the Gringo House and Mexico City.
"h0li zh1+!!!!1111" Randy Quaid shouted. Quiet you!
~~~
Quatro de Mayo
"Why deedn't I evacuate the ceeetees sooner?" Cheech asked. "Because you were STONED! YOU GODDAMN POT ADDICT!" shouted the Secretary of Defense. "We have one of their ships in Area 52, you know," he added. "Youuuu haaaaad one of thooose theeeengs and deeeedn't telllll anyone? Asssssshole," said Slowpoke.
~~~
Speedy Gonzales, Jimmy Expendable, and the Fucked Knights flew against the alien ship. Suddenly, a bunch of fighters came out and blew everyone to pieces except Speedy Gonzales. Speedy blew up one of the fighters and landed next to Randy Quaid with the alien in his hands.
"Senor, don' eeeven say a word, cuz I KNOW you talk the leeeet. Take me to Area 52."
~~~
Jasmine, the kid, and the dog found Carlotta in the helicopter wreckage.
"Let's take you to the exploded military base my boyfriend works at!" suggested Jasmine. "OK!" said Carlotta back.
~~~
They reached the exploded military base. "Everything's exploded!" Jasmine observed. "No shit, you dumb bitch," said Carlotta. Speedy Gonzales arrived in the helicopter. "Jasmeen! I love you, senorita!" "You always have to make an entrance!" Everyone jumped on the helicopter.
~~~
speedy landed at Area 52, where the medical team took Carlotta down to the hospital. At the same time, El Presidente Cheech landed to be with his mistress. "Carlotta, they say you goan' be alll right." "You a terrible liar, Cheech," Carlotta responded. "You right, baby. Le's do eet!" Cheech pounded on her until she died. President Cheech walked outside. "Is mommy sleeping now?" a little girl asked. "Who the fuck are you, you leetle beetch?"
~~~
The President went down to watch the alien autopsy, being filmed by Fox for their next special. Suddenly, the alien went beserk and killed all the doctors. "Oh sheet!" Cheech yelled. "They goan' kill us all! They want our pot an' tequila, man. Tha's why they came!" The guards blasted the alien with their guns.
~~~
The President stormed into the situation room. "Launch all our fuckeeng nukes at those motherfuckeeng alien bastards!" "But sir..." "I said do eet!"
~~~
In the middle of the desert, Juan Valdez rode his donkey out to the nearest UFO, a 1000 pound nuclear bomb on the back of his mule. He paused for a moment. "I'm Columbeean, you fuckeeng bastards," he commented, and continued to ride.
~~~
Juan reached the UFO. He shoved the nuke into the donkey's asshole. "Time to eet, senor donkey," Juan said, and force-fed a pound of refried beans down the donkey's mouth. He then aimed the donkey upward, and the fart shoved the nuke straight up. He then cowered under the donkey, using it as protection from the nuclear blast.
He noticed that the ship didn't take a scratch, and began the long ride back to Area 52 on his donkey, miraculously unscathed.
~~~
"Not a fuckeeng scratch! Sheet!"
~~~
Cinco de Mayo
Slowpoke Rodriguez stumbled over the trashcan. "We have to fuck eeeeet alllll up, senors. Burn the pot fields. Essssstinct the tequila worm. Dreenk alllll the tequila, and blow up the factoreeees." Jewish came out and smacked him. "Whassa matta with ya, huh? Are you high, or something?" Slowpoke looked up. "Thaaaaas' eeeet!"
~~~
Slowpoke had everybody assemble into the room with the alien saucer. "Waaatch theeees." He took a massive hit off a joint, and puffed it at the saucer. Its shield reflected the smoke, but everyone else got high. "Now, soldier guy, see if you can shoot that can off the sheeeep." The soldier guy pulled his gun and shot. Extremely stoned, he accidentally took out the Secretary of Defense. "Oops." "No matter," Slowpoke said. He took another massive hit, blew it all into a microphone attached to his computer, did some typing, and told the soldier to try again. He aimed better this time, and shot the technician inside the ship, with a hole left through the window. "Weeee! We can break their fuckin' ships!" President Cheech shouted. "And I can fly it! Andale andale arriba arriba!" Speedy Gonzales shouted.
~~~
President Cheech stood in front of a mirror. "Een less than an hour, senor, you're gonna kick some fuckin' alien ass. Alien ass, that word has new meanin' today. Since Carlotta died, maybe you can get some intergalactic pussy!"
~~~
President Cheech popped into Mexico's ratty old jet from the 50s.
Slowpoke and Speedy popped into their UFO. "You'll have theees nuke, senors," Juan Valdez informed them. "Use eet wisely."
The bipolar duo sped off toward the mothership, behind the moon.
President Cheech took off, smoking a joint containing more pot than his body weight.
Slowpoke and Speedy landed in the mothership. They both puffed on the biggest joints in existence, weighing more than fifty tons. They quickly made the entire alien populace in the ship high. They took their nuke off their plane and set the timer for thirty seconds and busted the hell out of there, and the mothership explode.
President Cheech landed inside the smaller UFO, which was about to destroy Area 52. He picks up some intergalactic pussy, which had four big boobies. "Come on, baby! Le's go do it!"
Presidente Cheech flies out of the UFO. Suddenly, Randy Quaid comes flying in at five miles per hour, with a ton of explosives strapped to his chest. He shouts, "Tell my children...1 4// +3h l337!!!!1111" He flies the plane onto the ship's self-destruct button, blasting it to pieces.
~~~
Everybody hooks up in the big party room of Area 52. They all smoke blunts, guzzle tequila, and watch Three Amigos until they decide to retake the Alamo. The U.S. military blasts them all to hell within 52 minutes.
The end!