The Au Pair's Diaries

Disclaimer: Recognizable Star Wars characters belong to The Flanneled One, George Lucas. I make no money from this story, just a little playtime in a galaxy far, far away. Repressitol is a creation of The Simpsons, not me. No copywright infringement is intended in the borrowing of either Star Wars or The Simpsons. The au pair, Misia Ronait, belongs to me.

Summary: Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker hire an au pair to help out with one-year old Ben. Misia Ronait, a Coruscant University early education major, learns far too much about the Skywalkers’ living habits, especially their sex life in the five days she works for them. She cries for little Ben’s future. It’s a laugh!

A/N: None of the events of the NJO book series happens, although a certain phrase from the books is used which anyone who read the series will recognize immediately. I also use a couple references from the Simpsons, Arrested Development and other shows but in a context appropriate to this universe. Also a CSI fan fiction called “To Bangkok and Back” by Laura Katharine. L/M fans may not like this story too much unless they possess an exceptionally twisted sense of humor. Possible spoilers include all of the post-ROTJ novels excluding the NJO. Oh and a shout-out to my friend Lecie, who is working as a babysitter, albeit for a much saner family. Please keep in mind there is no strict structure to the form of this fic, they are diary entries and most of us aren't thinking about grammar at that point.

Day 1

8:00 am

Everything is going well. It’s such a relief! The interview that Mrs…I mean, Mara, conducted was stressful to say the least. (She said, jokingly I hope, that if I ever called her Mrs. Skywalker to her face she’d kill me. She used to be an assassin, so, um, I’m going to take this threat seriously.) I understand why, of course, they’re a high-profile family and they don’t want Ben kidnapped multiple times like Luke’s (who’s quite attractive in person) niece and nephews were. I have my own room on the main floor, under their bedroom. Ben’s nursery is upstairs too, though he spends most of his time in the playroom on the main floor. And, wow, these folks are early risers! Quite literally with the dawn. I’ll get used to it. Well, maybe. I get nights and weekends off, which is nice. I’m taking one class this semester at university, a night class twice a week. In fourteen weeks (and 150,000 credits in tuition and later) I’ll finally have my diploma!

Maybe I should take this as a clue, but Luke brought up the fact that his sister and brother-in-law would occasionally look after Ben but he hasn’t been able to reach her lately. Her number is ‘disconnected’, no one is ever at her apartment and Mara inserted that Princess Leia mentioned being, “sick to death of them”. Okay, this is a little weird because even though Mara and Luke laughed it off, something tells me Princess Leia wasn’t laughing when she said it. Hmm. Random note: Mara’s eye teeth are very pointed. Like vampiric pointed. Strange. Mara sat in the sunlight during our interview so that’s not it. She doesn’t smile much so I imagine not too many other people have noticed this. And her eyes are glowy.

I noticed something odd about Luke though. He, like, ate breakfast at the table wearing nothing but a pair of cut-off shorts and another pair of tinier blue briefs on top of those. Oh and black socks rolled up to his knees. Granted he has a very well-defined chest and nice legs but… I didn’t think these people actually existed. I think they’re called never-nudes. I’m hoping he forgot to put on his pants since I’m living in the house now. Hmm. Just odd.


12 noon

Ben’s such a calm and relaxed baby. He’s eaten three times already today, so I guess his stomach is nice and full. Mara has called at least six times from the temple since they left three hours ago. I understand she’s a first time mother and she’s skittish about someone else taking care of little Ben, but honestly! I missed a call about an hour ago because I was in the refresher and five minutes later, she was back at the apartments! Maybe she should just stay at home if she can’t adjust to this arrangement. I’ve been an au pair for the senator from Chandrila and the Ambassador from Garqi so I’m accustomed to frazzled, well-to-do families. Whatever. I’m just going to let it roll off.


10:00pm

We all left the house earlier this evening. They went to the Calrissian’s for dinner and I headed off to my four hour class. I was beyond tired getting back home so I was ever so pleased that everyone else was in bed when I got back. I don’t think I could handle anymore Skywalker weirdness tonight. All in all, it was a good day.


Day 2

5:00am

OH. MY. GODS! Are they always this loud?!?!?!

Okay, listen, I’m very comfortable with sexual expression. My parents are sexologists after all and being from Artesian, I’m anything but a prude. However, being awakened at 3 am to the sounds of those two getting it on just pissed me off! All I hear from Mara upstairs is, “HUSBAND MINE! HUSBAND MINE!!! HUSBAND MINE!!!” Who the fuck says that? I guess she does. That’s the dumbest phrase I’ve ever heard, especially during sex. Then after that, this loud thump on the floor, so one of them must’ve fallen out of bed. They must be doing some sort of sexual gymnastics, which isn’t a problem but, I dunno. I just…ugh. They’re just give me a queasiness.

So I leave my room and go into the kitchen to get a glass of water and honestly, distance myself from the sounds reverberating in my room from above. And because I didn’t obviously have my fill of Skywalker weirdness tonight, Luke comes into the kitchen, hair sticking up at odd angles and…smoking. Did…did she light him on fire or something? That’s some kink, like whoa. If it wasn’t for the fact that Luke’s a never-nude I guess he would’ve been naked as the day is long walking into the kitchen. Okay, so that wouldn’t be bad. I wonder, does he not take that off even during sex? I’ve never been one for sex with clothes on and this man has on two layers around…okay, you know what. I’m going to stop thinking about that. I really, really am.

“Hey,” Luke says just a little to casual for me. I don’t even know how to respond to that so I think I muttered something resembling a late-night greeting.

“Oh, hi,” I manage to get out. “I’m going back to bed. I think I’m sleepwalking.”

“Yeah,” he says, setting up for the corniest pun ever. “I’m Skywalking!”

Oh. My. Gods. I give a little laugh then hightail it to my room leaving him behind still chuckling, slightly nude, in the kitchen. This family is just nine kinds of what the fuck. I don’t even go back to sleep at this point since they’ll be right back up in two and a half hours. Luckily, no more sex tonight. I never thought I’d say that about sex.


2:00pm

And of course Ben decides to be uncooperative today and not take his early afternoon nap. He’s a cute kid but I really wasn’t in the mood to be talkative. He likes when I sing to him so I sing myself hoarse before he finally passes out in the playroom. I go to get one of my pillows and take a nap right next to him. Didn’t get much rest though because, wow, Ben is a little gassy. And when I say a little, I actually mean a lot. Quite honestly, this kid should never be placed close to an open flame. Pureed baby food shouldn’t produce this smell. It’s just not right.


8:00pm

Since I don’t have class tonight the Skywalkers invited me to dine with them at home. A little voice inside of me said, “No! Run!!” But did I listen? Ah, of course not! So Mara offered to cook dinner, which, I don’t know. It just doesn’t fit the increasingly twisted portrait I have of her in my mind. Anyway Mara cooks this Corellian dish she learned years ago back in the days she used to slit people’s throats for the Emperor. Direct quote. This woman is psycho. Something Mara added to the meal gave me an allergic reaction because I’ve been running back and forth to the ‘fresher since 6:30 with dinner coming out of both ends. They offer to take me to the hospital. I take a pass.

I’ve never been a praying person, but I plead to the 12 gods of Artesian to “pleeeease make it stop!!!” Luke jokingly says that if Mara ever does actually kill him, it’ll probably be through her cooking. They laugh. I literally vomit. I’m thinking, “Could she not kill me too when she decides to take you out?” Dumbass. Like this is--


Day 3

2:00am

Again, with the loud sex! Sorry I had to cut off that last entry but Nature called. So, just when I think the Skywalker sex can’t get any stranger, they go and surprise me. Are these walls getting thinner in this house or are they just incredibly loud? There she goes again, “HUSBAND MINE! HUSBAND MINE!” Oh shut up, Mara! I doubt someone who can’t get completely naked can be that good in bed. I dunno, maybe they use the Force, which I think would be an egregious use but, hey, what the fuck do I know?

Oh, right, the increasing weirdness. So, once again, the thump on the floor. However, now I know it’s Luke falling to the floor. Why? Because I hear him say, “No!!! Father, please!!!” a couple seconds of silence pass then I hear him say, “Do it again, baby!” and repeat. Whoa, talk about daddy issues! I’ll have to ask my psych major of an ex-boyfriend what complex that is. If it even fits in one. Maybe they’ll create a new complex just for Luke because he’s just that special. I knew from history class that Darth Vader was a son of a bitch but gods, I didn’t know he was like…well, that.

Once again, I escape into the kitchen. This time though, I’m desperately looking for the Whyren’s Reserve Mara said to not touch because they keep it there for Captain Solo when he and Princess Leia used to come over. Oh well, I’ll have to owe him because I find it and pour a double straight up. After hearing these people have truly strange sex, I just may have to join one of those religions that repress sex because I think they’re ruining me. I just can’t get away from these two! Do they shout weird shit just to drive me out of my room into the kitchen then stop immediately to come downstairs and see the still terrified look of horror frozen on my face?

Here they come. I fill up my red plastic cup the rest of the way knowing I’ll need to down this in one gulp after this encounter. They’re arguing. Here’s a snippet of the horror:

Luke: You have to work on your aim, darling. We’ve been doing this for a while.

Mara: Look, I didn’t mean to hit your damn hand, okay?

Luke: *sighs* It’s just that it’s damn annoying having to activate Artoo to rewire it because you can’t aim your Force-lightning!

Then they notice me. I really wish they hadn’t. By then I had dropped my cup full of sweet, sweet escape, my mouth agape. I thought I heard that only Sith Lords do Force-lightning. Mara heads over to Artoo’s recharging station as Luke plops down at the table. I grab a wet towel to clean up the spilled drink as they chat me up.

Luke: Are you sleepwalking again?

Mara: You sleepwalk?

Me: Apparently. I usually don’t remember in the morning.

Mara: Perhaps you should get that looked at. It could be dangerous.

Me: Dangerous?

Mara: One time I was sent on a mission by the Emperor to kill this Moff who had been expressing dislike of the Emperor’s policies. Palpatine thought he was in with the Rebels. Anyway, I learned from one of his mistresses that he sleepwalks. So I laid in wait in their apartment and sure enough he came sleepwalking out. It was easy at that point to just use a Force-suggestion to have him walk out onto his balcony and jump over the side.

Me: *shocked silent*

Luke: Huh. Well, that was in your past. You’re different now.

Mara: Yeah. Sure. Different.

Needless to say, I was fucking scared at this point. Honestly, who the fuck is more psycho between those two? You know, I will be well and truly surprised if little Ben doesn’t grow up to be a spice-snorting Sith Lord. I’m going to pray for that little boy. No wonder he took to me immediately. He wants someone to rescue him! I silently excuse myself and run to my room. I’m not going back to sleep. Not in this house. I can’t take this anymore but I need to pay off my student loans and… I think I’m going to go cry now.


9:00am

I’m on my tenth cup of kaf. I didn’t go to sleep because I was afraid my employer may show me just how dangerous ‘sleepwalking’ is and well, now I’m stressed and wired and…wait…I think I can hear my heart beating. Sounds like a drum. Huh, that’s kinda cool. I can totally dance to my heart rhythms. Hahahahha! I’m almost out of kaf, I need some more. Thank the gods of Artesian for Mara because if it wasn’t for her there’d be no kaf in that house. All Luke drinks is fucking hot chocolate. I tell that never-nude asshole I need something to keep me up, so he suggests hot chocolate. I said I need to stay awake you asshat not be lulled to sleep by a warm cup of cocoa!

I’ve been thinking. I’m willing to sacrifice my birth control pills to prevent Mara and Luke from having another child. Because honestly, they didn’t need this one. This kid is going to be beyond screwed up if he stays in this house. He should be sterilized too because there’s something seriously wrong with these Skywalker men. They just shouldn’t reproduce. Obviously there’s something wrong with Luke’s father, what was his name…Anakin, that’s right. Then Luke…I mean, damn. What kind of person doesn’t EVER get nude? It only stands to reason that Ben will be ultracrazy, with Mara as a mother in addition to the Skywalker-crazy, to the point where he continues to wear diapers until well into his forties beating himself on the head with a spoon. Think Mara would know something was different with her kaf? Think Luke would notice his hot chocolate has a different kick to it?

It must be that Y-chromosome because I think Princess Leia is normal. After all, she’s distanced herself from this madness. Intelligent woman. Her children seem fine, despite all the early childhood kidnappings. I think I’d rather live with her and Captain Solo. They just seem so…cool.

3:00pm

You know how you start a conversation and it’s going to a very bad place where you don’t want to be and yet you can’t stop it? All of my conversations with Luke are like this. So, this time he comes to me and I can see right away why he always wears his Jedi robes in public. His never-nude ‘costume’ makes his pants, about a size too large anyway, seem lumpy. Oh…it’s just not right! Anyway, the conversation goes a little like this:

Luke: Misia, may I ask you something?

Me: *hesitantly* Um…sure Luke. What is it?

Luke: Your parents are sexologists, right? So I’m sure they’ve taught you a lot.

Me, not liking where this is heading at all despite my former crush on him: Yes…

Luke: I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want.

Me: No, go ahead.

Luke: Well…I wanted to know…is it normal for a human male to want to… Well, I get off on wearing women’s underwear. On occasion, not all the time.

Me, not at all surprised at this point: Oh, okay. A lot of men like women’s underwear because it’s soft. But I personally don’t wea-

Luke, smiles: Oh, no, please. Finish what you were saying.

Me, caught like a rat: I don’t wear any underwear usually. It’s good to have airflow around your parts.

Luke: Ah…I see. *he looks me up and down then smiles real creepy-like* That explains the lack of pantylines when you wear that pair of black pants you had on yesterday. And I suppose the dress you have on today provides a great deal of airflow.

Me: Exactly. Well, I need to go…

I dreamed of this man flirting with me when I was a teenager. Now? I’m just repulsed. It’s amazing how abnormal these public figures can be behind closed doors. I can’t take living here anymore. I make dinner plans with friends tonight to keep from going absolutely nutty. Like the rest of them.

3:30pm

So, I’m walking upstairs to Ben’s nursery. I have to pass the garden terrace to do so. Apparently Luke is a never-nude gardener, which just ain’t right. Every time I see this, I just think about that poor, poor baby upstairs. He’ll have enough psychological complexes to warrant an independent study just on him. Why couldn’t they have gone to the temple today? Or at least give me the day off.


6:08pm

Okay, so Mara just left my room not too long ago. She is apparently under the impression that I made a move on Luke. Sorry, Mara, he’s a little too kinky for me. After all, I don’t have that Force-lightning dealy you do.

Mara: Misia, before you leave on your date tonight, we need to have a serious talk.

Me: Sure no problem.

Mara: I’ve been noticing the way Luke looks at you. He also mentioned that you told him that you
don’t always wear panties. Are you attracted to my husband?

Me, hoping to get fired. Killed even, at this point I don’t care! I just want out: Yes. Yes I am.

Mara, glares: Keep away from him. Otherwise you’ll have a very unfortunate accident.

Me: Well, I’m planning on sleepwalking again tonight. Maybe you can pitch me over the balcony like that Moff.

Mara: Don’t tempt me.

Me: Oh, it’s okay. I’m not busy for the rest of my life.

Mara: Cute, very cute. Listen, just stay away for your own good.

Me: Fine. A question though, did your husband tell you the exact context of the conversation during which my panty wearing schedule was discussed?

Mara: No.

Me: Ah. You see, your husband asked me if it was normal for a human male to get off on wearing women’s underwear. I said it was normal and-

Mara, cuts me off: That bastard! No wonder all my thongs have been stretched out! He’s been wearing them over his cut-offs!

With that Mara ‘Psycho’ Jade Skywalker storms out of the room and I get the hell out of dodge, like quick. Maybe I should take this diary with me. Gods know I don’t need them reading my opinions of them. Or…maybe that’ll get me fired! Yes! I’ll leave it on the dining room table. I told my parents yesterday I wanted to get out of this arrangement. They think I’m just cracking under the pressure of my last semester of university. If they only knew…


Day 4


1:00am

Fuckers. They didn’t read the damn diary!! They can ask me about wearing women’s underwear. They can ask me about trying to instigate an extramarital affair. They can scream out their sex play but they can’t bring themselves to peak at my damn diary?! When I stumbled in reeking of whisky, cigars and nightclub funk all they said was, “Oh, Misia, you left your diary out here by mistake. We put it on your bed. Good night!” All cheery. It’s amazing. Maybe if I was their kid they'd get nosy…fuckers! I hate them! What the hell do I have to do to get these people to fire me? Ah, I’ll go find some dark Jedi and give them Ben. Neh…that’s okay. Besides, I’m feeling shaky now so I should go to sleep…


3:00am

“HUSBAND MINE!! HUSBAND MINE!!!” It seems extra loud tonight. Or maybe it’s ‘cuz I’m incredibl…ind…incredibly drunk right now. Where’s that drunken blackout when I need it? Found some more Whyren’s int My friends think I’m exag…excz…wait, what’s that word for when people make things sound worse than…whatever, I know what I mean! *thump* There goes freaky Lukey hitting the floor. They really need to change up their…yeh… Huh. I just heard Luke scream “OW! Shit Mara!” Oh gods, what the !&$@#&$ is it now?! Should I go to the kitchen, I’m thinking. Of course!


3:15am

Ben is so screwed for life. He really is.


3:18am

So, I went to the kitchen were we seem to always meet up after their ‘strange sex’. Mara walks in looking for a fancy muffin. I’m actually surprised I was as…awake and conscious as I am, but this family has the uncanny ability to stirl one out of a drunken stupor. Especially at the site of Luke bleeding rather profusely out of his neck.

Luke: Force, Mara, how many times have I said I don’t like bloodsports!

Oh. My. Gods.

Mara: Sorry, I couldn’t help it. You’re just so tasty.

Luke, applying his own bandage: That’s it. You’re getting those things filed down!

Mara: The hell I am!

Luke: Despite whatever delusion you’re under, love, I am a more powerful Jedi. So if I have you, I will knock your ass out and cart you off to a dentist and file all your teeth down so low you’ll only be able to eat Ben’s pureed baby food!

Mara: You wouldn’t dare, husband mine.

Luke: Oh, I dare. I dare.

Mara: Oh, what are you just trying to show off in front of your little girlfriend over there! *she points to me*

Luke: Yeah, that’s right!

Me: Uhh…no I’m

Mara: I knew it! You men are all the same. You think your older wives are nothing more than trade-ins at the used speeder lot!

Luke: Considering how much you fake tan, you do have a striking resemblance to an old leather seat. Besides, I need a change in the type of women I date.

Me: Excuse me?

Mara: What the hell is that supposed to mean, husband mine?

Luke: I can only take so much ‘shiny red-gold hair’ that comes out of a bottle! I wanted to date a light brown, raven-haired beauty. Just for a change.

Me: Whoa, wait a minute!

Mara: My ‘shiny red-gold hair’ does NOT come out of a bottle!

Luke: The hell it doesn’t! You think I don’t notice that box of hair color you keep hidden underneath your black pants in the left drawer?

Mara: What? Are you wearing my clothes now too?

Me: SHUT! UP! Okay, enough yelling because, firstly, I have a splitting binge drinking headache thanks to the likes of you two.

Luke: We didn’t make you binge drink.

Me: I disagree. Between your loud sex which I find unusually disgusting, and mind you, this is coming from someone who’s watched Mon Cal porn because her ex-boyfriend used to get off on it and your *I point to Luke* ‘never nudeness’, it’s driving me batty! Your little boy will be so lucky if he grows into an adult that’s playing with a full deck of sabaac cards. You two have got to the most disgusting human beings I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing, working for and breathing the same air as.

Mara: That’s a bit harsh.

Me: Not really. I can be much more harsh but my vocabulary eludes me on the count of being drunk off my ass right now. Now, I’m not sleeping with Luke. If this had been different circumstances, like, say, him not being a complete nutjob and having the psychological malfunction of being a never-nude, then maybe.

Luke: Really? I can stop being a never-nude.

Me: Do it.

Luke, pauses and shifts awkwardly and then: Maybe later.

Me: Ugh, whatever. Mara, stop saying husband mine. Especially, and I can’t stress this enough, ESPECIALLY DURING SEX!

Mara: So what should I say oh, sexwise one?

Me: Call his name, call on god or goddess or The Force or whatever the fuck. Just stop saying husband mine! No one talks like that! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to sleep off the rest of this whisky because I have a long day tomorrow. Good night!

And I leave them in the kitchen, astounded. And most importantly, quiet. Very, very quiet. Yay…I can sleep! I can’t believe Ben never wakes up during all this ruckus. He probably drinks a little whisky before he goes to bed too. Do you blame the kid? Oh and my psych major ex-boyfriend named Luke’s complex: he called it crazy. Smart ass.


8:00am

Have I mentioned yet how much I love Artoo? Well, I will here! I LOVE ARTOO! This little droid is a lifesaver! He has a lot of empathy for an astromech. Artoo put in a call to Princess Leia and Captain Solo and told them of my predicament. They’re coming to rescue me!! Wait, I’m going to do a little dance of joy. *dances* They’re coming tomorrow night at midnight. Luke and Mara are always in bed then having their ‘strange sex’ and ‘fancy muffins’. It’s strange, well, maybe not really. Princess Leia and Captain Solo told Artoo where they are currently but not Luke and Mara. Who can blame them? Okay, I’ve gotta play it cool. Can’t let the inmates of the asylum here know about this. Ben must know something is up because he’s been so clingy today.

Oh and Luke and Mara? They had the nerve to ‘forgive’ me for my outburst early this morning. Shocked stupid, I was! As I walked away from them I could feel Luke’s eyes on my ass scanning for pantylines. Usually, I wouldn’t mind. I’ve got a nice ass. I work out. But he’s got this lecherous vibe about him. Awkward! Then I remember I’m wearing those black pants he seems to like and I vow I will burn them after I leave this place. I am so very glad I have class again tonight.


4:00pm

Thirty-two hours left. Can I make it? Barely. Apparently this apartment is haunted. I left Ben playing with his building blocks in the playroom to go get a glass of water from the kitchen. When I return to the playroom it’s promptly dropped as I see Ben hovering in the air. But, not just hovering…the way his body is positioned, it looks as though something is holding him. Something I can’t see. This was about at 1 pm and I just now regained consciousness after passing out at the sight. Luckily Ben didn’t crawl into the glass but just climbed up on my stomach, curled up and went to sleep. I cleaned up the glass and the water and closed the door to the haunted playroom. I’m going to have to have a talk with the Skywalkers when they get back.


6:45p

A Force-ghost?!?! What the fuck? Of Darth Vader? Hell, the fuck no. I am NOT sleeping here tonight!


Day 5- Last DAY!!!


1:00am

So I end up sleeping here anyway. I would’ve stayed at my best friend Sarah’s house but her boyfriend Gil was coming over. She mentioned something about strange sex and fancy muffins. I think I’m missing a trend or something. Anyways, I came on home. I would’ve stayed with my ex, but, I hate him so that’s out of the question. It’s okay. By this time tomorrow, I’m SO out of here! I received a notice from ‘The Captain and L’ (hee) telling me to be ready for extraction at midnight sharp later today/tomorrow. In another circumstance the use of the word ‘extraction’ may be an exaggeration. This circumstance? Not so much.

As soon as I walked in the door I’m hit with a powerful punch of new strange sex emanating from Luke and Mara’s bedroom of horror. Guess what’s she’s shouting now? Nope, not his name but: “YES!! PALPY!! PALPY!!! PAAAAAAALPYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Luke screams something I’m thankful I didn’t understand. There is not a dosage of Repressitol high enough for me to ever forget that. Another random thought just passed through my head: Why don’t they ever have any visitors? I mean, I know they’re friends with that smuggler guy, Talon Karrde and of course Luke is friends with General Antilles from way back. None of these people have come over in the almost five full days I’ve been here.

And it’s not like they’re offworld. I saw General Antilles and his wife Iella (I think she’s NRI Director or something cool like that) the other night when I was out at the Leafy Green. Then Mara mentioned a couple mornings ago that Talon and some lady named Shada Du’..whatever were in town doing something shady, as they are wont to do according to the Skywalkers. None of Luke's Jedi have ever come over. I think people are scared of these two.


5:00am

There’s nothing like starting a very early morning repressing sex with a steaming hot cup of Corellian kaf: one part kaf, three parts Whyren’s Reserve. I bought some more and two extra bottles for Captain Solo. I’m so glad I’m getting out of here before these folks drive me to alcoholism. No, I’m not a lush now. Believe me, I’m not even close to scraping the bottom of any barrel. Oh look, here come my friends! I just could never have a moment’s peace with those two around. Luke is running toward the door followed quickly by Mara. There’s something hanging on his pants and, oh my gods.

Apparently the Force-lightning got a little too out of control as I do believe li’l Luke has been a li’l charred. Hmm…I might have to buy another bottle for Captain Solo. So, who are they going to at this time of night? I’m guessing a Jedi healer but how are they going to explain…you know what. I’m just going to stop thinking about that. It’s not good for my health.


8:00am

Ben definitely knows something is going down. He is being absolutely inconsolable today! I went to pick him up and he latched onto me for dear, dear life. Poor kid.


12 noon

Twelve hours! Can I take it? Will I jump off a balcony before then? Artoo, trying to console me (what a sweetie), said that I’m not the first one this has happened to. What? I didn’t know the Skywalkers had an au pair before me. He said they did and the girl hasn’t been heard from since. Am I going to make it out of this apartment alive? Artoo said she’s not dead but that Captain Solo and Princess Leia will fill me in on that later. Well, shit. Shouldn’t there be a notice up somewhere saying, “Don’t work for these people!” with their holos next to the warning? That should be a public service announcement broadcast on all channels.

Oh and I found a nunnery for one of those religions. I think I’ll give them a call when I go back to Artesian for holiday break. Seriously, I’m at least swearing off sex for another eight months. After some heavy counseling.


3:00pm

I’m staring at the chrono and I swear to the gods of Artesian the second hand went back a couple seconds and then forward. Ben is hanging onto me like a frickin’ mynock. Crying. He’s running a slight fever too. I called Mara at the Jedi Temple, Headquarters thingy and she’s all, oh you don’t have to call me for ‘every little thing’. Yet that one time I missed a call that first day she came running over in a panic. She’s crazy. I finally get Ben to eat a little bit and drink some water and that seems to make him feel better. I continue to hold him as he falls asleep, still clinging to my shirt. I’d try to pry him off but he might take some of the shirt with him and, hey, this is a Melanani original. Not that I can afford it, but my ex bought it for me. Anyway, I take off the shirt and lay it and him on my bed while I pack.


8:00pm

Well shoot me in the eye and call me blind. Luke made dinner tonight. I was invited to dine with them and I figure, hey, it can’t get much worse than Mara’s cooking. Luke’s been walking strangely but I guess a burnt dick will do that to you. To tell you the truth, Luke isn’t a bad cook. I guess all those years of living as a bachelor paid off. He said he learned a thing or two from Captain Solo. I’m pretty sure one of them wasn’t the fine points of never-nude dressing. Mara jokes that Luke’s cooking is the reason why she keeps him around. Huh, yeah and the fact he’s just as bizarre as you. Whatever. I’m out of here in four hours.

10:00pm

Come on! Come on! Come on!

10:10pm

That’s it? Just ten after ten? Damnit!

10:32pm

Maybe I should go take a nap. I just heard Luke and Mara head upstairs for the night. I go out to tell Artoo to wake me up at 11:30. He says fine.

11:35pm

I didn’t go to sleep at all. I couldn’t. I’m too nervous. What if Artoo forgot to wake me up and Captain Solo and Princess Leia left without me? I think I’ve chewed on all my fingernails, they look horrible. I double check my room and the bathroom to make sure I have everything. I do. Sweet!

1:00am

I’M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gods…the air is fresher, oh sweet, sweet freedom! So, this is how it went down:

At midnight I’m standing at the door with Artoo. He keys it open and sure enough Captain Solo and Princess Leia are standing out there waiting for me. But damned if I didn’t get a clean break. Here come Luke and Mara. Shit!

Luke: Hey…what’s going on here?

Captain Solo is standing with his hand on the handle of his blaster and Princess Leia…sweet! She has a lightsaber! I didn’t know she was a Jedi. Oh, right. Back to the break out. Princess Leia tells me to get behind her. I do even though I’m a full eight inches taller than her.

Princess Leia: You and Mara really need to stop going through your au pairs like this.

Mara, looking at me: Is there a problem Misia?

Me, amazed: Is..is there a problem? Yes, Mara, there is a problem. You and your husband. You people need help!

Luke: Misia, I don’t understand where this is coming from.

Me: You’re kidding right.

Mara: Misia we need you here for Ben.

She makes a move toward where I’m standing trying to get past Captain Solo

Captain Solo: Get back, Red.

Mara: Oh, Han, really. Whatever she’s told you two…

Princess Leia: Actually, Mara, she hasn’t told us anything. Artoo sent us a message saying, “It’s happening again!”

Luke and Mara glare at Artoo who whistles an indignant curse to which Luke gasps in shock.

Luke: Artoo! Language!

Artoo whistles something back at his owner that I’m going to guess is probably “Fuck you” in droid as he trundles down the hallway. At this point Captain Solo is choking back a guffaw.

Princess Leia: Have you any idea the condition the last girl is in?

Mara: I thought she got an internship at the hospital.

Captain Solo: No, she’s IN the hospital.

Luke: We didn’t cause that.

Princess Leia: The poor girl is in a padded room repeating, “Husband mine!” until she passes out from exhaustion!

Mara, scoffs and says: That’s the only example?

Princess Leia: No, there’s also the young man who rambles around the Coruscant Underground wearing cut-off shorts and tiny blue briefs on top. Then there’s the young lady who was treated for dementia thinking a Force-ghost was stalking her…

Luke: Hey, I have no control on when Father or Ben decide to pop in.

Princess Leia: They don’t just pop in on me and Han.

Luke: Maybe they don’t like you and Han.

Princess Leia, rolls her eyes: Luke, honestly. They can be uninvited. And they don’t ‘pop in’ to my house because it’s not a spaceport for Force-ghosts! We’re constantly rescuing your au pairs and getting them to safety away from you two. Luckily for you, we’ve managed to keep this phenomenon out of the news media to save you both embarrassment because I could just imagine the job Coruscant Prime would do.

Mara: Misia, Luke and I have a healthy ‘alternative’ sexual relationship. As the daughter of two sexologists, surely I thought you’d understand…

Princess Leia: No. Polyamory is a healthy ‘alternative’. BDSM is a healthy ‘alternative’. Swinging is a healthy ‘alternative’. You two are freaks.

Both Luke and Mara put their hands on their hips, offended by Princess Leia’s comment. I can’t believe I just heard the former Chief of State reference polyamory, bdsm and swinging. Cool!

Me, nervously: Uh…can we go please? Every minute more I stay here I feel my sanity go down a notch.

*Luke makes a move to open his mouth to ask that I stay.*

Captain Solo: Don’t.

He points a finger at his brother-in-law and sister-in-law as the three of us back away and the door closes

So we’re heading to an apartment that Captain Solo and Leia set up for me. They ask that I call them by their first names. Sweetness. When we get there, I ask them to stay a while because the curiosity is just killing me. I prepare tea for Leia and I. I give Han his owed bottles of Whyren’s Reserve. He didn’t ask questions, just smiled and nodded.

Me: You really helped all of those au pairs out?

Leia, nods: The first one, Lecie, came to us once back when we still interacted with Luke and Mara more. She was in tears and shaking. Lecie told us what was going on and as much as I didn’t want to believe it… I could tell through the Force that she wasn’t lying. I don’t know where my brother got this weirdness…

Han: Daddy.

Leia: …but I’m worried about him.

Me: What about Mara?

Leia: Not so much.

Me: But I…she’s your sister-in-law.

Leia: And I’ve never liked her. I really didn’t want Luke to marry her. She’s crazy. Hell, she tried to kill him! It was so sudden, their engagement and marriage. At first I was just happy that he was going to be getting laid on a regular basis. Having a girl usually mellowed him out. Or at least Callista did.

Han: I still count the silverware whenever Mara had been over.

Me: Wow. I had no idea. I remember watching the wedding. Now I guess I know why you were crying.

Leia nods sadly then takes another sip of tea.

Me: Are you going to get Luke any help?

Leia: Ha! Are you kidding? Mister Jedi Master of the Universe? He honestly doesn’t think anything is wrong. I remember the first time I saw him never-nude. Back in the Rebellion days.

Han: It was funny back that time. It was right after the celebration after the Battle at Yavin. We were all running around like kitehawks with our heads cut off. Here comes Luke running down the hall wearing those same cut-offs he wears to this day with these bright yellow briefs over them, whoopin’ and hollerin’. I thought it was some strange Tatooine thing. You know, not wanting to get sand in places it doesn’t belong. *he sighs* But, nope. I asked Gavin Darklighter years later if he ever does that and he looked at me like I grew a second head. He coulda just said no.

Leia: Then when the twins and Anakin came along I told Luke to not go never-nude around them. I want my children to be as normal as possible. He took offense to that and holed up in the mountains.

Han: Yeah, then remember when Tionne asked us about this shortly after the praxeum opened?

Leia: Yes, I remember! Some exercise that required the students to go completely nude in some pool that’s in the Temple. And of course Luke didn’t because…

Me: Never-nude.

Leia: Right. Tionne thought it was unfair but I explained to her that this is naked to Luke.

Me: Can we back up for a minute? I don’t understand why Luke married Mara if she used to want to kill him.

Leia: I swear she’s using the dark side.

Me: She uses Force-lightning on Luke during sex.

Han and Leia both drop their cups. They take a while to recover while cleaning up the spills.

Han: This is a new development.

Leia: I swear she’s been sapping him of the Force.

Me: He seems to like it. I’m not even going to tell you what he screams out while she’s doing that. I wouldn’t wish that kind of nightmare on my worst enemy.

Han: Thanks, kid.

Leia: How do you know it’s Force-lightning?

Me: Well, one time Luke came downstairs into the kitchen after their…sex… and his hair was smoking. I thought she’d lit him ablaze but I didn’t smell sulfur. Then my confirmation came when they came downstairs the next night arguing over the aim of her Force-lightning which resulted in Luke’s bionic hand being damaged and Artoo had to fix it. Then last night they come rushing down the stairs and out the front door at some ungodly hour. I see something hanging on Luke’s never-nude cutoffs and I realize it was part of … *cough* Little Luke that had been charred.

I see Han cover his mouth in horror and disgust. I seriously thought the man was going to vomit all over the floor. Leia lifted her brows and her jaw dropped more than a little.

Han: That’s going to replace the whale in my nightmares.

Leia: I give up. He’s a grown man and he has to live his own life. I may not like it but…

Han: Finally! You’re seeing it my way! We’re going to get going Misia. We’ve taken up enough of your time.

I get up to give them both a heartfelt hug. Leia told me not to worry and that they won’t come after me. I told them I was worried about Ben. Han said they all are. They finally leave and I go to sleep in my new room. Hmm. No sounds of strange sex. I almost forgot what normalcy was.

Two weeks later…

9:00am

I like sleeping in late and not rising with the dawn. I turn on the holovid for the latest news and guess what the headline story was? A twenty-year-old young woman was seen running through the Imperial Palace screaming, “IT’S NOT RIGHT! IT’S NOT RIGHT!” She’s identified as the Skywalker’s au pair who allegedly returned home late one night and walked in on them going at it in the living room.


Oh. My. Gods.


Fin.