The Late Night Low Down Undead Blues

[disclaimer] This is a work of fiction. No challenge to existing copyrights
is meant, most notably whoever's got the rights to 'Re-Animator' the movie, and/or
whoever's got the rights to Lovecraft's canon. I think it's Chaosium these days.
Anyway, I'm not making money off this, and neither is anyone else. I'm only
in it for the amusement. [/disclaimer]

Author's Note: I figured someone should add a het story to this column, so here you
go. Humor-impaired people need not apply. I was always struck by the silly moments
in the movies rather than the bloody ones, anyway. #shrugs# Low on plot, high on snarkiness.
Enjoy. Or not. It's up to you.


The Late Night, Low Down, Undead Blues


          Herbert West did not believe in luck, and so he didn't bother thanking any lucky stars
when the opportunity to join the Miskatonic University medical college mid-term
presented itself. Nor did he believe in Fate, and therefore considered the meeting between
himself and Daniel Cain, and the finding of a house well-equipped to continue his research,
to be nothing more than a useful coincidence. But if there was a God, he had quite a few
complaints filed away about He, She, or Its so-called greatest creation that he would be
happy to bring up at the first available meeting.

          For instance, his assistant's incessant chatter about the minutiae of university life that
bore no relation to anything useful, and which interested West not a whit. Or his frail
constitution, which caused him to occasionally succumb to shock in the wake of their
more successful experiments. But worst of all was his dogged insistence on dating a
woman who, for having grown up in the environment of the university, showed no
intelligence beyond what was necessary to pick out clothes and order from expensive
restaurants, no real pastimes beyond gossip and snooping in other people's private matters,
and certainly no ambition beyond marrying Dan and settling down to a co-ordinatingly
decorated life at the country club with 2.4 children. And Daniel, talented but completely
unreliable when it came to women, allowed her to lead him around by the ring in his nose.
Or possibly one around his testicles. Being forced to conduct his experiments in secret
was frustrating enough; to have to lose valuable time and effort to his assistant's gossiping
and skirt-chasing was maddening.

          And now, just when he thought perhaps his assistant was ready to buckle down to
work, he'd come charging excitedly into the kitchen and brushed off West's attempts at
coaxing him down to the lab.

          West sighed. "Daniel, we are getting close to a breakthrough. We are wasting
valuable time."

          "Look, I'll help out tomorrow, I promise." It was at these times Cain's resemblance to
an eager Golden Retriever shone through most strongly. "But I've got a guest coming
tonight, so try not to scare her away, all right?"

          West raised an eyebrow. "My, my, Daniel, it's scarcely two days since Miss Armitage
left in a huff. You've found another compliant co-ed already?"

          "No, West, and Megan's just a little mad. She'll come around. Anyway, you know I've
been having trouble in my Ethics classes? I've been assigned a tutor. Check it out!"

          He produced a small slip of yellow paper from his folder and handed it to West, who
read the single line of information with a shrug.

          "Patricia O'Halloran. So?"

          "I've seen her around campus. She's bookish, but all right to look at. Anyway, you
know those librarian types. They seem cold at first, but they're wildcats in the sack. I
figure, if I'm going to be stuck with this tutoring thing, I may as well enjoy myself."

          "I was under the impression that you were engaged to Miss Halsey."

          "In case you don't remember, West- and you should considering it was half your fault
to begun with- when Megan left here she said she never wanted to see me again. Now I
figure that will last a couple of weeks, but in the meantime she can't get angry at me if I go
elsewhere for a little while."

          "Strange...I hadn't thought you to be the manipulative type."

          "Manipulative? Bullshit! It's the truth! Between Megan walking out on me, our
studies, and helping with your little science project in the basement, I'm stressed out the
gills! I just need something to take my mind off it all. And anyway, Megan will never
know. I mean, I'd never want to hurt her- I do love her, you know."

          "Of course you do, Daniel, " West replied flatly, "Now if you'd please excuse me, I
have work to do."

          Yes, if there were in fact a deity of any sort, He, She, or It would be getting a
strongly-worded letter.

          Patricia O'Halloran sighed and glanced again at the address card in her hand, relieved
that she had found the right house at last. Her directions had been sketchy enough
without adding distance into the equation. True, it was only a quarter-mile from the
campus, if one cut across the viaduct and walked on the train tracks. But the prospect of
hiking it several times a week in order to take on yet another tutoring job was not what
she would have chosen, had there been any choice in the matter. Miskatonic was far from
an inexpensive school, though, and her department far from sympathetic, and so here she
was, overworked and underpaid and in the middle of a thesis, tutoring three students and
about to add the fourth.

          'Maybe this one will at least have interesting questions.'

          Her knock was answered almost immediately and with disconcerting eagerness.

          "Patricia?"

          "Hallie, " she said firmly.

          "All right, Hallie. I'm Dan."

          "Well, Dan, I'm scheduled to be here four nights a week until your grades improve.
Dr. Bierce made it pretty clear that he thought you should be pulling an A in his and Dr.
Blackwood's classes. I guess he wants to see you finish the year out with honors."

          "Yeah, and he's too much of a tight-ass to let me slide."

          Hallie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Yes, well, it wouldn't be much of a degree if
they just handed it to you. So, let's get started. Can you show me what it is you're
working on?"

          "Sure, sure, come on in. Do you want some coffee?"

          "That'd be great, thanks."

          "Hey, if you can explain this stuff to me, I'll give you anything." Cain grinned and hit
the switch on the coffee maker.

          "The coffee will be fine, thanks."

          "Okay. So anyway, we're working on this stuff. The Decameron, or something."

          Hallie glanced down at the book on the table. "The Republic, you mean. The
Decameron's like the Canterbury Tales, only with the Black Plague."

          "Oh, right. Anyway, there's this thing about a man in a cave, and I realize it's a
metaphor for something, but-"

          Hallie restrained a deep sigh and dug in her backpack for her notes.

          The scent of coffee drew West up from the lab, as Cain had known it would. He had
never seen West eat, although the pile of empty TV dinner boxes next to the garbage
seemed to point towards him subsisting on something other than research, but he did go
through enough coffee to send a truck driver into cardiac arrest.

          True to form West turned up by the machine so fast it looked as though he had
appeared there. His eyes were fever-bright. Cain reflected that he had never seen West
sleep, either, but he guessed it had something to do with the coffee.

          "Is there enough to go around?"

          Cain handed him a mug from the counter. "Uh, yeah, Herbert, knock yourself out.
Hallie, this is my roommate, Herbert West."

          Hallie smiled. "Nice to meet you, Mr. West."

          "Likewise, Miss O'Halloran. What is your field of study?"

          "Philosophy."

          "Ah. Are you a masochist or an idiot?"

          Dan shouted, "West!" but Hallie only grinned.

          "Neither. I wanted to pay sixty thousand dollars for a degree that won't get me a job.
I suppose I just enjoy exercises in futility."

          "On a grand scale, apparently." And with that, West strode out of the kitchen.

          Dan stared after him for a moment. "Well, that's Herbert, " he mumbled finally, "He
hates everyone. Sorry about that."

          "Eh, don't worry about it. He's much more sociable than half my professors. Better
manners, too."

          "So, about the cave thing..."

          After an hour, Hallie was fairly certain that Cain now understood the "cave thing, " as
he continued to put it. They were about to begin on the next chapter when Cain excused
himself briefly, citing the coffee as a possible culprit. She was grateful for the break, and
was looking in the cupboard for a water glass when West appeared in the doorway.

          "Hey again, " she nodded, "Up for a refill?"

          He nodded back. "I anticipate a long night of research."

          "Lucky you. I anticipate a long night of explaining basic concepts to your roommate
over and over and over again."

            "Well, that's your job, is it not?" His voice was unsympathetic. Hallie supposed that if
she had to live with Cain, she'd likely be unsympathetic, too.

          "Sadly, it is. So, do you?"

          "Do I what? The glasses are in the next cabinet over, if that's what you're looking for."

          "Thanks. And, do you hate everyone? That's how I was introduced to you, and I must
admit to being curious."

          West rolled his eyes. "I do not hate everyone, Miss O'Halloran. I would hardly have
dedicated my life to studying medicine if I hated humanity. Rather, I am irritated and
disgusted by the way that most people squander their potential talents and spend their lives
in pursuit of momentary pleasures. There are so very few who develop the will and drive
for serious scientific work."

          "Well, not everyone can be scientists. We do need people to sweep floors and grow
food and make dishwashing detergent, after all. Can I ask what you're working on?"

          "I'm studying death."

          "Ah, " Hallie rinsed the glass under the tap before filling it. "Forgive me, but I didn't
realize that there was all that much to study. I assume it's more complicated than just, 'Oh
look, I think he's dead.' "

          "It is a little more complicated, yes. And, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my
research. I assume Daniel has mentioned that the basement is off-limits?"

          "He hadn't, but it's not my house, so I wouldn't have gone poking around anyway.
Thanks for the heads'-up, though."

          "You're welcome."