Bill and Ted's Excellent Orgasm!

Hey, it's Rina here. You may remember me from such fandoms as Murder By Numbers and The Lost Boys. Well, because The_Summoning_Dark requested it, here's a little something I wrote about Bill and Ted getting horny with each other. It's not supposed to be taken seriously. I mean, c'mon, how do you write a SERIOUS Bill and Ted fic?? They're goofballs. But totally loveable.

WARNING - if you have a problem with Bill and Ted slash, I'd politely advise you to fuck off right about now.

Everyone else, enjoy!


***

Title: Bill and Ted's Excellent Orgasm!
By: Rina
Rating: NC-17. For male/male sexual situations.
Disclaimer - Characters belong to the most esteemed actors Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter. Not me. I'm just playing with them. ;)
Warning: While I use the word "fag" in this fic, it's totally not derogatory towards gay men at all. I love gay men. I only use it because Bill and Ted say it in their movies and I'm trying to keep them halfway in character. So don't get mad at me! Get mad at Keanu and Alex for saying it first. Now on with the slash...

***

Bill: *is a small, lean, curly-haired blond pixie-boy with huge hazel eyes and naïve expression*
Ted: *is a dumbfounded gangly dude with shaggy black hair, olive skin and slightly Asian-looking brown eyes. Also substantially taller than Bill*
Scene: *bedroom*
Ted: *with video camera aimed at Bill’s tiny angelic figure* Okay, dude, it’s rolling!
Bill: *does exaggerated guitar strumming move while looking into lens* I’m Bill S. Preston Esquire!
Ted: Here, take this. *hands Bill the camera*
Bill: *focuses on Ted’s lanky frame*
Ted: *does same guitar move while announcing* And I’m Ted Theodore Logan!
Ted: And together we make up –
Bill: *puts camera on speaker, aimed at them both*
Bill and Ted: *yelling* WYLD STALLYNS! *thrash their guitars loudly and unmusically, head-banging and jumping around like maniacs*
Amps: *explode in shower of sparks*
Bill and Ted: *despondently* Not again!
Ted: *staring at destroyed amps* Bogus. We really gotta learn how to play, dude.
Bill: *glumly* I know, dude. That’s why we need Eddie Van Halen.
Both: *dump guitars and flop back on same bed, gazing at ceiling and wondering how to get Eddie Van Halen to teach them to play*
Ted: *still gazing at roof* Hey, Bill?
Bill: *hands folded over chest* What’s up, Ted?
Ted: Do you remember our most excellent adventure?
Bill: *giving look* Dude, it was only last week. Course I remember.
Ted: *in space-cadet tone* Oh yeah... *turns to Bill* Well, do you remember in the royal ugly dude’s castle when you thought I was killed?”
Bill: *warily* What about it, dude?
Ted: Do you remember how you knelt beside the suit of armour and you said, ‘Don’t be dead, dude,’ and you looked like you were gonna cry?
Bill: *mumbles embarrassedly* Shut up, Ted.
Ted: *not taking hint* Were you really gonna cry, Bill?
Bill: *blushing and scowling at same time* Shut UP, Ted!
Ted: You totally were, weren’t you?
Bill: *scoffing all macho-like* No way! As if. Anyway, you weren’t dead so shut your hole about it.
Ted: *not quitting relentless inquisition* Dude, what would you do if I WAS dead?
Bill: *drawling dryly* I wouldn’t be shedding tears, dude.
Ted: *persisting* But what would you do?
Bill: I dunno. *shrugs and fidgets with bracelets* If you prematurely shuffled off the mortal coil, that’d be most egregious. *admits* I guess I’d be totally bereft.
Ted: What? *in vacant bonehead way, face bemused at the unfamiliar word*
Bill: *explaining patiently* Bereft. It means like, totally lost.
Ted: You’d be lost without my most esteemed personage around?
Bill: *in ‘duh’ tone of voice* Well, yeah, dude. You’re like my most unrivalled buddy in the whole of the Milky Way. And Wyld Stallyns wouldn’t be Wyld Stallyns without you. *solemnly* We’re destined to create kick ass music together and bring about the most fortuitus harmonising of the planets and to be worshipped on a daily basis by robe-wearing future dudes. I’m not a triumphant and outstanding band all by myself.
Ted: *let down* So, you’d only miss me cuz of the band?
Bill: *protesting* No way, dude. I’d miss you cuz of YOU. *realises how sissy that sounds and avoids Ted’s stare, picking at nails*
Ted: *touched and flattered* Whoa. That’s heavy. *rolls over and peers at elf-like pal lying next to him* You know, Bill, I’d miss you too, dude, if you got most unfairly mown down by the Grim Reaper. That would be totally non-non-heinous times infinity. *gazes into distance worriedly* Who would I hang out with then?
Bill: *guessing* Nobody?
Ted: *props head up on one hand, turning very serious* But don’t ever die on me, dude. Okay? I forbid you to die, Bill. You’re not allowed to die unless I do. In fact, we’ll die together and go out in a most resplendent blaze of glory.
Bill: *coughs* Ted, my friend?
Ted: Yes, Bill my friend?
Bill: You’re totally touching me, dude.
Ted: *naively* What?
Bill: *points to where Ted’s hand is on his bare belly, under the cut off shirt, fingers absently caressing the smooth warm skin*
Ted: *eyes big* Whoa! How’d that get there? *pulls hand back*
Both: FAG! *eye each other and pretend to be offended even though they aren’t really*
Bill: *grins and shoves Ted playfully*
Ted: *reluctantly grins and shoves him back*
Bill: *ventures* You can do it again if you want, dude.
Ted: *densely* Do what, dude?
Bill: What you just did.
Ted: *frowning* What do you mean?
Bill: *patiently* Touch me, dude.
Ted: *shocked* But you’re a DUDE, dude!
Bill: *indifferently* So? You’re a dude too. And if memory serves me correctly, wasn’t it totally YOUR hand that was on my stomach like, less than a minute ago?
Ted: *goes red* It was a most unfortunate accident!
Bill: *shoots a glance at the bulge in the front of his jeans* Accident or not, look what you did, dude. You gave me a full-on major chubby. Least you could do is do something about it.
Ted: *arguing* Why do I have to do something about it? It’s your chubby, Bill.
Bill: *insists* Cuz you and your wandering fingers gave it to me, dickweed. It’d be most selfish of you not to fix it.
Ted: *suggests* Well, why don’t you go to the bathroom and you know...spank it thinking about Missy? That’ll take care of it.
Bill: *with horror* She’s my mom, dude!
Ted: That’s not how you were acting a week ago. Remember how you were looking down her top? Remember how her jugs were nearly falling out? *grins at his curly-haired bud*
Bill: *colours marginally* Shut up, Ted! I don’t even want to think about Miss – I mean, mom. *shakes head as if to dispel his attractive blonde stepmother’s image* Besides, I want YOU to take care of it. This is totally your fault, dude.
Ted: *trying to get out of it* But what about your princess babe, Joanna? She’s most capable of taking care of it for you.
Bill: Firstly, Joanna is totally pure and she wouldn’t even contemplate doing such an unchaste thing until we’re married. *counts off on fingers* Secondly, at this very moment, my princess babe is down at the mall with your princess babe, Ted. They won’t be back for a most unprecedented time. You know how they get with the credit cards Rufus gave them.
Ted: Oh yeah... *with mounting dismay* They could be HOURS.
Bill: *gravely* I don’t think I can wait that long, dude. If you don’t get rid of this *indicates to bulge* it’s totally gonna be painful. I’m gonna suffer most outrageously.
Ted: *apologetically* Sorry, dude. My hand must have a mind of its own. It must be evilly possessed or something. *squints at offending hand suspiciously, as if expecting it to lunge up and wrap around his own throat* I totally didn’t mean to do that to you, Bill.
Bill: *insists* Well, then totally fix it, Ted. *takes Ted’s evil hand and replaces on his stomach*
Ted: *uncertainly* Uh. Dude? *fingers paused above waistband of jeans where top of Bill’s boxer shorts is showing* What exactly do you want me to do?
Bill: *impatiently* Just...what you’d do to yourself if you were in this most urgent situation. Only on me.
Ted: *brown eyes most round* You mean I gotta...? *leaves rest unspoken*
Bill: Yeah, you gotta. *persuasively* Just pretend I’m you.
Ted: Okay. I can do that. *nods, psyching self up* That’s way easy. I do that all the time.
Bill: *almost growling* So do it, Ted!
Ted: *takes deep breath and flicks open button, unzipping Bill’s jeans. Gingerly pulls front of boxers down revealing thatch of golden curls much like the ones on Bill’s head. Pulls boxers down further* Whoa... *jaw drops*
Bill: *edgily* What? It’s not like you’ve never seen it before. You’ve totally seen me taking a leak at the school urinal, dude. And don’t act like you haven’t peeked!
Ted: Yeah, but I haven’t seen it like THIS. *stares fixatedly at Bill’s groin* Tis a most impressive un-flaccid flesh rocket!
Bill: *irritably* Looking at it is NOT gonna make it go down, Ted! *grabs Ted’s hand and forcibly places it on his erection*
Ted: *experimentally curls fingers around heated male length* Hey, it DOES feel like mine! *starts to move hand*
Bill: *huskily* Yeah, like that, dude. *watches Ted’s hand intently*
Ted: *sounding surprised* Dude, this is easy. Just like whacking myself! *gets into familiar rhythm, wrist pumping away*
Bill: Told you so, dude. *eyelids droop to half-mast*
Ted: *continuing chore, his mind wandering, as are his eyes. Sees black line on wall above bed. Squints* Hey Bill, there’s an army of ants marching most orderly on the wall!
Bill: *distractedly* Yeah?
Ted: Yeah! *follows ant-trail along wall, leaning down to peer underneath bed* Dude, you know that slice of pizza you lost the other night? The ants totally found it! They’re like, little ant detectives!
Bill: *scoldingly* Pay attention, dude! Less yapping, more slapping!
Ted: *sitting back up, resuming motion of hand* Sorry, Bill.
Bill: It’s okay, Ted. Just try not to get sidetracked. *sighs in bliss and tips blond head back on pillow*
Ted: *face a picture of absorbed concentration, brows drawn together over those almond-shaped brown eyes, fingers going up and down* Am I doing this right, dude?
Bill: *moans incoherently*
Ted: *takes that as a ‘yes’ and squeezes shaft so that clear drop of fluid forms on the tip of Bill’s dick*
Bill: *shudders and bites lip with little white teeth*
Ted: *slicks bead of pre-come around Bill’s tip with his thumb, making it all shiny*
Bill: *clutching Ted’s thigh and whimpering needily* Dude...dude, oh God, dude...
Ted’s dick: *SPROING*
Ted: *glancing at own crotch* Aw, dude, now you’ve given ME a chubby.
Bill: *reacting instinctively* C’mere, Ted. *pulls Ted closer, yanking sweater from around his waist*
Ted: *mildly startled* Dude, what are you-?
Bill: *drawing down front of Ted’s shorts so that Ted’s dick falls straight into his waiting hand*
Ted: *understanding* Ohh...
Bill: *starts tugging on it*
Ted: *eyes rolling back in rapture* Ohhhhh...
Both: *jack each other*
Ted: *overcome with most ecstatic feelings. Gets sudden rush of heart-felt affection. Impulsively leans down and clumsily presses his lips to Bill’s small, soft mouth*
Bill: *muffled* Mmm... *sinks free hand into Ted’s dark mane of hair*
Ted: *murmurs against Bill’s lips, scalp tingling* Mmm...that’s nice, dude... *runs fingers through Bill’s blond ringlets*
Bill: *unthinkingly pushes tongue into Ted’s hot, wet mouth, wanting more*
Ted: *reciprocates, groaning in throat*
Both: *entwine tongues deeply, hands busy at each other’s crotches*
Ted: *breaks kiss off and gazes fondly down at cute little buddy* I totally love you, Bill.
Bill: *hazel eyes all sleepy-looking with lust* I totally love you too, Ted. *coaxes* Faster, dude.
Ted’s hand: *up down up down up down*
Bill’s dick: *very happy*
Bill: Yeah, yeah! *raising hips to press further into Ted’s hand* Harder, dude!
Ted’s hand: *UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN*
Bill’s dick: * very VERY happy*
Bill: *uses Ted’s slippery fluid to lubricate his palm, the taller male’s dick gliding through his clenched fist like a greased piston*
Ted: *going insane with mind-blowing pleasure* Oh dude, the princess babes don’t know what they are missing out on. This is most spectacular!
Bill: Most agreed! *urgently* Don’t stop, dude. I’m totally getting close!
Ted: *jerks Bill with renewed vigour, sliding the satiny skin over his friend’s rock-solid shaft and back again, quicker and quicker*
Bill: *panting* Almost there, dude!
Ted: *breaking sweat* Ditto, dude!
Bill: *nearly pulling Ted’s dick right off with force and speed of lightning-fast hand*
Ted: *arm moving like a jackhammer, bicep bulging*
Bedroom: *fills with noise of grunting and rapidly slapping flesh*
Both: *bring each other to brink of climax*
Bill: *scrunching face up and tensing* Dude!
Ted: *gritting teeth* Duuude!
Both: *coming* DUUUUUDE!
Bill: *body stiff as a board, belly muscles ridged, face frozen*
Ted: *shuddering, eyes shut and mouth open in expression of sexual release*
Bill’s dick: *jetting creamy ribbons of fluid over own stomach and over Ted’s hand*
Ted’s dick: *surging warm white wetness onto the bed*
Bill: *relaxes and groans tiredly, orgasm over* Dude, if I actually smoked, I’d totally need one right now.
Ted: *breathing hard* What do I do with this? *peers at goo on own hand*
Bill: Here. *strips off shirt exposing pale skin of chest and dusky pink nipples. Passes shirt to Ted*
Ted: *wipes Bill’s cum onto shirt. Sees goo on Bill’s toned belly and cleans that up with it too, tossing soiled shirt onto floor* Thanks, Bill.
Bill: *dreamily* No problem, Ted.
Ted: That was hard work. I’m perspiring most abundantly! *peels off vest and t-shirt, displaying yummy tanned torso and stomach, sweat rolling down centre of chest*
Bill: *seeing Ted about to lie down* Dude, watch the wet spot!
Ted: Oh, right. *avoids cum-patch and collapses next to Bill, catching their breath*
Breath: *eventually caught*
Ted: *gets adorable confused look* Why did we just do that, Bill?
Bill: *stating confidently* Because we’re two most attractive and desirable specimens of the human male species. We totally couldn’t resist ourselves, that's why.
Ted: *lighting up* Of course! You’re totally smart, Bill!
Bill: *smugly* I totally know.
Both: *glance at each other*
Bill: *smiles lazily, cheeks all flushed* Not bad, Ted!
Ted: *beaming goofily* I know! We totally got ourselves off! Forget the prissy princess babes! You and ME should get married, Bill.
Bill: *still high on afterglow* Okay! *smile wilts* Wait. Dudes can’t GET married, Ted.
Ted: *face falls* Bogus. *face brightens* But after we marry the princesses, we can still do this, right?
Bill: Totally! *grins impishly*
Ted: Excellent!
Both: *do air guitar*
Ted: *gazing at roof* Hey, Bill?
Bill: *hands folded over chest* What’s up, Ted?
Ted: We really gotta learn how to play, dude.
Bill: *glumly* I know, dude. That’s why we need Eddie Van Halen...

END