PotC MST

The Captain and the Cabin Boy
by CreamLemon

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This story MSTs fanfiction that has been written badly on purpose. If you like the story and are interested in writing a badfic for it, feel free to email me at AlienEeeter@yahoo.com

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Jack woke in a the white room all alone. He had never seen such a place before. There was a white sofa and a white table, and a big white cabinet.

“This is hell, isn’t it?”

“That depends on how you look at it.” He spun around and came face to face with a short woman in a bright red men’s suit with matching tie and shirt. Her shoes were red, and her dark hair was slicked back and held in place by a headband with plastic horns attached to it. She stood casually with her hands in the pockets of her well tailored suit. “You are, after all, dead. But they aren’t.”

Jack was temporarily blinded by a flash of red light, and when he could see again Elizabeth, Will, and James Norrington were standing in front of the sofa looking very confused indeed. “Jack!” Elizabeth cried. “You’re not dead!”

“No thanks to you, pet.”

“We were just about to come rescue you,” Will said, equally amazed.

“I wasn’t,” Norrington said blandly. “What is this place?”

The devil woman smiled. “This is where things get very interesting. I have--” she pulled a handful of paper from the inside pocket of her jacket. “a gift.” She handed the papers to Norrington. “If the four of you read it, I might let you go. If you don’t, I’ll keep you forever, and I wont tell you where the rum is.” In another red flash, she was gone.

“Rum?” Jack asked, interested. “Well then, let’s get moving. Norrington why don’t you read from that thingy there. Lovely.” He settled down on the couch and patted the cushion on either side, beckoning to Elizabeth and Will. “Well come on then!”

Norrington sighed. After all, he could use a drink himself, being trapped with the three people he hated the most. He began to read:


>>>>The Captain and the Cabin Boy
By CreamLemon

ELIZABETH: Oh! Is this a story?

WILL: It appears so.

ELIZABETH: I love stories. It sounds like a fairy tail.

>>>>Captain Jack was, without any measure of doubt, the sexiest Pirate on the face of the earth.

JACK: No argument here.

>>>>> Never mind that he never showered, hadn’t brushed his hair since he was fifteen, and then there was the fact that his trousers were always crusty in the front, but that was beside the point. After all, he looked like Johnny Depp.

NORRINGTON: Oh yes, they’ve captured your essence perfectly. (Will sniggers)

JACK: Who's Johnny Depp?

>>>>> Elizabeth Swann was the most beautiful anorexic in the world. When she put on a corset she could span her entire waist with her hands.

ELIZABETH: Oh look! It says I’m pretty.

JACK: Do you know what an anorexic is, luv?

>>>>> She was also very brave and manly, and liked to dress in drag. She was good with a sword, and could only be defeated in a fight if someone waved a doughnut in her face. Then she would drop to her knees and burst into tears.

WILL: She’s not that good. Doesn’t have my amazing skills.

ELIZABETH: Oh, come off it. You’re just jealous because I’m pretty and talented. For a moment that devil woman had me worried, but this isn’t bad.

>>>>> Ever since she was a little girl she wanted to become a drag king and go be a pirate. She didn’t think about the fact that pirates killed people and didn’t shower.

NORRINGTON: It’s the 18th century. No one showers.

ELIZABETH: Don’t be ridiculous. I smell very pretty. And believe me, on a pirate ship it’s not easy.

>>>>>> She just knew that they got to wave their middle fingers at poufs like Norrington and her father, and she liked that, because she was a spoiled brat, and hated that she was born into high society.

ELIZABETH: Spoiled brat! I beg your pardon!

NORRINGTON: Pouf!

JACK: Can’t go disagreeing with that one, mate. C’mon, admit it. You *liked* prancing around in that pansy wig of yours.

>>>>> (Though I’m sure she would have hated it more to be born in a gutter on the streets of London, growing up without owning a pair of shoes and being forced into prostitution at age 12 to help pay her drunken father’s gambling debts.)

JACK: Me poor mum. (puts his hand over his heart) God bless her.

>>>>> So as soon as she was old enough she traded her corsets for a set of trousers and a hat and took off to join a pirate ship. That was were she met Captain Jack Sparrow.

JACK: Oh, good, we’re back to me again.

>>>> He was so drunk that he fell overboard as the ship was approaching the docks. His men knew this was for the best, so they didn’t try to go after him, but Elizabeth saw him go under and jumped in to rescue him.

JACK: Um, not quite how it happened. It’s missing the very important part of me stripping off her clothes.

WILL: Don’t make me shoot you. Where am I in this story anyway?

ELIZABETH: I think it’s about me and Jack.

WILL: I’m sure you just *love* that then, don’t you?

ELIZABETH: What’s that supposed to mean?

WILL: You know exactly what I mean. I--

NORRINGTON: That’s quite enough! May I read, Mr. Turner?

>>>>> Pulling him up onto the beach a la the Little Mermaid Elisabeth pushed aside the passed-out man’s dreadlocks (which reminded her of the hairballs her cat would leave for her at the foot of her bed) and gazed into his beautiful face. “I’ve never met a man who wore so much eye shadow,” she said to herself as his lashes fluttered open and he looked at her.

WILL: (turning to Jack) Why do you wear so much makeup?

JACK: Because pretty people can get away with anything. Right, Lizzy?

ELIZABETH: (nodding) He’s right. You’re just jealous because you’re not in the story and pretty like we are.

>>>>> He saw the youthful face and men’s clothing, and a very nice hat. “Boy. You saved my live. To thank you I will offer you a place as a cabin boy on my pirate ship.”

ELIZABETH: Yay! I get to be a pirate!

NORRINGTON: I can’t believe I ever wanted to marry you. (Elizabeth sticks her tongue out at him)

>>>>> “I’ve always wanted to be a pirate,” she told him, not correcting him about her sex. The crew, saddened that their insane captain did not perish, shook their heads at the poor boy he brought onboard. They always felt bad for the new cabin boys, because Captain Jack had a fetish, and liked to tie them to the wheel and bugger the shit out of them, and this one was exceptionally pretty.

NORRINGTON: Excuse me, I have to stop reading for a moment while I laugh hysterically.

(Jack scowls.)

>>>>>Elizabeth had fallen in love with the Captain, and kept glued to his side at all times, so

ELIZABETH: (finding Will glaring at her) What? It’s just a story.

>>>>that night it was easy for him to push her up against the wheel. “You’re the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen,” Jack told her. “You could stand to eat something, but besides that. . .” Captain Jack kissed her roughly, and though the wood of the wheel dug into her back, she didn’t care. Because if there was one thing she wanted more than to be a pirate, it was to fuck one.

WILL: I have to protest. Elizabeth is a lady, and I refuse to allow that she listen to this rubbish.

JACK: You mean you’re the lady. I love dirty stories.

NORRINGTON: May I be reminded that you think she’s a boy?

>>>> “Captain,” she gasped as he nibbled on her ear and made her squirm. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

>>>>> “Be a good boy and take down your trousers,” he told her, and hopelessly, she did as she asked.

WILL: Elizabeth! Cover your ears. You don’t have to listen to this filth.

ELIZABETH: You’re ordering me around? Who do you think you are exactly?

WILL: I *thought* I was your fiancee.

NORRINGTON: Yes, but don’t we all.

ELIZABETH: Don’t be bitter! You broke it off with me.

>>>>> “But captain, I--”

>>>> “Am I going to have to tie you to the wheel, boy?”

JACK: Ha ha! Yes! Bondage.

>>>>>> Elizabeth shut up, and let Jack bugger her. Halfway through the act went to give her a reach around and found nothing to grab onto. “You’re a woman!” he cried out.

WILL: This is horrifying.

NORRINGTON: I can’t disagree with you there.

>>>>> “Yes! Don’t stop!” She never knew being buggered by a smelly Pirate would turn her on so much.

JACK: I really like this story.

WILL: Shut up!

>>>>> But at the realization that his boy was a girl, Jack shriveled and pulled out. “Sorry luv. I don’t like women. We’ll let you off at the next port, savvy?”

(Will and Norrington both laugh)

ELIZABETH: You bastard! You weren’t going to finish what you started because I was a girl? Sexist pig!

JACK: It said you couldn’t do it for me. You weren’t enough to keep me up. Not my fault you’re a lousy shag.

WILL: That was uncalled for.

JACK: And what are you going to do about it?

>>>>>The End.

****

“Over so soon?” Elizabeth complained as Norrington set aside the papers. “I was just getting good.”

“Elizabeth,” Will cried, shocked.

“Will, you know very well how much I enjoy sexy things. Leave me be.”

Jack smiled at Elizabeth with appreciation. “You get more and more interesting every day.”

Will glared when Elizabeth and Jack smiled at each other. “All right, that’s enough!” He jumped off the sofa and pulled his sword on Jack.

“I don’t think so my pretties.” The devil woman reappeared. “I think I better collect all your weapons now, before someone gets hurt.”

“If I give you my sword, can we go home?” Will asked.

“Of course.” So Will, Jack, and Norrington all handed over their various swords, knives and pistols. Elizabeth was only carrying one small knife.

“No can we go?” she asked.

“Maybe tomorrow. After you’ve read another story.”