Pretending I don't love you

Authors note:
I meant to upload this (and a bunch of other KxK's) a loong time ago. Well...better late than never! If you want more, let me know!! ^__^

This text was greatly inspired by a fanvid called "The Hardest Thing". Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGrBMHojCho
I think the video was meant as a joke, but being teh KawadaxKiriyama obsessed fangirl that I am... I took it seriously. And it made me cry! So I decided: Let's write some tragedy!
I never ever want this to happen! And I swear, it was painful to write, but I like the way it turned out.
Keep in mind this has nothing to do with my other texts. So…Don’t kill me!

Just a short explanation: This is all taking place during the movie, (see the fanvid and understand sooo much better) but I altered a few things as I wrote. Kawada has been in the program before, Kazuo hasn’t. The two had a fight before ending up there.
If you’ve read the UTT-series (especially ‘Aftermath’) you understand Kazuo a bit better… But that’s the only relation to those texts.

Enjoy.

Pretending I don’t love you


I open my eyes, my neck hurts. The room is dark, but my eyes get used to it quickly.
Looking around I realize I’m in a classroom: A classroom where students are scattered about on the floor, all of them sleeping -no, drugged. All of them wearing steel-collars.
I know this scenario. I know what’s going on. I’ve seen this before. I’ve done this before.
My head feels heavy, my eyes slide shut, before I drift off to sleep again, I see you. They got you too…. Are you still mad? Am I just dreaming?

I dream, of our fight. Of how we screamed at each other, how I told you to get out. I dream of how we ended it, how we ignored each other. In my sleep I see your pain. I see how you suffer when I tell you I don’t love you. I see how your pain changes into anger when I tell you, and I feel my own pain, knowing I’m lying, knowing I’m only pretending. Because I do love you...

I wake again; the others are stirring, waking up. I’m drowsy, my head is pounding.
I shake off my weariness, sit up on a table, and as my eyes accustom to the darkness once again I see you. I see you clearly. You’re here. For real.
Why did they get you too? Why?
You’re turned away from me; you don’t know I’m awake. Are you still angry?
The lights are switched on, the teacher enters. I know this scenario.
He introduces us. We’re the transfers. We’re their new classmates, and enemies, yet they are told to treat us well.
The tape is played. I study their faces; Shock, fear, disbelief, anger. And then there’s you; No reaction. You’re chewing your gum, your face emotionless.
Now and then you throw a glance over your shoulder. You look at me. I can’t see it, but I feel it. I feel your dark eyes on my back, and I’m tempted to look at you, but I can’t make myself do it. The routine goes on.
We keep stealing glances at each other. Why?
He calls the names. A girl refuses to play the game; she tosses the bag back at the soldier.
I’m next. I run. I run, take the bag I’m offered, and dash down the hall.
That’s when they call your name. “Number six.” Are you just a number to them?
I make up my mind, I turn around. I walk back to the classroom and we crash in the doorway. You stare at me, I stare back. Your beautiful dark eyes… They are like the rest of your face; emotionless. At least to everyone else, they see you as cold, like you don’t care… I know you do. Your eyes, they are sad. I know my look is a bit too hard, but it lingers there, locked to yours.
I make up some lame excuse about wanting another bag, and I get a new one. Again we look at each other. You tilt your head slightly back. I send you one last glance, trying to read you. Are you still angry?
I know we’re dawdling; they don’t like that, so I turn around. I start walking down the hall, hearing your footsteps behind me.
You’re clutching your bag, holding it tightly, as if it was a child. What are you thinking of? Are you scared?
I swallow, hard. I pretend I don’t love you. It’s easier this way. What now? What’s going to happen to us?

I step outside. I start walking, and I stop, listening. Your steps are no longer behind me. You’re no longer following me. Where did you go?
I feel the worry creep up. It’s like the last time… Only this time… I might lose you. And no matter how much I pretend…I just can’t….Because I love you.

I walk in a daze. I’m scared. I’m not scared to die; I’m not scared of this fucking game. I’m scared for you. I don’t want to lose you. Not again.
My words are burning in my heart. All those things I said; I never meant any of it!
What were we fighting about?
Where are you?

Every time I hear a gunshot I flinch. Every time a report comes on my heart leap into my throat. Are you…? Will he announce that I have lost you forever this time?
And every time he signs off without mentioning your name. I’m relieved, but terrified. Where are you? I need to see you. I’m so desperate to find you.
Before it is too late… It might not be right, and it might not be meant to be… We might have been over for real this time…But I can’t let that happen. I can’t let you slip between my fingers. I can’t let you go…
We belong together. I need you. But you need me as well… You and I are two halves of a whole, and you need me, because as you said; I’m the only one who can understand you.

I search day and night. The time becomes short. Day three is approaching. Soon it will all be over…But I can’t let it end like this. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. I search for you…
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was looking you in the eyes, pretending I don’t love you. Do you know that?

I find you. I’ve found you!
I call out your name. Your eyes meet mine.
You’re leaned against the wall in the abandoned house. It’s dark, but I can still see you, I know that it’s you… That hair… that lean frame…
I kneel down next to you. We look at each other.
I pull you close, I hold you tightly. Your cheek is soft against my neck; your hair is tickling me. I whisper into your hair; “I never meant it… Any of it… I never… I love you…”
You choke back a sob. “I know.” You whisper.
I tell you how I searched, how scared I was. You give a weak smile. You tell me it’s going to be ok, trying to be strong.
You tell me that you found out they’d decided to drag me back here. You volunteered for the game, for my sake. You say; “I wanted to die with you if it came down to it. If I had to; by your hands, only to be with you to the end.”
You say you came to make up. You didn’t want it to be over this way either.
You and I… We need each other.
My hand touches your cheek. “I’ve missed you.” I whisper into your ear.
You tell me you came here so we wouldn’t have any regrets. Can you have regrets?
What does it matter?
Three little words escape your lips. “I love you.”
I am the only one that will ever hear these words from you. I am the only one who can make you feel like this. I am the only one who can make you feel. So how could I hurt you the way I did?

Lips ghost over each other in the darkness. You and I, we belong together. You came here for me… Now, we have so little time left…. Why didn’t we make up right away?
Why did we part outside the school?
You say you were scared. You were afraid I was still angry with you. As if I could ever be… You tell me you were afraid I didn’t love you.
When I tell you I never can stop loving you, you smile, tell me you know that too.
We kiss again. It’s ok now.
It’s all ok. Even in this nightmare we have found each other, and found what is really important in life.
Talk about bad timing.
At least you’re here with me. At least I know I love you.
“The hardest thing I ever had to do was pretending I didn’t love you…”
“I know. But let’s not worry about that…” your voice is soft. You’re whispering again.
I kiss you, but somehow your lips aren’t answering the way they used to. Somehow you seem….tired. Your look is dull.
Something is wrong!
I look at you. There is blood on your shirt. Blood….
Blood but no wound…
Who hurt you? Where is the wound?
My eyes fall to your arms. Your wrists are bleeding.
They are slashed open.
You did this to yourself. You did this because of me….
All this time; worrying about someone else taking you away from me, and then you do this to yourself. Why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t I search harder? So you wouldn’t have to do this to yourself…
I clasp my hands over your wrists, trying to stop the bleeding.
“Don’t die…” I whisper.
You don’t reply. I see your lip twitching slightly; you’re smiling. Smiling!
“Don’t smile!” I say. “Don’t leave me!”
“Thank you…” your voice is a low whisper, your lips touching mine. “…for finding me… for loving me…”
“I’m sorry!” I feel the first tear trailing down my cheek. “I’m sorry I hurt you!”
“Don’t apologize…”
“Don’t leave me…”
“I’ll never leave. I’ll always love you.”
“I’ll always love you too…”
You smile again, you hands pull away from mine, I wrap my arms around you. “I love you…”
“I came here to tell you…” you’re struggling to get the words out now. “That you’re everything to me… So that…If you were dying, I’d die with you. Even if you hated me…Although… You shouldn’t lie.”
“Don’t joke about this!”
“Sorry.”
You press your lips to mine. I kiss you back. My shirt is moist, stained with your blood and tears. Mine? Or yours?
Your kiss weakens. Your body grows limp
I shake all over. This is it… You’re being taken away from me.
I look into those deep eyes of yours, and I swear, I can see straight into your soul.
Your grip on my shirt tightens. You take a deep, ragged breath, and whisper; “Thank…you…”
I touch your soft lips with my own, and you use all of your strength to kiss me back.

Suddenly I don’t feel your kiss anymore.
Or…it’s not sudden. I knew it would happen. Your last breath is drawn…
Your lips are no longer pressed against mine, your clench on my shirt weakens, and I no longer feel your chest lowering and rising under me.
I open my eyes. Yours are still closed.
Panic takes a hold of me; I cry out your name; “Kazuo!”
You don’t respond. You never will respond. I will never hear your voice again.
I hold you close. I let my tears fall into your hair.
You’ve been taken away from me…
I will never see you again.
Looking down at your wrists I swallow. I can’t look at those cuts.
I take off my bandanna, rip it in half and tie one half around each of your wrists.

How long has it been?
How many hours have passed?
I’m still holding you, but I can’t cry anymore. I have no more tears left.
What’s that sound?
Is that an alarm clock?
No, it’s coming from…me?
The collar! Time is up…
This year’s game is finished. Survivors; none.
I couldn’t have lived on without you anyway…
The alarm grow more and more intense, it’s ringing in my ears.
I wish it would just stop.
It’s impossible to tell the bleeps apart now; it’s just an intense buzz.
This is it.
I touch my lips to yours one last time. You’re cold.
The sound grows and grows and grows.
Just as it stops, for a fraction of a second I can hear your voice; “Kawada-kun? Kawada-kun…I love you!”
It’s over, but it’s ok. Because we were together till the end.
I open my eyes, and smile, looking at you; lifeless but beautiful. It’s the last thing I see before everything fades to black.


***** Owari***