The Condensed Dark Crystal for Adults

Disclaimer: The Dark Crystal is a trademark of Jim Henson (Reat in Peace man). Oh, and remember, this is a parody/satire fic, meaning that it should not be taken seriously, because well, It's NOT a serious story. Enjoy!

****************


Aughra looked up at the three suns as they aligned in the sky. All
around her, machinery whirled and twirled.

"Shit," she said, caressing her inner thigh, "this can only lead to
trouble."

*****************

Jen looked up at the three suns as they aligned in the sky. From
behind him, his Mystic master thrust a bit deeper into the small
boy's ass.

"As the last of your kind, Jen, you should be happy that anyone at
all is taking a sexual interest in you," the Mystic said, caressing
his inner thigh.

How come I had to get the mincing boy hungry pedophile as my father
figure? Jen thought, caressing his inner thigh.

"I see you noticed that the suns are aligned," the Mystic said,
caressing his inner thigh. "You know what that means."

"Oh, god," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh. "Not trial by
bukkake again."

"No," said the Mystic, caressing his inner thigh. "It means it is
time for the Dark Crystal to be made whole once more. Remember the
prophecy, Jen."

When single shines the triple sun,
What was sundered and undone
Shall be whole, the two made one,
By Gelfling hand, or else by none.

"If that's not a sexual euphemism of some kind, then I'm a Hobbit,"
Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

"You must travel to the home of Aughra and retrieve the crystal
shard that was split off of the Dark Crystal one-thousand years
ago," the Mystic said, caressing his inner thigh. "Man, that was a
fucking wild party."

And with that, the Mystic blew his load into Jen's loose asshole,
fell over, and died.

********************

"The Emperor issss dead!" said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner
thigh. "You all know what that meanssss."

"TRIAL BY BUKKAKE!" Came the resounding cheer, everyone caressing
their inner thighs.

"Get the Podlingssss," said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner
thigh.

There was a shuffle of activity and a small and very frightened
looking Muppet was brought forth and tied to a stone in the center
of the room.

Everyone unzipped. The Podling's eyes went wide.

"Now now, little one," said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner
thigh. "There issss nothing to fear."

The Podling looked doubtful. A score of wrinkly scaly vulturely
black cocks over two feet long each advanced.

"Commenssse the Trial!" screamed the Chamberlain, caressing his
inner thigh.

Everyone began fapping. Within seconds the first Skeksis had blew
his load all over the Podling's face. It was followed by another,
and then another, and then the Podling lost count as he literally
began to drown in the torrent of semen splashing against his face.

When it was all over the Chamberlain looked down.

He had been the last to blow his load.

"Oh, no. It can't be," he said, caressing his inner thigh.

"You are hereby banisssshed from the Casssssstle!" said the Skeksis
who had been the first to blow his load, caressing his inner
thigh. "Sssstrip him down to his ragsssss!"

The Chamberlain tried to fight back but was quickly overpowered and
reduced to his undergarments. He walked out of the castle, dejected.

"Now," said the new Emperor, caressing his inner thigh. "It'sssss
time to do ssssssomething about that Aughra. Send the Garthim."

******************

Jen climbed up and over the last rock and saw the lab ahead. He
sighed, caressing his inner thigh.

"Well, I guess this is it."

He made his way inside.

Whirling machinery, planets spun above him.

"So you made it."

Jen looked up and saw Aughra caressing her inner thigh.

"So where's this shard?" Jen asked, caressing his inner thigh.

Aughra pointed to a huge collection of shards over by one wall.

"Oh, great," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh. "Which one is the
real one?"

"You'll have to play your flute to find out," Aughra said, caressing
her inner thigh.

"I don't have any flute," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

Zzzzip.

"Oh, jesus," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh. "Let me get this
straight. I'm supposed to "play" this old wrinkly dickgirl's "flute"
in order to find the real shard?"

Aughra looked impassive, caressing her inner thigh.

"Jesus. Let's just get this over with."

Jen got down on his knees and the 400 foot long girldick was thrust
in his face. Within seconds his tongue lashings had it coming all
over him, the walls, the ceilings, the machinery, the shards, and
his inner thigh.

"Look!" Aughra said, caressing her inner thigh. "The only shard my
girl-semen did not touch!"

Jen walked over and grabbed it. "So where's this Skeksis castle or
whatever?" he asked, caressing his inner thigh.

But he never got any answer, because right at that moment the
Garthim burst through the walls like his old master had burst
through Jen's virgin asshole the day he turned eight.

"Oh no!" said Jen, caressing his inner thigh.

"Oh yeah!" said Aughra, caressing her inner thigh as several Garthim
began to mount her, their insectile schlongs gleaming in the light
of the three suns.

Jen fled while the Garthim were distracted by their discovery of
Aughra's dick. "When were you going to tell us?" one asked, as Jen
slid down the cliff.

*****************

Jen woke up with a start. Something small and furry was licking his
face.

"Ahhhhh!" Jen exclaimed, caressing his inner thigh.

"Well, pardon me," came a well spoken British voice. "I only desired
to awaken you, young master. My name is Fizzgig."

"Who, what, where--" Jen wildly asked, caressing his inner thigh.

"I believe you fell asleep by this river, young chap. I could hardly
let you stay here alone. Some Garthim might come along and rape you.
So I took the liberty of awakening you. Good day." Fizzgig scampered
off.

"Wait!" Jen yelled, caressing his inner thigh. "Come back! Do you
know anything about the Dark Crystal! Or the Skeksis! Or their
castle!? Or anything at all about anal rashes and how to get rid of
them?!"

"No, he doesn't," said a soft voice from his side. "But I do."

A hand reached out and caressed his inner thigh.

Jen turned and beheld the most glorious sight his eyes had ever
beheld: A female Gelfling.

"Oh thank god," he said, caressing his inner thigh. "Now I can
finally get some pussy."

**********************

"My name is Kira and I've been raised by the Podlings and the
animals are my friends and--"

"Yes yes yes. That's all well and good," said Jen, caressing his
inner thigh. "But where is the goddamn Skeksis castle?"

Kira pointed.

"Thanks," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

"You won't get there alone!" Kira said, caressing her inner
thigh. "Let's spend the night in my village that will certainly not
be attacked and burned down in the opening scene of every Jrpg ever
made!"

"Ok," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

*******************

Sure enough, during the night the Garthim attacked and stole a bunch
of Podlings, set some shit on fire, and generally made a nuisance of
themselves.

"Let's hide out in those ancient ruins of our extinct race," Jen
said, caressing his inner thigh.

"I don't wanna," said Kira, caressing her inner thigh. "Bad things
happened there."

"I say, old chap, if you'll just follow me I can lead you and my
Mistress to safety away from these abominable Garthim."

"Fizzgig!" said Kira and Jen, caressing their inner thighs.

"Yes, yes, you can show your eternal gratitude later. For now let's
just get the bloody hell out of here, agreed?"

Jen and Kira nodded, caressing their inner thighs.

*************

"Man, if it wasn't for me, those Garthim would have never come to
your village and stolen a bunch of Podlings and raped you thirteen
times in a row before getting bored and wandering off!" Jen
exclaimed angrily, caressing his inner thigh. "I hate this shard and
this stupid quest!"

With an angry jerk Jen threw the shard away into the ruins.

"Yeah, it was pretty much all your fault," Kira said.

"I hate to interrupt, but I think there's a Skeksis over there,"
Fizzgig said.

"Oh shi-"

"Oh shi-"

"Oh ssssshi-"

Thighs.

"Let'ssss make peasssse, yessss?" asked the Chamberlain, caressing
his inner thigh.

"I say, I don't quite trust the chap," said Fizzgig.

"Yeah, fuck you man!" said Jen, caressing his inner thigh.

"Let's get out of here!" Kira said, caressing her inner thigh.

They both broke and ran, leaving the Chamberlain alone in the ruins.

"I onssssse wasssss a Chamberlain," he said, caressing his inner
thigh.

*******************

"These are my animal friends I was telling you about!" Kira said,
caressing her inner thigh. "They're called Landstriders! These two
are married and they have babies and a nice house with a white
picket fence and--"

"God damn do you ever shut the fuck up?" asked Jen, caressing his
inner thigh. "Let's mount up and get the fuck-- oh shit! I forgot
the shard!"

"I, uh, hate to intrude, but I believe you mean this?"

Jen looked down at Fizzgig. "Fizzgig! You're the best!" he said,
caressing his inner thigh.

"Yes, well," said Fizzgig, blushing. "I do try."

They mounted up.

"Hey, there hasn't been much sex in a while," Jen said, caressing
his inner thigh. "We probably should have blew that Skeksis or
something."

"Sometimes I let the Landstriders mount me!" Kira said, caressing
her inner thigh.

"That'll work," said Jen, caressing his inner thigh.

"My word," said Fizzgig.

*******************

"There it is," Kira said, caressing her inner thigh. "The Castle of
the Skeksis."

"Finally," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh. "I was getting tired
of riding this camel."

"I hate to interrupt, but there seems to be a huge army of Garthim
right behind us," said Fizzgig.

They turned. Sure enough.

"Oh, for the love of sweet bickering christ," Jen said, caressing
his inner thigh.

"The Landstriders will fight them!" said Kira, caressing her inner
thigh.

"Yeah, right. Like two camels with massive fucking dicks that you
somehow managed to take all of can fight off an entire army of
professional rape-bugs," Jen said, caressing his inner
thigh. "There's nothing else for it."

Jen unzipped.

Kira's eyes went wide.

"How come I don't have one of those?" she asked, caressing her inner
thigh.

"Because you're not a boy," Jen smirked, and blew his load all over
everything, washing the Garthim away in a flood of semen.

*****************

"Are you sure this entrance isn't guarded?" asked Jen, caressing his
inner thigh.

"I can't say for sure, but my animal friends told me that--"

"Oh, your animal friends told you this entrance wasn't guarded. I
feel safer already."

"Hey," said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner thigh.

"It's you!" Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

"How are you gentl-- fuck you. Look, I'm gonna throw you into a wall
now for trying to put Zero Wing erotic fan fiction into thissssss."

"No! I love him!" said Kira, caressing his inner thigh.

"And then we're going to bukkake your girlfriend!" The Chamberlain
said, caressing his inner thigh.

"!Vader," said Jen, caressing his inner thigh.

"Cute," said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner thigh. "An IRsssse
injoke with pop-culture referensssessss. I'm really gonna throw you
fucking hard."

"But firssssst," the Chamberlain said, caressing his inner
thigh. "Blow me."

"With pleasure," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh and getting
down on his knees.

******************

"I say, that looks like a rather nasty bump on the head all that
falling rock gave you," said Fizzgig.

"Thanks for digging me out, Fizzgig," said Jen, caressing his inner
thigh.

"They took my Mistress to the Chamber of the Dark Crystal. I think
they mean to bukkake her and then drain her life force or something.
You will save her, won't you?"

"Yeah sure whatever," Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

*****************

Aughra bucked up against the Garthim that was inside her. "Sweet
Christ this one is small! Isn't there any Garthim left who have
dicks longer than a fucking Kraken?"

Kira was brought into the room.

"Hey, I can do girls too, you know," Aughra told her, caressing her
inner thigh.

Kira's eyes went wide. The Dark Crystal was raised up and all the
Skeksis surrounded her. They began to jerk off and soon rivers of
fresh semen flooded the entire room.

"My animal friends will save me!" Kira said, caressing her inner
thigh.

And save her they did. Barking, clawing, raping, jerking, fapping,
they broke free of their cages and began to rape Kira in every hole.

"Dissssgussssting," said one Skeksis.

"Indessssent!" said another.

"I never could understand the appeal of beasssstiality," said a
third.

Muttering and shaking their heads, the Skeksis left the room.

****************

And so Jen was reunited with his last hope for reproduction.

"I missed you so!" said Kira, caressing her inner thigh and shaking
off one last clinging critter from her leg.

"Hey is that the Dark Crystal thingy?" asked Jen, caressing his
inner thigh.

"Yep," said Kira, caressing her inner thigh.

"Then I'm gonna thrust this shard into it's hole like that
Landstrider thrust it's huge member into your welcoming orifice,"
Jen said, caressing his inner thigh.

He poised at the edge and jumped. But as he landed he lost his grip
on the shard and it flew down to Kira's feet.

"Little help?" asked Jen, caressing his inner thigh.

Kira bent down to pick it up.

"Not sssso fassst!" said the Chamberlain, caressing his inner thigh.

Kira threw the shard just as the Chamberlain's pointy member
penetrated Kira's welcoming orifice for the last time. Kira slumped
over, filled to beyond capacity with Skeksis semen.

Jen shrugged, caressed his inner thigh, and JAMMED IT IN!!!

Just then all the Mystics showed up and began having a huge orgy
with the Skeksis.

Jen looked around. "That's it?"

Fizzgig was nosing Kira. "I must say, this has been quite an
adventure."

"Man, the last fucking female Gelfling is dead," Jen said. He
couldn't even bring himself to caress his inner thigh. "Let's go,
Fizzgig. I've got this Podling whore back in town named Nancy who I
think has a crush on me."

He carefully picked his way around the writhing Mystics and Skeksis
on the floor, making sure not to step on any.

After he left, the Chamberlain accidentally chipped off a piece of
the Crystal in a flail of passion. The orgy immediately ceased.

"Oh, man!" said a Skeksis, caressing his inner thigh. "You know what
this means."

The Chamberlain lowered his head and got down on his knees.

THE END