LOVE LETTERS

Title: LOVE LETTERS
Author: dmcintoshtx@yahoo.com
Fandom: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not me.
Summary: Jack and Ennis decide to write and tell each other how they feel.


Two lonely men sat and watched TV. One in his little trailer in Riverton, Wyoming; stretched out on the bed, cigarette in one hand the other balancing a bottle of beer on his stomach. The other in Childress, Texas sitting behind a fine oak desk, feet propped up on an open drawer, cigarette on one hand, the other, finely manicured fingers drummed on the desk top.
“Tonight’s show is one of our absolute best and we’ve received more calls and letters about this episode than any other since our show began 4 years ago. It’s the story we’re calling “Love Letters”. This show demonstrates the pure power of love and how it changes lives.”
One hour later:
Riverton, Wyoming
“What a bunch of shit! I can’t believe I wasted a full hour of my time watching that crap! As if some writin on a piece of paper could make all that difference.”
Ennis got up and got another bottle of beer, uncapped it and took a long drink. “They didn’t even mail the damn fool letters! What’s the point of writin ‘em if they ain’t gonna mail ‘em?” He sat down in his old leather recliner and pulled the lever lifting the footrest up.
“Stupid fucking show!” He took one last puff on his cigarette and stubbed it out in the overflowing ashtray.
He went in and took a shower, bringing himself off thinking of his Jack. He got into bed and thought about the show he’d just seen. He thought about writing a letter to Jack but decided it was a stupid idea and turned over and tried to sleep. He tried for nearly 2 hours then got up, turned the light on and dug around until he found a tablet and pencil. He sat down to write.
“Dear Jack,
I just seen this TV show ‘bout writin people you care ‘bout and thought, since I can’t sleep, I’d give it a try. I ani’t no good at this writing but here goes, anyway.
Always did want to tell you stuff, but we never did that. Talkin bout such things, I mean. Just cause we didn’t talk ‘bout it tho, don’t mean it wasn’t there or it wasn’t real.
I never did have a friend before you came along. You was a buddy, a friend and....more. Don’t know that there’s a name for what you are to me but it’s good. It was the best I ever felt when we was up there on that mountain that summer. Wasn’t nothin like it before or since then. Never will be.
We each got on with our lives and I thought that would be the end of it but you sent me that postcard and all them feelins come out again and I was lost in thoughts of you. Couldn’t wait to see you again and feel your arms ‘round me holdin me. I waited all that day lookin out the window. When you finally showed, I nearly flew down those steps to get to you. Can’t say how good it felt holdin you again, kissin you, bein kissed by you. I swear to God, Jack. I nearly come in my pants just kissin you there on those stairs. Didn’t think we’d make it to that motel but we did. We nearly wore that matress out, didn’t we? That was just the beginnin of it all. Each time we were together it was better and better and I nearly died in between times, waiting for the days and weeks and months to pass.
Something happened to me along the way, Jack. I think it happened to you too. Somethin that’s hard to describe or even talk ‘bout. The more we are together; the more we want. Never can get enough of bein with each other. It’s like a sickness inside me and the only cure was being with you. That’s the only time I feel ‘cured’. Like I was whole. Complete.
This thing between us, I guess its love. You sure do hear lots about that love stuff on TV and in songs on the radio but I never was sure what it meant till you and me got together. I guess it means you wanna be with someone so bad that nothing and no one else matters. You do crazy things and take crazy chances just to be together. I’d do anythin to change things, Bud. I hope you know that. If it wasn’t so dangerous; we could be together more. I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anythin, but I don’t wanna be dead and I don’t want you to be dead either. Couldn’t take that; knowin this thing between us got one of us killed. I know all that don’t seem to worry you none. Guess things must be different in Texas.
I sure do miss you though. It makes me wonder sometimes, if we could just figure some way to do what you want. The cow and calf place, I mean. If we could do that and be safe and not have to worry ‘bout bein drug out of our bed some night and beat to death, if we could do that, well I guess that would just be heaven. Workin with you durin the day and sleepin with you every night and wakin up next to you every mornin. I guess that’s all just a beautiful dream. Sure do wish we could find some way to make it come true. Maybe if we found a place way out in the country somewhere. Away from everything and everybody. We could get a coupla guard dogs to keep an eye on things at night. We’d have to get some guns to keep by the bed. We argued the last time you was up here and said some awful things to each other. Surely do hope you didn’t mean what you said ‘bout wantin to quit me. I didn’t mean none of the mean stuff I said. I was just worried and hurtin and sad and scared. All them things you bring out in me. You make me want things I never figured to have in my life. A place of our own; someone to love me.
I like writin that word. It’s hard to say but easy to write. I do love you Jack. I hope you know that. When you come up in November, we’ll talk ‘bout this stuff. The stuff we usually just talk ‘round and never say. I got lots of things I want to say to you. Most of all, I want to say ‘I love you’. I wanna hear how it sounds. I wanna see the look on your face when I say it. I love you. Maybe we can do some serious talkin about this cow/calf place. By November when you come up, my child support payments will be done. Junior’s moving with her new husband to Cheyenne and Jenny’s goin to Casper to nursin school this summer. By fall, there will be nothin to keep me here in Riverton.
It’s time, Bud. Time for us to do some serious talkin; and sayin things to each other. I miss you so much right now. I wish you was here so I could show you. I’ll just have to wait till I see you again. Until then, Jack Twist, I love you. I love you. Don’t know whether I’ll have the guts to mail this or not but those people on the TV was right. I do feel better for the writin of it.
Ennis”
One hour later:
Childress, Texas
“Yeah, right! Like a fuckin letter is going to make a difference!” Jack switched off the TV and went to his bedroom. He checked on Bobby on the way and found him sound asleep. Lureen kept her door locked and there was no light coming from under it so he assumed she was asleep as well. He didn’t try her door. She was a light sleeper and hated being disturbed.
He got ready for bed and laid there thinking. Maybe he should try it, writing a letter to Ennis. What could it hurt? What did he have to lose?
He sat down at his desk and pulled out some stationery. Bluebonnets across the top with:” From the desk of Jack Twist” printed under them, found his new pen Bobby gave him for Father’s day and began writing.
Dear Ennis,
I’ve been sittin here all night thinkin ‘bout you. Wishin I was up there and the two of us were all cozy like snuggled up in a tent somewhere.
I saw this TV show tonight about writing letters to people you care about and tellin them how you feel ‘bout them. It was a really stupid show but I didn’t have anything better to do. They showed five different instances where letters made a big difference in people’s lives. So like an ass, here I am writing to the only person in the world that matters to me.
I always wanted to tell you that but was afraid you’d bolt and never wanna be with me again. I just couldn’t risk that. But this is a letter and I’ll probably never even send it so I can just say what I want. What I’ve wanted to say to you since we were up on that mountain back in ‘63.
I love you Ennis. More than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I want you to know right off, that I’ve never said that to another livin soul except for my Momma and Bobby, but that’s different. Everytime we’ve been together, from that first night on, I’ve wanted to say those words to you; wondered if you’d say them back. Scared you wouldn’t.
It’s been 20 years now, Ennis. I thought at first, that this thing between us would die off; go away but it didn’t. It just kept growin and growin till I’m totally consumed by it. It’s all I think about, all I care about. Nothin else and no one else matters. I day-dream ‘bout it every day, thinkin what it would be like, the two of us livin together. I just wish I could convince you that it would be worth tryin.
I know you’re afraid cause of what happened to your neighbor back home and that was a terrible, terrible thing for a kid to see and hear about. I could give your daddy a swift kick in the ass for exposin you to something like that.
Sure, there are people out there that feel that way about our kind but there are also a lot of really good people in the world, Ennis, and I think we really could make a go of a little place of our own. I’ve got money saved up now, enough for that down payment and a few years running if we’re careful. If you’re still worried about people ‘round there we could go somewhere else. Maybe Montana or anywhere else that you’d feel safe. I’d go anywhere with you, anywhere at all. We could at least try it, couldn’t we? If you were too uncomfortable with it all, you could always go back to what you’re doin now, hirin out as a ranch hand. Don’t you think it would be worth the risk? I sure do.
I wish I could get across to you, how much you mean to me, how much I miss you and need to be with you. Think about it, Ennis. The two of us together, every day and every night; sleeping in a bed in a house; our own place. It’s all I dream about. All I’ve ever wanted since we first met. You and me together.
I know we said some terrible things to each other last time I was up there. I sure hope you know I didn’t mean them. I don’t think you did either. We was just hurtin ‘cause we had to say ‘goodbye’ again. That’s always the worst time for us, isn’t it; the good-bye times. It just tears me in two each time ‘cause my heart won’t let me forget how much it needs you. We belong together, Ennis. We were perfect for each other from the beginning. I never should have driven away from you that day and let you go off and marry Alma and I sure as hell shouldn’t have married Lureen; but she was sweet and rich and I was lonely and starvin, and you were married.
I took your shirt, Ennis. The one you got all bloodied up on the mountain. You thought you left it but I grabbed it when you was cleaning up and stuffed it in my bag. I still have it. It’s hangin in the back of my closet up in Lightning Flat. Your shirt, with my shirt over it. It was almost like havin my arms ‘round you. I held on to them all these years and I take them out and look at them every time I go up to see the folks. They are in a safe place. I told Momma ‘bout them and she’s keepin an eye on them for me. She knows all about you and how much I love you. She wants to meet you. I told her one day, I’d bring you up there. Maybe we could do a little work on the place and help the old man out. He’s gettin on and been lettin some things slide that need takin care of. The two of us could whip that place into shape in no time.
I guess I’m just dreamin again, but it’s all I think about. You and me on a place of our own. You know, when the old man goes, that place will be mine. It’s somethin to think ‘bout. It’s way the hell out in the middle of nowhere but folks are pretty friendly; mind their own business.
We could build us a little cabin up there; out in the back away from the main house.
Just think ‘bout it, Ennis, is all I’m askin. I’ll close now but I want to say the words again. I love you. It feels so good to say them. I’m going to say them to you in November when I come up. See if they might make a difference to you. Maybe show you that some risks are worth takin.
See you in November.
Jack

They each stuffed the letters in envelopes and addressed them. They would decide tomorrow whether to mail them or not. Now it was time for sleep.
They both slept well and with the morning came the decision already made to mail the letters. The US Post Office had them now.
Ten days later Ennis returned from a round up and stopped to pick up
his mail. He sorted through it as he walked back to his truck. Most
of it was junk mail, except for two letters. One with a sprinkling of
bluebonnets across the bottom, the other a post card in his own handwriting with
big red letters across reading D E C E A S E D. “ooooohhhhh”
The End