A Letter from Jack, to Will

To Will Turner,
Flying Dutchman,
Somewhere underwater


Hello Will me lad,

I thought about things and found out that we’re all bloody stupid. I had a lot of time for thinking, lately, since my ship is, once more, gone. How could I know that Barbossa, the dog, would steal it as soon as I leave him alone with it and go after the ladies? I mean, he has never stolen it from me before, after all – no, wait. He has. Damn. What was I thinking?

Well, I thought about you being cursed and on the Flying Dutchman now (you have a ship and I don’t, crap!), and I came to the conclusion that your dad maybe was a bit hasty about cutting out yer heart. I mean, nobody said you have to cut it out to get the job, right? Just because old Jonesy did it, you didn’t have to. So you had better go and get it back and put it in place.

Not like you seem to miss it, though! You must be a real wonderboy, making love to your old woman even without a heart! (It’s also gross, with you being obviously dead and all that, but let’s forget that for the moment.) Where did you get the passion to knock her up without being able to feel? Oh well, cutting out his heart didn’t do Jones any good either, because he was still pining after his old lady, right? Oh, and she twisted him ‘round her little finger, good and proper. Seems like the whole cutting-out-hearts-business isn’t working as good as it ought to be!

Well, now that you knocked her up, you might as well go back to her, savvy? Remember old tentacle-face standing on dry land in a bucket of water? Well, you can go and live with yer bonny lass forever happily ever after if you only put sea water in yer boots! You have to sleep in boots, too, of course, or you can get a water bed. They’re said to be very bouncy too, hehe, knowwhaddamean?

So, yeah, you’re a decent lad and you have to take care of her now, with her family being dead and her being an unmarried mom. Unmarried insofar as lacking a husband, and there are no papers to give a clue who’s to blame for the belly. There’s people who tend to get bitchy about that, you know how it is.

All this thinking business tends to put yer nose on more and more questions. Somehow, I know I ended up in the stomach of the kraken beastie, and then all of a sudden I’m in a white place. Is that what happens to all the fish that get eaten by the kraken, and why aren’t they in the white place? There should have been fish galore.

So, thinking is what I mostly do these days, but it’s not all that bad, because my boat has such a pretty flag. With a skull with a bandanna and trinkets, just like me. How convenient that I had this little flag in my pocket! I never had one of those before! Coming to think of it, I never got it in the first place. Funny how it popped up out of nowhere. Or maybe I made it, on the way, out of a piece of rope and some jellyfish slime, but I don’t remember now!

Although, yeah, I lost one of these trinkets, because we had to conjure up that silly bitch Calypso. Why did we, by the way? I mean, what did we think she’d do, go and sink the Trading Company ships? If she were the kind to go off on every ship she can find and kill all the crew, she would have killed all pirates long ago! I liked the voodoo auntie better, anyway. She had nice biiiiiiiiig boobs in the end, right before she went all crabs. Though…. Now I’m starting to wonder why she bedded me, knowing that me or my predecessor pirate lord locked her up in a human body. All this thinking isn’t good for my head… I need more rum… but it’s gone…

Hope to see you as soon as you come back. We did it before, you know how to do it, savvy?

Hugs and kisses, Jack.
PS:Bring rum.