Eve of Gaugamela

Disclaimer: I am in no way implying anything to be truthful in this work of fiction. I am not a representative of the celebrities that are mentioned within this story. I do not profit from this.


Eve before the battle at Gaugamela....

I'm so tense.
My entire body's been tense for hours.
I need release. But I can't have it - and besides - I just sent away the one person who'd be able to give it to me.
I wish I hadn't let him go. Hephaistion.... I wish I could send someone to call him back. But I can't.
I need to be tense. I need to wake up tense in the morning - not relaxed in the arms of another relaxed body that needs to be tense, too.
I thought.... oh what the hell; - I think too much sometimes.
He wanted to stay. Waiting for me to ask him inside the tent with me.
That look in his eyes.....
Not begging - no, Hephaistion would never beg me of anything.
Always waiting. Always there. Always close at hand. Never requesting. Except by his eyes.
Those eyes. They make me quiver and tremble. His eyes. The way he looks at me.
He loves me so. And I love him.
He would do anything for me. Anything. Anytime. Would I do the same? I'd die for him in a flash - but what else would I do?
He would make any sacrifice for me. Any at all.
Would I sacrifice anything for him in return?
That's a question I don't want to reflect upon. Why? I guess I fear my own answer.

As darkness fell upon us tonight; the urge came over me to pray for my men . They're afraid. Of course they are.
They don't show it and they don't speak it - but they all believe we're facing defeat tomorrow.
I know better. I know we will leave this upcoming battle victorious.
And despite their fear; they will be ready, heads high, proud and glorious - ready to fight - ready to die for me. Each and every one of them. And we will not fail.
Darius. Darius. It will be he to face the end.

My men.
I never questioned anyone's reciprocal loyalty before. Tonight I have my doubts.
He would give his life and blood for any of them - for each of them - as he would for me. That's the nobility of his nature.
Would they do the same for him? In the end - if it came to that - would they die for Hephaistion?
Most would, of course. Without thinking. Without blinking.
But if they die for him; it will be of loyalty to me - not to him. They all have unlimited faith in his skills as a warrior - as a general - as a soldier. But,- so many don't like him. So many despice him. Why so?

Some even hate him. Cleitus. Cassander. Yes, they hate him. But they're hippocrates to their bones. I've seen the way they look at him. Especially Cleitus. Oh, I know how he desires my Hephaistion - he wants him but can't have him, - and it's killing him.
I trust Cleitus without hesitations - but as long as he desires what's mine, I have to keep a close eye.
Cleitus hates Hephaistion.
Cleitus wants Hephaistion.
Cleitus would kill Hephaistion if he got the chance.
Cleitus would die for Hephaistion - of loyalty to him - not to me.
Isn't life ambivalent?

Phobos seemed the right God to turn to for support.
That's when he sought me out. I felt his presence long before he said a word. With my back turned, every fiber of my body told me he was there. He waited. Didn't disturb my prayers. Kept his distance. Then he finally spoke - and as the vibrations of his soft voice reached me with the wind it sent familiar shudders down my spine.

"To whom do you pray?" he asked.
"Phobos!", I said.
A few seconds of hestitation followed and I guess he wondered about my reasonings.
"Fear?" The question was obviously retorical but yet he sounded surprised, and drew his own conclusions by saying: "Bad omen!"
"More so for Darius!", I nodded; and took a few steps backwards while keeping my back turned to him.

From the moment I'd felt his presence, a sense of lust had come over me, along with a deep feeling of protectiveness towards him.
I had to get myself a bit together before facing him.

How beautiful he is. So beautiful. So perfect in every way. Once again it hit me straight in the chest how beautifully perfect he is.

As I started slowly walking, he followed, and finally I returned his gaze. He seemed thoughtful and somewhat concerned, and in his eyes lingered the unspoken question which I decided to answer.
"I've come to believe that the fear of Death drives all men, Hephaistion!", I began. "This we didn't learn as schoolboys. It's the cause of all our misfortunes!".

The night was chill and clear. As the night before - and the night before that.

Side by side we strolled through the dark of our camp - here and there enlightened by fires, surrounded by men either cooking their meat, warming themselves, or just sat and talked.
Reaching Crateros and his company, I enquiered him if they were all about ready and eager about tomorrow.
Brave Crateros. Nothing ever disconcerts him.
"Ah, it's been too long coming, if you ask me. My men are skittish as colts!" he smirked.
I told him that's good. That fear make men fight better. And I know he agrees.
Encouraging them all by making promises of great wealth after defeating Darius, they responded by making me counterpromises to stain the grounds with Persian blood. And they will keep their promise.

Hephaistion and I continued our little walk and as we couldn't be heard by anyone, he hesitated no longer, but spoke what was on his mind.
He tried to warn me. Picking his words very carefully. Trying so gently to remind me of the fact that Darius' army is so much bigger than mine. Too big. He wants me to wait. To retreat. Retreat before the attack even begins. No, he didn't use those words. He never would.

Instead he said: "I've always believed - Alexander..... but, - this seems so much bigger than us!"
I couldn't help but smile. Hephaistion being as diplomatic as only Hephaistion can be.

Facing him, I once again turned to the use of analogy of our long gone ancestors. I thought it might be of comfort to him - remind him of our strength and our close bonds - between them and us - as well as between him and me.

"Did Patroclus doubt Achilles when they stood side by side at the seat of Troy?", I jokingly mocked.
Approaching my quaters as we walked; he leaned in and smiled; and his sweet, hot breath washed over my neck.
"Patroclus died first!", he smirked.

But though he was smiling, I caught the meaning of his words..
Yes, - Patroclus died first. Although Hephaistion was partly joking, too - he was right none the less.
And suddenly it stroke me. My chest tightened. I can't bear to lose him. Anyone else. But not him. Not him.

He needed my reassurance - and I gave it to him instantly. I knew exactly what he needed to hear - what I needed to say.
Life without Hephaistion is not an option and my words came straight from the heart.

"If you do..... "I said; and made sure his eyes were locked on mine so that he wouldn't miss the sincerity and perfectly honest contents of my promise. "....if you were to fall, Hephaistion...... - even if Macedonia were to lose a King......- I'll avenge you and follow you down to the House of Death!"

"I would do the same!" His reply was instant and a lump formed in my throat, - because, though I always and already knew, - those words meant more to me than he will ever know. My love for him filled me up. He must have felt it. My eyes probably gave me away, - and it gave him the opportunity to add something. But he did not. I know how he ached to seek refuge and comfort in my arms - in my bed.

Breathing in and parting tempting lips, he took a brief look over my shoulder as if to show me what he longed for. But he didn't ask.
He wanted to, but he didn't. He waited for me to ask the question, and his mind was already forming a yes, to answer my unspoken request. But my invitation didn't come. And just to reassure him that I had indeed understood his mute hopes, - I turned to look over my shoulder, too, and then faced him again.

I wanted him. By all the Gods, I wanted him. And had we been alone - had we not been surrounded by a tense and frightened army in the dark of the night - I swear to Zeus I would have grabbed him right there. I would've grabbed him by his shawl and thrown him on the ground and claimed his body for my own, right there, just as he wanted me to. Make us both forget. Forget what's facing us at dawn.
I can't recall a time when the lines of his body or the glow on his face ever appealed to me more than it did just then.

When I finally spoke, - my answer to his unspoken request may have confused him.

"On the eve of battle it's hardest to be alone!", I whispered, in the hope he would understand my reasons to refuse him. I didn't give him any other explanation and the look on his face showed so much disappointment I could hardly bear it.

"Yes." The softness of his voice hurt me, and it took all my strength not to reach out for him.

What came next was to be expected. He didn't give up.
No, - he didn't beg. No, - he would never even ask.

But he was mocking me. Teasing me. Daring me.

Standing right in front of me, he didn't miss the chance to let me take a good and long look at him. Showing me what I was about to let down. He thought this might be our last chance. Our last night. And he told me so by saying: "Then perhaps this is.... farewell..... my Alexander!"

He might as well have said: "Well, well.... lookie what you're dismissing!"

Oh those eyes.

The way he held his head high. So proud. Proud, but never gloating. The subtle smile on his face. The hope and desire showing so obvious in his eyes. Those eyes make me weak. I can't be weak. Not tonight. So I did the only thing I could do. I reassured him there will be days and nights of passion in the future. This is not the end. It can't be.

"Fear not Hephaistion - we're at the beginning," I promised - and finally closing the tense, shivery distance between us - I embraced him - more so to hide from those eyes than to feel the warmth of his body against me. As if that would make a difference. Ha.

It felt so good to hold him like that.
I should have kissed him. I should. But I didn't.
It would have killed the remains of my resistance. So I didn't. I couldn't. I should have - but I didn't
.
The feel of him.... the smell of him.... the taste of him.... it all combined into a desire so powerful I almost couldn't take it.

And as I held him close and burried my face in his hair, my mind kept repeating the same words over and over: "Hephaistion.... stay with me! Stay with me!" But I never spoke them. And in the end; I released him and backed away - and he will never know how my internal battle was the hardest I've yet had to fight.

As I turned from him and disappeared into my tent - I know he was still standing there. If it were minutes or just seconds; I don't know.

But the hope in those eyes, the hope which I had just reduced to a minimum... - the hope is still there with him. I know. I can see him even with my eyes closed. How he slowly resigned and turned to walk away. He would look back - once, maybe twice - and even though resignation flowed through his veins - the hope may have diminished - but it never left him.

He, too, believes in our failure tomorrow. But I also know he accepted my half-hearted refusal - because he knows that at least I believe in our success against Darius, - and Hephaistion would never, ever, doubt my strategies or even question my decisions!

I know he's out there somewhere. My precious Hephaistion. Still hoping. Oh gods, I need him so. I'm so tense. So tense. But I cant give in. I can't. Not tonight.

Never put your emotions before your senses! My mother's words. They rule me. She's right of course. So I can't give in. Not tonight....

~~~~~***~~~~~

He left Alexander's quarters rather confused. Disappointed. Wondering about Alexander's reasons. Why? Alexander had wanted him. He knew that - and it didn't make sense.

Pulling his shawl tighter, he took a brief look back and walked away without any specific destination in mind.
The chill of the night made him shudder a bit. Or was it something else?

He'd always loved Alexander beyond anything or anyone. More than that. Much more than that. They were soulmates - and this was the first time ever, that Hephaistion couldn't decipher Alexander's motives.

From early childhood they had been each other's best friends. Trusting one another without a shadow of doubt. Always able to read each other's mind with no words spoken. Never a bad or negative feeling between them.

As they'd grown older, of course Hephaistion had come to realise the distinction of social class between them - but Alexander never - not once - held that against him or used it as a chance of acting superior.
The fact that Alexander would some day be King had never changed or influenced their friendship.

And as innocent boyhood-games grew into a more intimate nature, it had only strengthened the bond between them.

Hephaistion smiled to himself at the thought of their first giddy attempt of a kiss.

Alexander's lips on his own had been a natural development from shy and secret touching and exploring each other in empty corridors of the palace - but it was also a blushing move into something that caused unexpected reactions within Hephaistion's body.

At first he hadn't been quite sure what to make of his own impulses, though it had not taken him long to transfer those feelings into action and respond to Alexander's kiss with an almost uncontrollable passion.

Up untill then he had never even kissed a girl. The wish to kiss anyone had never really been a concern to him - least of all the wish to kiss any of the girls. But from the moment he'd felt Alexander's mouth claiming his, he knew, - despite the first seconds of confused fumbling - that this was what he'd been hoping for all along. And as their friendship grew stronger over the years, so did the physical attraction between them.

Hephaistion couldn't imagine ever being intimate with anyone else but Alexander, - and he never was.

Of course he noticed the looks he got from the girls. He wasn't blind to the fact that they desired him and he was well aware of his own allure. But girls simply didn't interest him. Their curves were pretty to look at but they just didn't appeal to him the way Alexander's slender body-features did. The lust he felt for Alexander was unique and never came upon him in relation to anyone else.

Keeping their developed relationship a secret was beyond practicable and before long they made no attempts to hide it. Everyone knew. And everyone pretended to accept it. But that didn't make Hephaistion's life any easier. Suddenly he found himself the target of envy from most of Alexander's closest companions. They never showed it when Alexander was around - but at any other given opportunity they would mock him and sometimes even physically hurt him. Hephaistion never told Alexander. He found no reason to bother him with any of it because Alexander needed to be on good terms with those closest to him. His life depended on that.

It wasn't till a few years later that Hephaistion realised there was another reason behind the bullying, than just envy of his intimate position with Alexander. Some of the guys got bolder and more tactless and a few of them stopped hiding the fact that they despiced him - despiced and desired him at the same time. Cleitus, being the one who was most obvious in his attempts, one day grabbed Hephaistion from behind, put an arm around his neck and squeezed tight, while pulling his victim's arm roughly into a locked position behind his back. Hephaistion couldn't move. His throat being pressed to where he couldn't breathe, he stood still and sensed Cleitus' lips near his left ear, whispering promises of the things he'd do to him once he got the chance.

It had shocked Hephaistion at first - but it also opened his eyes to better understand Cleitus' condescending behavior towards him. Cleitus wanted him. Cleitus desired him. Cleitus was in love with him. And Cleitus knew there was only one way to get to him. By degrading him. Hephaistion understood that - and he left it at that.

There had been similar insidents later. Cleitus had never carried his threats any further than just that - threats. But over the years he had repeatedly indicated how he would some day carry those threats into action - despite the consequences. It somewhat worried Hephaistion, but still he never told Alexander. And Cleitus knew that. Otherwise the harrasments would have stopped long ago.

To his left, Hephaistion noticed an inviting smell of grilled meat. He acknowledged his hunger but let it be, and kept walking, trying to distract himself from the other hunger that still filled his body. As he reached the outskirts of their buzzing camp, it got intensively darker, and he welcomed the chance to become one with long, inviting shadows. Still pondering on Alexander's refusal, he looked up and realised how clear the black sky was.
A bit further ahead, a big tree was blocking his view at the thousands of stars up there, and made him change his route. It was so quiet out here. Such a tense quiet. Hard to believe that in a few hours it would all be replaced by the sounds of yelling and deathly battle.
Would he be alive this time tomorrow night? It wasn't all that important. And right now he was as calm as could be - except his still being disappointed about Alexander's unexplained disappearance.

A slight movement to the right caught his immediate attention and caused him to be alert.
Someone took a slow and slinky step out of the shadows and the silhouet left him no doubts as to whom it was.

He wasn't able to distinguish if the face in front of him wore a smile or not, but he sensed danger.

"Out so late, Hephaistion?" Cleitus made no effort to hide a contemptuous smirk.
"Funny! I would have expected you to be snuggling up to something royal at a time like this! Didn't he want you, Hephaistion?"
Laughing, Cleitus took another step closer and finally Hephaistion could determine the scornful expression in his eyes and the heavy smell of vine on his breath.

Hephaistion stood still. Didn't try to back away and didn't show any sign of anxiety. He didn't answer, either. Maybe he should have said something, because his silence only seemed to provoke and incite the intruder.
Cleitus stepped even closer and whispering repeated the question: "Didn't he want you? Didn't he? Sent you away, did he?"
He laughed again and swayed a bit.

Hephaistion kept his eyes locked on the slightly taller guy. "You're drunk, Cleitus!"

In one fast movement, Cleitus had grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him backwards against the tree. He didn't let go of his grip, not even as Hephaistion's back hit the rough bark with a smashing sound and every bit of air was sent from his lounges.

"Yea, - you bet I'm drunk," Cleitus snarled. "Why wouldn't I be?"
His face was so close to his victim's their noses almost collided. One hand was slowly removed from Hephaistion's shoulder, only to close tight around his neck instead. He was suffocating and fighting to breathe, but Cleitus didn't seem to notice - or maybe he just didn't care.

"We all love our Alexander," he hissed through clenched teeth. "But he needs to be more generous, - needs to share a bit.... it's not fair how he always keeps the best to himself ...,"
Easing the pressure on Hephaistion's neck, Cleitus kept him trapped against the tree by pushing his own body against him. - "...and since he doesn't want you tonight, Hephaistion.... I think my turn has come!"

Hephaistion finally caught his breath and coughed.
He felt Cleitus' erection pressing against his groin and tried to speak, but his vocal chord remained silent.

Cleitus began tugging at his robes and pushed harder against him.

"Stop it, Cleitus," he finally managed to say.
"Why so? This is what you like, isn't it, Hephaistion? Something rock-hard between your thighs? Isn't that what you want? Isn't it? And Im so rock-hard right now - and I can easily get right between your thighs - so why don't you just relax and enjoy?"

"You're drunk!" Hephaistion repeated, his voice still hoarse from being violated.

Cleitus' mouth searched out the soft and open spot between Hephaistion's jaw and neck, and the warmth of his lips spread a nice but unwelcome feeling on Hephaistion's exposed skin.

"Stop it!"
"Or what?" Cleitus murmured while forcing the other man's shawl aside. "We both know you wont go tell our dear Alexander."

The pressure from Cleitus' body, along with the tree behind him, cutting painfully into his back, caused Hephaistion to let out a moan.
Cleitus, obviously misinterpreting the sound, smiled against Hephaistion's neck as he let his tongue sweep over it.

"You want this.....," he whispered, savoring in the scent and taste of the person in front of him, whom he so lusted for.

"No, - I don't," Hephaistion said. "And you know only too well why I keep taking this crap from you, Cleitus!" His voice was firm now. He needed to regain control before the situation got out of his hands.
"Alexander trusts you - and I want to keep it that way!"

Pushing hard off the tree with his right foot, he managed to create a distance between himself and the wood behind him.
The move caught Cleitus by surprise; he staggered backwards a few steps, and Hephaistion immediately took his advantages.

"I'm tired," he said. "We have a long day tomorrow. Go sleep, Cleitus - or go pour your passion on one of the slaveboys - or try Cassander, - I'm sure he'll be happy to see you!"

Cleitus let out a hard laugh which was soon replaced by anger. He raised a clenched fist, then changed his mind and pointed a slender finger at Hephaistion.
"One of these days my friend....... one of these days!" he snarled, eyes flaming with a mixture of lust and rage. But as Hephaistion then turned and walked away, Cleitus didn't try to stop him.

Reaching his own quaters, Hephaistion entered the tent, laid himself quietly and reached for a deep-red blanket next to him.
He didn't fear Cleitus. In his heart he knew Cleitus was aching for him, but he also knew he would never cross the line and actually harm him. That would simply be too much of a risk, because Alexander and Cleitus needed each other. They loved each other like brothers and Alexander trusted Cleitus for a reason.
So once again, this little entcounter would remain unknown to their King. And it was okay. Hephaistion could handle it.

What he couldn't handle, was his own devastation from being refused by Alexander when he had so needed to spend the night in his arms.
And as he drew the blanket tighter around himself, he closed his eyes and made no effort to fight back the tears.

~~~~~***~~~~~