It Wasn't You ;

Title: It Wasn't You
Author: halle.lujah_ ; hodamnits.valzie36@live.com
Fandom: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: NC-17, mild language
Genre: Slash
Warning: Sexually explicit M/M scenes & bad language.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx.

A fluffed up, messy, pile of blond hair moved around on the floor of a messy little motel room. A sickened moan left the mouth of said blond as he tried to make it to the bathroom, with great difficulty. He couldn’t see, he didn’t remember where he was, let alone who he was, as he lowered his head into the porcelain bowl, spewing out a wild night’s worth of alcoholism. After he’d milked his stomach for all it was worth, Ennis lazily fell against the wall, sliding down until he was hunched over; half of him in the shower, the other half hanging out into the hallway.

He felt miserable, and he didn’t even remember why. He figured it would come back to him sooner or later, but something was eating at him. Something was telling him he’d made a huge mistake and it was the worst possible thing he could have done. Ennis groaned in pain as he struggled to sit back up, bits and pieces of memories forgotten within a drunken frenzy starting to make themselves known once again, from the day before.

He remembered picking up his girls, like he always did. Junior and Jenny, yeah he remembered them. Nothing unusual there. They did what they always did, father/daughter stuff. Well, as father/daughter as it got for Ennis Del Mar.

The rest of the day went normal like too. After they had finished with their fun Ennis took them back to the usual spot. Ennis slowly pushed himself off the floor, feeling slightly better, good enough to walk at the very least. He walked out of the bathroom and into the main room. It didn’t look like the bed had been touched the whole night. He rubbed and scratched the back of his head in confusion; he didn’t remember coming to a motel. It was something he only did when Jack … came… to visit…

Ennis’ eyes snapped open in realization as he remembered the day before. Oh. Shit. Ennis had sent Jack away after he’d driven all the way from Texas, freaking Texas, to see him. Sure, he didn’t call or give any kind of forewarning, not even the usual post card, but Ennis shouldn’t have been so bluntly rude about it. Ennis plopped down on the bed, ruffling the once neat covers, in utter shock. How could he have done that to him? Jack, how could have done that to Jack? Jack fuckin’ Twist!

Ennis looked around in a rush, looking for any sign that Jack might have come back to the motel with him. Ennis looked, and knew he would find nothing because he saw Jack ride off in his truck with his very own eyes! Jack didn’t come back with him; he didn’t even talk to Jack after he left. Sure, it had only been a few hours but that didn’t mean that Jack couldn’t have decided to be his stubborn, persistent self and wait until Ennis was alone to pounce.

Ennis buried his head in his hands and started muttering “oh Lord, what did I do? What did I do, what did I do?” over and over again, the sad, sad, realization dawning on him that…he shoved the one man who meant anything to him away, just like that. Ennis’ heart twisted as he remembered the pained, hurt look in those beautiful blue eyes.

Shoulders started to shake as Ennis fought back the thoughts, and tears, of what may have happened after Jack left. What if Jack didn’t want Ennis anymore? What if he finally got fed up with Ennis’ constant paranoia about people finding out about them? His wife had already left him because of it, he was almost certain that if his kids ever found out they wouldn’t want him anymore. Ennis just couldn’t grasp why Jack couldn’t get the fact that he didn’t want to get hurt. By anyone, physically, mentally, emotionally, none of it. He didn’t want none of it.

He ran shaking hands through his golden locks as he ran over the scenarios of what might have happened to Jack over and over again. Maybe he just went home? And decided that his family was all he had left, that he didn’t need some grouch anymore. Or maybe he was hurt. Or worse, maybe he was dead. Suicide? Murder? RAPE? Any of those quite possible.

Ennis was just about to lose his mind when he head light, almost inaudible, rasps at the door of his motel room. He froze where he was, hand midway through his hair, not knowing who it could be. It could have been one of the towns-folk coming to get him for being queer. Did Alma finally snap and tell his secret to everyone? The light rasps on the door got louder and louder, somewhat more frantic when Ennis didn’t answer. “Damnit, Ennis, let me the fuck in!!”

Recognizing that sweet, sweet voice anywhere Ennis jolted up and sung the door open, greeted with the red-hot face of his mountain lover. “Jack, thank god, I th-” Ennis was cut off by a hard fist to the jaw. He stumbled back a bit, hand reaching up to touch his throbbing face. “That was ‘fer makin’ me cry like a woman, you bastard! ‘Fer makin’ me feel like you didn’t want me!” Ennis looked up at a flaring jack, with blue fire burning in his eyes and his fists shaking at his sides. Ennis was still in shock. Did Jack really just hit him out of nowhere? No-fuckin’-where? It wasn’t like it was the first time Jack had punched him, but this one caught him off guard.

As he tried to move his jaw back into place he could see Jack moving closer out of the corner of his eye. Ennis was worried that he was going to get hit again so he raised his own fist in defense. “Now listen here, Rodeo. There ain’t no reason to be goin’ an’ hittin’ on me, now.” Jack didn’t answer; he moved closer, backing Ennis up until the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed. Jack put one of his hands over Ennis’ still raised fist, forcing it down to his side, as the other hand went to Ennis’ neck in that spot he loved to touch. “And this, this is because I miss you.”

Before Ennis could say anything, before he could ask what the hell Jack was talking about, his lips were covered with the smaller males’ in a heated passionate kiss. The kiss was full of longing, lust, desire, anger, regret, sadness and love. Most importantly, it was filled with lots and lots of love. Jack’s hand slowly let go of Ennis’ fist and made its way to the buttons on Ennis’ shirt. “Y’know Cowboy, you been killin’ me ever since that time we spent on Brokeback.” Jack’s hand continued unbuttoning Ennis’ shirt.

Ennis was too dumbfounded to do anything but breathe, and he was still having difficulty with that. “Every time we go to out meetin’ place, and when we’re leavin’, I feel like dyin’…hopin’ you’d turn around an’ tell me to come back with you.” Jack got to the last button and then pushed Ennis’ shirt off his body. Jack took a second to look at the skin he’d missed so much. He licked his lips hungrily as he looked up into Ennis’ eyes, still wide from the shock of it all. “Y’know, I went down there to Mexico after you sent me ‘way again.” Jack started as he pushed Ennis down on the bed. “I went to this place I know ‘bout, heard some people talkin’ ‘bout it.”

Jack put his hand back on Ennis’ neck, rubbing it with his thumb. “Has male prostitutes and whatnot.” Ennis knitted his brows together, not getting what Jack was trying to tell him. What did he care about male prostitutes? He didn’t need one, he had Jack. Or, at least, he hoped he still had jack. “I found me a nice one, as nice it got anyway.” Ennis was slowly starting to realize what Jack was telling him, anger started boiling through Ennis’ veins as he clenched his hands sides, trying to restrain himself from going down to Mexico and killing that person right then. “We went down in the alley into this room, don’t exactly think it was no motel or anythin’ but it sorta looked like it.” Jack continued, seeing the pain on Ennis’ face he continued to rub the man’s neck in attempt to calm him down. “We was about to…y’know,”

Ennis breathed in deep, it took all he had not to slap Jack, but he stayed right where he was. No moving, only glaring a hole right into the wall his eyes were fixated on. He was going to go kill someone. “But I couldn’t.” Jack spoke the last words in a very low whisper. The only reason Ennis could hear it was because Jack was talking right into his ear. It sent chills down his spine to have Jack’s breath on him. He wiggled uncomfortably at the stirring he felt in his groin. “It wasn’t you, Cowboy. It jus’ wasn’t the same.” Ennis unclenched his hands and his eyes opened, no longer glaring just staring into space as Jack made his way to sit on his knees behind him; it was too much to take all at once.

First, he thinks Jack hates him because he drove him off again, and this time not even after five minutes. Then, he wakes up in a motel, hung-over and alone. And then, Jack pops up and hammers him in his jaw, telling him about how he nearly fucked another man. And now, Jack was behind him with his arms around his neck, humming a tune right beside his ear. Ennis could hardly stand it, the feeling of Jack behind him, his hot breath on his neck and face; it was enough to drive someone mad.

“I don’t want no one in me but you, Ennis.” Ennis moaned against his own will as Jack spoke those words. He couldn’t take it anymore, being that close to Jack and not touching him all over. He couldn’t stay mad at Jack for something he almost did, at least…not until he got what he needed first.

Ennis turned around and practically tackled Jack to the bed, kissing him with such ferocity it almost scared Jack at first. Ennis stripped Jack of his shirt, then Jack’s jeans and then the reminder of his own clothing. He flipped Jack over so he was on his knees, and then the same thing as always happened.

Grunts, groans, moans, yelling and screaming went on for the better part of an hour before they both collapsed onto the bed, breathing heavily. Jack made his way to lie on top of Ennis and snuggled into the larger man’s chest. “You really went to Mexico?” Ennis asked, rubbing Jack’s back absent-mindedly. “Sure did.” Ennis’ heart sank; he couldn’t believe that Jack almost did it with someone else but him. His body tensed up, and he stopped rubbing on Jack, letting his hand fall onto the bed. It almost felt uncomfortable now.

Jack sensed Ennis’ dismay and raised his head to look at the blond. “But, I came back fer you, Cowboy.” Jack smiled and gave Ennis a sweet kiss before snuggling back into him. They lay like that for a few minutes. Silently, enjoying each other’s company, both not wanting it to end, just like always. “When you gotta go back?” Ennis asked quietly, almost shyly. Jack lazily shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “When you want me ‘ta go, I s’pose.” Jack started to rub Ennis’ neck again.

Ennis thought on that for a second and finally came to a decision with himself. “Live with me.” Ennis said the words so fast Jack almost thought he didn’t hear him right the first time, so he just lifted his head up to look at Ennis like he’d rolled off his rocker. “Live with me.” He repeated and Jack knew he’d heard him right. Jack’s face lit up with that brilliant smile that Ennis loved so much. The blue in his eyes seemed to burn with an intensity he’d never seen before, it was amazing. “You mean it, Cowboy?”

“Sure do, Rodeo.” Ennis had made up his mind; he never wanted to live without this man. He couldn’t care less what other people thought at the moment, they would have to learn to understand or they could just go be rude somewhere else. Jack was what mattered, and that was all that counted. Jack kissed him again, this time harder and more urgent with a smile still on his face.

After they talked through what they were going to do about families and living situations, they decided to get some shut-eye before the long drive down to Texas to break the news to Jack’s family and get his belongings. Jack snuggled into Ennis’ side, grabbing his hand and pulling it around his waist.

“Hey, Cowboy?” Jack asked before he was completely out.

“Mmm?” Came a muffled reply.

“I love you.”

“I love ‘ya too, Rodeo.”

They both slipped off into a peaceful sleep after that, finally content with what they had.

/FIN.