How to Seduce a Robot

GabrielC suggested we skeeze out Mikaela. Yay! My question is, What Will Optimus Do?!?!

Pervy, but no sex. Supposed to be kind of funny. Think...twisted thoughts.


Mikaela slid onto the chair in the public library’s computer lab. Sam had told her how to do this, and it was probably all right, but she didn’t want to leave any tracks that would lead anyone back to her dad’s repair shop. She felt rather proud of herself for thinking of that. She pulled up a search screen and typed in the woman’s name. It took her a few times to get the spelling right, but sure enough, eventually, ‘June Trevelyan’ popped up, in California.

A lot of the links were from a small private college a few hours away. Mikaela clicked. A page came up: “Welcome to GEO 101: Introduction to Geology!” Professor: June Trevelyan. No, that can’t be right. She clicked on a personnel link, and Professor Trevelyan’s profile page came up. With a picture. That was her. Oh my god. The thought was vaguely nauseating to Mikaela. A college professor. And… ugh, she couldn’t even think about it. Not that way. The police car bot was disgusting. And she was so…old!

But Optimus. That would be different. He wasn’t disgusting. Even when forced, even when pressured, he’d kissed her so gently. And it wasn’t like Sam’s first kiss, or any following ones, either. Sam was…sloppy. Drooly. Optimus’s kiss had been tender and gentle. And not sloppy wet. She wondered how he’d do everything else.

Was it true? The two enemy robots had said he wanted her. But he’d seemed so cold and distant last time she’d seen him, as if he’d rather forget about the whole thing. He wasn’t a girl: girls don’t forget about stuff like that. A girl doesn’t forget a good kiss. She wasn’t going to give up. Sam had been a step up from Trent, but Optimus? MILES ahead of Sam.

She needed help.

Turning back to the computer’s search, she pulled up Professor Trevelyan’s schedule. All right, she said, I can do this. She memorized it—not leaving any written tracks. Time to get some advice.


*****

Barricade rolled into the parking lot a half hour before June’s first class. “Anyone ever say anything weird about this?” he asked, as she popped open the back seat to get her teaching bag.

“No,” she said, taking care to look at his hologram. “Just think I’m dating a cop. A few have asked me for advice.”

“How to get out of tickets?”

She winked. “You know it.” She ran a hand over his hood, saying goodbye. He’d see her later after class. Nothing was more boring than sitting in a parking lot, staring at a building, wondering when she’d be done. Okay, when that one kid had slid a flyer under his wiper blades, that had been worse. (Those blades were sensitive!) But he’d taken to driving the highways, running up on people flashing his lights. Petty, but amusing. If he had to kill time, what better way than scaring a few squishies?

He rolled out of the lot, approaching the turn to the ring-road, when a red motorcycle cut him off and stopped. He jammed on his brakes, engine roaring a threat. The rider raised her helmet. He knew her—it was Optimus’s xeno. And she knew exactly who he was.

Still he went through the motions, rolling his driver’s side window down, manipulating his hologram. “Young lady,” he said, “That is reckless driving.”

“Let’s talk.”

“What do you possibly think we could talk about? You’re not talking your way out of a citation, miss.”

She held up a cell phone. “One call, and her whole administration knows about June. Hanging out with Decepticons? That’ll go over well. I’ve got pictures of you. Much less what she does….” Mikaela pinched her mouth.

Barricade cut the hologram. “What do you want.”

“Just want to talk.”

Two cars sat impatiently behind him. “Great place you picked.”

“Got anything better?”

“Not much that isn’t an improvement on this.”

“Fine: you lead. I follow. But not to that creepy warehouse.”

“See if you can keep up.” He punched his drive train, swerving around her and cutting down the ringroad, sirens and lights firing. He saw her scramble to catch up and ride his wake through the scattering traffic. Where to take her? He wasn’t going to take her to June’s place. And the warehouse was out.

Abandoned garage on the far side of town. That would do. If she didn’t like it, too bad. He didn’t like too much about this scenario anyway. What the hell could she want? For a moment he thought about calling June, but, he looked at his chrono—she’d be teaching right now. She never answered during class anyway. And what would he say? Being chased by the crazy xeno bitch? What could she do to help?

He blurted in Cybertronian machine language at the garage’s rusty door. It protested, but rattled open. He swerved, backed in. Waited. She rolled into the parking lot. Stopped.

“Not going in there where you can kill me,” she said.

“Stay outside, then, and yell into a garage. Sure that looks sane,” Barricade retorted. He shut off his engine. “What do you want.”

“I want to talk about…it.”

“It.” He knew what she was talking about. But why help her?

“You know.”

“Do I?”

“Optimus.”

Barricade rolled his optics. Despite himself, he was starting to have fun. “Optimus?”

She got off the bike, shaking her hair out of the helmet. Barricade was unimpressed. “I want to know how she did it.”

“Optimus isn’t a she.” Oh, he could keep this denser-than-an-engine-block act up forever.

“How June did it.” She pouted her lips. Barricade was even less impressed. Thank Primus June had never tried this petulant princess act on him.

“Did what.” Hard to keep the snicker out of his voice.

Her pout deepened. “How she got you.”
“Got me?”

“You know. To have sex with her.”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because.”

“Not good enough.” She stepped into the shadow of the garage. Barricade was tempted to transform, and sweep her ankles out from under her. “You don’t dictate terms to me.” She held up her cell phone, menacingly. “How did she get you to do it?”

“I started it, if you must know.”

“You? With her? Why her?” She said it like there was something wrong.

“Why not her?”

Mikaela’s nose wrinkled. “She’s old!”

“I am older than she is.” He’d never really thought about it. But he was. “Optimus is old, if that matters.”

She shook the comment away. “She’s not very pretty.”

“Pretty? Like what? You?” June had way more character. His kind valued the scars of battle on their bots. A too clean, too blank face was one step above a drone. That’s where he put Mikaela.

“Well, yes.”

“Honey,” he said, “I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last xeno on earth.”

She looked shocked for a second, then spat back, “I wouldn’t let you.”

Barricade boiled out of his vehicle mode, grabbing her with a rough hand. “Try and stop me,” he snarled. He liked the look of fear in her eyes. From June, never. From this xeno, fear was just fine. He released her. “Don’t want you.”

“Same here,” she spat, tugging her jacket closer across her chest.

“You want Optimus, go get him.”

She stamped her foot. “I don’t know how!”

Barricade squatted back. “What, exactly, did you want from me.”

“I want to know how to do it!”

“I thought we did a pretty good demonstration before.”

“I had other things on my mind.”

He gave a melodramatic sigh. “All right. Quick rundown. Then you leave me alone. And June.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

Close enough. He showed her his interface hatch. “Generally here on most bots, just below the chest plating. Protected. Left side is standard, though some have right side, especially if they’ve had significant repairs in the past.” He flipped it open. “Module. That’s what you want.” He was rather pleased to note that his module had only one of the ready lights glowing. Wouldn’t feel very good to have to explain to June.

“And this?” She poked at his access port. He flinched.

“Don’t touch that.” Still too many bad memories. June could touch it, but even she’d avoided it since his…incident.

“What is it?”

“Access port.” To her blank look he added, “Where you plug in another bot’s module?” (His brain added the ‘stupid!’ part)

She tugged his module out of its coupling. He gritted his dentals. A little rough. Optimus should have a miserable time with her. Suddenly, he saw a bright side to this scenario. These two deserved each other. “What do you do with this?”

“That’s the module? Just explained that.”

“I mean, with June.” She prodded at the ready lights, as if they were buttons. Oh, he should give himself a write up for an award for this one. Set her loose on Optimus? Poor bot would be crippled for life.

“You saw—or maybe not—with June. You do know your own anatomy, yes?” He wasn’t taking any chances.

“This? In there?” She looked at it dubiously. “It’s cold.”

He snatched the module back. “June’s never complained.”

“She’s old. Probably numb down there.”

“Is not.” He gave a warning growl. “Do you want to know or not?”

She reached for the module. “Show me.”

“In the access port,” he said.

“You mean vagina?”

He wrinkled his nasal plating. “Is that what you humans call it? Hideous word.” He watched her face flush with anger. “Yes, then, in your *vagina*. That’s one option.”

“More?”

He wondered if she was thinking that Prime’s module would be bigger. “Can use your hands like a sealing collar.” He pulled her hands around his module’s end. His module was still low-lit, but he forced a datastream pulse through anyway. Demonstration purposes. “ Feel that?” She nodded. “That’s what you’re looking for.”

“And then what?”

“Then, just hold it. Does the rest by itself.”

“Sounds pretty mechanical.”

“Hello? We’re machines.”

“Anything else I can do?”

He thought for a long moment. How evil was he feeling? He split the difference. “Anything you can do that would put pressure on the module’s end like a sealing collar would work.” He saw the right lightbulb go off in her head. He decided right then he’d tell June the whole thing. She’d love this last part. Oh if only they could be there to watch. Poor Prime.

She, however, would get what she deserved.

“Any other questions?”

“How do I get it started? You said he was…what?”

“He likes others being in charge. Take charge.”

“I can’t order him right off the bat, to….?”

He tucked his module away with a click. “Look. I’ve dealt with that type before.” He thought of Starscream. “Kiss him until he makes a noise. Then you tell him what you want. Or, you can just grab for what you want. The way you just did,” (you little freak bitch).

“What if he rejects me?”

Barricade rolled his eyes. I can’t believe all of my intel gathering, and I’m using it for this. “Prime hates conflict. If he says no, it’ll be in such a way that…well, you don’t really have to listen to it. If he wants to play gentleman, you just tell him you don’t want him to be a gentleman. Not with you.” He winced. Gross. This was not what he came to earth for—to be romance advice columnist for the young and stupid.

“How did you know you wanted June?”

June. “Everything. Could barely concentrate. Little things like the way she sat in the seat, or tapped along with the music on the steering wheel. Completely innocent. But….” Hot, his brain added. Innocent and animal and alive and joyous and sexual and irresistible.

“So, touching?”

Wow, she wasn’t getting the point. “Yeah, sure. Touching.”

She nodded, satisfied. “This better work,” she said, turning to the sunlight outside the door.

“Not my fault if you screw up. Maybe figure out pretty isn’t the only thing that matters.”

“You shut up,” she turned and hissed at him, her dark hair spinning wide.

“Oh, Mikaela, one thing, before you go.” If she wasn’t an idiot, his smooth tone should have alarmed her. She turned.

“What?”

He snatched the phone from her hands and crushed it easily. “Blackmail is ugly. No matter how pretty you are.”

She looked at her empty hand for a minute, more of that fear in her eyes. He hoped she’d remember that—how easily he could have just taken off her hand (or her head), before she tried this again. If he or June ever heard from her again, he wouldn’t hesitate. Right now, though, the desire to see her set loose on Optimus outweighed the other. For now.