Life is so much better when you're dead

"Oh, there's nothing like tooling along the glorious, glorious streets of Gotham, is there Moses, my good man?"

"I believe it's Mosheh, Sofia. As it's always been."

The red haired girl sitting behind the wheel scrunched her face in an irritated grimace, which quickly gave place to an expression of utter serenity. "You pay too much attention to detail, Mosheh, it's too jewwy even for you."

"Yeah, you know, my jewness is that of a lucrative nature. You shouldn't complain."

"Who said anything about complaining."

The black vintage Jaguar Mark X careened lazily down the dilapidated streets of the Narrows. The cheerful tune of the Beach Boys' Sail On Sailor on the speakers was seemingly ill-suited considering the surroundings and the lurid, chilly weather, yet it elicited carefree humming and bobbing of heads from all three people inside the car.

"So, you men remember the drill, right?" Sofia turned around and looked at the man huddled in the back seat who until now had remained silent. He was quite tall for an Asian, dressed neatly in a three-piece pinstriped suit. His left eye was completely blue with the pupil indiscernible; clearly the eyeball was out of order. He looked up wearily and cleared his throat as Sofia's eyes fixated back on the road and she continued on twittering.

"We enter his office like everything is just and right with the world, and as soon as we close the door behind ourselves, our Yaguchi here pulls out his pistol and points it at the doctor. Right?"

"Sounds about right," Yaguchi answered in a raspy voice, muffling a yawn.

"And then I do my thing and make him that proverbial offer he can't refuse. This is about to be funny, I wonder if he's gonna display a reaction of utter triteness or if he's gonna try the psychological approach. Alright, getting there... dun, dun, dun..." Sofia abruptly stopped the car. "Here's Arkham."

"Can I have a smoke before we go in there?" asked Mosheh.

"Why do you always ask me such difficult questions?" Sofia snarled and got out of the car, beckoning the men to follow her. "You'll have a smoke after we're done, I wanna be through with it as soon as possible. Shitload of laundry to do today, innit?"

"Laundry, huh? That's what the Kawasaki Imports is for, you don't need to do a thing about it," muttered Yaguchi, dragging his feet with a slight limp. They ascended the concrete steps and pushed the old, wooden door open.

"Well, yeah, but to carry out the distribution without chagrining the good ol' uncle Sullivan, that, my friend, is something only a family member can undertake."

"True, true."

The hospital had been reformed into an institution catering not only to the so called criminally insane, but also to those downtrodden with more mundane problems. The dramatic plunge in the amount of the criminally insane element of Gotham city must have left the psychiatric body on the verge of poverty, forcing them to open up to the masses. That was the reason regular folk like the three of them was now able to enter the premise and get professional help without anyone asking any bothersome questions. Chit-chatting and snickering every now and then, they meandered through the corridors of the asylum. Finally, they arrived at their destination.

"Uh, hi. We have an appointment with doctor Williams." Sofia leaned slightly over the secretary's desk. "Family therapy," she added with a smile.

"Name?" the secretary asked, analyzing the group in front of her. Two men, one outrageously tall with an even more outrageously long braided beard, wearing a stand-up collar suit. Features outrageously Semitic. The other man slightly shorter, eerie looking, obviously Asian. And the girl--long red hair with a fringe, exceptionally small frame. She wore a baseball jacket embroidered with a design of a Japanese woodblock print-styled skeleton, and if the secretary could make anything out of human appearances, she seemed to be partially Italian, maybe Italian-Irish. What kind of family connections could possibly exist among those people was a mystery to the woman.

"Falcone," Sofia answered, adorning the last syllable with a stifled chuckle.

"Alright..." The secretary gave her register a quick look. "Indeed, an appointment has been made... Doctor Williams is waiting." She gestured to the left, pointing to the door leading to the office. Clearly as day, there was something slightly off about those patients, and that was exactly the reason she chose not to delve any deeper into the nature of their relations. Family or not, they went through all the trouble of making an actual appointment with the very head of Arkham Asylum, and, more importantly, they could actually afford it. As far as legitimacy was concerned, everything seemed perfectly fine, and there was nothing more she could do. Although she couldn't help having a faint feeling that today Dr Williams was in for quite an adventure.

And indeed he was, as everything went according to plan. As soon as they entered the office and closed the door, Yaguchi caught the doctor at gunpoint. Dr Williams, after all being a renowned psychiatrist bearing years of experience, retained his calm and did his best not to even let out a sound of swallowing. Sofia took a seat in the chair opposing him, her companions taking flanking positions.

"Good morrow, doctor Williams," she said with a smile. "I should hope you recognize my face. Keep your hands over the desk, please, and away from the phone or any other devices. And let me see your wallet."

The doctor hesitated for only a second. Indeed, he knew all too well who had just graced him with their presence. Obediently, he reached to his suitcase, the movement of his hand being followed by Yaguchi's gun. He opened it as slowly as possible and fumbled inside of it for a moment. Finally he withdrew his arm, holding up his wallet. Sofia made a beckoning gesture and held her hand out, prompting Dr Williams to part with the object. Without uttering a word, he watched her go through all of his documents, credit cards, and everything else he had ever decided to put in there.

"Rrright. We're gonna do it old school, after all," she trilled, smiling gleefully. The doctor squinted, trying to make out what caught her attention, and his whole body stiffened as Sofia pulled out some pictures out of the photo pocket. "As the big bad mobsters usually say in moments like this, lovely family you've got there. Here Mosheh, these are for you." She handed the photos to the taller man. "Now go and, you know, circulate them. And feed your dying cancer."

Mosheh nodded with a grin and left the office. Dr Williams, still dumbstruck, watched as the door closed behind the man and fixed his eyes on the red headed girl in front of him.

"That was a hint which I believe you've taken," she said in a mellow voice. The doctor cleared his throat.

"Yes, I have. What do you want?"

Sofia rolled her eyes and adjusted herself in the chair.

"I want to go and talk to Jonathan Crane, alone, without anyone knowing and stuff. You put nothing in the register, I'm out of here before you notice. I hope so, at least. See, a fairly mundane, harmless request that is, hm?"

"I'd like to think so," Williams muttered, drumming his fingers against the desk nervously. "Well, then. Let's get going, shall we?" He stood up and nodded towards the door. Yaguchi put his gun in his pocket, but kept reassuringly close to the doctor. Unfazed by the secretary's questioning look, they left the office in silence and walked to the elevator which took them down to the basement. It was where the privileged patients were kept, privileged meaning they basically had three hots and a cot daily, without being subject to any excruciatingly beneficial therapy.

Their steps echoed through the dim corridor as they attracted the eyes of caged madmen in their wake. The doctor stopped in front of a door tagged Jonathan Crane, his patient number beneath the name.

"It's here," he said quietly, sliding the key-card into the slot.

"So you guys play it nice while I'm in there." Sofia peeked inside and turned around, giving Yaguchi a big grin.

"Yeah, and you try not to make him cry or anything," the man muttered, causing Dr Williams to wince in trepidation.

"Nothing is to happen to my patient, let's make this clear," he droned weakly.

"Now, don't be silly, doctor." Sofia entered the cell, and the door slowly closed behind her.

Jonathan Crane was sitting on his bed, hands clasped together and resting in his lap. He appeared only slightly surprised at the sight of Sofia coming through the door, instead of the all too familiar, tedious countenance of his orderly.

"Hello, Jonathan. My name is Sofia Falcone, you probably have heard of me. I'm ever so pleased to meet you," she drawled, scoping the surroundings. Finally, she fixed her gaze on the cell's tenant and sat on the floor in front of him, crossing her legs. "I have a question, you know..." she muttered, rubbing her left eye lazily. "I know you had copious amounts of that awesome fear toxin of yours stashed somewhere. I wanna know where is that somewhere."

"And how exactly are you planning to go about persuading me into giving away the location of that somewhere?" asked Crane, leaning in a little and cocking his brow.

"Now that's a whole lot of unnecessary words," she cringed. "You're institutionalized, what couldn't I do to you at this point?"

"Well, I'd be pleased to know exactly what my odds are at this point."

"Very, very grim, I'd say."

Crane gave her a condescending look.

"You must know one thing, miss Falcone. The item in question isn't of a kind that I'd be likely to share with a fledgling mob starlet such as yourself. Not without some effort on your side first. Something called a favor or two."

"...Okay. Fledgling, you say, favors, you say..." Sofia paused for a moment. "I can sort of understand why you wouldn't want to part with your sole ace in the hole, the only way you might reclaim your position in Gotham right away, should you ever be released. But I'm still in my twenties, and I really shouldn't be that understanding at that age. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to measure every dick my henchmen possess, and I'm gonna pick the biggest one. Then I'm gonna get him a job at Arkham. That would be your new personal nurse, all for you. Now, the way I see it, you're gonna get raped repeatedly every day, until you decide to stop being such a stingy bastard. And don't you worry, I'll go out of my way to make sure you lovebirds won't be interrupted during your quality time. Favor enough for ya?"

Crane started to show signs of unsettlement. He clenched his jaw and shifted his position a little. "That's... quite elaborate. Even if somehow you were able to do all that... just out of curiosity, wouldn't it be easier to force the answer out of me in a more... traditional way?"

"Absolutely not, wouldn't want to bruise that dashing physiognomy of yours. We're gonna bruise you where no one's gonna look. And don't you worry about what I can or cannot do. At this point I can assure you, you're about to begin a brand new chapter in your life. Or maybe it's gonna be a drastic rekindling with an old one, I don't know where you've been. So, what would your answer happen to be now?"

The man analyzed every grimace of Sofia's face as she was speaking, trying to figure out whether she was bluffing or making honest threats. As far as he was informed, that girl came back to Gotham just three months ago, following a very long absence. With all the remains of the previous Falcone empire being swept off the face of the Earth, she was forced to start her business with very scarce resources. She was creative, he had to give her that, but did she actually gather enough following in such little time to force a stunt like this? Sofia didn't actually come across as someone overly confident. Her way of speaking was strangely casual and composed, with a faintly noticeable stammer. Definitely not intimidating by any means. So, should Crane take the risk? All in all, chances Sofia would actually carry out her promise didn't seem that high. And even if she would, Crane was sure he could take that kind of humiliation in order to protect his life savings. If it turns out it's too much for him though, maybe eventually he would disclose the location of his precious chemicals, but right now... he decided to gamble.

"My answer would be no."

"Oh dear." Sofia let out a strange sound being something in between a screech and a giggle. "You're gay, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not. I just don't really find you very convincing."

Sofia stretched her arms and slowly stood up as there was nothing more for her to do. "So, you'd better start concocting some lube out of that gooey thing they feed you with, you know..." With that, she left.


♣ ♣ ♣


The following day a new orderly had indeed been assigned to take intensive care of Dr Crane. After the first day had passed, in Jonathan's personal opinion calling the man well endowed was a severe understatement. Needless to say, he was more than ready to cooperate with Sofia at the very beginning of this treatment; unfortunately, he found himself forced to endure a week long therapy. When the day of liberation came, Jonathan had to employ all he had in him not to show relief upon seeing Sofia entering his cell, instead of the way too well known, way too tedious countenance of his way too personal nurse.

"Blessings once again, my good man. I do apologize for my prolonged absence, it just seems that my friend Mickey enjoyed your company all too much, and I simply didn't have the heart to call him off so quickly. So, tell me what you know, Jonathan, tell me, tell me, I'm all ears," Sofia twittered as she took her place on the floor.

Crane felt he probably couldn't look more hurt and woeful than he did, but a part of him hoped to evoke at least a little bit of remorse out of his visitor. Given his current fix, all he could do was to take a strike at Sofia's conscience, and he would appreciate any compensation, no matter how trifling.

"Last time we spoke, you made yourself very clear. I understood my well being is at stake as long as I choose to remain, as you put it, a stingy bastard. Well, I had a change of heart the very day you worked your magic and sent in that... filthy animal. So..." At this point Crane simply wasn't able to contain himself any longer. He bit his lip painfully, and Sofia could have sworn she saw a tear forming in his eye. "What. The fuck."

"Now don't be a baby, Jon. Sometimes people need to take special measures to get their point across," she said in a saccharine, cooing voice. "You know what... I'm gonna make it up to you. Tell me what you know already, and you might find out doing business with me can be a very rewarding experience."

Jonathan stared at her for a while with an undefined look on his face, feeling a wave of resignation wash over him. "Very well then. What you're after can be found in the Dixon docks. The basement of the third warehouse from the Vincefinkel bridge."

"Basement?"

"A lot of those warehouses served as storage space for people who would appreciate some privacy. Many of them had been adjusted to their needs."

"Is that so. Is there any trick to acquiring the goods?"

"To enter the warehouse you must enter the combination of six digits, 7-5-4-3-9-0. The hatch is located beneath the stairs. There's a switch button at the bottom of the railing. Push it, and you'll find your object of desire in abundance."

"Thank you ever so much, Jonathan, I'm very much obliged. Now tell me, have you been eating well? I don't know if I'm just imagining things, but you seem to have lost some weight since our last meeting. No, wait, don't answer. I know you've been spending your days actively as of late, but now it's time for recuperation. Here." Sofia pulled a candy bar out of her bag and placed it in Crane's lap. "That's for starters. Take care."

She left the cell waving her hand. Crane fixed his gaze on the candy bar and let out a deep, mournful sigh.


♣ ♣ ♣


The moon was very full of itself the night Sofia and her cohorts decided to raid the Dixon docks. The dimly lit area seemed to be completely abandoned. With brand new shipping yards emerging lately up north, this place now seemed to serve only one purpose which was providing storage space for various shady individuals with enough power of persuasion to secure a high level of privacy, without anybody of the prim and proper kind snooping around--just like Jonathan Crane had said. Right now though, said individuals were more than likely to be six feet underground or institutionalized in one way or another. The last two years had been indeed very fruitful when it comes to crime fighting; the entire mob was completely pulverized, and every attempt at petty theft or assault usually ended in bloody carnage. Strangely enough, the ones getting damaged weren't the victims, but the would-be perpetrators. Some said it was the Batman's doing. Some said he had finally snapped. After all, he hadn't been spotted even once in six months.

The situation was similar concerning the Joker. After being admitted to Arkham two years ago, he graced the place with his presence for mere two months before escaping. At first he would make public appearances not unlike his usual modus operandi, but his attempts at wreaking havoc never reached the initial level. Eventually, as Joker's little performances got more and more scarce, his image slowly faded from the public consciousness.

If one would give it some more insight, one might raise a question: why did both Batman and Joker disappear completely from the public eye and, in a way, took every criminal still remaining in Gotham with them? Although the whole situation did intrigue Sofia to some extent, she was more than happy with the outcome. A city with such ridiculously squeaky clean slate--if one wouldn't count the microscopic, benign enterprises--was a perfect place to build a new empire from scratch.

The black Jaguar stopped behind a dreary looking warehouse. The quiet hum of the engine faded out completely, and nothing else disturbed the perfect silence.

"I take it we're all alone in a place like this... this is going to be fun, huh?" asked Sofia, going through various things she had stuffed in her bag before setting off. "Do we have everything?"

"Yeah, I've got that, what's it's called, code breaker or whatever, we can try it out on other warehouses that haven't get raided yet. It's a tad old, but still a military toy nonetheless. Might work with some of those gatekeepers," Yaguchi muttered with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Can you get any more pretentious? Look at you, a pinstriped suit, a goddamned mafia hat and that fag speak, I mean, honestly." Sofia gave him an amused look and continued to rummage through her bag.

A lopsided smile crept onto Yaguchi's face. "Well, maybe some men are just born that way."

"Maybe it's Maybelline," she sing songed. "What the fuck. I've got them flashlights, I've got a piece but can someone tell me why do I have this night-vision camera on me? And those... laundry pegs? I mean, what...?"

"Afraid I can't help you. Can we proceed? I want to test that fancy Nokia that Reese guy gave us." Mosheh heaved a deep a sigh.

"The one with all that sonar bullshit? Yeah, if Crane has a basement in this joint, it's safe to assume other warehouses may have plenty of hidden surprises. How did you get a hold of that artifact, by the way? Because I really don't recall."

"Well, you remember how we gave Reese a visit and asked him who that Batman really is?"

"Yeah...?"

"And how he kept on whining how he can't tell us under any circumstances, or else the Joker will come and kill him?"

"Yeah, it was pretty funny when he was sitting there crying, with two bigass boogers hanging all the way down to his neck."

"It was, wasn't it? Anyway, I don't know if you recall, but when you were about to chop off his nostrils, he said he'll do anything, that he has certain ways of getting things that might prove useful in our line of business."

"Oh yeah, he did... Venal bastard. And then what? I was so hammered it's all blurry to me now."

"Then we cut a deal. I honestly thought you'd remember, the next day we had insight into the entire R&D department of Wayne Enterprises. That Coleman dude can be pretty resourceful when he finds himself in a hostile environment. He got us some of these," Mosheh pulled out a cell phone from his pocket and turned it around in his hand. "And some other gadgets."

"All I remember is that the next day I was going through our hookers' HIV test results. But now I guess you guys did talk about that while I was looming over Coleman. I'm not drinking anymore, my life is slipping through my fingers."

"Let's go already, huh?" Yaguchi decided to speak up.

"Let's do just that, men."

They left the car in the shadows and took a walk to the gate. The information provided by Doctor Crane turned out to be accurate, and the code granted them access to a big, almost empty hall. The only things that stood out in this place were a couple of empty cardboard boxes, and, on the left, stairs adjacent to the wall. The warehouse was immersed in darkness, the only source of light being the moon shining in through the open gate. The trick with the railing worked as well. Slowly, the hatch leading to the basement opened, unveiling what was hidden underneath for nearly two years. The so called fear toxin. Barrels of it. Mosheh went down the steps leading underground, followed by his companions.

"Now that's... enchanting." Sofia gasped at the sight of such abundance as the flashlight's beam swept across the collected goods.

"Yeah, I'll call someone to come over with a truck or two. Now let's go check the other warehouses." Yaguchi turned around and was just about to go back up when he heard a thud, followed by a sound of struggling. Sofia momentarily switched off her flashlight.

If there was anything the three of them were good at, it was how not to be noticed. How to see without being seen. How to conduct most complicated operations without letting out the tiniest sound. Each of them slowly took positions on the steps, rearing their heads ever so slightly, just so they could assess the situation.

What they saw surpassed all of their expectations.

♣ ♣ ♣

Batman threw the Joker into the warehouse and knocked him down to the floor with one swift blow. The Joker landed flat on his back, letting out a stifled gasp. He didn't even have a chance to pull himself up as the dark, ominous figure dove down and straddled him in a matter of seconds. The Bat quickly took off his gloves, his now exposed hands feverishly maneuvering around Joker's waistband and then, his own codpiece. Joker didn't even try to put up a slightest resistance as his pants were being almost torn off him, pulled all the way down to his ankles. Breathing heavily, he watched as the man above him positioned himself between his thighs, spat in his open hand and smeared the saliva over his erect cock. Without a moment of hesitation, Batman sunk into the body splayed beneath him with one brutal thrust. Joker's back arched involuntarily, cries of pain bordering with lustful moans coming out of his wide open mouth. His arms reached up, fingers clawing the kevlar plates in an attempt to get a hold of the man pushing into him with maddening ferocity. In response Batman leaned over him and pinned his hands down to the floor, holding them in a tight grip.

Joker's cock pressed against the other man's armor was leaking, leaving sticky trails on the kevlar, and his wails were getting louder and more violent on the ears of the spectators with each second. He pressed his temple to the floor and shut his eyes tightly. The groans coming out of the Batman's throat started to sound more and more inhuman as he quickened the pace of his thrusts. After a minute that seemed to go on forever, the increasing cacophony of animalistic sounds reached its climax and then slowly faded away. All that was left was heavy panting and quiet whimpering.

The grip on Joker's hands weakened. His eyes fixed on the black cowl above him as he reached up once again. This time Batman didn't stop him. The clown brushed his fingers along the other man's lips and placed his other hand on the spot where the cowl met with the upper parts of the armor. He pressed it gently, letting out a short sigh as he heard a silent click, and placed his hands on both sides of the mask, his movements strangely demure. Still no reaction from the Bat, even as Joker started to pull it off, gradually unveiling his face.

The cowl landed on the floor, thrown away like a piece of trash. Joker attempted to lift himself up, but found his body refusing to cooperate as he was too weakened. He wrapped his arms around Bruce's neck and pulled him down, connecting his mouth to his own. Hesitant at first, Bruce gave in and dug his fingers into the blond curls. Finally, he pulled away from the clown, clenched his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He seemed tired, completely spent, both emotionally and physically.

Bruce turned his head around, looking for the mask. He reached for it, put it back on, fixed his codpiece back into place, collected his gloves, and slowly stood up. Not giving the man sprawled across the floor a second look, the Batman disappeared into the night.

Joker remained motionless for a couple of minutes. Finally, he reached down to his pants and pulled them back on. Another minute had passed before he decided to stand up. He brushed specks of dust off his suit, spread his arms in a theatrical shrug and walked out of the warehouse, humming Badfinger's Baby Blue to himself.


♣ ♣ ♣


"What the fuck," Sofia mouthed, lowering the hand holding the camera.

"You know what... I'd like to officially commend you on putting your female intuition to such splendid use," Yaguchi rasped weakly, motioning towards the camera.

"I know, I know. I'm almost too good to be true." Finally Sofia felt her brain get unblocked, and thoughts were once again able to flow as freely as always. "Mosheh, my friend. Say something."

"What... oh." Mosheh shook his head as if trying to get rid of the afterimages. "Was this thing on the whole time?"

"Indeed it was, yes."

"Then, aside from the deeply entrenched trauma, I believe we're now in possession of our very own Bruce Wayne sex tape. And..." The man pinched the bridge of his nose, giving into a confused chuckle. Sofia patted him on the shoulder.

"Yeah. I know. The feeling when the biggest mystery of them all unravels itself in front of your eyes in such style is, how do I put this, stupefying."

"I just can't help but feel sorry for them now." Yaguchi placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it contemplatively.

"Well, you know, I kinda feel sorry for ourselves. I believe we have reached our lifetime limit of luck in the last ten minutes. We need to put the fruit of this expedition to really good use." Sofia puckered her lips and gave the camera a pensive look.