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Megamind sighed for the third time in as many minutes. Minion carefully placed his wrench on the counter and angled himself to get a surreptitious peek at his master. It was obvious that his boss was upset, but less obvious was how to approach him without upsetting him further.

Above all else, Minion prided himself on his servitude, and loved his master unlike any other. The addition of Miss Ritchie to their previous twosome was complicating things, but she seemed fond of Sir, and more importantly, his boss seemed quite smitten, so Minion decided that he would do everything in his powers to ignore his ruffled feathers and support Miss Richie and his Sir in any way he could.

“The modifications on the fractal generator are almost finished,” he chirped brightly through a toothy grin.

Megamind, slumped on desk, rotund noggin pillowed in his arms, merely raised an eyebrow at the machine in question and sighed again.

“Once the parts for the centrifuge arrive, “ Minion continued, “I’ll have it up and running by the end of the week.”

Megamind made a vague gesture with one hand, most likely in agreement, but still did not engage Minion in conversation. This would require a more direct approach. Minion moved to stand behind his master and placed two large hands on the thin, tense shoulders.

“You seem … muh-LON-kalee, Sir.”

“I am, Minion. I am.” He reached a gloved hand around to reassuringly pat Minion’s metallic fingers.

“Well, perhaps I can help! Let’s do something fun. Like Scrabble! Or Evil Uno! Or hey, we could order Chinese!”

“No,” he replied, but he had lifted his head, and was sitting up straighter. “I have my hands full enough with Metrocity, I couldn’t possibly take over such a highly populated country as well. Not to mention, it’s inconveniently located on the other side of the world. Think of the commute!”

“Oh, no Sir,” laughed Minion, pressing his thumbs along the sides of Sir’s spine, “I meant we could order in some food. You DO favour the teriyaki beef.”

Megamind let his head slump forward again, but this time to allow Minion better access to his neck. “And don’t forget the Udon noodles,” he said, “they remind me of the time --ung,” he groaned, as Minion rubbed out a knot on one shoulder, “of the time you --Minion! Honestly, your fingers are like magic!”

Minion grinned gleefully and moved his ministrations down to his boss’s shoulder blades. “I can’t take the credit, Sir. After all, YOU were the one who designed them.”

“And forged and created them,” added Megamind, leaning farther across the desk as Minion’s thumbs rubbed gentle circles down his slender back. Minion’s gaze followed the curve of his spine down to his slim hips and he chewed his lip appreciatively. Megamind cleared his throat and Minion’s attention was drawn back where it belonged.

“Yes!” he agreed, “Cr-created them. Brilliant work, if I do say so, Sir.” Minion held up his mechanical hands, flexing and rotating them as if to prove his point. “If I may be so bold,” he began, expecting to be rebuked, “what part of your now perfect life has gotten you down?”

Megamind pursed his lips and rubbed a hand across the smooth dome of his head. He seemed about to speak, then furrowed his brow, his expression clouding over. “It’s not something I’m prepared to discuss.” He fussed with the latex cuff of one of his gloves, then looked up to Minion, brow still knitted. “And it’s not something you could help me with anyway. Don’t you have some underling duties to attend to? Fan mail to open? Or tomorrow’s attire to lay out?” He spun his chair back around to face the desk, but Minion could still see the muscles in his jaw clenching and un-clenching.

“Of course I can help. It’s my job. My duty. My life! Sir, there is nothing out there to which I wouldn’t be equipped to assist you. Don’t you … trust me anymore?” Minion tried to hold back the need that bled into his plea, but with his boss he was always such an open book. “Just try me. Have I ever failed you before?”

Megamind gave a sad smile and caressed Minion’s glass housing with one gloved finger. “Of course you haven’t. You’ve been a most faithful servant. Brave, and valiant and true. But this is one adversary I’ve not yet come up against, and sadly, one I shall have to face alone.”

“No!” Minion cried, clutching his metallic chest. “You will never be alone! As long as I live and breathe, I will fight for you. Who is this evil scourge? What is the name of the foul beast that has dared to challenge you? I won‘t rest until you‘re safe and free and happy again.”

He shook his blue head slowly and the sad smile returned. “No, Minion, nothing like that. Her name is Roxanne Ritchie, and I fear she may be my undoing.”

“Miss Ritchie?” Minion gasped, “What did she say to you? What has she done to you?” He picked up the abandoned wrench and hefted it from hand to hand. “Do I have to smack a bitch?”

“She’s done nothing!” Megamind cut in, grasping Minion’s forearms and pressing them down. “And I in turn have done nothing to her. And that, my faithful companion, is precisely the problem.” He sucked in a deep breath and slowly blew it out. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m … I am … afraid.”

“Of what?” asked Minion, perplexed. “You could TOTALLY take her. She doesn’t even have any superpowers.”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, my friend. She has beguiling womanly ways. And I don’t want to hurt her, I want to kiss her. And touch her. All over. I want to do things to her that I don’t even understand.”

“Then … why don’t you?”

“I don’t know HOW, Minion. I don’t know the first thing about pleasing a woman. Oh sure, you say, a man with my incredible good looks and magnetic personality could have all the ladies he wanted, but up until now, I’d never wanted any. I hadn’t realized it was an option.”

“You are very handsome, Sir.”

“Yes, yes, I know. It’s a curse. Not many have been gifted with my generous cranium, but I fear that in other departments, I may not … measure up.” He looked to his tight leather pants then back up to Minion, who shrugged.

“I’ve heard,” he started helpfully, “that it’s not the size that matters, but what you do with it.”

“Yes, but what exactly am I supposed to do with it?” He stared at his servant who slowly blinked a few times then shook his head.

“You really don’t know?”

“No,” said Megamind with a shrug.

“For real? You don’t know what it’s for?”

Sir shook his head. “Well, I have a vague idea, but I’ve never had a female companion before. How am I supposed to know of such things?”

Minion blinked again and gave his head a shake. “You, uh, know we have a computer here right?”

“Of course.”

“With internet access?”

“I assume so. I’ve seen the charge on my credit statements. I don‘t see what the computer has to do with my lack of social skills.”

“Wow. This is going to be harder than I thought, but if someone is going to help you learn your way around a woman‘s body, I wouldn‘t want it to be anyone but me.”

“Minion, no offence, but you’re a fish. What could you possibly know about a woman’s body?”

“I’m on Craigslist,” grinned Minion. He held up one finger. “Wait here, I‘ll be back with a surprise.”

“Oooh! That sounds exciting! But first, who is this ‘Craig?’ and why are you on his list?”