Whisper Your Weakness

As the door shut behind Mara, Luke let his head drop in despair. So close, so damn close. Or maybe it hadn’t been. Maybe he was wasting his time. Maybe Mara Jade didn’t feel anything other than lust for him. After Callista had left him, Luke had sworn to himself that he would never give his heart to another woman ever again. Now, here it was less than a year later and he was in the same situation. Desperately in love with a woman who was unwilling or unable to love him in return.

Walking over to his gym bag, he pulled out three silver-colored remotes, pressing a button on each one before tossing them into the air. They hovered there quietly, waiting for a mental command from him to begin their program. Taking a couple of steps backward, Luke pulled his lightsaber from his belt and ignited it, assuming a ready stance.

Luke attempted to let his morose thoughts drain away from him as the remotes began darting around him, steadily firing stun beams at him, but a part of his consciousness stubbornly refused to let the thoughts of Mara and his dilemma leave his mind. Every moment Luke was with her was just a bit longer that he delayed the inevitable heartbreak of the day when she would walk away for the last time, but he could not be the one to end it. He simply couldn’t. Instead, he was like one of the scavengers of underground Coruscant, greedily holding every encounter with her close to his soul, hoping to one day use the memories to deaden the pain.

A cry of frustration welled up in his chest and felt as though it were ripped from him as he brusquely used the Force to make the remotes explode mid-flight. Glancing down at the three ruined piles of metal, Luke took a deep breath, calming himself. No, he would not, could not, let this despair and pain push him towards the Dark Side. He had been there before and he knew that there might not be a return a second time. He couldn’t risk that, not with Leia’s future, and that of her children and the students at the academy, at stake.

Immediately, Luke felt Leia’s mental caress along the bond they shared, showing her obvious worry at the burst of anger he’d just released. Closing his eyes, he sent her a wave of reassurance and smiled at the tender concern she held for him. He thanked the Force for giving him his twin. Without her, Luke would be lost.

That evening found him at his sister’s apartment once more. Luke glanced forlornly at the chrono when it showed 1900 and knew that Mara was gone. He could feel her presence wink out as her ship went to lightspeed. Before he could prevent it, a sigh escaped him.

“Whatsa matter, Unca Luke?” Anakin asked. Luke looked down to see his youngest nephew staring at him with big, blue eyes. Eyes that were so like his own. Sadly, Luke wondered if this would be his only chance to see his own features in a child.

“Nothing, buddy. I was just thinking,” Luke said with a forced smile. Anakin, as young as he was, was very strong with the Force and wasn’t fooled for a minute.

“You miss her,” he said solemnly.

Luke looked at his nephew in shock. “I miss who?” he asked, wondering if his shields were slipping again.

“Mara,” Anakin said. Luke knelt down on one knee so that he was face-to-face with the boy.

“Yes, Mara is a good friend of mine and I do miss her when she’s not here,” Luke said carefully, still looking at Anakin a bit warily.

Anakin smiled and Luke was momentarily taken aback at the serene knowledge the boy projected.

“You love her. Like daddy loves mommy.”

Luke couldn’t help it…his jaw dropped in astonishment. Here he was, a Jedi Master, and a three-year old could read him like a datapad.

“I…uh…well, that is…” he stammered. Anakin continued to gaze at him calmly and Luke suddenly felt as though he could not keep this burden as his alone one second longer. Was it right to share it with a child who was barely past the toddler stage? Luke didn’t know, but then Ani wasn’t an ordinary child.

He looked at Anakin with utter seriousness and said quietly, “Yes, Ani, I do love her the way your daddy loves your mommy. Very much so, in fact.” He reached out and took Anakin’s tiny hands in his own. “But it’s very complicated. Mara-” he broke off, unsure how to explain this in terms that Anakin would understand. “Mara is a very independent woman and she doesn’t really want to get married like your mommy and daddy are.”

“But I want you to marry her. I wanna have a baby cousin so I won’t be the littlest no more.”

Luke laughed softly at that. “I’d love nothing better than that, Ani. But…I don’t think it will happen,” he said, his smile turning a bit melancholy.

“Maybe it will, Unca Luke. The motion is always the future, ‘member?”

Luke laughed a bit harder at Anakin’s mangled recitation of one of his own platitudes and lightly tapped his nephew’s nose. “You’re right, the future is always in motion, buddy.”

He reached out and pulled Anakin into a hug, feeling a pang of wistfulness as the chubby little arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He closed his eyes, again wondering if he would ever get the opportunity to embrace a child of his own this way.

“Listen, buddy, Mara doesn’t like it when people talk about her, so I don’t think you should tell mommy or daddy about this, okay? It’s…well, it’s kind of a private thing between her and me, do you understand?”

Anakin leaned back to give Luke a impish little grin. “Sure, Unca Luke. I’m real good at keepin’ secrets. Just ask Jaya or Jasa!”

Luke had the feeling he really didn’t want to know what secrets Ani knew about his older siblings’ misdeeds. If Leia or Han knew, the twins would probably be grounded for life.

“There you are, Anakin Solo. Didn’t I tell you to wash up for dinner?” Leia said as she came around the corner into the living room.

“I’m going, mommy!” Anakin shouted as he dashed off. Right before he left the room, he turned and gave his uncle a big wink and Luke couldn’t help smiling again.

“What was that all about?” Leia asked suspiciously.

“Just some man stuff, that’s all,” Luke grinned.

Leia sat down on the couch, taking Luke’s hand and pulling him down beside her. She smiled at him softly and Luke knew he was about to get the ‘big sister’ treatment.

“Well, it’s good to see you smile. I was a bit worried after this afternoon.”

“That was nothing, Leia. Just a little frustration leaking out. I got it under control,” he was quick to reassure her. Leia had been somewhat wary of his anger ever since the events on Byss so many years ago.

“Is it this girlfriend of yours that's got you frustrated?”

Luke sighed, knowing he may as well tell her what she wanted to know, at least short of the ‘girlfriend’s’ identity. She’d eventually get it out of him anyway.

“Yes. It’s not going as well as I’d hoped.”

“What’s the problem?” Leia asked, ready to come to her brother’s rescue.

Luke was so tired of dealing with all this emotion on his own. He was longing for someone to share the weight of his feelings with and, as nice as it had felt to tell someone about it, little Ani couldn’t exactly give him any advice. From the moment he had met her, Leia had been his confidant, his other half, and he couldn’t keep this agony from her any longer.

“She’s going to leave me, Leia, I just know it,” Luke said, his voice breaking. His head lowered and he stared at the floor as tears began to fill his eyes. Leia’s arm wrapped around his back and she rested her chin on his shoulder.

“What makes you think that?”

“She won’t let me tell anyone about us. She won’t let our relationship go any deeper than just the physical. She’s never said ‘I love you’ and I’m afraid to say it to her, afraid it will only make her run that much sooner.”

“Do you love her, Luke?”

Luke looked up at his twin, his despair obvious in his eyes. “With everything that I am,” he whispered.

“Then don’t give up on her yet. Force knows, if anyone in this galaxy deserves to be happy, it’s you, Luke. You’ve given so much. I can’t believe that this woman can’t love you. There’s so much in you to love.”

Luke blushed as he ducked his head and a tiny chuckle came from his throat. “Oh, that’s just my sister talking.”

Leia put one of her small hands under his chin and directed his gaze back to her.

“No, it’s not. You are a very special person, Luke, and if this woman can’t see that, then she’s not the one for you. But there is someone out there who is right for you, I know it.”

“And just how do you know that?”

“Hey, you’re not the only one with the Force, you know,” she grinned.

Luke laughed, amazed at the way she could always make him feel better, no matter what trials or tribulations he was going through. He leaned over and captured her in a big hug. “I love you, sis.”

“I love you, too, little brother.”

“Who says you’re older?”

*******************************************

It was more than a month before he heard from her again. Luke had never been one to be idle for long, and the amount of time he’d spent on Coruscant had been the longest of his entire life that he’d gone without having some sort of work to do. So, this last time that Mara had flown out of his life, Luke had begun looking into the possibility of establishing a Jedi Temple on the capital of the New Republic.

His days had been filled with meetings in the Senate and in committees; his evenings had been spent searching for the best location and finding out what equipment and materials he would need. Luke refused to dwell on the thought that he was only trying to keep himself from missing her. With their relatively small numbers, the Jedi needed to be more visible in the galaxy and having a presence on Coruscant was the obvious way to do that. It would also allow him to be with his sister and her family more often. That he would be more likely to see Mara Jade on Coruscant than on Yavin IV was not a reason, or so he attempted to convince himself.

Leia was practically giddy at the thought of her brother being nearby more often. Her enthusiasm in the many meetings he had to attend was infectious and Luke found the path to be easier than it might have been if he’d attempted it on his own. Although, at times he wasn’t certain if it was her enthusiasm or her steel will. Luke had never had the occasion - or the desire, if he was completely honest - to pay attention to what happened in the New Republic Senate, but seeing his sister in action had awed him a little. Leia was a formidable foe, and got what she wanted an impressive majority of the time. Kind of like she does in her private life, Luke thought with a smile.

*Fey’lya is going to think you’re up to something if you keep grinning like that.*

Leia’s voice in his head brought him back to the meeting room they were in with members of the Senate Financial Committee. It had already dragged on for over two hours and Luke’s patience was wearing very thin.

*Let him worry. That’s one being I wouldn’t mind if I never had to talk to again.*

*Now, Luke, he’s an influential member of this council and you shouldn’t offend him.* Her sarcasm was evident even over their Force bond.

*Look who’s talking. I heard about what happened in the military budget meeting yesterday.*

*Ah, he was asking for it.*

“Master Skywalker, your thoughts on what I just said, please?” the arrogant tones of the Bothan senator interrupted his much more pleasant conversation with his sister.

With an inner sigh, Luke focused his attention back on the matters at hand.

Later that evening, he stopped and picked up something to eat before he headed to his apartment. Leia had invited him to have dinner at the Solo residence, but he’d felt the need to be alone tonight and had gently refused. Every once in a while, Luke decided he deserved to be able to wallow in his misery. Never again would he allow himself to succumb to the Dark Side, but there was something to be said for a little self-pity now and then.

Force, he missed Mara! It had been five weeks and not one comm call, not one message. Luke had begun to fear that this was it - that this time, she had decided to end it and he would never taste her lips or feel the warmth of her body again. Walking into his darkened apartment, Luke could feel the weight of his loneliness pulling him down. Maybe this night called for some self-pity and some Corellian whiskey.

Having lost his appetite, Luke tossed the food he’d bought into his refrigeration unit and opened the cabinet where he kept a bottle of Whyren’s Reserve for when Han came to visit. Pouring himself a healthy portion into a glass, Luke threw his head back and swallowed it in one gulp, welcoming the burning sensation that quickly followed. He grimaced as he looked at the bottle and pondered whether he should drink the whole thing.

“Aren’t you going to share, Farmboy?”

Luke whirled around in shock, his senses barely registering Mara leaning against the door frame with a smirk on her face before he dropped the bottle of whiskey. He just managed to catch it with the Force before it shattered all over the floor, pulling it back to his hand before setting it on his counter with a clatter.

“Mara! What…when did you get back? How did you get in here?”

She sauntered across the kitchen and reached a hand out to run a finger seductively down his chest. “I got back just about an hour ago and I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?”

Luke could only nod, half of him wondering if he hadn’t already drunk all the whiskey and he was just imagining her. She was in a good mood, teasing him, and she seemed to have forgotten the slightly awkward parting they’d had. Well, that was fine with him. As long as she was here, Luke wasn’t going to question why. At least, not right at this moment.

“As for how I got in, well, I haven’t forgotten all my training, you know.”

“Why didn’t I sense you?”

“I’ve been practicing my shielding. How’d I do, Master?” she grinned.

“Really well. You almost gave me a heart attack,” Luke said with a wry smile.

Mara stepped even closer to him, reaching up to hold the front of his shirt with both of her hands, tugging gently to bring his face within centimeters of hers. Luke’s breath quickened as he felt the heat of her lips barely brush his own.

“I certainly don’t want to give you a heart attack, Skywalker. I’ve kind of missed you. Have you missed me?” she whispered.

“More than you could ever know,” Luke groaned and pulled her to him, crushing her mouth with his own. He knew there were issues between them that needed to be addressed, but at the moment, with her willing body in his arms after so long, he didn’t give a damn.

Luke reached down and put his arm under her knees, scooping her off her feet and carrying her swiftly to his bedroom. Laying her gently down on the bed, Luke slowed his pace and reverently undressed her. Unlike the usual frenzy of their first time after a long separation, Luke made love to Mara as though he were worshipping her, with every kiss and caress trying to show her without words how much he adored her.

When he finally joined his body with hers, the pure beauty of it took his breath away and Luke had to restrain himself from shouting out his love for her. As he began to move within her, steadily thrusting deeply into her core, Luke watched her beneath him. Mara was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, her red-gold hair spread out like a fan around her face; her head thrown back, eyes closed in ecstasy; her back arched towards him, allowing him to take her breast into his mouth.

When he did so, Mara’s hands clung ever tighter to his shoulders, her cry echoing around the room. Luke had learned over their affair just how to touch her to drive her insane and he took full advantage of that knowledge now. He wanted her to realize what she would be missing if she walked away from him. Perhaps that was sexist and unfair, but Luke didn’t care. At this point, he was willing to stoop that low to keep Mara with him.

His climax followed hers within a heartbeat, the force of it volatile after having been apart from her for so long. Luke lay atop Mara for a long moment, his head resting on her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around his back, both of them breathing heavily from their exertions.

“Wow,” Mara breathed.

“I’ll second that,” Luke said.

He shifted over to lay on his side behind her, pulling her into his chest and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Softly, he kissed her temple.

“You can surprise me like that anytime, Jade.”

“Duly noted,” Mara chuckled.

“Tell me how this trade run went. Any problems?” Luke asked.

He lay there quietly, content to listen to her talk, making the appropriate comment now and then, but part of his mind was working up the courage to ask her about something very important to him.

Mara must have been able to feel a bit of his inattention, because she paused and turned her head to glare at him, only half-seriously.

“What’s on your mind, Skywalker?”

Luke thought it was very brave of Mara to ask that question, knowing as she did what it was that he would most likely want to talk about. He decided to take that as a good sign, but as it happened, that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to discuss.

“Leia’s having a birthday party for Han next week. I know she’s going to invite you anyway and I want you to go with me,” he said, waiting a little nervously for the explosion.

To his surprise, it didn’t come. Instead she sighed and paused for so long, he thought she was just going to ignore him.

“As in, the two of us as a couple, like a date?” she asked quietly.

“Yes.”

Mara sighed again and Luke could sense her indecision and her fear.

“Mara, what are you afraid of?” he asked intently. That was a query that could also set her off, but she must have been in a very mellow mood because she actually tried to answer him, even though he felt it as her muscles tensed.

“I don’t know. I just know that I think of what it would mean to be with you completely, like Han and Leia, and it scares me to death. I’m not sure if I’m capable of that kind of commitment, Luke.”

Luke tightened his hold on her and leaned forward to caress her cheek with his mouth. “ ‘Whisper your weakness to me, and I will lend you my strength’,” he murmured.

“What?”

“It’s an old Tatooine saying. It means just what it says. Share your weaknesses with me and I’ll share my strengths with you.”

“And what about your weaknesses, Skywalker?” she asked and he could hear the slight challenge in her tone.

“That’s the thing, Jade. It works both ways.”

She didn’t say anything more, but Luke somehow knew that she was silently contemplating his words. As he drifted off to sleep, the naïve farmboy from Tatooine allowed himself to feel true hope for the first time in a very long while.

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