Succumb

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"Love is the ideal thing,
marriage a real thing;
a confusion of the real
with the ideal never
goes unpunished."

Johann Goethe


Clandestine arrangements hastily made. Jedi mind tricks utilized despite my vehement objections to keep people from remembering the unwitting roles they played. A secret ceremony performed by an anonymous Nubian holy man at the remote lakeside retreat.

There were no joyous family members standing by as witnesses, no friends present to offer loving congratulations. Only our two loyal droids were there to observe our recitation of the simple vows on the balcony overlooking the lake and mountains.

The absence of those I held dear weighed heavily on my conscious. The rare times in the past when I had dared to dream about what my wedding day would be like, never had I imagined that it would be as it was. No mother or father to look on with pride, no sister to offer words of advice, no friends to throw the traditional flower petals as they departed.

At the time I had felt the loss of their presence quite keenly. But later I would be forever thankful that only Threepio and Artoo were there; that only they had been put at risk.


****

Anakin and I stood facing each other in the late afternoon sunshine as the ancient words of the Nubian wedding ceremony floated about us on the gentle breeze. The man I loved with a depth that shook me stood tall and proud before me; his black Jedi robe standing in for the traditional wedding finery. Warm blue eyes held my gaze unwaveringly as I quietly repeated the words that made me his in the eyes of the law and the gods.

Up until the last vow was uttered and the blessing given, I could sense Anakin's anxiety. Traces of uncertainty glimpsed that night in my cabin shadowed his eyes as he watched me intently; afraid even then I might change my mind. Only fear of invalidating the ceremony by unwittingly breaching some unknown Nubian wedding tradition kept him from reaching out to firmly encircle my waist and reassure himself that I could not back away even if I tried.

He need not have worried. Anakin's almost childlike fear that I would abandon him at the last second had the same effect on me as it had that night in the garage on Tatooine. I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him to me forever. Anakin was the drug that kept my blood warm and my heart beating steadily. And I….I was his addiction.

"I'm going to marry you."

The words of the Anakin of long ago echoed in my mind. I had not believed him when he had made that startling announcement within minutes of our first meeting - though it had been more prediction than anything else. A shiver coursed through me despite the warmth of the sunshine. I found myself wondering what other visions Anakin might have had.

Near ceremony's end he took hold of my hands and squeezed them reassuringly. All traces of fear and uncertainty had vanished as if they had never existed. In their place was an arrogant triumph that was etched in every line of his face and in the set of his strong shoulders.

//Mine//

Within his warm grasp my hands trembled in response to that one word weaving itself into my mind. I barely noticed when the holy man invoked the last blessing and walked away, leaving us alone once more.

So it was done. We were married.

Gentle but determined pressure from Anakin pulled me forward. He brushed his lips against mine in what was merely a promise of a kiss. The barely restrained power emanating from him was palatable. It was as if he were afraid he would be unable to stop if he did not keep his passion on a tight leash. I pulled away under his solemn gaze, a warm blush rising to my cheeks at the desire glinting in those riveting eyes.

Anakin told me he knew our wedding was not what I had always dreamed it would be. He promised me that he would make it up to me.

And I believed him.


****

I lied to Obi Wan and the Jedi Council. It was the first of many to come.

The orders Anakin had been given would have seen him on the public transport the morning after our arrival on Naboo. In order to gain necessary time we decided to blame his delay on complications arising from the mechanical arm he had been fitted with on the Coruscant's Pride; an infection serious enough to keep him from traveling but not serious enough to bring Obi Wan rushing to his apprentice's side. Since it was Anakin who was supposedly out of commission it fell to me to speak to his masters.

The hour long Holonet meeting was grueling but in the end it was easier than I thought it would be. Still it had taken all of my political and diplomatic skills to keep my face an impassive mask as I faced Obi Wan and Master Windu. Dressed in my most austere senatorial ensemble, more for the false sense of courage it afforded than anything else, I explained the situation to the two Jedi. I fought back the sick feeling that came over me as I perpetuated one lie after another.

Over Master Windu's shoulder I could see Obi Wan's face, his expression clearly broadcasting his displeasure with the turn of events. But with the falsified medical report before them they did not have any choice but to agree that Anakin would need to convalesce for a few days before heading back to Coruscant.

Master Windu moved off screen and Obi Wan took his place. Green eyes every bit as intense as Anakin's searched mine for any sign that would justify a reversal of the Jedi Council's decision or give him an excuse to come to Naboo. A deep sense of sadness filled me as I realized that the secret Anakin and I shared had turned Obi Wan into an adversary. And for that I was truly sorry.

"Milady, I thank you for your kindness to my Padawan. Should any problems arise please contact me immediately. I wish you well, Senator Amidala."

With mixed emotions, I watched the image of Obi Wan fade away. The polite farewell had held an odd note that made me bristle. The words had been correct and courteous but both his tone and the expression in his eyes had been flat and disinterested. It was as if he were merely going through the motions to appease social convention in front of Master Windu.

I did not like it. Every since he had witnessed my comforting his wounded apprentice in the hangar on Geonosis he had treated me with chilly suspicion and it stung.

Irritably, I pushed Obi Wan from my mind. The next call I was to make needed my full attention.

"Contact Senator Organa, Coruscant. Senatorial offices."


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"Jealousy, and therefore love,
are increased when one
suspects his beloved."

Andreas Capellanus


For appearances sake, Anakin and I did not share a room. Instead we took up residence in the same rooms we had occupied on our previous stay. It mattered little. Our rooms were next to each other and shared a common balcony. The fact that Anakin had been assigned to protect me provided us with the necessary cover of propriety should questions have arisen.

Anakin was nowhere to be found when I returned. The calls I had made after speaking with the Jedi had taken longer than I had expected but they had been long overdue and unavoidable. I was determined to do everything in my power to bring the war to a halt. My greatest hope lay in the group of politicians with whom I had worked so closely with in opposition to the Military Creation Act. That initiative had failed due to circumstances beyond our control but we were a strong presence in the Senate and with the influence of Bail Organa we were a force to be reckoned with.

With considerable effort I dismissed thoughts of the war and all the work I had yet to do. Checking the chrono I found that I had missed dinner by over an hour. After my uncomfortable meeting with Obi Wan and the subsequent talk of war with a few of my fellow politicians, I had no appetite left anyway.

So with nothing left to do but wait for Anakin, I went to change out of my formal clothing and prepare for bed; all the while trying to ignore the image of Obi Wan staring accusingly at me over the other Jedi Master's shoulder.


****

I was sitting on the cushioned seat and staring into the flames of the small brazier fire when Anakin finally returned.

The flickering light was casting eerie shadows around the darkened room; an unwelcome reminder of that nightmare that continued to plague my sleep on and off. The shiver that ran down my spine had nothing to do with the cool breeze that feathered against my skin.

Suspicious green eyes filled my vision. Pleasant words uttered in cool tones. The cold attitude the Jedi Master had adopted towards me bothered me more than I cared to admit.

But he was not always cold, I reminded myself with a frown of unease. There had been that odd glint in his eyes when he had looked so disparagingly at my tattered outfit the day Anakin was released from the medical bay. At the time I had dismissed it as a product of my overwrought imagination. But that had been before our unusual encounter the day we departed from the Geonosis system.

It had been early afternoon on the day I had accepted Anakin's proposal and, unbeknownst to either of us, Obi Wan had returned to the ship, the investigations on Geonosis having finally come to a conclusion. I was on my way to the bridge after having left Anakin to his meditations, when my path had crossed with the Jedi Master's in one of the empty corridors.

It had been an innocent exchange. Obi Wan had remarked that I looked overly tired to which I had replied that my workload did not allow for the luxury of much sleep. It was polite conversation, nothing more.

After a few more moments of small talk he excused himself to go speak with Anakin. It was then that the situation had taken a strange turn. Obi Wan made to pass me but suddenly stopped with an apologetic smile hovering on his lips. I could only stare dumbfounded as he took my hand and pressed a kiss to its back as if we were being introduced at some Coruscant ball. The memory of Anakin doing the very same thing hours earlier made my heart turn over in my chest.

It was with supreme effort that I managed to refrain from snatching my hand away.

"I hope I did not offend by remarking that you looked tired, milady. As always you are lovely no matter the circumstances." He said in his rich, cultured accent that sounded like warm honey.

I had found myself sinking into Obi Wan's gaze as his green eyes sparked and his hand tightened almost imperceptibly around mine before he released me. My feet refused to move as the Jedi continued past me, his shoulder casually brushing against me - though there was plenty of space in which he could have easily avoided contact. I turned to watch Obi Wan until he turned the corner, his robe fluttering out behind him like a sail in the breeze. I could not shake the frisson of unease that skated down my spine at his uncharacteristic behavior.

Snatches of overheard conversations from long ago came suddenly to mind; whispered talk that had been hurriedly hushed as soon as they became aware I was near; silly giggling behind their hands. In the aftermath of the Trade Federation invasion, I had paid scant attention to the gossip but as I thought back I recalled there had been talk of Obi Wan and the oldest of my handmaidens. At the time I had given it little attention or interest but now….

Attachment is forbidden but intimacy was not. Anakin had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that celibacy was not mandatory among the Jedi.

It took the loud call of a wild tasokla bird flying somewhere across the lake to draw my attention back to the present. A smile of remembrance touched my lips. The tasokla was one of the birds we had always had such a hard time naming because its haunting call mirrored that of another less exotic species. Wistful nostalgia for that innocent time lost added another note of melancholy to my mood.

If there was any moment in my life that I wished I could go back and change it would be what immediately followed.

My thoughts had again drifted back to the Holonet communication with Obi Wan when I felt a touch at my shoulder. Lost in the hypnotic dance of the flames, I uttered the name of the one person who, until that moment, Anakin had not considered a threat. The seeds of doubt and suspicion were planted by my own clumsy hand. My unintentional uttering of his Master's name widened the small fissure that already existed between Anakin and Obi Wan - such an innocent mistake to play such a detrimental role in our combined destinies.

The hand at the nape of my neck stilled and then slowly withdrew. A cold prickle of dread spread up my neck and scalp as I realized the importance Anakin would give to my innocent slip of tongue. With a pounding heart, I bowed my head to stare at my tightly clasped hands resting in my lap. He had been so jealous of my first kiss with Palo and that had been when I was barely more than a child, I thought with a growing sense of hysteria.

Gods, what had I done?

Numbly, I remained frozen in place, listening to the ominous sound of Anakin's boots on the marble floor as they moved around to the front of the seating area. When the sound stopped directly in front of me I could not bear to meet his eyes.

I should have been angry at myself for allowing Anakin to have that much power over me. Deep down in that secret place where the remains of the old Padmé resided, I was. But that little voice that mocked my inability to stand up and confront Anakin about his unreasonable suspicions did not have to face the possessive and often volatile Jedi.

The rustle of cloth mixed with the sound of creaking leather as Anakin sank down on his haunches before me. I could hear his uneven breathing over the crackle of the fire and the hammering of the blood in my ears. When he took my right hand in his metal one, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

My eyes flew up only to find that Anakin was not looking at my face but at the hand he was holding. He ran a finger over its back experimentally, his lips moving silently as if in prayer. When he finally raised his eyes to mine there was a look in them that I had only seen once before and had hoped to never see again. It was a look that spoke of loss, anger, and infinite pain; the look that he had worn when he asked me why his mother had had to die.

Tears pricked the back of my eyelids unaccountably. I knew that I was seeing the death of something but it would be several years before I realized the real extent of the damage that I had inadvertently caused.

"He kissed your hand, didn't he?" Anakin asked suddenly.

His voice was quiet but thrummed with some indefinable but hostile emotion. The words sounded like an ominous death knell to my ears. The tone he used when asking that question froze the words in my throat and I could only stare blankly back.

"Don't lie to me, Padmé."

His words were made all the more chilling by the almost pleasant tone he used. I shuddered under his fierce gaze. Still unable to find my voice, I nodded slowly in response, transfixed by the way his eyes were turning from blue to black.

"As always you are lovely no matter the circumstances." Anakin quoted softly, mimicking Obi Wan's words perfectly right down to the polished accent.

"How did you know?" The question tumbled from my lips before I could stop it.

Anakin's eyes hardened as he held my bewildered gaze. I could feel the slight tremor that shook his body through the contact of our hands.

"I know as I know everything about you, Padmé." His gaze softened. "You're so easy to read."

I blanched, shaken at the import of Anakin's words. I felt stripped bare, exposed and vulnerable. Nothing seemed to be mine alone; not my thoughts, my body nor even my soul.

Anakin stared right through me with a glazed look in his eyes; seeing something that was only visible to him. My heart thumped wildly in my chest and my breath was shallow as I waited in the tense silence that had my nerves on edge. After what seemed like an eternity he dragged his eyes back to mine, sliding his hands up my arms to cradle my face between his hands.

A calloused thumb wiped away the solitary tear that I had been unaware of shedding. My entire body was cold, my skin felt like ice. All I could think of was the way Anakin had lost control that night in the garage when he had allowed his anger and pain to consume him.

A smile that did not quite reach his eyes curved Anakin's lips. I remained motionless as he suddenly rose up on his knees but when he went to lean in I could not stop myself from flinching. The hands cupping my face tightened, keeping me from pulling away.

My breath caught in my throat when Anakin brought his mouth to slide against mine.

"It's alright. It wasn't your fault." He said against my lips on a whisper. "I don't blame you."

There was something lurking in the dark pools of his eyes as he murmured that reassurance that set my body trembling. Logically he may have known that I was innocent of any transgression but logic did not come into play when it came to Anakin's feelings for me. That was a lesson I had learned all too well.

I wanted to interject, to explain that there was nothing with which to fault anyone but Anakin's lips closed over mine making speech and rational thought obsolete.

I could feel the anger and pain that was driving him. It was in the hard line of his lips, the rough hands that slipped down to cup and squeeze my breasts through their thin covering; and it was in the possessive tone of the words that resounded in my head.

//Su et'ell mi bey na//

Under the hot pressure of his insistent mouth my lips parted to welcome him inside despite the trepidation that was threatening to break me. The first touch of his tongue against mine drew staggered moans from both of our throats. Heat rose within me, fanning out swiftly to singe every part of my body and set my nerve endings on fire.

//Ket ay mi su ni'ell. To ney et ta//

I did not understand the literal translation of the harsh words; I did not have to for I knew their meaning. Anakin spoke to reaffirm his claim, to warn others away, and to remind me that I belonged to him; and more importantly to reassure himself that he alone possessed me.

The reasons and motivations behind his relentless kiss and insistent hands faded away. The feel of his hungry mouth upon mine, the touch of his hands on my body, the pulses of desire shooting their way upwards took precedent over everything else.

A groan rumbled in Anakin's chest as I met his kiss with equal passion, our tongues mating with a fierceness that sent the blood singing in my veins. Desperate for more contact, I pressed forward to meet him with my own blind hunger. My hands roughly tangled in his hair. Soft mewling cries reverberated in the back of my throat, the intensity of his touch overwhelming my senses.

I forgot everything under the spell that Anakin wove around us as he moved down my neck with nibbles and wet kisses, nipping at the tender flesh with an increasing frenzy, my whimpers driving him onwards.

Sliding down to my breasts, he first moistened the fabric over the tip and then sucked the hardened nipple into his hot mouth. I cried out sharply and my head fell back under the magic his skillful use of teeth and tongue generated.

Anakin lifted his head for a brief moment, a crooked smile of satisfaction at my response on his face. Eyes locked with mine, I watched as Anakin slowly lowered his dark blonde head to my other breast to envelope the aroused tip. A harsh breath hissed past my lips. The sight of him suckling me sent a rush of heat between my thighs and I moaned Anakin's name over and over as he continued to play my body with sensuous expertise.

The hem of my nightgown slinked up my thighs. Rough hands gripped my bare hips and with a jerk I was pulled forward to the edge of my seat. No longer trapped by the weight of my body, my freed nightgown was pulled up and stripped away. Dazed, I shakily brushed strands of hair from my face to find Anakin staring up at me from between my thighs, eyes glittering in the flickering firelight.

The air stirred against my skin.

"My wife." He breathed almost to himself before placing a soft kiss against the flesh of my thigh.

When he looked back up his eyes were hot and wild. I could not tear myself away from the image of Anakin crouched at my feet like a rapacious animal on the prowl, predatory and dangerous. Hot breath tickled my flesh seconds before his tongue snaked out to taste the delicate skin of my inner thigh, leaving a moist path in its wake.

Despite everything that had passed between us up to that point, that new act overwhelmed me. Anakin took the same delight in scandalizing me sexually as he did in undermining my reserved exterior. It seemed he was intent on shocking me every time we made love, making no allowances for my lack of experience.

The sudden and unwelcome image of Anakin making love with some faceless woman came abruptly to mind. Jealousy viciously stabbed me in the gut. All the ways he knew how to touch and arouse a woman had to have come from somewhere. That painful truth, suppressed since the picnic in the meadow, choked me, the razor sharp band around my heart tightened.

Anakin felt the tensing of my body and he whispered soothing words against my skin. His roughened cheek nuzzled me while his hands stroked and caressed me.

Ruthlessly, I pushed the poisonous thought aside, wiping the vision of Anakin with another woman from my sight. He loved ME. He married ME. Everything else was in the past. With great effort I focused my attention back on the present.

With delicate precision, Anakin started to work his way up to his intended destination. The torturous pace he set ended abruptly when he reached the juncture of my thighs. At the first intimate touch of his tongue, I cried out in surprise and my back bowed under the sweet sensation of slow, hungry licks. There were no more thoughts of pulling away; it was all I could do to maintain my grip in his hair and hold on to my sanity as the pressure began to build.

Reality blurred and distorted under his sensuous ministrations. When two fingers slicked inside me to rub that sweet spot, my head thrashed helplessly from side to side. The hot, wet suction and the feel of his crooked fingers thrusting into me worked together to push and shove me relentlessly higher and higher.

Increasingly incoherent cries were torn one after another from my pleasure racked body as Anakin made love to me with his mouth and hands.

//Ke'le mi, Padmé. Som mi'le tu eta//

Metal fingers bit into the skin of my hip with punishing force, leaving marks that would soon turn to yet more bruises. When I looked down to see cobalt eyes staring up at me as his mouth and fingers drove me to the edge, I was lost completely.

Only Anakin's name was on my lips, delicious tremors rising to steal my breath away. The pressure from deep within me instantly crested and broke wide open. Hot, sweet waves rolled through me, rippling outwards in ever widening circles to touch every part of my body. My mind was no longer working in conjunction with my body. I was simply reacting to the pulses of desire coursing through me.

Slowly, very slowly, I came back to myself. Weary but sated, I slumped back against the cushions of the couch trying to recover my breath. My entire body trembled with the aftershocks of my release and a fine sheen of perspiration glistened on my skin.

Anakin was resting his cheek on the slope of my abdomen, one hand caressing my hip with languorous strokes. After a few seconds, he reached out to take possession once again of the hand that Obi Wan had kissed. His warm breath feathered across my damp flesh, drawing a shiver from me.

Fearful of Anakin falling into a brooding silence, or worse, I resolved to distract him from dwelling on the imagined transgression of his Master. Letting my fingers slid through his hair, I whispered his name.

Reluctantly, it seemed, he tore his eyes away from the study of my hand to meet my gaze. I grasped his hand in mine and smiled.

"Take me to bed."

Anakin stared at me for a long moment and then a smile spread across his face. I breathed an inward sigh of relief at the welcome sight. Time enough to reason with him about the unfortunate incident and what I was convinced was misunderstood motives.

Rising up quickly, Anakin tugged me to my feet and swung me up into his arms. His lips were warm and firm, gentle and sweet against mine. Anakin poured everything into that kiss; love, adoration, desire, reverence, ownership. It was a kiss unlike any we had shared before and the depth of the love behind it brought tears to my eyes. I buried my face into the crook of Anakin's neck as he carried me towards our marriage bed.

Anakin was my husband, my future, and my life.

Ultimately he was also my destroyer.


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"We are never deceived;
we deceive ourselves."

Johann Goethe


For two months I had been besieged. Isolated for the most part from family and friends, from what was ordinary and familiar, I had fought Anakin like a helpless swimmer caught in a dangerous undertow far from shore. Resisting the inevitable as my struggles grew weaker and weaker until giving in was the only escape that offered a chance for peace.

Exhausted, confused, in love – it was so much easier to just let go, to stop fighting and slip under the surface to drown in Anakin's eyes. When all was said and done, there was a certain relief to be found in surrendering an indefensible position, in relinquishing control. Yielding was the key to my freedom….. and my imprisonment.

Anakin's strength and will had lent me the courage to defy convention; to reach out with both hands and grasp greedily at the promise of love and happiness. For a little while I would be able to hold them both in the cradle of my arms, nurturing them as the precious things that they were; while at the same time ignoring the signs that my world was about to come crashing down around me.

Denial is a powerful crutch. I refused to acknowledge the rumors that came to my ears and the whispered warnings that sounded in my head. It took a very long time before those whispers turned into sobbing screams; before my heart cracked and splintered under the weight of the encroaching darkness.

My inability to see beyond Anakin cost me everything.