Whisper Your Weakness

Because I'm in a good mood and I don't want to make y'all hang any longer...although nothing much happens in this chapter except some grieving. Lots of grieving, actually. Angel_Mine and DMS, thank you for your lovely reviews! Your enthusiasm really warms my heart. nighthawk008, er, sorry to have ruined your day, but it IS just a little SW story. And sorry if I got Wedge out of character...he was what is known as a 'plot device'. I had to have some semi-plausible way to get Luke into harm's way!

Chapter Sixteen

The news had flown around Coruscant like wildfire by the next day…Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, the galaxy’s favorite son, was dead. Citizens began to gather outside the Manari Medical Center, mourning and wanting to catch a glimpse of the last Princess of Alderaan.

The masses were sorely out of luck in hoping to see Leia, however. She had closed herself up in her room to grieve for her twin in privacy. She would not even allow Han or the children inside. Leia knew it was selfish, but she simply needed some time to adjust to being without her brother.

She lay curled into a tight little ball in the middle of her bed, using every bit of her fledgling Force abilities to recall every moment she’d ever spent with Luke. Leia wanted to hold those memories in her heart and in her head, for fear that she would begin to forget. She had difficulty sometimes calling Bail Organa’s face to her mind, and the thought of not being able to picture Luke’s face frightened her.

Leia felt as though she had lost the last piece of who she really was. Luke and his friendship had been the only thing that had saved her sanity after Alderaan. He had been the only one who could soothe her breaking heart in those long months without Han after Bespin. Even when he had come so close to following in their father’s footsteps at Byss, it had been her and the love she had for him that brought him back.

She had not even been to see his body. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to do so. Leia wanted to remember him as the last time she’d seen him, when he’d been smiling that brilliant smile and had seemed so happy. It had been a long time since she had seen her little brother that happy.

Little brother…

Never again would she hear that cocky tone in his voice as he said ‘Who says you’re older?’ Fresh tears began to fall as she thought of a hundred small things that she would miss so very much. The way he still blushed when someone told an off-color joke; the way he and Han would good-naturedly argue about who was the better pilot; the way he was so patient and gentle with Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin; the way he always had time for every question the young students at his Academy could ask.

Lingering on the thought of the last time she had seen him, Leia remembered the ring he had bought. She sat up with a gasp. Somewhere on Coruscant, there was a young woman who was as devastated as Luke’s sister was. Unfortunately, Leia had no way of knowing who the woman Luke had given his heart to was. It would certainly be very difficult for Luke’s family to seek her out. Leia could only pray that Luke’s girlfriend would come to them.

She had the unexpected urge to go to Luke’s apartment and find that ring. Leia wanted to be able to hold something that had been so important to Luke. And when his fiancée showed up, Leia would give it to her and welcome her to the family. It would be like still having a little part of Luke with them.

For the first time since finding out that she had lost her brother, Leia felt a sense of purpose. Even if it was something as trivial as holding that ring, it gave her the courage to get up off the bed where she had lain for over twenty-four standard hours. As she moved to get up, her long hair got snagged under her elbow and she gave a little gasp of pain.

Carefully raising her elbow off the strands, she sat up and gathered some of her hair in her fingers. Staring at it blankly, Leia felt as though she were looking at some strange foreign object. This hair, which she had not cut in almost twenty years, was a symbol of the royal house of Alderaan, of Princess Leia Organa. And did that woman exist anymore, really? The last tie to that stranger was gone with her brother’s death.

Standing up, Leia moved into the refresher that was connected to her and Han’s bedroom. As though in a daze, she opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. Giving herself no time to think, she took hold of a chunk of hair and ruthlessly squeezed the scissors through it. The discarded hair fell like wispy clouds around her feet as she methodically sliced all of it off at the level of her chin.

When she was done, Leia looked at the woman in the mirror with a detached expression. Yes, that was better. This person was half of who she used to be, just as Leia was half of what she had once been with Luke.

Leia looked down at her rumpled clothing in disgust. She couldn’t go to Luke’s apartment and find the ring looking like this! Stripping down to her bare skin, Leia stepped into the shower, rinsing away the grime of the last day, wishing that she could as easily rinse away the pain in her heart. Her head felt strange, so much lighter than before. She ran her fingers through her newly shorn locks and wondered what Luke would have thought of the look.

She closed her eyes against the rush of anguish just thinking Luke’s name brought to her. Leia wondered how long it would be before that ache wasn’t quite so sharp. Stepping out of the shower, she ran her fingers through her hair again, oddly relieved that she wouldn’t have to spend forever arranging it anymore. She simply picked up a comb and worked out the tangles and then left it hanging, still wet, around her face.

Standing in front of her closet, she was at a momentary loss as to what she should wear. Nothing seemed to be right, until her eyes fell on a black pant suit. It had been a gift from Luke that she had never worn, because Leia never wore black…that was his color. She picked up the sleeve, letting the silky material run over her fingers and then pulled the ensemble out to hold it up to her chest in front of the mirror. Yes, this would do. This would be perfect. Black was the color of mourning on some worlds, wasn’t it? And the color would make her feel closer to Luke.

When she opened the bedroom door, four pairs of eyes shot towards her anxiously. She felt a twinge of guilt at ignoring them for the last day, especially the children. They would be missing their Uncle Luke and they probably didn’t understand why he had been taken from them so soon. I’ll make it up to them, but first I have to go get that ring. Leia didn’t understand why the ring had taken on such importance, she only knew that it had and she wouldn’t be able to rest and begin healing until she had it in her hand.

“I have to go to Luke’s apartment.”

“Sweetheart, are you sure you’re ready for that?” Han asked. She could see his eyes staring in disbelief at her hair, but he didn’t say anything.

“Yes. There’s something there that I want to get. I want to make sure it doesn’t get lost.”

“Mommy, your hair,” Jaina said with disappointment. Jaina had looked forward to having her hair be as long as her mother’s in the Alderaanian tradition.

“It was just hair, Jaina. It’s not important anymore,” Leia said quietly.

Anakin walked over and leaned against her leg, slipping his small hand into hers. “I like it, Mommy,” he said with a shy smile as he looked up at her.

Leia smiled gently back down at him and ruffled his hair lightly. Han got up off the couch and moved to stand in front of her. She looked up at him and again felt the twinges of guilt. Han had loved Luke like a brother as well, and she could easily read the suffering in his eyes. He lifted one hand and touched her hair, wrapping a few strands around one finger.

“I like it, too, your highnessness,” he said softly.

“Me, too,” Jacen piped up, not wanting to be left out.

“Well, I guess I like it, too, then,” Jaina said, only a little grudgingly.

Leia gave them all a wavering smile, the tears forming before she could stop them. A muffled little sob escaped her and then she gasped as Han swept her towards him in a fierce embrace. She melted into his strength, clinging to him as the children huddled around their legs.

“Oh, Han. How can I ever bear this?” she whispered in despair.

“Because you won’t have to do it alone, Princess. We’re right here with you, I promise,” Han said hoarsely.

********************************************

By the time the Wild Karrde reached Coruscant, Mara Jade’s emotions had slipped behind a wall so thick that no one could penetrate it. Talon had attempted to question her about what had happened on the bridge two days ago, but she gave him no answers. She had stiffly apologized for shoving him up against the bulkhead, but said nothing further.

Of course, long before they reached the capitol of the New Republic, they had heard the news of Master Luke Skywalker’s death over the holonet. Immediately, Talon sent Mara a shrewd glance and she figured that he had surmised that his second-in-command must have ‘felt’ whatever happened through the Force. He didn’t question her about it, however, and she mused sardonically that he probably wasn’t willing to risk life and limb again in order to do so.

When they landed, Mara told Talon bluntly that she was going to see Han and Leia, not willing to wait for him to give her permission. She was so closed up emotionally, that it didn’t even faze Mara when he gently reproved her by saying that he would like to see the Solos as well.

When the two of them arrived at Leia and Luke’s apartment building, they had to fight their way through a mob of curious onlookers and holoshills. Recognizing the trader and his fiery-haired employee as friends of the Skywalker/Solo clan, the reporters began shouting out questions, all of which were ignored. Until one particularly brave - or foolhardy - soul posed the suggestion, in a rather crude fashion, that there had been something more than friendship between Mara Jade and the Jedi Master.

Mara’s head whipped around and her hand shot out faster than anyone could see to grab the man by the front of his tunic, jerking him up onto his tiptoes. Those nearby who could see what was happening gaped in astonishment.

“You keep your filthy mouth shut about things you know nothing about,” Mara snarled.

The man simply gulped in fear, the look on Mara’s face undoubtedly frightening the wits out of him. Talon reached over and placed his hand on her arm.

“Let him go, Mara. People who get their enjoyment from another’s pain are not worth your trouble.”

The redhead glared at the offensive man for another full ten seconds before she finally released him and turned to move past the crowds. NRS had set up a small corridor with barriers through the mob so that friends of the family, as well as investigators, could make their way through more easily.

At the door to the building, there were several guards stationed, checking the identification of everyone who attempted to gain entry. Mara chafed under these delays, but knew they were necessary.

On the ride up to Leia’s top-level suite, Mara withdrew even further into herself, trying to ward off the pain of remembering the last time she’d been in this very turbolift. She and Luke had just spent an incredibly magic night together and he had asked her to marry him. As the lift passed Luke’s floor, two below Leia’s, Mara’s stomach clenched and she forcefully pushed the agony deeper behind the walls she was building. Talon looked at her with a worried expression as she stood there, still as a statue, but he didn’t say anything.

Lando Calrissian opened the door for them and behind him, Mara could see several other people milling about. They greeted one another somberly, Lando waving them inside the spacious apartment. Luke’s mourners were standing and sitting in various places around the room, talking quietly in small groups.

“Mara, Talon. We tried to contact you, but couldn’t get through. Course, I figured you’d already heard,” Han Solo said as he walked up to them.

Talon gave Han a sympathetic look as they shook hands. “We were off-planet, but yes, we’d already heard. The news traveled quite fast.”

“Yeah, bad news usually does,” Han said sadly.

“Is there any information on who did this?” Mara asked, almost demanded. Han looked at her a little strangely before replying.

“No, not so far. The NRS boys couldn’t find any prints, there were no witnesses except for Syal Antilles and she’s so traumatized, she can’t really remember anything.”

“What does Syal have to do with this?” Mara asked.

Han gave a sigh, having forgotten that they’d kept the Antilles family out of the news for fear of repercussions against them. The only ones they were telling the whole story to were basically the ones already in the room with them. Briefly, he told them of Syal’s kidnapping and Wedge’s plea to Luke for help.

Mara cursed softly at the part where Luke went into a dangerous situation alone and without his lightsaber. Farmboy, I wish you were alive so I could kill you myself. Oh, sith, I just wish you were alive! Damn it, I am NOT going to cry in front of all these people!

She turned away sharply as she could feel the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. Frustrated at showing weakness in front of Han and Talon, Mara concentrated on burying her emotions ever deeper. She stiffened as Han reached out and touched her on the shoulder.

“Mara, you all right? I know that Leia and the other Jedi, uh, felt it when Luke…” he trailed off, still unable to say the words even now.

“Yes, I know. I felt it, too,” Mara muttered. “Where is Leia?” she asked suddenly as she half-turned back towards them.

“She’s out on the balcony, but she really doesn’t want to see anyone right now.”

“I have to talk to her. I’ll only take a moment, I promise.”

Han nodded quietly and waved his arm in the direction of their balcony. Mara returned his nod and made her way across the Solo’s living room. When Mara stepped through the doors, Leia didn’t turn around from her position at the railing. She was staring quietly out at the Manari Mountains, turning a small box over and over in her hands. Mara stepped up beside her and leaned against the railing beside her, staring out at the mountains as well, making a pointed decision not to mention Leia’s hair. Everyone grieved in different ways.

“I knew you’d come.”

“He was my best friend.”

“Mine, too,” Leia whispered. “Already, I miss him so much.”

“Me, too.”

“He was in love, did you know that?” Leia asked suddenly, causing Mara to tense. “But he wouldn’t tell me who she was because he wanted to surprise us at Han’s birthday party. He looked so happy the last time I talked to him. Almost radiant,” she said with a soft smile.

Mara had come out on the balcony to tell Leia of the secret relationship between her and Luke, but now that the moment was upon her, something held her tongue. Tell her! Tell his sister what he meant to you, what you meant to him. Tell her now! Perhaps with Luke’s death, the Emperor’s Hand had come too far back and Mara’s voice remained stubbornly still. A part of her wanted to hold on to the secret that was now hers and hers alone.

“I...yes, I knew about that.”

Leia turned her gaze back out towards the mountains as a wistful look stole over her face. “Luke and I didn’t find one another until we were eighteen years old, you know. Our entire childhoods were stolen from us. And now...” She paused, swallowing hard and trying to hold back tears. “Now, after only a little more than a dozen years, he’s been stolen from me again.”

“I’m sorry,” Mara said, unsure what else she could say. “Have you made, um, arrangements?” She hated to ask the question, hated the fact that if she and Luke had already been married, those kinds of decisions would be up to her and not his sister. But, still, she did not want to give up the secret that she held close to her heart. It was the only thing she had left of Luke.

“The memorial will be tomorrow. There’ll be a private gathering just for family and close friends before the public ceremony. You’re invited to that, of course.” Leia said the words mechanically, as though she’d recited them numerous times. “His b-body will lie in state in the atrium of the Senate Building for three days and then he’ll be laid to rest on Yavin IV.”

Mara felt a slight shudder of revulsion go through her at the thought of Luke being on display in that manner. He had never liked all the attention when he was alive, and now that he was gone the scrutiny was only more intense. How horrible that the only glimpse so many citizens of the galaxy would have of him would be of his still, lifeless form. Luke Skywalker had been one of the most vibrant and alive people Mara had ever known. The Force simply shone through and around him.

Or at least it had. Mara had never realized how empty she could feel. The spot in her mind where her sense of Luke had rested blazed like an open wound, the ache pulsing through her with every heartbeat. Part of her wished that they’d never formed that bond with one another. Perhaps then the pain of losing him wouldn’t be so sharp. The rest of Mara cherished the few precious hours that she’d been closer to Luke than she’d ever been to anyone in her life.

“I wish…” Mara began, then trailed off as she realized that, even if she did let Luke’s sister in on the secret she carried, she could not put what she was feeling into words.

Leia gave a soft, sad little smile and reached over to pat Mara’s hand where it rested on the railing. “Me, too.”

Other than her time spent with Luke, Mara had never been a very physically demonstrative person. She tended to keep the rest of the galaxy at arm’s length, literally and emotionally. But now, seemingly of its own accord, her other hand came up to cover Leia’s in a gesture of sympathy and understanding…and perhaps as a small way to combat her own feelings of helplessness.

As the two women looked at one another, a kinship formed between them, the beginning bonds of what promised to be a strong friendship. Even though it was forged in tragedy, Mara was suddenly very grateful that she could call Leia a friend. She decided to tell Leia of the relationship she’d had, however briefly, with Luke, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Han stuck his head through the doorway.

“Sweetheart, the kids are ready to go to bed and they’re asking for you,” he said quietly.

Mara and Leia both turned to look at him, their hands dropping to their sides and the redhead’s lips clamping shut. Leia nodded to Han and smiled at Mara before she moved to follow her husband back into the apartment.

There’ll be time later. Her children need her now, Mara reassured herself as she turned to gaze back out at the view from the Solo’s balcony. At the thought of the Solo children, Mara’s mind wandered to what a child belonging to her and Luke might have been like. Children had never been a desire of hers, in fact, Mara had doubted that she’d even possessed a maternal instinct. But she knew Luke would have wanted children. That much was obvious from the amount of love and attention he’d showered on his sister’s kids. Now, she found herself aching for something that would never be.

Perhaps the child would have had reddish-blond hair and deep blue eyes; Luke’s earnest enthusiasm and Mara’s sharp wit; his persistence and her boldness. Her throat clogged with emotion because she knew there was absolutely no possibility of a child. Both Mara and Luke had been on hyposprays to prevent conception, although they hadn’t thought to discuss it until after that first intense time between them.

“Mara,” Talon’s voice came from behind her and Mara cleared her throat uncomfortably before turning to face him.

“It’s getting late. We should head back to the Wild Karrde. Han and Leia have arranged for you to ride with them to the funeral service tomorrow, so I’ll take care of transportation for you here at 1000.”

“With them? But I…I shouldn’t-” she stammered.

“Mara, they know how close you and Luke were. Maybe the two of you were even closer than they thought?” Talon asked as he eyed her knowingly.

“We were friends,” she said stubbornly, still not ready to give up her secret, even to the man who was second only to Luke in her life.

“I saw how you reacted when you felt his death and that was far more than friendship. If you don’t want to talk about it now, that’s all right. But I’m here when you do need to talk.”

Mara didn’t reply with words, but she appreciated Talon’s concern for her. She simply nodded her head as she wrapped her arms around herself, knowing that the one person she really wanted to talk to was forever out of her reach.

***************************************************