Whisper Your Weakness

I have good news and bad news.... The good: here's another chapter! The bad: I have nothing written after this, so I have no idea when the next update will be. I had thought that I was going to have Labor Day weekend off from work, but now they tell me I have to work after all, so good for my paycheck, bad for my writing. Have no fear, though, this story will never be abandoned. I know what's going to happen, I just have to find the time to get it out of my head and into the 'puter.

angel_mine: Viktor's death was actually quite satisfying to write, too! And yes, the recovery is going to be long and difficult. Mucho angst ahead! Thanks for reading!

Mara Look-a-like: Luke's not going to fall to the Dark side, but he does have a long road ahead of him. And since this is basically a L/M story, who do you think will be the one helping him the most? *wink*

AgiVega: No Dark side Luke, sorry! I really don't think I could write a good Dark!Luke story, although I love reading them. And I'm glad Viktor's dead, too!

DMS You know, the other readers of this story really need to send you their thanks...if it wasn't for your constant badgering, I'd probably not be as far along as I am! And there WILL be more boot-knocking! Just not for a little while... *grin*

Jake: Glad you liked Viktor's end! Honestly, I was undecided almost until the last minute who was going to be the one to take him out...but it seemed fitting to have Luke himself do it, mainly cause it adds more angst! As to your questions, the first one will is answered in this chapter, and as for the second one...well, you know how stubborn he is! *evil grin*

Mina: Are you the Mina who wrote "About Turn"? If so, I worship at your feet!!!!! If not, welcome to the story anyway! Hey, don't worry about saying you liked reading the torture...I liked writing it, so what does that say about me? *grin*

Cherry!: LOL, I don't think anyone was really sorry to see Viktor get his! Luke's recovery is going to be hard and he's going to get help from a lot of sources (one of which you shall see in this chapter) but the boy is stubborn and of course, because I like angst so much, he's going to make it a lot harder than it has to be. *grin* Glad you liked the bits with the show of Luke's power and his reaction to the return of the Force...those were some of my favorite parts, too.

Disclaimer still in effect!

Chapter Twenty-Four

Luke’s pristine white refuge was marred with fierce dark shadows that pulsed over and around him, taunting him with their ability to sneak past his meager defenses. He could still hear Viktor’s mocking laughter ringing in his mind. Nothing he did would block the noise out. He covered his head with his arms, squeezing them tight around his ears, to no avail.

He tried screaming at Viktor to shut up, but the laughter continued to thrum through his eardrums, completely unaffected by his attempts to drown it out. The worst part of the ordeal was that Luke knew it was his own fault. He had been the one to touch the Dark side of the Force, crushing Viktor’s life in revenge for Berdin having crushed Luke’s soul.

The guilt of his actions weighed heavily on him, along with the fear that he was doomed to repeat the mistakes of Byss. Having the Force again was no comfort under these circumstances, and Luke could feel the Dark side nipping at his wounds, just looking for the tiniest entrance into his heart. It would consume him then, he knew it.

Luke could hear Leia and Mara tentatively reaching for him, but he cringed away from their calls, ashamed of what he’d done and what Viktor had done to him. He was flawed and dirty, unworthy of their love. Anxiously, Luke tried time and again to bury himself once more in the whiteness of his shelter, but his sanctuary had been forever despoiled.

To his horror, Luke could feel hands grabbing at him, trying to pull him away from what little peace his haven did give him. No, Viktor! I won’t let you hurt me anymore! he thought to himself as he began to panic. Unconsciously, Luke started to reach out to the Force to help him, to drive Viktor away. But then he recoiled from it, remembering that he was undeserving of using that power anymore...he was polluted with the Dark side.

So Luke resorted to fighting back physically, thrashing his body back and forth, striking out with his arms and legs, determined that he would get the monster away from him. He was screaming, screaming at the top of his lungs, fighting desperately for his life, when he felt something sharp pierce his neck.

The screams somehow mutated into sobs as lethargy slowly crept over his limbs and Luke knew that he’d been drugged. Then, blissfully, he knew nothing more.

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They were standing in Luke’s room, quietly discussing with the doctor what they could possibly do to help Luke now that he was out of the bacta tank, when agitated mumblings began to come from the patient lying so still in the bed. As they turned to look in surprise, Luke’s arms jerked upwards to wrap around his head and he began to moan the words ‘shut up, shut up’ over and over again.

Obviously thinking to comfort him, Mara put her hands on his arm, trying to pull it away from his head. They were all shocked when he flung his arm out violently, causing Mara to stumble backwards a step or two in surprise. Luke’s distress increased instantly as he began to twist and writhe on the bed, his murmurings becoming louder.

Han and Wedge moved forward, attempting to grab his arms and still his movements, worried that he was going to harm himself somehow. Immediately, Luke’s motions became frenzied, as he began to scream, fighting them for all he was worth. They tried to call out to him, begging him to calm down, promising that he was safe and they weren’t going to hurt him, but he was oblivious to their words.

“Doctor Ansel! Do something, please!” Leia shouted.

The Manarai Medical Center physician who’d been given charge of Luke’s case was already moving when she yelled at him, but the Chief-of-State urging him to action did make the man move faster. He summoned a med-tech with the call button beside Luke’s bed, shouting for them to bring the strongest sedative they could find.

Luke was cursing them at the top of his lungs, interspersed with agonized screams that tore at their hearts. Finally, the med-tech was able to slip in beside Han and inject the hypospray into Luke’s neck. Immediately, he gasped, trying to arch away from them, but Han and Wedge held him firmly. Gradually, his thrashing quieted as the sedative began its work. Luke’s screams died down to ragged sobs, until at last, with a heavy sigh, he surrendered to the drug-induced sleep.

Han and Wedge fell backwards away from Luke’s bed, gasping from the effort of trying to hold him down so the med-tech could give him the sedative. Mara and Leia moved to stand on either side of the head of Luke’s bed, exchanging worried looks as they each touched one of his cheeks, now that he had finally ceased his struggles.

Mara leaned down to softly kiss his lips, unknowingly making the same silent vow that her would-be sister-in-law had made, sending it to her lover through the Force.

*Whatever that bastard did to you, Luke, we’ll make it right. I promise you that!*

There wasn’t much progress in Luke’s condition over the next two weeks as each day fell into the same pattern. Every time he was touched or they attempted to cajole a response out of him, he went mad; screaming and fighting until they were all exhausted and they invariably wound up giving him another dose of sedatives to calm him down.

A couple of times, Leia and Mara had been able to reach Luke – barely feeling a flicker of his presence in the Force – and pacify him, but he still would not communicate, either verbally or through the Force. To Leia’s horror, one of the doctors made a hesitant suggestion about institutionalizing him. Two seconds later, with Mara’s blaster in his cheek, he thought better of the idea.

Luke was beginning to look a little like his old self, thanks to a haircut, a good washing, and clean hospital clothes. He was gaining a little color back in his cheeks from the nutrient IV in his arm, although they had to do these things while he was sedated or it would have been virtually impossible to accomplish. Unfortunately, he seemed to be as far away from them now as he had been when he was Viktor’s prisoner.

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Luke’s safe haven was utterly ravaged, his entire existence in turmoil as Viktor’s presence haunted him every second of every day. No matter how hard he tried to block them out, the grasping hands and harrying voices were always with him. He fought and fought, but it seemed he could never escape them.

Luke desperately searched for some way out of this hell – it was nearly as bad as being back in Viktor’s clutches in that cramped little room. The Force itself appeared to mock him, taunting him with a goodness and Light that stayed forever out of reach. He began to wonder if he could somehow end his own life while he was trapped in this blankness. Luke could sometimes vaguely sense Mara and Leia near him, but he shied away from them, their purity in the Force almost hurting him.

“Luke…”

The voice was unexpected and unfamiliar. Panicking, Luke tried to hide from it, wondering what new torment Viktor’s ghost was about to inflict on him. But it wasn’t Viktor’s ghost he saw when he gained the courage to peek over his shoulder towards the presence he could feel behind him.

Luke gasped and stood up straight as he turned to gaze at the apparition before him. There stood a tall, handsome man, his dark blond hair glinting with golden highlights despite the gloominess of Luke’s sanctuary. He was wearing Jedi robes, and there was a gentle smile on his face as he looked back at Luke. Deep blue eyes, so very like his own, were filled with kindness and sympathy… and love.

“Father…?” Luke whispered in disbelief.

“Oh, my son,” Anakin said, his heartache over Luke’s situation evident in his face. He reached a hand out towards Luke, taking a step forward at the same time.

Luke cringed away from Anakin, feeling ashamed to even meet his father’s stare.

“How can you bear to look at me?” he asked, dejectedly.

“Because you’re my son, and I love you,” Anakin said quietly.

“But, Viktor…he…” Luke wrapped his arms around himself, hunching his shoulders in as his head dropped even more. “And then I used the Force…to kill him, I mean.”

Anakin glided up to Luke and gently, but firmly, pulled his arms down, then looked him right in the eye. “Luke, if I’d been able to, after seeing everything he did to you, I might have used the Force to kill him myself.”

Luke became aware of a severe wave of displeasure humming around them then, and to his surprise, Anakin looked off to the left and frowned.

“Well, I would have! You butt out, old man.”

Luke looked up at his father with startled eyes. “Is that Obi-Wan? Can he see us now? Does he know what happened, too?” he asked, his voice rising as he became rattled.

Anakin cupped Luke’s face in his hands, wiping his son’s fevered brow with his thumbs. “Hush, young one. It’s all right. Obi-Wan and Yoda are worried about you as I am. They wanted to come with me to talk to you-”

“But-” Luke started to protest.

“However,” Anakin interrupted, “if you don’t want them to hear us talking, they’ll give us privacy. I wasn’t much of a father to you when we were on the same plane, so I thought it would be the least I could do to be your father now.”

“I would rather they didn’t hear us,” Luke mumbled.

“Then they won’t,” Anakin said with an encouraging smile. He lowered his hands from Luke’s face to brace his right elbow in his left hand, so that he could tap a finger of his right hand on his chin in a classic ‘I’m listening’ pose. “Now why don’t you tell me about this place you’ve created.”

Luke’s face darkened into a scowl again. “I don’t really want to.”

“Luke, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

“I used the Dark side to kill Viktor,” Luke blurted out. “And I know that was wrong!”

Anakin sighed. “One slip-up in a dozen years does not mean you’re falling to the Dark side, son. And it’s not like the man didn’t deserve it.”

“Have you forgotten Byss? I ‘slipped up’ pretty good there, too,” Luke said with a trace of bitterness in his voice.

“No, I haven’t forgotten that. But you returned to the Light, did you not?”

“Yes, but you don’t understand, Father-”

“Excuse me? You do recall who you’re talking to, don’t you?” Anakin said with a raised eyebrow. “Formerly Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith? I think I know a thing or two about the Dark side, and trust me, Luke, you’re about as far from there as you can be.”

“But I-”

Anakin put a finger on Luke’s lips, stilling his protests once again. “Young one, I know you are in great pain. The horrible things that man did to you defy description, and yet…you survived it.”

Anakin’s voice and stare became intense, holding Luke’s attention despite his desire to hide away from the terrible truths his father was telling. His hands moved to grip Luke by the shoulders, giving him a little shake for emphasis.

“You are stronger than anyone I have ever known. Who else would look at a Sith Lord and see something there worth saving? You can heal from this, son, I know you can.”

“But it’s so hard,” Luke whispered in despair. “And if I go back out there, it’s only going to be harder. It hurts so much.”

“I know. I know it does. But you’re wrong. It will be easier out there, with your sister and your family and friends. They all love you and want to help you. Even that smuggler your sister married,” Anakin said, a bit of exasperation showing in his voice. Then a sly grin crept over his face. “And I’ve been keeping an eye on you and the former Emperor’s Hand. Seems like you’ve gotten pretty close with her, hmm?”

Anakin had probably intended that remark to tease his son into a smile, but the very idea of Mara finding out what Viktor had done to him horrified Luke beyond imagining. The thought of being intimate with Mara while Viktor’s taint was still on him caused Luke’s stomach to clench in fear.

“I can’t let them know what he did to me, Father. I can’t!” he cried, as his frame tensed with anxiety.

“Why, Luke? What happened to you was not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Anakin reminded him in a stern voice.

“I just don’t want them to know!” Luke shouted, his agitation increasing.

With a grumble of irritation, Anakin pulled Luke into a tight embrace. For a second, Luke stiffened, the close contact causing memories of Viktor’s body smothering his own to come swirling up in his mind. Then he felt the love and affection and concern that his father was sending him through the Force, and Luke gradually relaxed, cautiously accepting the comfort that Anakin longed to give him.

It had been so long since he’d been touched in a loving way by another person, Luke was overwhelmed. Tears began to well up in his eyes and before he knew it, he was sobbing into his father’s chest. Anakin didn’t seem to mind the sodden state of his tunic, as he just murmured quiet words of encouragement to his son, stroking the back of his head tenderly.

Eventually, the fierce storm of Luke’s emotions abated slightly and he stepped backwards out of his father’s hold, wiping his eyes self-consciously.

“Sorry about that,” he muttered.

“Again, you have nothing to be sorry for, young one. Please, wake up and let your sister help you,” Anakin said quietly, but no less intently than he had before.

“I want to, but...” Luke dropped his gaze in shame. “But I’m afraid.”

“There’s no shame in being afraid, Luke. Do you think I wasn’t afraid to take that step towards Palpatine on the Death Star? Do you think I wasn’t terrified even as I lifted him over my head to save you? A Jedi faces his fears, son, he doesn’t run from them.”

“I don’t feel very much like a Jedi right now,” Luke said quietly.

“And you won’t as long as you continue to hide here,” Anakin replied sternly.

“Can’t I...come with you, then? I don’t want to go back there, Father. I miss you and Ben and Yoda.”

Anakin let out a harsh breath. “Oh, Luke, don’t ask that of me. You have no idea how much I’d love for you to be able to join me. How I’ve longed to be able to talk with you and spend time with you.” He shook his head sadly. “But this is not your time. You have much left to accomplish in the living world, and it would be incredibly selfish of me to take you away from that. Obi-Wan is still trying to pound the selfishness out of his arrogant padawan, you know,” Anakin said with a wry grin. “I have to let the old man have his way about some things, after all.”

In spite of his pain, a tiny smile quirked the edge of Luke’s mouth at his father’s words. He took a deep breath, gazing around at the sanctuary he’d created, knowing that Anakin was right, that he’d have to leave this place, but hoping to put it off a little while longer.

Anakin reached out to grab his shoulder in a firm, reassuring grip. “You won’t have to do it alone, Luke. Your family and friends are there to help you. And Yoda, Obi-Wan, and I will always be watching over you.”

“Thank you, Father,” Luke said softly as he placed his hand on top of the one resting so warmly on his shoulder.

Reluctantly, Anakin pulled his hand away and took a step backwards. Luke could see him start to fade within the hazy whiteness of his shelter, and knew a pang of regret that he couldn’t simply follow his father to wherever his spirit resided within the Force. It would be so much easier...

“I love you, Son...” Anakin’s voice faded into a whisper, as the rest of him faded away.

“I love you, too, Father.”

And Luke knew it was time to wake up.

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Leia bustled nervously around Luke’s bedside, adjusting his covers or fluffing his pillow, trying to withstand the urge to caress his face. That would undoubtedly only cause one of the fits again, and for once, he was resting semi-peacefully without the aid of the sedatives. Every now and then, his face would crease into a frown, and Leia could see his lips moving slightly, as though he were mumbling something, but she couldn’t make out any actual words.

Leia closed her eyes, offering up a silent prayer that her twin could recover and she would be able to look into his shining blue eyes once more. Unable to resist touching him any longer, she reached a hand out and brushed a lock of his hair that had fallen into his eyes back away from his face. He twitched, his head jerking away from her touch, and Leia let her hand fall back to her side with a sigh.

“Oh, Luke...” she whispered. She only gave in to her tears when no one else was in Luke’s room with her, and now happened to be one of those times. She, Han, and Mara had begun taking shifts so that one of them could be with Luke at all times, and different friends, fellow Jedi, and former wingmen would drop in at various points during the day.

Her entire being ached in sympathetic agony at the pain her twin was enduring. It was at moments like this, when it was quiet in the medcenter because it was so early in the morning, that her composure cracked, and she sobbed with the injustice of the terrible things that Viktor had done to her beloved brother. Even knowing that it was not a Jedi way to feel, she was glad that Luke had killed that disgusting creature.

And yet, a part of her was worried about how what he’d done would affect Luke when he finally decided to join them in the real world once more. He had basically used the Force to crush Viktor’s heart, causing it to burst within his chest. The doctors that had performed the autopsy had informed them of this in trembling voices, both in awe at, and somewhat frightened of, the power Luke wielded.

Leia remembered Luke’s anguished voice in his prison cell as he’d looked down at his hands and wondered what he had done. He had always been so careful to control his impulses and his anger, especially after Byss, and Leia could only imagine the horror that Luke’s actions would cause him once he became himself fully again.

If that ever happens... Leia sighed. He had been in this traumatized state now for almost three weeks and so far, nothing they’d tried had been able to reach him. Indeed, most of their efforts seemed to make him worse, not better.

She took a deep breath, firmly attempting to shake off these negative thoughts. At least he was alive. Leia tried to remind herself of that whenever these crying bouts would sneak up on her. Before that comm call from Darek Mondahl, Leia had been mentally preparing herself to find a body...or to accept the fact that they would probably never find him at all. They would never have stopped looking, but the fact remained that were blessed by the Force that Luke was here with them now.

“Whatever it takes, how ever long it takes, I promise you, Luke,” she vowed quietly, as she had so many times over the last three weeks. “I will do everything in my power to make you better, little brother.”

She bowed her head as her eyes slid closed, and Leia prayed to as many deities as she could think of to help her brother find his way back to them.

“Who says you’re older?”

The words were faint, barely audible, and sounded so weary that for a moment, it didn’t even sound like him. Leia’s eyes flew open in shock and she gaped down at Luke to see him staring back at her. One corner of his mouth trembled slightly in what Leia thought might be an attempt at a smile, and then she was throwing herself at him, sobbing with joy this time as she exclaimed his name over and over again.

The breath left him in a little oof, but she scarcely noticed in her amazement and utter elation. She was hiccupping she was talking so fast, telling him how much she’d missed him, how happy she was to see him awake, that it took a moment for her to notice the grimace on his face. And still it took him shouting her name harshly for her to pause in her celebration.

“Leia!”

Startled, she stared down at Luke in bewilderment as he raised one hand to rub his forehead, his brow creased with what seemed like pain.

“Too much. Please, calm down. You’re hurting my head,” he whispered. It was almost as though he’d somehow forgotten how to control the intensity of the emotions he felt from others through the Force. Hopefully, that was a skill he’d remember again quickly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said rapidly. “I’m just so happy that you’re awake.”

“It’s all right. Just give me a little space, okay?” he murmured. He squinted in confusion as he took a closer look at her. “Your hair...” he said softly in disbelief.

Leia’s cheeks colored slightly in embarrassment as she reached one hand up to twine a curl of her shortened tresses around her finger. She ducked her head as she attempted to explain what she’d done in a low voice.

“I was not quite myself when I heard about what happened. Or what I thought had happened.”

“My death, you mean,” he said flatly.

“Yes,” she said quietly. “It felt like a part of me was ripped away, Luke. I could hardly bear it, and if it hadn’t been for Han... Well, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“I’m sorry,” he said in a hoarse voice. “To have caused you such pain is the last thing I ever would have wanted.”

She raised her head back up and gave him a fierce look. “I do not ever want to hear you apologize about this again, Luke Skywalker. You did nothing wrong.”

Luke swallowed as he looked away from her, his fingers plucking nervously at the sheet of his bed.

“Viktor...he’s dead, isn’t he?” Luke asked in a faint voice.

Leia wasn’t certain if he was afraid Viktor wasn’t really dead, or feeling guilty because he’d killed the man. She reached out to take his hand and tried not to notice when he tensed at her touch.

“He is. But I don’t want you to think about that anymore for right now,” she said soothingly. “Han and Mara are going to want to know you’re awake. Would you like me to call them?”

“I don’t...I’m not sure I’m ready to face her...them,” Luke said, his hand clenching hers tightly.

He still refused to meet Leia’s eyes and she worried what he meant by saying ‘her’ first. She lifted her other hand and softly caressed his cheek. Again, he flinched and she pretended not to see it.

“Luke, I will keep everyone out of this room, including myself, if that’s what you want. I want you to heal, and if that’s what you need to do to heal, then that’s what will happen,” she vowed.

Keeping his head bowed, Luke mumbled something. Leia couldn’t understand what he had said.

“I didn’t catch that,” she prompted gently.

He finally looked up at her then, and the pain and fear in his eyes tore at Leia’s heart.

“I said, am I going to be arrested?”

She stared at him in shock. “Arrested? For what?”

“For killing Viktor,” he said quietly.

Leia looked at him in stunned disbelief. “No!” she said loudly, and then controlled her tone of voice when he visibly flinched. “No, you’re not going to be arrested. Luke, he was aiming a blaster at you. It was self-defense.”

Luke gave a bitter little laugh. “Leia, I know what I did. Self-defense ended when I took the blaster away from him. After that, it was murder.”

Leia gave a sigh of frustration at her brother’s stubbornness. But, hadn’t she known he would do this? That he would take all the blame on himself? That was so like her twin, always taking on more responsibility than he needed or deserved.

“The NRS thoroughly searched Berdin’s apartments. They uncovered a datapad filled with information about other people he killed, other people that he tortured. Luke, he’s been doing this for nearly twenty years. They haven’t even gotten all the way through the datapad and they’ve already got a tally of fourteen victims, not counting you.”

He gave her a startled look, an expression of dread in his eyes. “Did it say anything about me?” he asked fearfully.

“Not that they’ve found so far. What they can’t figure out is why he took you. All of his prior victims were young, female humans.”

A wave of what looked like relief flooded over his face as Luke dropped his eyes to the bedsheets once again. “I killed his father,” he said, almost absently.

“What?” Leia asked, her eyes widening. “Is that what he thought? You would never do something like-” she broke off abruptly, both of them recalling that he had done something like that, many times during the rebellion and, ominously, just a few weeks ago.

“His father was on the Death Star,” Luke said quietly.

For once in her life, Leia didn’t know what to say, had no idea how to comfort him. She knew that Luke had struggled for a long time with the consequences of his actions on that long ago day, but he’d eventually found some measure of peace with it. And now, to have it come back to haunt him in such a terrible and terrifying way...

“Oh, Luke,” she said tenderly, her hand reaching up again to softly caress the back of his neck.

“I’m feeling really tired, Leia. Would you mind leaving me alone so I can rest?” he said dully.

Leia’s frown deepened as she stared at her brother. She heaved a sigh and reminded herself that she had sworn to do anything to help him recover from this ordeal. If that included giving him time and space, then she would do so, no matter how much it pained her to see him hurting so badly.

Just a little time, that’s all he needs, and then we can help him start to get past this, she said to herself.

“All right, you get some rest. I’ll be back later,” she said and moved towards the door of his room. She glanced back over her shoulder and saw that he had already turned to lie on his side, facing away from her, his body curled tightly into a semi-fetal position.

She couldn’t help but think that they had a very long road ahead of them.

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