Whisper Your Weakness

Chapter Twenty-Seven

As soon as Luke’s landspeeder came to a shuddering stop outside the Lars house, he leapt out and stalked towards the room where he kept the comm unit, ignoring the sand kicked up by his abrupt arrival. There was only one thing on his mind at the moment, and he wasn’t going to be able to clear his thoughts until he’d talked to the person he’d naively thought he could trust.

It only took Darek Mondahl two buzzes before he answered Luke’s call. Almost as though he was expecting it, Luke thought with a grim smile.

“Luke, I didn’t think I’d hear from you for another three days,” Darek said, but Luke’s suspicions were not allayed by his calm tone.

“Cut the bantha shavit, Mondahl. You know why I’m calling early,” he said harshly. “Why did you tell her where I was?”

“I didn’t tell her where you are, Luke. In fact, I still don’t know where you are myself.”

“Liar!” Luke exploded, and felt a perverse satisfaction at Mondahl’s flinch. “She’s here! She’s here and I know you sent her!”

“I didn’t send her, but I knew she was looking for you and I certainly wasn’t about to try and stop her-”

“Why, Darek?! You were supposed to be the one person who understood, the one who realized I needed to deal with this…” Luke paused, struggling to regain his calm before he managed to continue. “…on my own,” he said, his voice almost ending in the whine he’d been so teased for throughout his adolescence.

“Please, Luke, try to calm down and see things from our perspective. We’re worried about you because we care about you deeply. Your family, your friends, and yes, your fiancé…all of us miss you terribly and we want you to come back home.”

“I’m not ready to face all that,” Luke maintained stubbornly.

“Don’t you think it’s time you made yourself ready to face it, Son? It’s been more than six months since you left Coruscant. I understand that you don’t want to face what happened, but-”

“I’m not ready. I’ll deal with it when I decide to and not before!” Luke repeated. He didn’t think it necessary to tell Darek that he’d practically decided that he would never deal with it. Mara showing up had only reinforced that thought, because the pain from the memories that her arrival had stirred up was just too intense.

Dr. Mondahl took a deep breath and gazed calmly at Luke. It seemed as though he were working his nerve up to say something and Luke got the feeling that it was not going to be good.

“Luke, I know that what happened to you was terrifying, but you can’t handle it on your own.”

Something about the tone of his words alerted Luke’s senses and he didn’t like where this was heading; he didn’t like it at all.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, his breath quickening as twinges of panic starting fluttering through his system.

“I know what happened to you, Luke. I know what he did,” Darek said, still maintaining that irritatingly calm voice.

“What do you think you know?” Luke ground out as his jaw clenched tightly.

“I know that Viktor sexually assaulted you.”

For a moment, Luke couldn’t hear anything past the roaring in his ears, his blood pounding through his veins like a thousand drumbeats. His entire body froze in shock as denial automatically bubbled up inside him. That was his secret…his and no one else’s…Darek had no right!

“No, that didn’t happen,” Luke mumbled, shaking his head.

“I talked to your doctors, Luke. I know that it did happen and that’s why-”

“NO! I was there, you weren’t! I was there and it did not happen!” Luke shouted. Even as he was denying it to Darek, panic was washing over him. The doctors knew? Who else was aware of this nightmare? Han? Leia? Gods, did Mara know?

“That’s why you need to come back to Coruscant so we can get someone to help you with this, Luke,” Darek continued over Luke’s protests. “Look, I have a colleague that I think you should talk to. She helped out a lot of the soldiers after the Clone Wars and-”

“I can take care of it on my own, Darek! I don’t need people messing around in my head.”

“Luke, calm down, that’s not the way it would be,” Darek said, raising his hands in a calming gesture.

Luke realized that both of them had risen to their feet, and they were facing off in front of the comm screen as though they were in the same room instead of light years apart. Darek was treating him like he was a detonator about to go off and that just irritated Luke all the more. Not one of them had any idea how much Luke kept himself under control every single day, how he managed all on his own to keep that explosion they all feared from happening.

Perhaps it was time to cut all ties completely and disappear someplace they’d never find him. Dagobah had worked as an exile for Yoda, maybe it could work for him as well. He let all of the tension and fear drain out of him, forcing his righteous anger to take its place.

“My life, my decisions, Darek. Don’t contact me again. And you can feel free to pass that message on to my sister and her husband,” he said coldly, cutting the transmission before the doctor had a chance to protest.

As soon as Darek’s image disappeared from the screen, Luke’s tenuous hold on his emotions collapsed. He only barely held in the scream of frustration and fear that was fighting to escape his throat. Mara would follow him from Anchorhead, he knew that. She was far too stubborn to give up so easily and he was not ready to face her, not at all. He felt as though he were struggling to breathe as he turned away from the comm and headed back through the house.

The band of tension tightening around Luke’s chest felt as though it were going to suffocate him as he stumbled into the kitchen of the homestead that had become his sanctuary. Seeing Mara again, feeling the brush of her Force presence up against his…for just a moment, it had been the sweetest thing he’d ever felt. Then the memory of why he could no longer be with Mara, and the darkness that threatened to consume him every night, had rushed through him.

He fell to his knees in the middle of the floor, gagging as the memories of hurts and smells and fears began to choke him. He couldn’t get air into his lungs, and gods, he could feel Viktor’s breath against the back of his neck, could taste the bile already rising in his throat. Everything, every emotion, every fear, that he’d managed to repress since he’d come to Tatooine was flooding back over him, the sharpness of it cutting him like vibroblades.

Collapsing forward, Luke pressed his forehead into his hands, ragged sobs slipping from his throat as he tried desperately to regain his control. He couldn’t let Mara sense this; he couldn’t let her know how precariously he was holding himself together. Because if she knew how close he was to losing it completely, she’d want to ‘help’. She’d want to make him go back to Coruscant, face this demon that was destroying his soul and that was the one thing Luke simply could not allow to happen.

Growling several Huttese curses, Luke ground his head against the tile of the kitchen floor, forcing himself to take deep, gasping breaths. Reluctantly, he reached out to the well of power that was the Force to calm his violent emotions. It felt like a betrayal of his promise to not use that ability until he felt clean enough, and he hated himself even more. He rationalized in his mind that he really had no choice. Mara was coming, he would know that even if he couldn’t sense her presence in the Force. She’d never been one to give up easily.

Ruthlessly, he crushed all the helplessness and the horror back into its tiny little box at the back of his soul.

“You don’t control me, Viktor, not anymore. You’re dead, dead and gone. No more power over me, not ever again!”

He wanted to feel strength from that vow, but all he could sense was his own weakness, because he knew in his gut that the words weren’t true. Viktor controlled him now just as surely as the bastard had when Luke was still confined to a tiny,

*******************************

Mara’s hands were gripping the steering column of her rented speederbike so hard, her knuckles were turning white. That was not how she’d intended her first meeting with Luke after six interminably long months to go. Not at all. Her jaw tightened uncomfortably as she recalled the cold look on his face and her own caustic response to it.

She wasn’t certain exactly what she had been expecting. Since his supposedly short ‘I need some space’ time had stretched into an obvious ‘I’m not ever coming back and you’d better not look for me’ act of flight, she should have known that he would not be pleased to see her.

But after having searched for him for so many months, Mara had been nothing short of ecstatic that she’d finally tracked him down. Without thinking of the consequences, she’d reached out to him through the Force when she’d sensed his presence in the tiny town she’d traced him to. And he had rebuffed her touch completely, abruptly closing himself away from her. That had hurt more than Mara wanted to admit to herself.

She cursed silently at having done something so careless, but she had just missed him so much and it had been so long since she’d seen him. A few times in the past few months, Mara had feared that she might never find him.

Apparently, the supposedly naïve farmboy had quite a few tricks up his sleeve when it came to disappearing. Mara’s lips twisted into a wry smile as she thought that his barely-removed-from-a-very-shady-past brother-in-law probably had a lot to do with that.

When their one-month deadline had come and gone and Luke was still sending messages through Mondahl, it hadn’t taken Leia, Han and Mara long to realize that he had no intention of returning to Coruscant any time soon. He must have learned some tricks that even Han didn’t know, because until now they’d had no luck in tracing his trail.

Dr. Mondahl had been of little help, as he didn’t actually know where Luke had fled to himself. The messages that came weekly to the comm in his office were rerouted through so many terminals, it was impossible to track them back before Luke logged off every week. He had steadfastly refused to talk to anyone in his family, sending the brief notes that he was still alive and well only to Mondahl.

A couple of times, Leia or Mara had tried to be there when Luke made contact, but he somehow always knew when that was the case, and he signed off immediately after signing on, just giving Darek enough time to be aware of his displeasure at the attempted deception. After those couple of tries, Mondahl had forbid anyone to try again, as he was worried about Luke nearly as much as his family was. They got more info out of Luke when he only talked to his physician anyway.

Mondahl recorded every transmission that Luke made, and at least they could see for themselves that he was still alive. Leia had mentioned worriedly several times that he had lost some weight and that his eyes looked tired. Mara herself could read so much more into every line of his posture and expression. Her farmboy was obviously, at least to her eyes, only barely holding himself together, and it was supremely frustrating that he would not allow her to help him.

She coughed as a small wave of sand curled over the speederbike’s shield and tickled the inside of her nose. Tatooine. Mara let her lip curl up just a little at the irony of where her search for Skywalker had led her. It took her back a few years to when her reasons for looking for him were so very different. Back then, she’d only had ending his life in mind; now, she desperately wanted to save him.

Once she’d finally traced his path, Mara had been surprised that Luke had run to a place that he’d always claimed to hate and one which held such painful memories for him. In retrospect, though, it made an odd sort of sense. Luke may have hated growing up on this desolate planet, but it was also probably the last place that he’d felt truly safe. Ever since the moment that he’d taken that step into the larger world that Obi-Wan had introduced him to, Luke Skywalker had carried a huge target on his back, one that would never completely go away.

Her whole body tensed in anticipation as the homestead of Luke’s aunt and uncle came into view when she topped a small rise. She knew he wasn’t going to make this easy on her, but then she didn’t plan to make it easy on him either. Luke might think he was stubborn, but he had no idea just how tenacious the Emperor’s Hand could be.

When she stepped into the darkened interior of the domed dwelling, Mara was mentally prepared for a battle. Probably the last thing she’d expected to see was Luke standing in the kitchen with his back to her, calmly preparing a meal. Then she looked closer and noted the tension that he was trying so hard to hide in the lines of his shoulders. She grinned a little, anticipating the clash that was to come.

“Hello, Luke,” she said quietly.

“Some people might consider it rude just to walk into someone’s home unannounced.”

“You knew I was coming, so I’d hardly call it unannounced,” she said confidently.

“Some people might also find it rude to come in where they’ve already been told they’re not welcome,” he retorted.

“Now, really, Skywalker, is that any way for a Jedi Master to act?” she drawled, and was delighted to see his shoulders stiffen even more. “I thought the Jedi were supposed to be all about welcoming and embracing everyone.”

Luke’s head dropped a little and Mara noticed that he’d stopped pretending to mess with whatever it was he was supposed to be cooking. “Mara, you just need to go. Please,” he said, his voice rough with emotion.

“I’m not going to just go, Luke. And the least you can do is turn around and look me in the eye while you break every promise you’ve ever made to me.”

He jerked around and Mara found herself having to fight to keep her dismay from showing at the pain-filled expression in his eyes. It wouldn’t get her anywhere if she allowed herself to feel sorry for him because he was doing that well enough all on his own. She was here to kick his ass and get him back to Coruscant.

“I never meant to hurt you, Mara. I just can’t…” he said hoarsely before he trailed off.

“Well, you did hurt me, Luke. You asked me to marry you. We bonded with each other. How did you think I was going to feel when you ran away? Leaving me with only this?” Mara asked angrily as she pulled the chain with his ring on it out of her shirt for him to see. Luke’s face blanched in shock.

“Where did you get that?”

“Leia gave it to me not long after Berdin took you. We were all getting despondent not being able to find any leads and she was trying to encourage me not to give up hope.”

She couldn’t help but notice that Luke flinched slightly at the mention of Viktor’s name, but Mara ignored that, pressing on when he didn’t say anything.

“You’ll notice that I’m not wearing it on my finger,” she said softly. “That’s because I told Leia that it was your responsibility to put it there. I think I’ve waited long enough, Luke.”

His eyes closed and a shudder passed through his body. When he looked at her again, Mara’s heart squeezed at the utter despair in his face.

“I am so sorry that I hurt you, Mara, but you deserve better than me. You deserve someone who’s whole and undamaged and who can love you the way you should be loved. I can’t do that, not anymore,” Luke said, his voice shaking.

Mara took a deep breath, preparing herself for the reaction she knew that her next words were going to get. It was time to push him, just a little.

“That is, without a doubt, one of the biggest piles of rubbish that you’ve ever tried to shovel on me, Skywalker. And believe me, you’ve shoveled plenty in your day, Mr. ‘You’re wasting your Force talents, Mara’ Jedi Master.”

Mara watched as his eyes blazed with a sudden fury, and tried to hide her satisfied smile at the sharp intake of breath as his whole body went rigid with anger. She might not have done as well as she’d hoped to in disguising her smugness because he gave her a growl and then visibly calmed himself.

He gave her a cold glance before replying, “You are not going to be able to goad me into a reaction, Mara. I’m staying, you’re leaving, and there’s nothing more to be said about it.”

“I haven’t even begun yet, Skywalker. There’s no way I’m leaving now. I will say this. In all the time I’ve known you, even before I knew you personally and I still hated your very existence, I’ve never thought you to be a coward. But that’s what I’m seeing now. Someone who’s afraid, who’s willing to let a worthless piece of slime like Berdin control his life even after the bastard is dead!”

Mara had gotten fairly worked up during her little speech and by the end of it, she was shouting at him, screaming like some out-of-control harridan and that was not what she’d intended to do. But Luke could still press all her buttons, even when he was obviously trying not to.

“Shut up! You understand about as well as Mondahl does, and by that, I mean not at all! This is my life and if I want to spend the rest of it here, then I will and there’s nothing you can do or say about it, and I want you-” he strode quickly across the space dividing them in the small kitchen and grabbed her by the upper arm, pulling her back towards the doorway she’d entered, “-out of my house!”

Mara had never liked being manhandled and she certainly wasn’t going to take that, not even from the man she loved and whom she’d come to save. She twisted her body, planting her foot between his legs and attempting to take him down quickly. But Luke had learned a few things himself over the years and blocked her move, somehow managing to cause her to be the one to lose her footing. Mara had never been one to let someone get the upper hand on her for very long, though, and she gripped the front of his tunic in both hands, making him come down with her.

They landed with a thud and a grunt on the hard floor of the kitchen, Luke halfway on top of Mara. For a moment, they lay there, a little stunned at what had just happened. Then Mara became intensely aware of the intimacy of their positions, and she couldn’t help but be painfully aware of the last time she’d been tangled together with Luke like this, and they had definitely not been angry with each other at that time.

Her whole body stilled, but her breathing quickened as his gaze suddenly sharply met hers. Mara’s heart leapt as she recognized the flare of desire in his eyes. Then she found herself holding her breath when his head slowly lowered towards hers, almost as though he was in a daze. Perhaps they were both a bit dazed but Mara wasn’t going to do anything to break this amazing moment.

When his lips softly touched hers, it was as though Mara could breathe again after being without air for years. The kiss was hesitant, light, nothing like the many kisses Luke had given her back on Coruscant. Those had been passionate, full of fire, and just as forceful as his personality was. This kiss was like a gentle rain compared to the fierce thunderstorm their lovemaking had once been, but Mara still wished for it to never end.

As much as she tried to be careful to do nothing to disturb this fragile connection that had bloomed, Mara couldn’t hold back a soft little moan at the feelings surging through her from the taste of his lips on hers after so long. Almost immediately, it ended and Luke pulled away from her with a flinch. The look of anguish on his face was enough to drive a vibroblade through Mara’s heart.

But before she could say anything, he was up and off of her, moving away to stand just outside the door in the courtyard with his back facing her, obviously trying to compose himself. Mara got slowly to her feet, the intensity of the moment they’d shared still making her a little shaky. She walked up to him, placing a hesitant hand on his arm, somehow surprised and yet not, to find him trembling.

“Luke…” she started softly, and then paused, unsure of what exactly she could say. There were so many things swirling in her head at the moment, she wasn’t able to make any of them make any sense.

“Mara, you just need to go. Please. Forget about me and move on with your life,” he said quietly.

“I can’t, Luke. I can’t and I won’t,” she vowed.

He sighed heavily and turned to give her a halfhearted glare. “You always were too damn stubborn for your own good,” he muttered, just the faintest tinge of affection coloring his tone.

Oddly, that was the first thing he’d said since Mara had arrived at his homestead that gave her a little bit of hope. He’d opened the door just a tiny bit, and Mara was determined to stick her foot in it and wedge it open further, whether he liked it or not.

“You know me too well, Skywalker,” she said with a smirk worthy of Han Solo.

Luke gave a harsh little sound that was something close to a laugh, even if it was a little bitter, and turned his gaze away with a little shake of his head. Mara’s hopes rose and she cast about for something neutral to say that wouldn’t make him jerk his defenses back up again. Before she could come up with something, she noticed him staring intently at the horizon, his head tilted slightly to the side, as though he were studying it.

“Damn,” he muttered. “Sandstorm’s coming.”

Mara spared a glance to where he’d been looking and squinted in confusion at what looked like perfectly clear skies to her. “What, the Force lets you know what the weather’s going to be like now?” she said in disbelief.

Luke shot her an irritated glance. “No, living on this planet for the first eighteen years of my life lets me know what the weather’s going to be like. Trust me, sandstorm’s coming. I need to get the farm locked down.”

He started walking towards a garage that was few meters away. Halfway there, he paused and turned back to her. “Well, c’mon. If you’re going to stay, you’re going to help,” he snapped impatiently. He then continued on without waiting to see if she was going to follow him or not.

Mara wasted no time in quickly catching up to him. She knew she’d just been granted a reprieve and she had no intention of letting it go to waste.