Whisper Your Weakness

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Mara, momentarily stunned by Luke’s intense reaction, watched him go, and felt so frustrated that she was tempted to pull her hair out. She started to follow him, but decided that she’d pushed him enough for the time being. But he’d been tempted, she could tell. Those barriers he’d built up were coming down, one way or another, and Mara wouldn’t rest until she had Luke Skywalker back on Coruscant with her, where he belonged.

Wearily, she cleaned up the cards and candies that were scattered all over the floor, keeping an eye on the ‘fresher door to see if Luke would emerge sometime soon. She wished that this damned sandstorm hadn’t cut off all communications or she’d try to call Leia for some advice. But it was just the two of them here for the foreseeable future, so Mara vowed to try a little harder to get through to him.

Realizing that he probably wasn’t going to venture out of his hidey-hole until he knew for certain that she was not going to get too close again, Mara wandered into the kitchen and quietly began to clean the few dishes they’d dirtied up that day. She paused, but didn’t turn around when she heard the ‘fresher door slide open.

As lightly as she possibly could, Mara sent out a tiny Force tendril towards him, trying to gauge his mood. She blinked when she was firmly rebuffed. He may not be attempting to use the Force consciously, but Luke certainly remembered how to block himself off.

After giving him what seemed to be enough time to get into bed and fall asleep, Mara made her way into the bedroom. She stared down at his still form for a long time, pondering quietly what her next move should be. It wouldn’t do any good for her to pick the wrong strategy tomorrow and ruin all the progress she’d made today.

Although, she wasn’t sure if it was truly progress or not. Mara had definitely breached some of those walls Luke had so firmly up all around him, but she had obviously scared the wits out of him in the process. Even in repose, he looked tense and uncomfortable. She briefly wished that Viktor Berdin was still alive so she could do to him whatever it was that he had done to her Luke.

And then she would kill the bastard herself. She knew that one of the things that had to be tormenting Luke so was the way he’d killed Berdin. Luke Skywalker should never have had to dirty himself with such a nasty task. That sort of thing was a job for a former assassin.

With a sigh of resignation, but still hopeful that tomorrow would be better, Mara turned to walk into the ‘fresher to prepare for bed. She brushed her hair and cleaned her teeth and was just about to turn out the light and leave when she caught a glimpse of something in the trash can out of the corner of her eye.

Curious, she bent down and fished out what appeared to be a prescription medication bottle. The name on the front of it was not Luke’s own name, but a pseudonym she’d known him to use on occasion. Mara’s frown deepened as she glanced at the type of medicine it was, recognizing them as powerful sleep aids. She’d actually used them in her work as the Emperor’s Hand a time or two, they were so strong.

“Is this what you have to do to keep the demons at bay, Luke?” she murmured to herself. “Why won’t you let me help you? Stubborn nerf.”

Climbing into the bed, Mara lay down on her side facing Luke, who was probably just a shade above coma-level unconsciousness if he was taking those pills. No chance of waking him to further her campaign tonight then. Mara would have to see if he had any more of the meds and if so, she’d see about getting rid of them, with or without his permission.

When Mara awoke the next morning, Luke was already absent from the bed they were sharing platonically. She wondered if he’d built up some resistance to those sleeping pills, because she recalled hearing that they could knock a full-grown man out for up to twelve hours on occasion.

After a quick turn in the refresher, Mara went cautiously in search of her errant farmboy. She took a quick glance out the window, and noted that the sandstorm was still going, but it seemed milder than the day before. Perhaps that meant it was going to end soon. That could help her cause, or it could hurt it. There would be no excuse for her to stay then, but it would be nice to be able to somehow get Luke out of this building where he did nothing but brood.

When she finally found Luke – who knew he could hide so efficiently in this tiny little homestead – Mara realized that the attempted kiss yesterday had perhaps been a bit overzealous on her part. No matter how she tried to engage him in conversation, Luke remained stonily silent. He was cold and distant, and resistant to every overture she tried to make. She even attempted to apologize, something she’d once prided herself on never having to do, for the kiss, but to no avail.

She couldn’t even make him angry as she had done the first day she’d arrived on-planet. It was as though he’d thrown up an invisible shield between the two of them. Mara seriously considered resorting to the hold-out blaster she’d never gotten rid of. Oh, she’d set it on stun, to be sure, but right now Luke was seriously making her want to shoot him.

By the time darkness had fallen that evening, the sandstorm had petered out, but he could hardly make her leave right then, as traveling at night on Tatooine was inadvisable for anyone but a sandperson.

Interestingly, Mara noted that the closer it got to what Luke had established as ‘bedtime’ the last couple of nights, the more agitated he became. It wasn’t terribly noticeable, and might have even gone unseen by someone who wasn’t watching him as closely as she was.

She’d subtly looked for more sleeping meds during the day and was unable to find any, but she didn’t know if that was because he was out, or if he just had them well hidden. However, his behavior the last hour or so was making her think he no longer had a crutch to rely on.

This night could prove to be the most intriguing one yet, she thought.

Luke was distinctly ill at ease this time as she defiantly crawled into the bed beside him, but he still didn’t say anything, keeping to the vow of silence he’d apparently subscribed to upon waking that morning. She knew for certain that he was out of meds when he didn’t fall asleep as quickly as usual, instead quietly fidgeting and moving around on his side of the bed.

Mara wanted to say something to him, but at this point, she didn’t know what she could say that wouldn’t drive him further away, so she decided to wait it out and see what happened during the night. She was still unaccustomed to listening to the Force willingly, but it was telling her that something was going to break soon and that she just needed to be patient and let it happen.

Anxious for a resolution to this stalemate, Mara tried to stay awake, but when Luke finally drifted off, she found her own eyelids growing heavy as well. It seemed only moments later that a low moan echoing around the small room brought her back to full consciousness.

Luke was moving restlessly, his face twisted in agony in his sleep, muttered words coming from his mouth that she had to strain to make out.

“No…stop…no more, please!...kill me, just kill me, dammit…”

Horrified at his plea, Mara reached out to Luke, trying to wrap her arms around him in an attempt at comfort. At the first touch of her hand on his arm, Luke flinched away, whimpering, “No, leave me alone!”

Determined not to let him go through such suffering alone, Mara increased her efforts to embrace Luke. He fought her, but she was still far more stubborn than any farmboy, and she finally succeeded in wrapping herself around his body. Using one hand to stroke his forehead and cheek, she whispered soothing words into his ear, promising him that she loved him, that she always would, and that she would never let him go.

Eventually, his struggles and mutterings subsided and he fell back into an uneasy slumber, his face still showing the pinched look of someone in great emotional pain. For the first time since she’d found him, Mara wanted to cry with the unfairness that was Luke Skywalker’s life at present. He had already endured so much even before Viktor Berdin. Why did it seem to be his fate to have to bear such trials?

She had just begun to drift back into sleep, still holding onto him protectively, when the nightmares began again, seemingly more fierce than before. He cried out, struggled, fought against her, and it was only the fact that he miraculously never awoke that let Mara keep him from flinging her or himself out of the bed completely.

Interspersed with the curses against Berdin were more piteous pleas to let him die, to end his torment, and Mara could feel the tears of hurt and anger sliding down her own cheeks, matching the ones on his. It took nearly half an hour to calm him this time, and afterwards Mara was breathing as heavily as she did after an intense lightsaber battle. As she stroked his sweat-covered brow and softly kissed his temple, Mara marveled that anyone could remain asleep through such horror-filled dreams. Perhaps this was the Force at work? Compelling him to face what he refused to face while he was awake?

If that was so, Mara was more determined than ever to push Luke to face his demons instead of hiding from them. Because seeing him in so much pain was ripping her heart to pieces. Not for the first time, she pondered what Berdin could have done to damage her Jedi so severely. After having faced all that he had during the rebellion, finding out that the Sith Lord he’d believed to have murdered his father, in fact was his father…

After remaining so strong and so steadfast through all of that, what could that monster have done to him that had broken Luke so completely?

Mara barely had the time to contemplate this before the cycle started once more. Luke’s subconscious was obviously trying to make up for the fact that he refused to deal with any of this while he was awake. Three more times that night, Luke fell victim to the clutches of a monster in his nightmares while Mara did her best to soothe him back to some semblance of calm.

By the time she’d finally managed to subdue the dreams for the last time, she was more exhausted than she’d ever been in her life. No wonder he looked tired and drawn most of the time, if this was what he normally faced on his own. She hoped that he hadn’t developed an addiction to the sleeping pills, or that was another hurdle they’d have to face. She squinted at the chrono beside the bed and saw that it was 0447. They had gone to bed almost seven hours ago, and she had probably only slept about an hour and a half of that.

She prayed that his ordeal was over for the night, because she desperately needed sleep, some real sleep. With one last clumsy kiss to Luke’s cheek, Mara closed her eyes and passed out.

*******************************

Luke awoke with a jerk, the recollections of his nightmares still vivid in his brain. He gave a shuddering sigh, and closed his eyes again for a brief moment. They hadn’t been that bad in a long while and Luke couldn’t help but think that the reason for that was Mara being here, stirring up memories he didn’t want to think about.

Feeling a little resentful, he turned his head to look at her, and was surprised to see dark smudges under her eyes, as though she were the one who’d been battling demons during the night. When he looked closer, Luke realized that what he’d thought was a shadow on her cheek was actually a bruise. He didn’t recall her having such a mark when they’d gone to bed the previous evening. When he leaned in to have an even closer look, he noted a similar place on her shoulder.

Horrified, Luke glanced down at Mara’s arms and realized they were littered with small scrapes and bruises, and one set looked very much as though fingers had wrapped viciously around her forearm. He practically flew out of the bed in his revulsion at what he had obviously done to her during the night. Evidently, she had been battling his demons for him, because she didn’t even flinch at his abrupt exit from the bed.

Vaguely, Luke could recall a quiet voice during his reliving of some of Viktor’s worst assaults, whispering that he was loved and that he was safe. Most of the time, he’d been too ensnared in the horror of his memories to hear that voice, but it…she…had managed to break through a few times. It had seemed to be always right at the point where he’d been certain he was about to lose his mind, about to be forever lost in the madness that Viktor had forced him to endure. Somehow, her soft voice had been able to pull him back from that edge.

And this was how he’d repaid her? Luke could remember fighting Mara, trying desperately to push her away, but she’d never given up. In return for her stubbornness in trying to save him, he’d marked her, bruised that pale skin that he’d once worshipped. Guilt settled over him like a heavy blanket, smothering him with its weight, and Luke shivered as a harsh sob forced its way out of his mouth.

Unable to look at the damage he’d done for one second longer, Luke stumbled out of the tiny bedroom. He was on the verge of a panic attack as he glanced wildly around the living room of his childhood home. Even this place wasn’t safe now, not when he’d so brutally hurt the woman he loved more than any other in the galaxy. Luke moaned softly in despair as he wondered where he could go now, what he could possibly do to keep the demons inside where they belonged.

His eyes fell on the small bundle of cloth that rested on a side table, having been virtually undisturbed in all the long months he’d been taking refuge here. Luke walked slowly over to it, unwrapping one end to see his lightsaber, the one he’d been so proud of constructing himself, still torn apart as it had been on the night that his entire world shifted and fell apart.

His panic subsided, and a welcoming sense of numbness took its place. He knew what he had to do now. It was time to stop running from the monster, time to stop it in its tracks and slay it, the same way he’d slain the rancor in Jabba’s palace. That had been a mercy killing, really. The beast was being mistreated by the crime lord and his minions, and Luke had done it a favor by putting it out of its misery. No difference here. It was just that this time, the monster was inside of him.

He pondered for a moment if this could be considered breaking the promise he’d made to Darek. Luke knew that the only reason Mondahl had been willing to help him run was that he’d wrangled a vow from the Jedi that he would not try anything to hurt himself. Luke had believed he’d be able to keep his word on that with no problem. After all, he didn’t want to die, he just wanted all the pain and the memories to go away.

But Darek hadn’t kept his promise either, had he? He’d sworn that he would never tell anyone where Luke was, and yet, Mara was here. So, one promise broken for another…what did it matter? And Luke was so ready for this hell to be over.

He folded the cloth back around the mess of wiring and tubing that made up his Jedi weapon and picked it up, heading for the door that led to the garage. It would have to be fixed before he could use it, but that was no problem. Luke was as familiar with this weapon as he was with his own skin.

As he cleared vaporator parts off his workbench to give himself room to work, Luke thought for a moment that using a lightsaber for such a task might be somehow against the will of the Jedi. But then he realized that it was fitting, in a way. He would use this weapon and finally be able to join his father, and Ben, and Yoda. And all his pain would be finished. He would be able to rest at last.

A sudden ripple in the Force made his hands still, and Luke sensed the presence of his father strongly. Anakin didn’t seem to be very happy with his son’s decision, and Luke’s head tilted in bewilderment. Did he not want Luke to be happy, finally? It doesn’t matter, Luke thought firmly as he frowned and shook his head. Anakin would understand once the deed was done and Luke was reunited with him. After all, had he not sacrificed his own life in much the same way all those years ago on the Death Star?

However, his insistent buzzing in Luke’s ear was distracting, so Luke closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment, calling on the Force for the first time in months to firmly block himself from his father’s influence. When the air around him was once again quiet and without interruption, Luke opened his eyes and nodded in satisfaction.

Reaching out to grab the tools he would need, Luke settled down to work.

******************************

Someone was yelling and Mara really wanted to tell them to shut the hell up, because couldn’t they see she was trying to sleep? It seemed like she hadn’t slept for days, and now that she’d finally been able to obtain that blissful state of unconsciousness, Mara was in no way anxious to give it up too soon.

Grumbling a few curses, she tried to roll over and dive back into the deep sleep she’d been so rudely jolted out of. But that voice would not be quiet. It nudged at her brain, pushing rudely into her mind and making her jerk into the edges of awareness once again.

“Emperor’s Hand!”

That shout brought her fully awake and Mara sat up with a gasp. “Master?” she said instinctively.

A rude snort had her looking to her left and her jaw nearly dropped in astonishment.

“Hardly. I took care of him years ago.”

“L-lord Vader?” Mara asked hesitantly, because it sounded rather like him, but it certainly didn’t look anything like the Sith she remembered. The sight that met her disbelieving eyes was a handsome man, far younger than she would have thought, wearing Jedi robes instead of black armor.

“I no longer go by that name, Hand. My name is Anakin Skywalker. I’m Luke’s father,” the slightly translucent image said, still sounding almost as imperious as he had when he was alive.

“I know that,” Mara snapped, and thought that he also seemed just as annoying now as when he’d been alive. Her interactions with her Master’s Apprentice had always been somewhat tense. “For your information, I no longer answer to the title of Emperor’s Hand. My name is Mara Jade.”

For a moment, Anakin’s eyes sparked and Mara thought it seemed as though he really wanted to argue with her, but then he sighed and looked at her intently.

“Very well, Mara,” Anakin said, stressing her name sarcastically. “By the Force, you’re a sound sleeper. I’ve been trying to wake you for almost an hour!” he complained.

“Yes, well, I had a bit of a rough night, if you must know. Why are you here?” she asked bluntly.

At that, a look of worry crossed the Force ghost’s visage, and Mara saw in that moment how much Luke truly resembled his father.

“Luke is about to do something extremely foolish and you’re the only one who can stop him.”

Instantly, all of Mara’s annoyance at being pulled out of a much-needed sleep and having to talk to her former rival vanished. She leapt out of the bed, only then realizing that the house was eerily silent. Normally, she could hear Luke moving around when she got up, but now, there was no noise at all from the rest of the house.

“What do you mean? What is he going to do?” she asked as she hastily searched for clothes to throw on.

“He’s going to take a dangerous step, a final step. One that he will be unable to undo, Mara Jade. He’s planning to take his own life,” Anakin said grimly.

Mara paused in shock in the middle of yanking on her pants. “What? But he…no…no, he can’t do that!”

“But he’s going to, if you can’t get to him and stop him!” Anakin said, and he was starting to sound as panicked as she was.

“Why didn’t you stop him?” Mara demanded, fastening her pants and stripping off the sleep shirt she wore without care for Anakin seeing anything, before grabbing a tunic from a pile of clothes at the foot of the bed. She shivered as she realized it was Luke’s, but didn’t take the time to change it as she searched for her boots.

“He’s blocked himself from me. I can’t even tell where he is right now.”

“What, he’s left the farm?” Mara asked in shock.

Anakin followed as Mara moved through the living room, anxiously looking for any sign of Luke as she did so. She hurried out to the garage, dismayed to find it empty, but it looked as though he’d been there recently, if the tools strewn about were any sign.

“He could be a few meters away and I’d have no clue. He’s completely masked his Force presence. You have to find him soon, Jade. I have the feeling that time is running out.”

Mara gasped, her breathing quick and shallow as she felt the helplessness wash over her. “But where do I look? So much space, and he could be anywhere!”

“He’s blocked me, but perhaps he hasn’t blocked you. Can you sense him in the Force?” Anakin asked.

Mara gave a jerky little nod and said, “I’ll try.”

“Do or-”

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence,” she said with a fierce glare.

“What, you think Yoda didn’t say that to every single padawan he ever instructed?” Anakin said with a smirk.

With a growl of irritation, Mara ignored him and closed her eyes, opening herself to the Force as Luke had shown her how to do so many times. But apparently, Luke had closed himself off from everything, because she could get no sense of him at all. She only hoped that didn’t mean that he’d already done what he had set out to do.

“No, if he’d accomplished it, I would know that,” Anakin interrupted.

“Get out of my head, Skywalker,” Mara said automatically. A wry grin crossed her lips when she realized who she was speaking to.

Anakin’s smirk simply widened, but she could still read the worry in his eyes.

Mara closed her eyes again and concentrated not on Luke himself, but on the Force instead, and whatever it might be able to tell her. And suddenly, she knew. The one other spot on this miserable planet that would mean something to Luke.

“Tell me how to get to Obi-Wan Kenobi’s hut!” she demanded when she opened her eyes again.

Anakin looked startled for a second, as though wondering why he hadn’t thought of that, and then he grinned.

Two minutes later, Mara’s speederbike was flying over the dunes of Tatooine, heading towards a tiny isolated hovel, determined to stop her farmboy from ever leaving her again.