Breath and Dreams

“SSSSS-hhhhhhhhhh, SSSSSS-hhhhhhh.”

That revolting hissing- scourging like sandpaper across the smoothed landscape of my mind. So rhythmic-so even- so controlled.

He wasn’t always this way.

“Ssss-hhhhh, Ssss-hhhhh…”

Devoid of passion, emotion, warmth… Gods how I hated to return to this place! This reality that Anakin was forcing me to acknowledge… My memories were a welcomed incubus when I was faced with the alternative of an even more horrifying reality. I had learned the hard way that some things that are lost can never be found- and that is a sad fate to suffer indeed.

“Do you really want to live forever?” I managed to whisper, my eyes still closed. There was a long pause before the respirator continued its dissonant symphony. And they thought I had lost my facilities of speech…

“It is possible to live forever,” came the baritone staccato. “ I can stop people from dying.”

The deep rumble of his artificial voice made me cringe inwardly. Those words were ghostly, echoing from another place and time- when we first traveled on the road of no return. And yet, they were so matter of fact that it was sickening.

“Anakin, when everyday becomes the same day- you are virtually dead… everyday more your hell.”

Deafening silence was the only response to my ill- received words. An incommunicable moment passed between us as I lie on the bed, holding onto the darkness. The infirmary’s stark white lights cast all their strength on my closed lids, making me only wish to shut my eyes more tightly in defiance of their harsh persistence. It was only another instant until the synchronized breathing returned, signifying the end of such a fleeting intimacy- the last connection perhaps we would share in this lifetime. How quickly it had come and gone…

Couldn’t he understand that I am content to live in half consciousness until it is time for me to let go? Not all would chose the fate that he did. Eternity is longer than he thinks, and with a past such as this to keep us company, I would not choose such specific infinity. My destiny has been fulfilled.

He must have felt me slipping back into the heady state of my reveries- I could already smell the soothing lavender and t hit hibiscus wafting in the breeze- I could feel the warmth of the golden sun on my face as my sister and I played in the meadow…

“Padme, I will not be ignored.”

SSSSSS-hhhhhhhhhhhh. Ssssssssss-hhhhhhhhhhhh.

His breath was a roar and his grip on my wrists like iron as he jerked my limp body to a sitting position. Lustrous black armor was cold and hard to the touch of my cheek as it inadvertently brushed his shoulder before lolling backwards. I won’t open my eyes. I just won’t open my eyes…

Grabbing my face in his hands he commanded me to look upon him- but I refused, forcing my mind into the haze. He jolted me to the nightmare of my reality once more with a violent (or desperate?) shake – but only an instant before I felt my head grow heavy and roll to the side…

~~
“I won’t be ignored, Padme.”

“I am tired of living this lie, Ani! I refuse to do it anymore!“

“What gives you the right to disregard my wishes? “ Anakin’s irritation quickly dissolved and his lips twisted into a sadistic smile, his tone becoming suggestive. His fingers traced the curve of my bustline while his voice grew deeper and huskier. My stomach sank as I found myself yearning for his touch before I was immediately ashamed.

“I think we have established a long time ago that you will never lord over me the way you wish.” His breath was hot on my neck sending shivers down my back as he whispered in my ear, “It is I who am the Master.”

Reluctantly wrenching my upper body away from his powerful charms, I pushed the issue. “ I cannot go on living this way, Anakin.” I stepped away from him, far enough that I would not be affected by his smell- his touch- his essence. “ Nothing is alright- do you understand?”

He furiously turned away from me, his black cloak making a loud whipping sound as he pivoted and pulled the garment out of his way. “You decided to suddenly step down as Senator, Padme. I told you not to do that.“ He paced a few feet as he tried vainly to calm himself before looking at me with a fixed stare. Pointing a gloved black index finger, he spoke again, ice replacing the fire as the stone set in his eyes.

“You decided all on your own. And now you expect me to give up everything by exposing us- after coming as far as we have?” he accused. “As far as I have?”
When he spoke again, his voice was odd- I knew he was restraining his rage with every fiber of his being. “I won’t do it Padme. You made your own decision and I have made mine.”

“You were going to leave the Order as soon as you were knighted if the War hadn’t got in the way! Ani, there is no reason why you can’t leave now- just tell them about us and- “

“No!” he snarled, his blue eyes clouding with cobalt rage. “I have told you that the Chancellor expects me to stay in the Order- I will not lose him as an ally- he is going to see to it that I have a future.”

The Chancellor. My stomach dropped and my heart fluttered into my throat. The epiphany was nauseating. The Chancellor had orchestrated everything- he was the reason why Anakin and I were able to sit here together now in private apartments when I was no longer a Senator… he knew! And what is more, Palpatine knew I wouldn’t deny my husband what time we had left together. How could I not accept an offer for utter seclusion when Anakin had gone to such lengths to se sue such a thing for us?

I stared at the pale green silk of my dress as it puddled on the floor, findihe mhe moment surreal and as if it was happening in slow motion. Brushing a loose tendril of hair from my face, I raised my eyes to his.

“What about our future, Ani?” I croaked. “ We don’t need Coruscant and all of its politics anymore- we can go back to Naboo and live a quiet-“

It was no use. He wasn’t listening to me. But how could he know? Somehow I had hidden it from even the healers… I couldn’t tell him- not yet- not now… All I knew was that I couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore- from here on in, things were going to get very difficult and impossible to hide. “Anakin, I am going to speak with Obi Wan tomorrow if you don’t.”

“You do that, Padme and we are through.”

His words fell like the axe of an executioner- cleanly, coldly, and heavily.

Those dreaded words I knew I would one day hear- whether or not he meant them made no difference to me. Things had become dire, as I knew they would from the start. I just thought we would have had more time together- well, maybe I had wished we would have more time together. With a love like ours- there was never enough time.

“Aren’t we already?” It had always been a matter of time. We looked at eachother intensely- Anakin’s stare changed immediately, his anger replaced with something foreign and wild while my eyes filled with unshed tears. We both knew this day would come- and we were acknowledging the beginning of the end. Our lives were going to be destroyed…

Retreating into the fresher, I jammed the door closed behind me and locked it knowing that it would make no difference. Anakin simply waved his hand and the door flew open with a soft hiss. He walked in unnaturally quiet and fixed me with a piercing glance. I folded my arms across my chest in wordless defiance but with another effortless wave of his hand, Anakin tore them opened and pinned them to my sides with the force as I gasped.

He then wasted no time in closing the distance between us, trapping me as he splayed his arms on the sink’s marble countertop behind my back. I looked up at him as I leaned backwards.

“Without you, everything just falls apart,” he whispered wildly, madly.

The tears were streaming down my face as I realized the floodgates restraining the torrents of hell had broke open. We wouldn’t try to hold it back any longer- I was drowningthe the deluge, spiraling down and getting sucked beneath into the under currents. I didn’t want to fight anymore and I was perversely relieved.

“Let go, Anakin, “ I murmured the bittersweet plea against his mouth. “’Just let it go.”

My words had no effect as Anakin gathered me to him tightly, his arm in a vise like grip around my waist as the other encircled my neck. He was a stranger to me, and yet I think that was the person that I knew the best. His eyes were shining with an uncontrolled fire, white hot and untamed, the flames licking hungrily to satisfy an insatiable appetite. My heart turned over in my chest as he dipped his head closer, his lips ghosting mine drunkenly.

“I need you Padme, I have to have you.”

Anakin began his litany of love and longing coherently but he quickly deteriorated into what seemed like a desperate delir onl only fragments of words registered in my brain as he drank the tears spilling from the salty font of my eyes. Seemingly obsessed, he kissed my cheeks, my chin, my eyes and my nose. When his mouth closed over mine, I could taste my tears on his lips and a sob wracked my chest as he held me to him more tightly.

I was falling into his eyes and I recognized once more the stranger that stared back at me, the real Anakin had emerged from the shadows…somehow the shrouds of midnight that he had cloaked himself in seemed more safe than the raw truth in the man before me. I shivewithwith feverish need. Like the infamously fabled Icarus flying to the sun I was galvanized by the magnetism of my body to his, and I willingly offered myself to him, content to drink my poison.

“The more we give to eachother, the more we die, “ I moaned as Anakin’s mouth seared mine. His arms crushed me ever closer to him as the heat rose between us, and like liquid silver I poured myself into him – we were melding into one another.

”I want to get inside of you,” he breathed, the low rumble of his voice melting my insides as I nearly collapsed with need.

Time can let the stars in the cold desert of space go dark; the gods can pluck the moons from the sky; the suns can burn themselves out until they are dead and frozen. I only knew Anakin and he only knew me- the universe can turn itself inside out and there is only we two.

My tears had ceased, some of them kissed away and lapped up by Anakin, others dying a tiny death as they dried on my cheek. Anakin’s hands were all over me, searching, animalistic, hungry. His touches were so mind numbing that I became hyper conscious, my overwhelming need for him to be inside of me from a thirst that could never be quenched. Operating in a miasma of lust, an unnamed force was coursing through my veins as I tore and clawed at Anakin’s clothes, relishing in the reward of baring his bronzed chest. Running my tongue over his taut muscles I traced a path from his stomach up to his neck and nipped roughly on his shoulder. With a deep groan, he wound his hand in my hair and jerked my head backwards, his teeth and lips alternating their erotic assault on my neck. The hand around my waist lifted me onto the countertop. In one powerful jerk, Anakin easily tore my dress cleanly down the middle. I watched him watching me, my chest heaving up and down as I panted with want. The green silk slipped with a soft whisper to the floor on either side of us and I wore nothing save my white lace bodice and panties.

“Get that off, now,” he commanded with a grunt. He continued to hold me in a hot stare, silently telling me about all of the things he was going to do to me. My fingers nervously worked the delicate buttons and ties as Anakin haphazardly undressed, carelessly flinging whatever garments he had left to his sides. I had just freed myself from the constraints of the undergarment when Anakin pulled my legs apart and positioned himself between them.
With a grumble from low in his throat and a swift tug, he tore the lace underwear from me, and rubbed his straining sex against my wet entrance, slickly moving up and down against me-like the sensation of sliding on satin.

He grabbed one of my legs and wrapped it around his waist while he held the other in a half straddle to the side, so he could watch. The dirty gesture of his wanting to see our intimate touching had sent the ache radiating in my center to quake all over my body. I was shaking with need when he looked up to catch my eye, a sly smile playing on the corner of his lips.

“You can’t give this up Padme, “ he grinned as he breathed through his teeth. “I can’t.”

A moan escaped my lips as raw need shuddered through my body. I was flowering for him already as my head lulled backwand hnd he hadn’t even penetrated me. My lids were now fluttering closed and I felt his rock hard length poised at my entrance. He was teasing me, applying gentle pressure but nothing more. Holding both my legs out to the side, he lowered his head to my breast, his tongue laving a hardened nipple before he sucked and licked it, forcing me to cry out.

“How can you give up someone who wants you as much as I do? Tell me, Padme, how does it feel to know somebody wants your body and soul as much as this? “ Anakin taunted, his face suddenly close to mine. We stared at eachother, nose to nose, his mouth half opened and smiling lewdly as I panted desperately, wide eyed with excitement. He pushed himself inside of me, only an inch, and I clawed at his neck and tried to maneuver to pull him closer- gods, he could never be close enough- but he held hard with my legs in a wide straddle.

“I want all of you Anakin, “ I demanded in a voice that I didn’t recognize. Lacing my fingers in his hair, I pulled roughly. I felt something snap in him as he yielded and allowed me to drag him closer, his hands no longer holding my legs apart as they slid from my calves to my inner thighs. I wrapped my legs around him and drew him close, my needs demanding fulfillment as I kissed his neck and dragged my lips across his throat.

“You’ve caught your teeth on my soul, Padme,” he groaned, pushing himself deep inside. Feeling myself stretch to accommodate his engorged manhood, I sighed loudly, half crying out with pleasure as he pushed himself to the hilt. He was tightly sheathed inside of me as he rocked against the wet velvet of my constrictive walls, his pelvis grinding against my sweet spot as he held me with one around my neck and one around my hips.

“Anakin, “ I mumbled in the haze of mind-altering passion.

“I am here, right here, always.” He answered, his mouth against mine. The rhythmic pace of his sliding in and out picked up speed. Our coupling became frantic; I was as greedy to receive as he was to give. The slick gliding and gentle contact of flesh as our hips met grew into thunderous ramming. His hands traveled to my breasts and he thumbed my nipples teasingly as he worked into my body. I answered by showering his neck and chest with passionate kisses while pulling his bottom closer with each thrust, trying to bring him further into me when our bodies met.

The sun was setting and through the window, lights cast a blinding beacon of pink corals and golden yellows into the beige room. They lent the fresher a smoldering glow, as if the area was engulfed in an orange haze of fire. I admired Anakin’s powerful muscles, wet and smooth in the fiery bath of light as they flexed and relaxed with each plunge into me.

He was mercilessly pushing me further to the breaking point, and I was pulling him with me, euphoria like we had never known threatening to overtake us with each push. An explosive release found us at the same time, our tempestuous joining consummated with short quick yells from Anakin and uncontrollable passion wracked sobs from me. Like a chant we cried out until the flames had ebbed and the clouds of smoke had dissipated from our volatile union.

For what seemed like a minor eternity, our lips lingeringly pressed to each others fully and tenderly. Anakin’s eyes reflected a man possessed yet still- his embrace like steel wrapped in a velvet cloth.

What we felt for each other was never the issue- it was the circumstances surrounding us that proved to be louder than our love. And yet it was our undying love for eachother that made us come undone- it did destroy us.

“SSSSS-hhhhh...” Ah. The rude intrusion of reality.

“SSSSS-hhhh...” Anakin never did know how to give up.

Although he is still here, soon I will go to a place where he cannot follow. Darkness swirls around me again, offering me solace in the privacy of my memories, the state between half awake and half asleep awaits me.
My mind is spinning, taking me back to the place and time that our fate was irrevocably sealed. My Ani, kissing me in the gathering twilight, the afterglow of our lovemaking generating tingles of warmth as we remained joined…

How could he have known? Perhaps if I told him then…

But then again, how could he not have known? Would it have made a difference? His decision should have been made regardless of my secret. Shouldn’t it have?

The blackness offers no answer- only the abyss of silence as I allow myself to slip once more in its sweet nothingness.

What good are the answers now anyway?
~~~

Indigo Moone
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PioneersWithPlots/