Does it Matter?

Part 3-Snowflakes and Candy canes

The next morning, Bernard had made up his mind that those new feelings he had felt last night were merely a mistake. He had been overly-tired and those new emotions were just a result of that. He was determined to act as natural and business-like around Serena as possible.

Just as he entered the workshop, a small elf with messy brown hair named Trevor approached him. "Bernard, could you please do me a favor?"

"Sure, what do you need?"

"Well, we're out of peppermint to flavor the candy canes. Could you go down to the warehouse and get us some?"

"Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can." Turning to leave, Bernard realized that he wouldn't be able to carry it all by himself. He'd have to take someone with him.

He walked slowly through the work area, surveying the workers. Because of the work overload, everyone was so busy. Who could be spared?

Then, his eyes fell on Serena. She was helping a group of elves sew quilts to go on dolls' beds. This was perfect! He'd take her along. That would give him a chance to prove to himself that these new emotions were just a result of stress.

He walked up to her, trying to swallow the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "Serena, I was wondering if you could help me run an errand?"

She looked up at him and smiled. "Of course, what do you want me to do?"

"I need you to help me carry some crates of peppermint flavor over from the storerage rooms."

"Alright," she put down her sewing and followed him toward the door of the workshop.

That's right, Bernard thought triumphantly. I can be in control of my emotions when I want to!

Then why do your knees go weak every time she smiles at you? A nasty voice in the back of his head hissed.

Quiet, he told that part of him and quickened his pace so that he was slightly ahead of Serena for their short journey to the storerage rooms. That way, in case she should happen to smile at him, he wouldn't have to worry about his knees.

The storeage rooms were located in the same building where the cookies were made so they had to exit their rosy warmth of the toy and candy workshop and venture out into the silvery cold of the North Pole.

As Bernard felt the frosty air engulf him, he sighed and let it cool his hot face and clear his mind of everything but the coldness surrounding him. The soft sound of a sharp intake of breath brought him back to reality, and he looked back to see Serena rubbing her arms to try to restore the warmth she had lost.

With a pang of guilt, Bernard realized that he had been in such a hurry to get the errand over that he hadn't given her time to fetch her coat. While his clothes were specially made to keep out the cold, the light sweater she wore wasn't doing much to warm her.

He stopped and said, "Would you like to go back for a coat? I'd forgotten that your clothes weren't suitable for the climate-"

"No, I'll be fine, thank you," she replied with a smile that went straight to Bernard's knees. "It's not that much farther and I don't mind the cold."

He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for not thinking about her clothing sooner, wanted to demand that they march straight back and get her into something warmer because he couldn't bear the thought of her being uncomfortable, but instead he simply said, "Alright," and walked on, cursing himself mentally.

When they reached the storerooms, he breathed a silent sigh of relief as he saw Serena sit down to warm herself on a sofa that was beside a roaring fire in the elves' break room. Ordinarily, he would have objected to the delay, and yet, seeing her close her eyes happily while the firelight danced on her cheeks . . . he suddenly was at a loss for words.

Before he knew what he was doing, he had sat down beside her, closer than he had ever been before. If Serena noticed the unusual proximity, she kept it to herself saying instead, "I'm glad that we have a moment. You've been so busy that I haven't had time to talk to you properly. I've missed you."

"I missed you, too," he said, much of the nervousness he had been feeling a moment earlier disappearing as some of the old familiarity began to seep back in. "Although, I stay updated on you. It's my job after all."

"Why, Bernard," she said, teasing. "I never would have thought that you would be spying on me."

"Not spying," he said, grinning, "just making sure that you've been good."

"It's not me you have to worry about," she said, the smile leaving her face. "You might want to be keeping a closer eye on Charlie, though."

"What's wrong with Charlie?" Bernard asked. "I mean, I know he hasn't been visiting up here these last few years, but I didn't think it was anything serious."

"Well, I don't suppose it's serious," she said, looking uncomfortable. "It's really just the fact that he's turned into a teenager, and you know what teenage boys are like."

"Ah," said Bernard, understanding. "Well, luckily he'll grow out of it."

"I can only hope," she said. "But then I guess everyone goes a little crazy when they first start dating."

"Did you?" Bernard asked before he could catch himself. He furrowed his brow and quickly tried to remember if Serena had ever had a serious boyfriend. Her father surely would have mentioned it if she had. . .

Serena laughed softly and said, "I haven't ever had a boyfriend to go crazy over."

That was all that was said on the matter, but for some strange reason it filled Bernard with warmth to hear that Serena had never had a real boyfriend. And why would that be? whispered that nasty little voice that he had been hearing a lot from lately. Why would that make you happy? Are you planning on dating her? I really don't see how that would work with you being. . .

Shut up! Bernard told the voice firmly and shook his head. He noticed that Serena had an almost sad look on her face, and he tried to say cheerily, "Well, you're young still. I'm sure you'll find someone to-"

"But I already have," she interrupted, before a frightened look crossed her face. She obviously hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"Have what?" Bernard asked slowly, hoping beyond all hope that he'd misheard.

Serena swallowed hard and looked down at her hands which were clasped tightly in her lap. "I've already . . . fallen in love with someone."

He didn't understand why at the time, but pain unlike any other he had ever felt pierced through his heart like a knife. After taking a minute to get control over his emotions, he managed to ask dryly, "Then what's the problem?"

"The man that I love," she said in a barely audible whisper, "will never feel the same way about me."

Bernard's head snapped up quickly to look at her, alarmed at the desperate sadness in her voice. She still was staring down at her hands, a blush spreading across her cheeks from her confession, and the firelight causing her eyes to shine with unshed tears.

He wanted more than anything to take her in his arms and comfort her, to tell her that anyone who wouldn't love her the way she deserved to be loved wasn't worth her time. He longed to hold her and kiss her and make her happy again. Unconsciously, his eyes slid down her face to stare at her beautiful mouth and wondered how it would taste against his own.

****************

Santa was just coming out of the cookie workshop with a fresh glass of milk in his hand when a strange sight met his eyes. There sat Serena and Bernard on the sofa in front of the fire. Although neither of them were looking directly at one another, their faces were flushed and they were sitting a little too close to one another.

Slightly embarrassed and feeling that he was intruding on something, he turned and went back the way he came, sitting down in the kitchen to watch the elves make cookies. He frowned as he sipped his ice cold milk and wondered which bothered him more, the idea that his daughter was old enough to be inclined toward anyone romantically, or the fact that, because it was Bernard she was with, those protective fatherly feelings that he should be having were strangely amiss.

*****************

"Bernard, are you sure you're alright?" Serena asked for the third time. They had removed the desired three boxes of peppermint flavoring from the storerooms and were now carrying them as quickly as they could manage through the falling snow. Bernard had insisted on taking two boxes, only allowing Serena to burden herself with one, but that twinge of pain in his back had steadily been increasing and now it felt like someone was stabbing him in his lower back with every step he took.

Needless to say, this was slowing him down considerably, but he wasn't about to admit it to anyone. "Nonsense," he said carelessly. "I'm just taking my time to enjoy the snowfall."

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" she said, pausing to tilt her head up to watch the delicate flakes swirl down from the heavens. Bernard watched the snowflakes gathering in her pale hair and eyelashes. She looks like a snow princess, he thought.

All too soon they reached the comfort of the indoors once more, and Bernard was finally able to set down the boxes. As he bent over, however, his lower back shot a jolt of pain up his spine causing him to let out a soft groan of pain and set the boxes down a little too hard so that the glass bottles inside clinked together.

"Bernard, what's wrong," Serena said, instantly dashing all hopes he had had about her not hearing.

"Nothing's wrong," he said quickly and began to make a hasty retreat, but a warm hand closed over his, stopping him. He sighed in defeat and allowed Serena to guide him firmly but gently into an empty workroom.

"Don't lie to me, Bernard," she said once she was sure they were alone. "You're visibly in pain. Now what's wrong?"

"It's my back," he managed to say after taking a few breaths to steady himself. Serena still hadn't let go of his hand, and it was doing funny things to his concentration. "I must have hurt it somehow."

"Then perhaps you should see a doctor."

"No, I'll be fine," Bernard insisted stubbornly, pulling his had away from hers. "I haven't done anything to injure myself, and I never get sick."

"Just the same, you can't work if you're in pain," Serena said firmly. "It's getting dark outside anyway. Why don't you just go to bed for the night? I'm sure you'll feel better after getting some sleep."

"I can't do that," Bernard insisted. "I'm the Head Elf. I have to oversee the new workers."

"I'll take care of the workers," Serena said. "You can't take a risk with something like this. If you push yourself too hard now, it's likely to get worse. The workers can manage without you for an evening, but they'll never be able to meet the deadline if you get sick and have to be in bed for a week." She began to steer him toward the steps leading up to the bedrooms.

"But I-I can't," he persisted. "I have to-"

"I'll take care of it." With one last shove he found himself walking up the stairs toward his room while Serena scurried off behind him to address a small explosion that had come from the electric car department.

Locking the door to his room firmly behind him, he threw himself onto his bed as tears burned his eyes. It was true, and he couldn't deny it to himself any longer. He was hopelessly in love with her, and the worst part was that he seemed to loose all control of his emotions whenever she was around. Bernard hated not being in control, especially of himself.

And to make matters worse, she was in love with someone else. Someone who would be sure to realize the treasure they possessed and return her love, no matter what her doubts were about his reciprocation. He would have to stand by and watch as she married someone else, would have to hear stories about her new husband on a daily basis from the boss, and she would never, ever know how much he cared for her.

At least she will be happy, he thought bitterly. But she's a human and eventually she'll grow old and die and leave me all alone. I think I could go on living with the knowledge that she's happy, but if I couldn't see her at all ever again. . .

All coherent thought left him then, and he sobbed into his pillow until he became too tired for tears. He stared up at the ceiling as one saddening thought after another chased itself around in his mind.

What would she ever see in me anyway? I'm old. I know I don't look it, but I am. True, I'll never die unless I do something stupid like fall off a roof, but . . .

She'd hate me forever if she knew how I felt. And the boss, what would he think if he knew how I felt about his daughter?

How could I ever have been so stupid as to let something like this happen? Even if, by some miracle, she were to return my love, what do I have to offer her? Nothing! I spend all my time shut up in these tiny workshops located in the middle of nowhere. That's not the kind of life she would enjoy.

And would I be able to love her the way she deserves to be loved? Would I be able to spend enough time with her with all my duties as Head Elf? Would I be able to keep her safe and make her happy and satisfy her . . . sexually?

That last thought came unbidden to his mind and a deep red blush covered him from head to toe at the thought of it. Yet, now that it was lodged in his mind, it refused to go away.

Bernard wasn't entirely innocent on what was involved in sex. He had an idea of course, but as to the finer points of it . . . he was completely clueless. He'd never even kissed anyone before, and he'd always avoided any kind of physical contact because it made him more uncomfortable than anything else.

Now, however, the idea of touching someone, as long as it was Serena, seemed more and more appealing. He wondered what it would be like to kiss her, to bury his face in her neck and breathe in the sweet smell of her hair, to trail soft kisses down her neck to her collar bone, his hands traveling to her chest. . .

Bernard unconsciously began to fumble with the opening of his trousers, desperate to free his aching erection, but at the last moment he stopped in shame. How could he ever look her in the face again if he did this?

It took all the control he could muster to stop, but he knew that he had to. He clenched all this muscles so that the pain in his back spread like wildfire. Grinding his teeth, he concentrated on the pain until his arousal had receded.

He wasn't sure what time he was able to fall asleep, but he awoke the next morning exhausted, miserable, and feeling stiff and sore all over.