Succumb

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“The bright day is done,
and we are for the dark.”

William Shakespeare


I was most displeased.

I had been ordered home by Chancellor Palpatine. Anakin was to accompany me while Obi Wan investigated a lead on the assassin. I was furious and frustrated. For over a year I had worked to defeat the Military Creation Act and now I would not be allowed to stay for the all important vote. Leaving my responsibilities in the hands of Jar Jar Binks did not make me feel any better.

Would anything be different today if I had refused that direct order?

The Jedi Council, in all their considerable wisdom, made the decision to have Anakin escort me back to Naboo and then remain as my bodyguard until the situation improved. Anakin and I…. alone together. My heart thudded uncomfortably in my chest.

In the cold light of day my musings and fancies of the night before seemed far away and not a little ridiculous. I was sure that I had imagined both Anakin’s hand upon my body as well as the words in my head. But the fact remained that Anakin was too enamored with me for his own good. I could not help but think that this was hardly one of the wisest decisions that the Jedi Council had ever made. It was like sending a jawa to guard the droid factory.


****


I was surprised and impressed by what Anakin said. I had been voicing my resentment at being ordered home and his response was so…grown up.

“Sometimes we have to let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.”

But such insight and maturity melted away minutes later as he voiced his complaints regarding his Master. Once again I sensed something deeper than just a young man straining to be free of the restrictions put upon him by a stern mentor. Absently, I wondered if Anakin would have had problems with any authority figure or was there just something about Obi Wan that raised his hackles? I could not help but speculate if Qui Gon Jinn would have faired any better in his stead.

Anakin’s moods were mercurial. One minute he was wise beyond his years and then a split second later he regressed back to the child who had been forced to choose between his mother and a bright future as a Jedi Knight. He was such an odd mix of boy and man.

I did understand his impatience to graduate from Padawan to Jedi knight. It had been his dream from the moment Qui Gon Jinn had suggested it back on Tatooine. But I knew from experience that growing up was not the magic key to happiness. Thinking only of the boy Anakin had been, I reached up and gently touched the side of his face.

“Anakin. Do not try to grow up too fast.”

Anakin’s brooding expression changed to one of heated expectation. I quickly dropped my hand regretting my impulse to give in to the childish affection that we had once shared.

“I am grown up. You said it yourself.”

His tone of voice suggested that he would very much like to prove to me just how grown up he was. Our eyes locked and he took a step closer.

I stared up at Anakin, unable to look away from his compelling eyes. That odd fluttering feeling rose again in the pit of my stomach. I felt that connection between myself and the young Jedi and I was overwhelmed with an odd mix of desire and fear. My internal warning signals went off and I ruthlessly clamped down on the highly inappropriate and dangerous feeling that Anakin was inspiring as if it were a loathsome insect under my heel.

“Please don’t look at me like that.”

A slow arrogant smile spread across his face. A smile that implied he knew exactly how much he was getting under my skin and that he was enjoying my unease.

“Why not?”

Why not? Why not?! I wanted to scream at him, to slap him, to make him understand that he had to stop because he was turning my insides into knots with his knowing glances and his seductive smiles. His nearness, his calm certainty that he had me exactly where he wanted me made me distinctly uneasy and very nervous. It also intimidated me, frustrated me, and, Force help me, thrilled me in a way I had never before experienced.

Of course I did not say any of those things.

“It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

I groaned inwardly at how incredibly weak my response sounded.

“Sorry, milady.”

I had already turned from him, intending to retrieve more of my personal items for packing. In the wardrobe mirror I caught his expression as he murmured his apology and my step faltered. He did not realize that I observed the knowing smirk which played across his lips and effectively canceled out what little sincerity there had been in his words. Anakin was no longer making any effort to hide the hunger in his eyes. My stomach muscles clenched with shock and I had to stifle a gasp lest he hear and guess the reason why.

Anakin was making no pretenses. I had thought the intensity of his gazes disturbing enough before but they were nothing compared to the naked desire and longing that I saw reflected in his face at that moment. He was not sorry at all, far from it. With that look he was no longer the boyish Anakin but a man with a man’s desire. And that desire was for me.

Keeping my face hidden, I busied myself pretending to look for some item at the back of the wardrobe. My knees were weak and it was all I could do to keep my body from slumping back against the wardrobe door.

I did not know what was happening to me. I had been desired by men before but this was something different. It was not just Anakin’s interest that bothered me; rather it was the way my body was responding to him that disconcerted me so. Normally self-possessed and virtually unflappable, I now found myself spiraling out of control.

I could feel his eyes still upon me and the blood in my veins sang with an answering need. For the first time in my life I experienced the unfamiliar feeling of physically wanting a man. I fought to quell my labored breathing and pounding heart.

I told myself that I had to remain strong for both our sakes. I was determined to remain the sober voice of reason in that unprecedented situation I found myself thrust into. How hard could it be I asked myself? The faint sound of mocking laughter seemed to echo inside my head.

How incredibly naïve I was to imagine that I could stop what was happening. I was a fool, then and now.


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“Escape me? Never – Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you.”

E.B. Browning


Despite what Anakin had said on the transport I still believed that the Jedi had little in way of romantic or carnal experience. The rumors that had made their way around the Senate had always focused on the fact that the Jedi were supposedly celibate. It was commonly accepted that, by and large, Jedi were unfamiliar to love and relationships. It was believed that this was so they could focus all their concentration on mastering the Force and using it to maintain peace.

How I reconciled that popular belief with Anakin’s ongoing behavior towards me is a mystery. I should have known better than to listen to rumors. I laugh now to think how innocent I was back then. Anakin, as I would find out in the not so distant future, had far more experience than I. He would prove adept at using his knowledge to turn my own body against me.

I was no stranger to being the recipient of seduction attempts and it had not taken me long to become a bit cynical when it came to romantic relationships within the confines of politics. As a politician in the Senate of the Republic, I was a prime target to any number of fellow delegates and lobbyists who had thought that they could lure me into their beds and thus influence my vote or gain political favors. Discerning their true motives was not a difficult task and I had no compunctions in spurning their laughably transparent advances. I had thought myself immune to affairs of the heart after awhile. This suited me greatly for I was determined to put my personal life aside to serve the greater good.

It was a fine and noble goal but it was also a lonely one. I did not realize how lonely until Anakin came along. He was so completely different from any man I had ever known. He ruined me for anyone else.


****

I was on guard when we arrived on Naboo. For the most part Anakin had behaved himself during our journey from Coruscant. There had been a noticeable absence of ardent looks and innuendos. Only once did the conversation turn back towards the topic that I was so uneasy around.

“It must be difficult having sworn your life to the Jedi. Not being able to visit the places you like. Or do the things you like.”

“Or be with the people I love?”

Anakin’s eyes burned with intensity, watching me carefully for my reaction.

“Are you allowed to love? I thought it was forbidden for a Jedi.”

“Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi’s life, so you might say we are encouraged to love.”

“You have changed so much.”

“You haven’t changed a bit. You’re exactly how I remember you in my dreams.”

I bent my head quickly to stare blindly at the contents of my dinner bowl. I could feel his eyes upon my bowed head, willing me to look back up into that mesmerizing gaze. My appetite had disappeared.

That conversation effectively ended our unspoken truce.