Control

Control
Chapter 3
Rating: NC-17 (I rather just list them all as NC-17 so I don’t have to change it from chapter to chapter)
Summary: An introduction of some of the characters and a revelation about Mikaela. The beginning of a break up and a meeting of lost souls.
Author’s Note: Two things – I am sure everyone knows what empathy is, right? I have been empathic most of my life and it tends to make me stick to solitude. As Jade knows, I even have prophetic dreams on occasion. My insomnia stems from that and nightmares of my past. Also, a breaking stick is a stick that is used to pry a pit bull’s jaws open when he is bound and determined to not let go of something. Special thanks to Nadja Lee for the inspiration to hunt down my muse and pull the bitch back by the hair.

The walls of her room seemed to close in on her. She was still in the chair by the window staring at the surrounding darkness when all of a sudden the night itself seemed to come alive and choke her.

Fear gripped her entire being. *Control it!* Panic kicked into high gear when her heart started beating so hard she thought it was going to seize.

‘Oh God! I can’t fucking breath!’, she thought wildly on the verge of hyperventilating. One hand went to her throat and the other to her chest. ‘No! It’s just a panic attack! You are not dying!’

At least that was what the ER doctor told her when she had her first panic attack and mistook it for a heart attack. ‘Funny. Didn’t believe the son of a bitch then & I never believed it the hundred or more times since.’

She got up and paced her room. Desperately trying to calm down. *Come on…control it!* She found through experience that she couldn’t sit still when the attacks came and being inside made it worse.

‘Fuck! I gotta get out of here! I can’t breathe!’ She left her bedroom, ran downstairs, and out the back door into the night as fast as her legs could carry her. *No control!*

She staggered out onto the beach and sank to her knees in the sand. Tears flowing freely and struggling to catch a decent breath. She could already feel the blackness cloud her vision and knew she would lose consciousness soon. ‘Don’t pass out! It is not a fucking option! Won’t be able to wake up when the dreams come. Calm down.’ *Control it.*

She sat Indian-style with her arms draped across her knees, palms up. Classic lotus position. Closed her eyes, focused on the top of her head, and set about the arduous task of pushing the tension & anxiety from every inch of her body.

All along oblivious of the 2 sets of eyes watching her every movement.

Sleep did not come to Dom that night. He lay there and stared thoughtlessly at the ceiling. Numb. No control. All the emotions that ran their course through his system earlier left him feeling empty…stagnant.

He got up and went to his window to let in some air. He opened it and leant on the sill. As he looked out at the cold, blackness of the ocean, he added darkness and loneliness to his growing list of anguish. ‘House full of people and I never felt so alone in my fucking life!’

The sound of a door crashing open startled him from his solitude and drew his attention to a dark haired woman running from the house next door. ‘She’s running like the devil himself is right on her ass.’ Just as he thought about going to her aide in case she was in trouble…she stopped.

He watched with curiosity as she dropped to her knees on the beach. In the light of the moon, he could see she was gasping lungfuls of air and shaking like a leaf. ‘Looks like we aren’t the only ones here with crosses to bear.’

He continued to watch her struggle with her inner demons and felt an uncontrollable urge to help this woman…to comfort her and try to ease her pain that was so tangible he could feel it choke him. It seemed to emanate from her very being and strike him dead center in his soul…in his own broken heart.

Her head snapped up all of a sudden and he watched as she drew on some inner power and forcibly rearranged her body into meditation pose. Fighting for control.

Her back was still towards him so he could not see her closed eyes or the intense look of concentration on her face but he could see her body still…the tremors leaving her form.

Micki was concentrating hard on trying to relax. Irony. A psychologist that specialized in biofeedback hooked her up to a machine that made an annoying beeping sound. The machine’s sound was triggered by muscle tension, skin temperature, sweat activity, heart rate, and blood pressure.

The more upset you were, the faster the infernal contraption beeped. He taught her a meditation procedure to relax then told her the calmer she was the slower the beeping. The goal – make the damn thing silent. “Use what I taught you in a way that best suits you to make yourself calm down. I’m going to leave you alone for ½ an hour and I expect the machine to be dead quiet when I come back.”

‘Asshole. It used to be so easy to control my mind and body. Now the effort I put into “relaxing” leaves me dead ass tired! How the hell did I come to this?’

She found with practice to start at the top of her head and relax it. Then move down inch-by-inch, not moving on until she succeeded with each section, until she reached her toes.

As her thought of ‘how the hell did I come to this’ crossed her mind the image of receiving a head butt to the nose flashed to the forefront of her memory. *No control. Not even during meditation.* “Uhhh!” She responded vocally to the mental attack.

‘Did she just flinch?’, Dom thought as he watched her perform this ritual. He saw her head fall back and her hands fly up to cover her face. A very discernable cry of pain carried to his ears in the night breeze. ‘Fuck! It looks like she just took a fucking punch!’

“NO!”

Mia woke to a cry that seemed to come from the living room. She quickly got out of bed and ran out her door into the common area of the house.

Dom glanced away from the window when he heard someone moving around downstairs. He turned back to watch the mystery woman and thought, ‘Seems like we aren’t the only two up at this hour darlin.’

Not finding anyone there, Mia wondered briefly if it was Letty that she heard. ‘No. That yell did not come from the next bedroom.’

As she walked by the French doors leading to the beach, she noticed a woman sitting in the sand. She stopped and watched her through the glass.

Micki clutched her face feeling the imaginary pain of the broken nose. “NO!!!” Tears poured from her clenched eyes and she started to rock herself back and forth. ‘This is NOT real!’

Mia cracked one of the doors open but was torn between running out to see if she was okay – or – watching this woman deal with a pain, that she knew in her heart, rivaled or even exceeded her own. Before she could decide she saw the woman still her movements and drop her arms to her sides.

“Stop it! Why are you doing this to yourself? He is not here.” She took a deep breath and blew it out. “Come on girl. Get your shit together.”

Dom heard her words and ran the flinch and invisible jab through his head. ‘Someone broke you good, girl. And not just your heart.’

Mia, who wasn’t present for the things that came before her outspoken cries, came to her own conclusion after hearing her words. ‘Lost love. She lost someone dear to her heart…just like me. Brian and Jesse.’
They both watched from their prospective vantage points as she started her meditation again.

‘Relax your scalp…good. Forehead…yes. Eyes and nose. Taking longer but it is expected. Come on. Get past this. Yes! Jaw…another bitch area. Goddamn thing is clenched so tight I need Zeus’s breaking stick to pry these fuckers apart.’

Another flash of un-welcomed memory came with a fist to the right side of her jaw. She made the “ghost punch” to reflect outwardly as a mild flinch that went unnoticed to Mia but blatantly obvious to Dom’s trained eye.

‘Come on, girl. Shake it off. You can take the fucker! Roll with those damn punches and come back up swinging.’ The thoughts of encouragement directed at the woman came back and hit Dom like an anvil. Here he was, watching the mother of internal fights taking place within the mind, body, and soul of an unknown woman. A woman whom he dwarfed in size and physical strength. And yet he was losing his own fight…badly. In fact, he had the distinct impression that she could kick his ass from here to the ends of the world in a battle of willpower.

‘Past the jaw. Come on. Come on!’ The stress of the forced concentration was exacting a toll. She was tiring quickly but held on as she moved her focus down her neck, shoulders, arms, back, legs, and finally reached her feet.

Even with the cool sea breeze hitting her and dressed in only a black sports bra and biker shorts, she was sweating profusely from her exertions. But…her task was complete. She was numb from head to toes. She felt boneless and swayed slightly in the breeze.

‘She did it. She tranced out. Hell of a fight, baby. That’s my girl.’ Dom froze suddenly with those thoughts. ‘What the fuck? Baby? My girl? Where the fuck did that come from?’

Micki swayed with the breeze. She had a feeling of euphoria and disassociation. And, in that moment of complete peace, her body finally gave out on her and she collapsed back onto the sand.

This scene played out for both observers and again two different conclusions were drawn.

Dom watched her fall back and succumb to the exhaustion he knew she must be feeling because it mirrored his own.

‘Relax darlin’. You earned it. You won your battle. I just hope you have it in you to survive your fucking war.’ He turned from the window and headed back to his bed.

‘Interesting woman. Fragile yet with a hell of a hidden reserve of strength. Can’t wait to meet her.’ Again he was startled by his thoughts. He had Letty. ‘For the moment anyways.’ And then he reflected on all the pain that was eating his insides.

It all started earlier this same day and grew exponentially after each tragic event transpired. Jesse dying. Vince’s injury and arrest. Letty getting injured. Brian’s betrayal. And finally the looks of disappointment, anger, and betrayal directed at him from Leon and Mia. He never felt such a total lack of control in his life – not since the loss of his father.

‘My battle is coming, girl. I wish I knew how a slip of a thing like you could win yours ‘cuz I don’t think I’ll make it through mine.’

Mia saw her crumble and thought she finally gave in to the despair and grief for her lost love. She opened the door the rest of the way and stepped out on the patio. She was hesitant to rush out to her but also felt drawn to a kindred spirit whose pain was a physical presence. Unbidden tears flowed from Mia’s eyes as a pain that wasn’t her own struck her like an unseen force. She blinked them away as she tried to screw up the courage to approach this tortured soul.

Her mind was completely blank and she loved it. Something special always came to her when she reached this level of clarity. He always came.

*Hey Mick.*

‘Rob. I’ve missed you.’

*I’ve missed you too baby. But I’ve always been here – even when you weren’t ready to hear me.*

‘Sorry ‘bout that love. It takes a lot on my part to get my head right for this.’

*I understand, baby, but this is your gift. It’s always been your gift. It’s what drew us all to you from the start. You had an insight that gave you an edge when dealing with all of us.*

‘So…you are here because…’

*Don’t you feel it? Pain. Suffering. The house next door reeks of it.*

‘Yeah’, she thought with a heavy sigh. ‘I can feel it. I think it might have something to do with how bad things got for me. I fed off of it. I’m sure I did.’

*You always did, love. No wonder your emotions were so erratic in school. I always thought it was female mood swings but no…not my best friend. She has to be a fucking empath.*

‘It never was a joy ride for me, Rob. And I never thought of it as a gift. Those “mood swings” wigged everyone out. They never could tell if I was approachable or not. For someone who was so fucking popular I always felt like a freak. And drinking! Shit. No one ever knew if I was going to be a happy drunk, a sad drunk, or a raving psychotic drunk. I never knew which one I’d be.’

*Heh. I know. It was always fun to see how those parties would turn out!*

‘Not funny, Rob.’

*I know, Mick. It was just the burden of being you. Speaking of, let’s get down to business. What are you feeling?*

She concentrated and reached out with her feelings. ‘Four people. All hurting down to the core of their beings. But…’, she paused for a moment, ‘two of them have connected to me on a very personal level. How?’

*Baby, you project your emotions almost as much as you feel others. Always have. How do you think I always knew when you needed me?*

‘Psychic?’

*Nope. All you and your empathy.*

‘Sorry.’

*No. Don’t even. I’m not. I always felt we were connected by an unbreakable bond because of it. Like super powers or something. We were bonded and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.*

‘Rob. Do you remember what we were fighting about before you…’

*It doesn’t matter anymore baby. So, let me run this down for you. Eventually, all 4 of those people are going to need your help in varying degrees. One more so than the others. And you owe that one. He helped you during your struggle earlier. Did you feel it?*

‘My jaw. That one should’ve been harder to get past than the rest but I pushed through.’

*That was him. You drew off of him. Anyways, you will help two of them sooner than the other two. He will be amongst the first two. The other is one you projected to and she is trying to work up the nerve to come over here.*

‘Shit. I know. I can feel her.’

*So…are you ready to do what you do?*

With another heavy sigh, she thought, ‘Yeah. I’m game but I can tell you this whole thing is going to fucking suck.’

*I know. Pain, loss, betrayal, and rage. You’re fixing to get a double dose of your own poison. Sorry love. I know this is going to hurt like hell but who knows? When it’s over and you work your mojo and help them, maybe, just maybe, this can find you some peace too. I gotta go baby. Your first “victim” is coming. I think she might be under the impression that you passed out. See ya soon, doll.*

‘Bye love.’

She knew since she was a child that she was empathic. It had its good and bad points. It wasn’t until Rob’s death that she ran the things she pulled in from others past her subconscious.

And, to keep her dead friend alive, she appointed him her subconscious. Kind of like talking to him in her dreams but something she could accomplish when she hit this meditative state.

She was still lying on the beach with closed eyes when she sensed the girl’s presence. She took a couple of deep breaths to prepare for whatever onslaught of emotions this girl was fixing to unleash on her.

“Hello? I’m sorry if I am disturbing you but…I…was just checking to see if you are okay.” A wave of apprehension swept through Mia when the woman didn’t respond. She forced herself to continue, “My name is Mia. Is there anything I can help you with?” She saw the woman’s tear-stained face and again shared her pain.

As Micki heard the soft-spoken voice, she winced at the barely contained pain that flowed through to her.

Mia saw the woman clench her eyes and felt like she invaded an extremely personal moment. Just as she turned to walk back to the house, she heard a throat clear. She turned to stare into a set of eyes as black as the night. ‘If eyes are the windows to the soul…’, she thought.

“Mia”, came a voice raspy from crying. “Mikaela.” She held out her hand in greeting. When Mia grabbed it, Micki gave a gentle pull to encourage her to sit. “Join me? I get the distinct impression we both could use some company.”

“Thanks.”

As Mia joined her, Micki turned her head away and screwed her eyes shut for a moment trying to edge the impending migraine away. She turned back to the girl and thought about engaging her in friendly conversation but realized she was content to sit in the shared silence. Micki stopped “projecting” and read Mia. ‘Rob wasn’t kidding. Double dose of my own poison.’ They caught each other’s glance, smiled and then turned back to stare out at the black ocean. The emotions flowing from Mia to Micki were pretty dark but somehow she had a feeling that Mia wasn’t going to be the one that pushed her to her edge. ‘The man. The one I drew on. Well, shit. And I wanted to meet the new neighbors. What the fuck was I thinking?’