Control

Title: Control
Chapter 4
Author: Angelsdee
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Mikaela starts her process of healing – her first patient…Mia. And an unexpected encounter with Dom.

The girls sat side by side in pained silence. Companionable but pained. Micki had a decent headache working now. Mia had all 4 of the required emotions that ‘usually’ left her with an incapacitating migraine. But…for some reason…the degree of her suffering was decreasing now.

“You’re hurting aren’t you?” Mia quietly asked.

‘Ok. Give her the obvious answer since she witnessed the show already.’ She replied in a flat tone, “Yeah.”

“What is hurting you?”

“Currently…my head”, she joked with her dry humor.

“Oh. Look…I’m sorry if I am prying.”

‘Man, could I possibly be a bigger bitch? This girl is reaching out to me because I projected my shit to her. She’s actually trying to heal herself by helping me. Sorry Mia, hon, but that is my job…burden…curse…whatever!’

“Mia…don’t. I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now. Old ghosts. That is what is hurting me. Old ghosts that need to be put to rest.”

She watched Mia process that information and decided ‘it’s time’. “Mia, what is hurting you?”

“New ghosts”, she said as she dropped her head to stare at her lap.

‘Nuh uh. No hiding. That is my gig too.’ Micki reached out a hand and tipped up her chin, forcing eye contact. She stared into her eyes for a moment, gave a small sympathetic smile and, without words, urged her to continue.

Mia felt a weight lift. Something about the depth of Mikaela’s gaze gave her the feeling that she could handle anything that was thrown at her. That somehow she could relieve her of this burden. That she wouldn’t judge and she could be trusted. So, she proceeded to tell her tale.

She started with Jesse…his murder. ‘Loss.’ She cried when she told Micki he was like a brother to her and now he was gone. “Mia, I’m there with you. I lost someone that was the same to me as Jesse was to you. Now, I could feed you the infamous ‘it will get better with time’ speech but I’d be lying through my fucking teeth. It is different for everyone. Some people come to terms with it and move on and some carry it forever and never recover. You’ll deal. I can tell. He is in a better place. That speech I believe.”

“You think I can deal?”

“Definitely. You have a strength. I can feel it. Now…continue…because I can see in your eyes there is more.”

She continued with Vince, a friend she lost to the law. He was hurt severely during the incident leading up to his arrest. ‘Anger?’

She went on saying how it was all so unnecessary. They had everything one could possibly want but it never seemed to satisfy them. Now they lost everything. It seemed like poetic justice to her.

She knew they all had different kinds of wants and reasons for doing these heists. Jesse did it to fit in. Letty wanted unconditional love. Leon…she wasn’t exactly sure but she thought it was for approval. Which confused her because she had a feeling that he didn’t want it from Dom. Vince did it for some perverse fun. And her brother…she had no earthly idea.

It seemed like fit punishment that they all lost what they were trying to achieve from this stupidity! ‘Yep. Definitely anger.’

Micki knew no words were needed here. Mia just needed to vent and now that she did…she deflated somewhat and her sobs continued.

‘There’s more, love.’ She placed an arm around Mia’s shoulders and leaned slightly against her. ‘I have a feeling we’re about to get to the kicker.’

“Keep going, Mia. Let it go.”

“Brian”, she hesitated to take a deep breath. “I love him.”

“That’s great, hon. Everyone needs someone to love. I think it is as vital as breathing. Love is essential to live.”

Mia looked up at her with big doe-like eyes. “That was beautiful. Do you really believe it?”

“God, yes. I think you only have half a soul until you find your true love. The one that makes you whole…complete.”

“Where is your other half?”

A stab of pain shot through her heart with that question. Tears fell from her eyes and she whispered, “I never found the other half of my soul, Mia. I remain incomplete. And the half I started with…well half of it died when I lost the only love I could find.”

Mia gasped as the silent pain rolled off of Micki in waves. “What happened to him?”

“There were 2 of them. The first is the friend I mentioned earlier. He died right in front of my eyes…’no control’…just like your Jesse.” Her voice sounded hollow and she had a distant look in her eyes.

“And the other?”

All of a sudden her eyes cleared and she snapped back to here and now. She locked her gaze with Mia’s, “the other”, and Mia could almost swear she saw a fire ignite in the black abyss off Mikaela’s eyes, “the other I wish to see die before my eyes!”

Mia sensed this was a forbidden subject. She feared the thought of even trying to cross that line. She looked back to the ocean trying to shake the sense of danger and agony emanating from this woman.

Micki took a moment to compose herself. She felt Mia shaking against her. ‘Fuck. I projected! You scared her, you fucking twit! Now all I can feel is her fear…of me. This is supposed to be about her…for her. Shit, this is making my headache worse.’

She tightened her hold across Mia’s shoulders giving a slight hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Let’s just leave it at…I have some issues.”

“It’s okay. Everyone needs to vent. You let me.” Mia leaned into the hug and whispered, “I’m sorry you’re incomplete. And I’m sorry you only have a quarter of your soul left.”

With a slight smirk and a roll of her eyes, Micki said, “Well…the last time I did the math I was down to an eighth but at least that’s better than a sixteenth.”

They both started to chuckle and Mia brought her arm up and draped it across Micki’s back…returning the hug.

Dom was getting anxious. He knew the shit was about to hit the fan. He could feel it. He could feel a lot of things and that was the problem. He wasn’t used to the myriad of emotions running rampant through his system. He always preferred to keep himself closed off. ‘Safer that way. Won’t get hurt so bad that I end up like her.’ The fact that the woman from the beach just entered his thoughts again surprised him. ‘Why can’t I get her out of my head? I have my own problems.’ The image of her on her knees in the sand rocking herself back and forth flashed through his mind. It made him nervous. ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ He got up and paced his room. ‘Is this what a fucking anxiety attack feels like?’

He stopped at the window and leaned out to pull some air into his lungs. A small, but ineffectual, attempt to clear his head.

He looked out on the beach and saw her. She had occupied his thoughts from the moment he saw her running from her house. Except now…she wasn’t alone.

‘Mia?’

The two were sitting beside each other with an arm draped across the other’s shoulders. He could just barely hear the sound of…giggling?

“All right Mia. Back to this true love of yours. Where is Brian?” Micki could feel the change in Mia in that instant.

“He’s back in the states.” Tears began to well up and flow freely. ‘Yup. There it is. Pain.’

“Why isn’t he here?”

“My brother, Dom, thinks he betrayed us. Even though he let us go. He won’t let me see him anymore!” Her shoulders shook violently with her wrenching sobs.

“What do you mean ‘he won’t allow’? You are a grown woman. Your choices are your own to make.”

“He’s my big brother who happens to think that title gives him dominion over my life!” ‘And there it is…betrayal.’

“He would kill Brian if he ever saw him again. Mikaela, I don’t know what to do. I love him. He IS my other half. I need to be with him.” She was getting damn close to frantic. She stared at Micki with pleading eyes. “Please tell me what to do!”

“Calm down honey.” She held the shaking girl and projected comfort to her.

Dom could clearly tell the mood just changed drastically on the beach. The woman was hugging Mia and rocking her slightly back and forth.

‘They’re sharing their pain. I know what Mia’s are. And I clearly saw the fuckload of pain she’s hauling around.’

He continued to watch the comforting scene below when he saw the woman’s back stiffen. She quickly turned her head, caught his gaze, and stared straight through him.

‘How did she..?’

‘Ahh. There you are. The big brother I presume. I feel your strength but it is buried away under…shit…pain! Enough to rival my own. You weren’t kidding Rob. This is going to hurt like hell.’

She continued to stare into his eyes. Reaching out with all of her senses, she started to peel away the many layers of this man. Then she found something that struck a cord deep within her. She couldn’t identify why but the broken pieces of her heart and soul reached out to touch him.

Dom stared back into the pitch black eyes that seemed to bore into his very soul. He started to feel a warmth invade his being. It was unsettling and yet soothing at the same time. He wanted it to stop. He didn’t feel worthy of it but he craved it all the same.

He felt drawn to her when she was suffering. So much so, that he mustered every ounce of strength he had left and prayed for her to take it and use it. To save herself when she was fighting her battle.

He started to shake his head in denial. He did not deserve to feel the things she was making him feel. Tears started to fall from his eyes. ‘You don’t want this. I don’t deserve someone like you. You’re already broken. I would destroy what’s left of you. That’s what I do. I fuck up everything I touch. You’re holding proof of that in your arms.’

He tried to break whatever connection was binding them together to no avail. He couldn’t even break the eye contact. The bond was too strong.

She was drowning inside of him. She hadn’t ever felt anything like this before. She loved and feared wrapping herself in him. She fought to break free out of sheer fear of the unknown. Her chest was burning.

It suddenly became too much. She was suffocating in him. ‘No control.’ Her heart felt like it was being forcibly torn from her chest as an offering…a sacrifice…to him. ‘No. You can’t have it. It’s all I have left. If you take it…I won’t have anything…I won’t be what’s left of me anymore.’

His body started to shake with the effort he was using to break free of her. He loved and loathed feeling her inside him. He couldn’t control himself. Not his emotions, his heart, or even his body. ‘I can’t even break her stare.’ Just as his being was about to give up the fight for control…she released him.
He felt the loss immediately. Empty. There was a hole inside of him where she use to be. He wanted and fought her occupation of his soul. Now that she vacated it…he wanted her back. It was the first time he ever felt whole.

‘No. She is precious. You cannot ever be trusted to handle something so fragile. You’d break it. Destroy it. Leave nothing of it behind but dust. It’s what you do. She was not meant for you.’

She came back into herself in a rush. It left her head spinning and her chest still burned. She couldn’t make sense of what she was feeling and it bothered her to no end. ‘Emotions…they’re my fucking forte. How did he make me feel like I was ‘home’ inside of him? I am my home. He made me feel like a stranger to my own skin.’

She had never been so tired before. Mentally and physically. Tears were running unchecked down her face…and she didn’t care. A complete stranger managed to accomplish in seconds what no-one had ever done before…he found that pathetic little fucked up scrap of a soul she had and nurtured it. He pried his way into the core of her being and took a tour. She loved it for a moment and when that scared the hell out of her she kicked him out. Now she felt hollow. She wanted him back.

‘You will be my downfall. My complete and utter ruin. I know how everything in your house is going to unfold. I know now you are the one who will need my help the most and I owe you but you scare me. I am afraid of you and what you are capable of doing to me. And yet I am now committed.’

As they finished their individual thoughts and faced their hidden fears, they happened to catch each other’s gaze once again. They both visibly flinched and their faces mirrored the fear of the eye contact. When nothing happened, they ran their eyes openly over each other. A heat started to burn. A spark ignites. They looked into each other’s eyes again, exchanged sad smiles, and turned away.

Dom dropped onto his bed. Sleep finally dragging him down. His last thought was of her. ‘I don’t want to hurt you. Please don’t make me.’

‘Yep. He will definitely be my downfall. A lifetime seemed to pass in those few minutes.’

“Mia.”

“Yeah?” the girl looked up at her with a tear-soaked face.

“You asked me what I thought you should do. I think you need to go claim the other half of your soul. Go get your Brian.”

“Really?”

“Definitely.”

“But what about Dom? He would…”

“Ok. Stop right there. Don’t even finish that thought or sentence. Mia this has nothing to do with your brother. Not one damn thing. This is all about you and your happiness.”

“You already know what I think of love. As for happiness…what’s the point in living without it? Now…look at this wealth of wisdom you just received from a woman with one eighth of her soul and hasn’t known a day of happiness in well over 2 years. Why are you listening to me again?”

Even though the joke hit her right where she lived, it achieved its purpose. Mia laughed. “Because you are a very wise woman.” She leaned her head against Micki’s shoulder again. “Mikaela. Two questions. How do I find Brian? And…what do I do about Dom?”

“Why would you have a hard time finding Brian?”

“Well…he is an undercover cop. Hence the reason my brother hates him. And by the time I found that out about him – we had to leave to come here – and I don’t know who he works for.”

“Damn Mia. Did you even take a breath during all that? Young lady, you hit a jackpot. My family is well connected. They can find him for you but there is a catch. You have to go to them.”

“Okay. I can do that but that leads me right back to question 2. What do I do about Dom?”

“You have 2 choices the way I see it. Either take off and not tell him a damn thing or stand up to him and tell him the score. Which ever you decide, I’ll be right there with you.”

“Really?”

“Yep. If you decide to take off like a thief in the night, I’ll drive you to the airport and then hand your brother the goodbye note. And if you decide to face him, I got your back.”

Mia flashed her the brightest smile she had ever seen and she quickly found herself in a tight embrace.

“Thank you”, came a soft whisper.

“My pleasure.”

They both looked back out on the ocean. Micki let a few seconds tick by and asked, “so run or stand?”

“What are you kidding? I’m definitely running.”

“Cool. I need a drink. Come on. Let’s go inside and I’ll make us a couple of Fuzzy Navels. Then we’ll call the airport and I’ll help you write the fucking note.”

They got up and strolled arm-in-arm into Micki’s house. Giggling like a couple of teenagers.

‘One down. Three to go!’