Succumb

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“No light, but rather darkness visible.”

John Milton


Secrets destroy. One lie turns into another and before you realize it you are unable to recognize the truths that you once held as self-evident. Were we ever real Anakin? Or were we always a lie, a lie created by you and nurtured by me?


****

Two days had passed since that torrid scene in the meadow. Since then Anakin had remained in the mode of protector and friend, bidding his time until his next move.

Anakin spent the time regaling me with stories of the many missions and adventures that he and Obi Wan had shared since last I had seen them. He went out of his way to deliberately make light of many of the situations to amuse me, to stop me from dwelling on the way he had tried to seduce me that day in the meadow.

But at the same time he wanted me to remember. He wanted me to remember the way his body had pressed against mine, the way he had used his hands and mouth to make me whimper and shudder beneath him, and the feel of his hardness grinding against me through burdensome clothing. And above all, he wanted me to remember that I had wanted him with the same hunger that he had for me, that I was not being honest with myself or him. He wanted me to know without a doubt that what was between us was something I could not hide from or pretend did not exist.


****

Anakin lacked the smooth and practiced lines that the more cosmopolitan men of Coruscant and Naboo brandished. When it came to expressing his feelings he was clumsy but sincerely impassioned. There was no artifice to Anakin. He spoke from the heart without reservation, making no effort to hold anything back. His strength lay in the fact that there were real feelings behind the rather clichéd words that tumbled from his lips. I found him utterly disarming – and utterly disturbing.

I wondered if he was even aware of the words he used to describe his feelings.

“Agony….Tormenting me……Can’t breathe…..Haunted……Scar.”

It could never work, he had to know that. It was impossible. A Jedi Knight and a senator? I tried to tell him that it was not feasible but he determinedly forged ahead demanding that I listen to him. I struggled to remain focused and rational. I was not going to let myself be swayed by my physical desires. With every last ounce of willpower I possessed, I escaped from his side where I had spent the last few minutes squirming uncomfortably at his impassioned declaration.

My pleas to remember who we were and what positions we held fell on deaf ears. Anakin’s mind was already working to find a way around my sound reasoning.

I watched his tall figure move into the shadows as he considered what to say next. When he turned to face me again I noticed the way the flickering fire light transformed his young face into the hard planes of a determined man.

“It doesn’t have to be that way. We could keep it a secret.”

I gaped at him, disbelief and dismay washing over my face. I groped for the right words to make him understand that what he was suggesting would only end up destroying both of our lives.

I did not like the look on his face as he seemingly acknowledged the truth of my words. Anakin was giving in much too easily for someone who had just made such a vehement declaration. Deep down I think I knew that Anakin was allowing me a hollow victory to lull me into thinking he was accepting the reality of our situation. When in actuality he had every intention of continuing to whittle away at my defenses until I had no other option but to yield.

Anakin Skywalker never gave up when he wanted something. And what he wanted then was me – and my unconditional surrender.

As he walked away I imagined that I heard his voice inside my head and I shuddered.

//Accept it, Padmé, you belong to me//


****

I slept very little that night. I had gone around and around with what to do about Anakin and my unwelcome feelings for him until I thought I would scream. When I tried to put a name to what I felt for him nothing seemed appropriate. I knew that I physically desired him but did I love him? And what exactly did he feel for me? Throughout his speech he had never once used the word love to describe how he felt. Was it purely physical for him? How long could desire last without love? But the way he had looked at me when he had knelt at my feet flashed in my head. No, I knew it was not just lust that drove him to pursue me so single mindedly.

I groaned and buried my head in my pillow. I wanted my old life back. I wanted the old me back. I longed for the days when I owned all my own thoughts and my body did not betray me so traitorously. The hunger that Anakin had awakened in me was going to burn me alive, I was convinced of it. With that last troubling thought I finally managed to drift into a restless sleep.


****

Anakin was already on the balcony when I awoke. He stood with his back to me, hands clasped behind him and legs positioned in a wide stance. I took a few tentative steps towards him before realizing that he was immersed in his Jedi meditations. I had turned to go when his voice stopped me.

“Don’t go.”

“I do not wish to disturb you.”

“Your presence is soothing.”

How I wished I could have said the same about his presence regarding my own peace of mind.

“You had another nightmare.”

“Jedi don’t have nightmares.”

“I heard you.”

I had heard him cry out sometime in the early morning hours and had gone to his chamber without hesitation. I had witnessed one of his nightmares when we had been on the transport and I knew the state they left him in. But even as I had entered the darkened room and started towards his bed, Anakin’s nightmare ended of its own accord and he settled back down into a normal sleep. I was torn between the desire to continue forward to reassure myself that he was indeed all right and the knowledge that to do so would be inviting trouble. Belatedly I remembered I was clad only in a thin nightgown and that I had no idea what, if anything, Anakin wore to bed.

Fire, Padmé, you keep playing with fire, my mind whispered warningly. Recognizing the truth of those words I had wisely retreated and returned to my own room.

I came back to the present to hear Anakin telling me that he had to go to Tatooine to make sure his mother was all right. My heart turned over in my chest. I did not know exactly when it had happened but being with Anakin had become as essential to my survival as air and water.

I could not let him go alone. I could not risk his being censured by the Council for disobeying his mandate to protect me. Nor could I bear to see him in so much pain. His mother was all the family he had left.

It never occurred to me that time apart would have allowed me to gain some distance and perspective on my tumultuous feelings.

Or did Anakin still have the presence of mind to continue to exert his growing influence over me even in the depths of his despair?