Finding Home

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psyche b

5. A More Perfect Union

Hellboy figured he shouldn't have been there, and Bethany damn sure shouldn't have been there. They were only werewolves. With the right ammo, anybody who's a half-decent shot can kill a werewolf. What the hell good was an aerokinetic against something you just shoot? Not to mention the fact that the ink was barely dry on Bethany's medical clearance. Manning didn't give a shit about any of that. On the two hour ride to the location he'd told her what to expect, but the back of a garbage truck was no place to bring up anything else.

When they got there, they split up. Again, not his idea, but probably expedient. Reports were of a total of twelve. His murmured spell told him that was accurate. Between the two groups, they got rid of the first ten easily enough.

He'd heard Bethany was a good shot, and that rumor was true. The agents told him later that first two she got were clean kills, just like the other two her group took out. His group got six. The last two were sneaky bastards. They were circling around to regroup and their quarry was doing the same when he got one of them. He was close enough to see the exhaustion etched on Bethany's face when the last one launched itself at her from behind. She turned and fired, but her aim was off. The silver drove the demon back into hiding, but didn't didn't kill the physical body. The thing took its human form again, and started to scream that Bethany was a murderer.

Bethany looked like someone had punched her in the gut. It didn't help that one of the agents picked that moment to shoot the thing in the head. He didn't know what happened in Bethany's head at that instant, but there was nothing in her eyes by the time he got to her. He didn't think she heard him threatening the agent. He knew for a fact she didn't hear anything else he said on the ride back. She was curled up, hugging her knees and she had one of her shields around herself. His fingers caressed the outside of it, and hoped she felt some comfort from it.

Father said it was some kind of psychological shock and they kept her in the medical wing for forty-six hours. Red knew how long it was because he spent almost the exact same amount of time in the waiting area. Some shrink tried to get her to talk, but as far as he knew she said maybe three words in the whole time she was there.

An hour after she was released, Red left for another trip into the field. He was glad no one mentioned Bethany going along, someone would've had a fight on their hands. They were gone for three days. When they got back, he learned she hadn't been out of her room.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Bethany lay on the sofa, not sleeping. She didn't clearly remember the last time she had slept for any length of time, but she knew it was before. Every time she closed her eyes she saw that woman, the one she'd helped kill. If exhaustion took her past that point, the screams echoed in her ears along with the sickening sounds of blood, brains and a body hitting the ground. She'd slept in twenty-minute spurts and never more than twice a day.

Glen had come by several times, but she hadn't answered the door. Davis came in at least once a day, so did Janet. Both of them tried to get her to talk, or to cry, or to sleep, or something to try and release some of it. She didn't seem able to do anything. It was all just stuck there.

She lay there, avoiding it all, trying to will it away and wall it off from her consciousness when there was another knock. It was too late for Janet or Davis. She was in no mood to talk to Glen. She lay there, silent. Whoever it was would go away. The knock came again, more insistent this time.

“Bethany?” She recognized Red's deep voice, but he almost never used her name anymore. She wasn't sure if she could face him. “I ain't goin' away.”

Bethany knew him well enough to know that he wasn't. She got up and opened the door a little.

“You look like hell.” He said.

“Well thank you for dropping by to tell me.” She started shut the door again but he stopped her, and opened it wider.

“You're welcome. Come on, it's Wednesday night.” He took her hand. Bethany stayed where she was.

“I don't feel like watching a movie.” She didn't try to take her hand out of his, but she didn't move either.

“Okay, so we'll sit there and stare at the walls. Either way, you're gettin' outta here.” He said firmly.

“I'm not going anywhere. I haven't even showered today.” This time she did take her hand out of his.

“Alright, you got half an hour.”

“Fine, I'll be over then.” She turned away again.

“No. I'll wait.” He walked in and shut the door behind himself.

“You'll-?” Bethany was somewhere between stunned and mad as hell.

“You wanna argue? Okay, we can argue. We argue for ten minutes, you'll have twenty left.” He just stood there and looked at her.

“Pretty sure you're going to win, aren't you?”

“Yep.” Tired as she was, she could see that there was concern under the bluster.

“I'm not going to talk about it.” She said, her heart was starting to pound.

“Fine.” He shrugged. “I'm not gonna ask you about it. Twenty-nine minutes.”

Bethany didn't say a word, she just rolled her eyes and slammed the bedroom door behind herself. She slammed the bathroom door too. In the shower, she tried to get her anger under control. She knew he and the others had been away, and she had worried about him. By now she knew he could take care of himself and then some, but she cared about the big guy. It made sense that he might be worried about her too. Seeing him reminded her of that night, though.

It hadn't been so bad in the beginning. She was tired, but the idea of being turned into a werewolf was enough to keep her awake and alert. Bethany had hunted animals before. It was one of the ways she and her father survived and kept themselves fed. The first two she shot were like shooting any other animal. She felt a little twinge of guilt, but it certainly wasn't anything traumatic.

The group she was with was within sight of Red's group when he shot one at close range. That didn't really bother her either. He'd been the one to warn her that one was coming at her from behind. The quick turn threw her aim. Bethany wouldn't let herself go any further into the memory. Logically, she knew it wasn't his fault. Logic wasn't what was ruling her mind at that moment though.

She turned off the water and dressed in pink sweats. The outfit looked cheerier than she felt. He knocked on the bedroom door.

“Time's up. You decent?”

“No.” She answered without thinking.

“Too bad.” He opened the door as she was brushing out her wet hair.

“Hey! What if I hadn't been dressed?” She blushed deep crimson, even though she was fully clothed.

“You'd have hurried up. Ready?” She walked past him, her arms crossed over her stomach.

“I think I need a lock for that door, too.” He made sure she walked out first. Even though he didn't touch her, she could feel him close behind her as she walked down the hall. Bethany wondered if he thought she was going to try and escape.

As soon as he opened his door, a veritable flood of mewling cats and kittens trotted out from every conceivable hiding place. She walked in all the way, dropped to one knee and greeted them before curling up at her end of the sofa. For half an hour, she watched images on the screen blankly. She knew he was talking about something, but she had no idea what it was. He didn't seem to expect a response from her, either.

Bethany didn't know what made her eyes fill with tears, she knew as soon as it happened that in seconds it was going to overwhelm her. She got up.

“No.” He reacted faster than she'd expected.

“Please-” The word came out in a sob. She turned her face away from him and resisted weakly when he pulled her into his arms. He held her against his shoulder, and she wasn't able to hold back the flood of emotion any longer. After a momentary struggle, she clung to him.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Crying women weren't his thing. Hell, anybody crying wasn't his thing. When he saw her though, the state she was in shocked him. He'd heard that she wouldn't talk to anyone, he didn't think she'd look so haunted. He couldn't fix it for her, but he could get her talking again. At least, that's what Myers had done for him. Course his outbursts of emotion had run more toward violence than tears, but he wasn't a girl either.

He didn't know how long her body was wracked by sobs, and he didn't think she heard a word of what he said to her while it was. Honestly, he was glad about that part. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to someone in that state. He knew for a fact that she smelled like sweet pineapple and vanilla, even though he was trying hard not to notice. He'd pulled her into his lap, and she'd curled her body around his. His left hand cradled the back of her head. The fingers of his right hand rested gently at her waist.

Once the worst of her anguish passed, he felt her body relaxing into his.

“How can you still be so nice to me?” Her face was turned away.

“Why wouldn't I be? I mean, I guess you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm pretty much used to ya.” He felt a short little laugh shake her body.

“I killed-”

“A demon.” He said firmly. “The person it lived in was dead a long time ago. Had nothing to do with you.”

“But-”

“No buts, kiddo. You didn't hurt anything human.” He murmured close to her ear.

“I keep seeing her head-” She paused. “At the end.”

“You had any sleep?” He asked.

“I dunno, twenty minutes here and there.”

“I'll take that as a no.” He stroked her back lightly. She let out a comfortable little sigh that made his breath catch in his throat.

“I should go.” She murmured.

“Why?”

“Because I'm probably gonna fall asleep.” She stayed where she was.

“Sounds like a good idea.” She mumbled something about him being uncomfortable, but exhaustion pretty much took over. It didn't take long for her to be sound asleep. Red knew she should have just taken her back to her room, but he couldn't make himself let her go completely. He kissed the back of her head softly, and shifted her body so that she was resting next to him. She shifted again and then found comfort, the last of the tension left her body.

He lit a cigar and stretched out. This wasn't how he wanted to get her into his arms, but she seemed comfortable enough there for the moment. One of her hands rested on his chest, the other was curled up under her somewhere. He studied her face. Some of the tension was still in her forehead and around her mouth. He stroked her back lightly and hoped her memories left her alone long enough for her to get some actual rest. The fact that he liked the way she felt curled up against him was just a bonus.

*~*~*~*~*~*

When Bethany woke up, her arm and hand were asleep. The next thing that cut through the fog of sleep was deep snoring. She opened her eyes to find her her head was pillowed comfortably on Red's chest, one arm was around his waist. His left arm and tail were wrapped around her. He was stretched out with his feet resting on the coffee table. Bethany remembered being very sleepy after she cried, but she hadn't thought he would just let her fall asleep like that. She certainly didn't think he would just stay there with her all night. She glanced at her watch and saw it was a little after seven in the morning.

Bethany knew she had to get up, but even if she could get out from under his arm, his tail was wrapped around her waist. She knew that's what she should do. He was so warm though, and she loved the sensation of being close to him. She sighed deeply and reminded herself that he didn't think of her as anything but a friend. She arched her back, pressing closer against his body for a moment.

“What time is it?” His voice was sleep-roughened.

“A little after seven.” She answered, sitting up slowly. His arm let her go, his tail didn't.

“Damn, you always get up at this hour?” He sat up.

“No. I'm usually up more around eight. Sorry.”

“For what?” He rubbed his eyes. “I been woke up early before.”

“For falling asleep here to start with. I didn't plan on doing that.” Bethany realized she was blushing, she couldn't quite look at him.

“Yeah, but you slept.” He readjusted his position, then pulled her close again. Bethany relaxed into him.

“Yeah.” She smiled a little. “You probably think I'm a total nutcase.”

“Nah.” He smiled a little. “I think you never seen anything like that before in your life. You gonna be alright with it?”

“With a little time and a little help, I think I will be.” She looked up into his eyes. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” He stroked her back softly.

“I felt you trying to comfort me, that night. On the way back.” She lowered her eyes again. “I mean, not like I feel you touching me now, but I felt it.”

“I was hoping you did. Kinda made me worry when ya didn't answer, though.” One stone finger traced her jawline lightly, she looked into his eyes again.

“I just couldn't put it all together in my head. I kept thinking I killed someone's mother.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she went on. “The logical side of me is working on understanding that I didn't. Emotionally, it might take a little longer.”

“Am I gonna have to drag you out of your room again? Cause I will.” She laughed, his tail tightened around her waist.

“I know you will, but I don't think that will be necessary.” She looked away again. “I was really mad at you for that, you know.”

“Yeah I know. Still mad?” One stone finger caressed her jawline, she looked up at him.

“No. But if you ever walk in while I'm getting dressed again, I'll-” She poked his chest lightly.

“You'll what?” He raised his eyebrows, his eyes fixed on hers. A little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“Well, I don't know yet.” She fought to maintain a serious expression. “But whatever it is, you're not gonna like it.” Bethany smiled and snuggled closer. Something about the way he touched her changed. Or she thought it did, and it made her heart skip a beat.

“I should go.” She murmured.

“Why?” A warm stone finger caressed her cheek again. Bethany closed her eyes and found it nearly impossible to think of a good reason.

“Davis.” She said finally. He made a noncommittal little sound and moved forward. Bethany felt her heart start to race. When his lips were barely an inch from hers, Bethany put her hand on his face and stopped him. She didn't back away.

“If this is just a sympathy thing or something, I promise you I'll misinterpret it as more. If you don't want that-” Her voice trembled as she said it.

“I look worried to you?” Bethany could feel his breath. Her fingers traveled down to the front of his chest. His head started to move forward again, this time they were interrupted by a sharp rapid knock on the door. He moved away from her with a frustrated growl.

“I'm gonna kill whoever that is.” He grumbled.

“Red have you seen-” Myers started. Davis was behind him. They both looked at Bethany and then at Red. “Okay...ah....mystery solved then.” He and Davis back out of the door, but they left it open.

“I really should-” Bethany lowered her eyes.

“Yeah.” He sighed. “If you felt weird or anything-”

She kissed his cheek softly as she got up.

“Wasn't where I was aiming.” He smiled a little.

“A girl doesn't want to have her first kiss in front of an audience.” She whispered. He gripped her hand.

“Now I'm really gonna kill 'em.” He said. Bethany laughed softly.

“I'll see you later, if you want.” She smiled.

“Like I'd say no to that.” He smiled and walked out the door without acknowledging either agent. “MYERS!” She heard Red roar. Davis came trotting after her.

“Bethany-.” The agent followed Bethany into her room.

“Whatever you want to say is going to have to wait until I get out of the bathroom.” Bethany had been sheltered, but she wasn't an idiot. She knew exactly how it must have looked from the outside. Immediately denying that anything happened would only make it look like something did. She decided not to even mention that aspect of it. Davis was going to think whatever she wanted anyway.

“You weren't here, your bed hadn't been slept in-” Davis started as soon as Bethany emerged into the sitting room again.

“Coffee?” Bethany started a cup for herself.

“No. Do you know-”

“There are cameras all over this place. I'm surprised Big Brother doesn't watch me pee. How could you not know where I was?” The near-constant observation was something that had taken Bethany time to get used to. Cameras scanned the corridors and every public space at the facility. The only places that weren't monitored were sleeping quarters and bathrooms. The medical wing was monitored in a similar way, with the privacy of patients being maintained during treatment.

“The cameras in this sector were down last night.” She said. “And with the state you were in, when I didn't find you in here I thought something had happened to you. Apparently, something did.”

“Yes. I slept.” Bethany sat down at the table and watched the agent pace.

“You expect me to believe that you've been halfway comatose for days, you spend the night 'sleeping' with Hellboy and now you're all better?” She ignored the agent's insinuation.

“No, I'm not all better. The night's sleep put me in a better frame of mind to start getting better though.” She sipped the hot coffee. The thought of eating still turned her stomach, but the coffee tasted surprisingly good. “What exactly did you think happened to me? The cameras weren't out in the whole complex.”

“You were mentally unstable and you were gone.” The agent tried to speak slowly. “I didn't know what to think.”

“And I'm a flight risk. It'd be your ass if you lost me. Don't forget that.” Davis looked as if she had been slapped in the face.

“Who told you that?”

“Does it matter? It's true, isn't it?” Bethany said. The agent was silent. “That's what I thought.”

“It's my job.” Davis finally said.

“I know. You've done your job. I'm not dead, and I haven't escaped. Now you can get out.”

“Bethany-”

“You need to watch me shower too?” Bethany's gaze was cold. Davis took a deep breath.

“Do you need anything?” She asked.

“No, but I am going to go see Janet. Don't send out the cavalry.” Bethany shut the bedroom door.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Bethany found that Abe and the professor were both away, but Janet directed her to a therapist named Stan Bickers who helped agents deal with the traumatic stresses of the unusual fieldwork required by the BPRD. According to him, they met soon after their return but Bethany didn't remember. She wasn't certain she was going to like the pudgy, balding man at first either. By the end of the first hour, she was comfortable with him. By the end of the second, she was comfortable enough to begin to talk about that night. She made an appointment to meet with him again the next morning. Everything she was feeling hadn't gone away, but Bethany knew she would be able to unravel it.

Bethany ate a little bit of lunch and then decided that she couldn't sit in her room anymore. She dressed in running clothes, bypassed the gym and set out on one of the jogging paths that surrounded the facility. Some of them lead into wooded area, but the sight of the trees made her feel like she couldn't breathe. She opted for the fork that took her through a field and around a small pond.

As she ran she turned she started to pick at the entwined knot that her personal life had become. It used to be easy. When she'd started to show an interest in boys, her father watched her like a hawk. After that intense, hormonal time, her interaction with the opposite sex was still limited by Bethany's shyness and fear of revealing herself. She liked Glen, most of the time. The thought of seeing him when she was upset was the absolute last thing she wanted. He was too much work to be with when she was feeling good, probably because she couldn't ever be what he thought she should be. Stringing him along wasn't right either, though.

HB didn't come off as the comforting type at first. In fact, by looks alone he would seem like the last person to reach out to for any kind of emotional support. His sarcastic front didn't do much to change that first impression. Maybe it was a good thing that she a front of her own, it helped her see what he was really saying sometimes. Of course, thinking of him at all made her think of their almost-kiss, and that excited the butterflies in her stomach again. She was smiling a little and letting herself get lost in her musings when she got back to the building.

“You fucked that freak?!” Bethany ignored the shout at first. There was no way someone could be shouting such a thing at her. Glen grabbed her arms and spun her around to face him. Bethany broke his grip and shielded herself automatically.

“What are you talking about? I haven't done anything.” She could barely get the words out. She'd expected whispers and stares, not loud accusations.

“Bullshit! You were in there with him all night, you expect me to believe that nothing happened?” He tried to grab her arms again, but didn't try to force his way through the shielding. People were slowing down to watch the developing scene. It made Bethany want to go and hide.

“Do we have to discuss this here?” She asked.

“Oh yeah.” His anger changed his whole face into something frightening. He gestured at passing people. “They all know you're his whore. If you didn't want them to know you should have been a little more careful. Or are you just too hot for his cock to care what anyone else thinks?”

“All I did last night was sleep. Whether you believe it or whether you don't, I don't really care. That's the truth.” Bethany fought to keep the tremor out of her voice. “I hadn't slept in days-”

“Even if I believe this, which I don't, you didn't think of asking me for help?”

“No. I never thought of asking you for help, because you make me worry I'm going to say or do something wrong. I don't worry about that with HB.” He stepped back as if he had been slapped. “I'm sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you. I like your company, but I don't feel the same way about you that I feel about him. I don't think I ever will.”

“Of course he just accepts you, what's he going to do? Ask you to find another freak show? You could be normal-”

“I'm exactly as I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry you can't see that.” Bethany was exhausted by the drama. “And I've said as much as I'm going to say about this. I'm sorry you were hurt or embarrassed by what you think happened, that was never my intent.” She turned and walked away.

“You're just going to walk away from me?” He followed her. Bethany kept the shield around herself. She was fairly certain that he was only following so that it wouldn't look like she was in control of the situation.

“Yes, I am.” She answered calmly.

“You realize what you're doing?” He looked stunned that she wasn't about to beg for his forgiveness.

“Yes.” She answered. He stopped in his tracks. Bethany kept walking.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Red couldn't remember the last time he was so pissed off at Myers. The fact that he and Bethany were constantly interrupted was bad enough, but when the agent had suggested that Red would need clean sheets, it was all the demon could do to hold his temper. It wasn't that he didn't think about her that way, he did. It was just that everyone with eyes could see the state that she had been in. The idea that she would have come out of it to go to bed with him was completely ridiculous and insulting.

He'd spent most of the day working out and giving Myers the silent treatment. Part of it was because he that would bother Scout more than yelling would, part of it was because of Bethany. Red had no illusions about himself. He was a big, red demon with a stone hand and an irritable disposition. She managed to see through all of that to his softer side, but the rest of the world didn't. He didn't want to saddle her with the title of 'the cute girl who sacrificed a normal life to be with the freak'. On the other hand, she'd never shown the slightest desire to go back out into the world. From what he'd heard, she wasn't particularly comfortable even going out for the afternoon. He knew for a fact the first bond she'd made was with Abe.

As it got later, he started to wonder if he had been jumping the gun to wonder about any of it. She might have been afraid to hurt his feelings that morning. Or she might have reconsidered the whole thing afterward. When Myers brought his final meal of the night, he had almost given up on seeing her.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Once Bethany got back to her room she showered and napped fitfully for awhile. By the time she woke up, it was later than usual. Hopefully, he would understand that her body was still recovering from the prolonged lack of sleep. Getting dressed was another question. When she thought he looked at her as 'one of the guys' she didn't really think too much about what to wear. Now she was standing in front of her closet, picking through the clothes in a way she hadn't before. Finally, she decided that all this agonizing was ridiculous. He'd seen her bruised, bleeding, crying and mentally unbalanced, and he wasn't put off yet. She grabbed leggings and a long t-shirt. She made sure the t-shirt would cover her upper arm. It wasn't scabbed or bruised anymore, but the newly-formed scars were particularly ugly.

She walked the little ways down the hall in her socks. His door was open a little, as it usually was. She knocked on the metal frame.

“Red?” She hadn't meant her voice to be sound so tentative.

“Didn't think you were comin'.” He said.

“I'm sorry I'm so late.” She shut the door behind herself. “I fell asleep.”

“You sleep good?” She went to sit at her end of the sofa but he took her hand and pulled her down next to him. Bethany blushed a little and curled up against his side.

“Well, better than I have been.” She sighed and relaxed against him. His stone arm rested around her. “Stan told me-”

“Stan?” His tail wrapped around her waist. She couldn't help but smile a little at the sensation.

“Stan Bickers. He's a therapist, Janet introduced me to him. Are you always so warm?” She looked up at him with a little smile.

“It's a demon thing.” He wore a little half-smile. “This Stan guy, is he kinda short and fat?”

“Yeah, you've met him?” She asked.

“He was the only one allowed to see you when you were in the medical wing.”

“He told me he met me then. I didn't really remember it, but I know they sedated me at one point.” Bethany could feel any residual nervousness draining away. “Anyway, he told me the dreams were my unconscious trying to work through it, or something.”

“You gonna see him again?” His left hand traced over her fingers as they rested on his firm abdomen.

“Yeah, every day for an hour in the morning. For a little while anyway.” Her fingers reached out to his, stroking them lightly. “The every day thing might only last for a couple of weeks.”

“Then you took a nap?”

“No, then I went for a run.” She looked away. She really didn't want to talk about the scene with Glen. He might have even heard about it by now, anyway.

“Okay, you wanna tell me the whole story, or should I guess?” She looked up at him.

“Who told you?” She sighed.

“Nobody. Your back got tight.” He smiled a little.

“So that's why you do that.” She laughed softly. “Apparently the rumor mill has started, and Glen decided there needed to be a big embarrassing scene.”

“Damn, I'm sorry.” He sighed deeply and turned away. She reached up and touched his chin, he looked down at her again.

“I'm not sorry.” She saw surprise flash across his face. “I mean, I am about the public yelling part, but it wasn't like I was gonna see Glen again anyway. The rest of them can think whatever they want to think.”

“You really mean that.” He seemed surprised to hear it.

“I really mean that.” She smiled a little.

“So about this first kiss thing.” He was smiling a little. Bethany looked away.

“I should never have said-”

“Yeah ya should.” He pulled her closer. Bethany's heart fluttered in her chest, but her body was relaxed against his. One arm slid around his neck. When her mouth was an inch from his, Bethany paused. “Somethin' wrong?” He murmured. The side of his nose rubbed against hers. It sent excited shivers down her spine.

“Waiting for the interruption.” She whispered.

“Ain't gonna be one.” He smiled and moved forward again.

Their first contact was awkward and uncertain. Both shifted slightly, and their mouths found a more perfect connection. His tongue caressed her lips. Bethany was completely caught up in the physical sensations and the emotional chords they were striking. Her lips parted easily, and she let him take control of the kiss. A little mewling sigh seemed to move through Bethany's whole body. His tongue explored her mouth and her tongue teased it. She felt his deep groan as much as she heard it. His arms tightened around her. The world contracted, until there was nothing else in it except him. Bethany let herself get completely lost in the moment.