Succumb

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“O Rose, thou are sick,
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,
Hast found thy bed
Of crimson joy,
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.”

William Blake


Anakin was gone. Seconds after Cliegg Lars delivered the devastating news of Shmi’s abduction by a band of Tusken Raiders, Anakin had left the table declaring his intention of going to find her on his own. I found him above ground standing immobile in the dying rays of Tatooine’s twin suns. The pain on his face was heartbreaking to behold.

It was then that it struck me like a blow to the stomach. Oh gods, he had done it. Anakin had succeeded in his campaign. I was in love with him.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment as the realization swept over me.

I was disturbed to find that I could not pinpoint why I loved him. I could not name specific traits about him that had come together to capture my love. It was as if the very idea of loving Anakin had been planted in my mind with no information to support it, like an incomplete thought. I paid no heed to the tiny but persistent voice that told me there was a reason for this; that my own true feelings had been manipulated and changed against my will.

It did not matter then and it does not matter now. It was already too late to go back to that time when my thoughts and feelings had been my sole property. I was finding it more and more difficult to tell where I ended and Anakin began.

Call it an unbreakable bond. Call it a prison. The irrevocable truth was that I belonged to Anakin Skywalker. I always had. I always will.

I did not dare to speak the words. Our situations had not changed. He was still a Jedi in training and I was still a senator. Admitting my love for him, especially now, would only make the inevitable parting that much more painful. For part we surely must.

Telling myself that Anakin must never know, I buried my discovery down deep, determined to never utter those words to him. I would not allow myself to be responsible for destroying his life as a Jedi.

I stood facing him, our shadows cast against the baked earthen walls of the farmstead, his face a study in pain and anguish. I wished then for the ability to take Anakin’s pain inside of me. I wanted to make everything bad that had ever happened to him go away. I wanted to fix whatever was broken inside of Anakin and make him whole again. I wanted….Anakin.

All these thoughts and more raced through my mind making me feel dizzy. Not being able to tell him that I loved him was a bitter pill to swallow.

Throwing all thoughts of decorum aside I threw my arms around his neck and cried out his name. It was his turn to be taken back as he felt the desperation and sorrow in my embrace. I buried my face in his neck and inhaled his musky scent, barely refraining from placing a kiss against his heated skin. I only dimly registered Anakin’s words telling me to stay with the Lars until he returned. Too soon he disengaged and moved away, a promise on his lips.

“I won’t be long.”

Then he was gone and I was deathly afraid. My knees buckled and I sat down where I stood, my arms wrapping protectively around my body. I was chilled to the bone in that hot desert wind for I had realized something horrible.

I was not afraid that Anakin would fail to return but rather that he would.


****

“I-I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them.”

Anakin swung back around to look directly at me, his face a mask of rage and guilt. Unshed tears glimmered in his feral eyes as he moved towards me.

“And not just the men but the women and the children. They’re like animals! And I slaughtered them like animals. I hate them!”

Sour bile rose up in my throat as I listened to Anakin. I could not take my eyes away from those haunted blue eyes. The roaring in my ears grew louder and I had to steady myself by grabbing the nearest hard surface to avoid crumpling to the floor.

Shmi was dead. She had been tortured to death by the group of Tusken Raiders that Anakin had then killed.

"….the women and the children."

Anakin’s words reverberated in my head. What had happened out in the desert? What had happened to Anakin?

His eyes were wild. In the dim light of the garage they had changed from blue to black. I shut my eyes and fought off a sudden wave of nausea. When I opened them again it was to find Anakin watching me with rabid desperation. He looked at me as if I were his last hope.

Numbly I watched as he all but collapsed at my feet, burying his head in his arms. I felt completely helpless against the forces that had driven Anakin to kill without mercy. I looked down at his bent head and his quivering shoulders. I could not reconcile the Anakin I knew with the person who had just wiped out an entire group of sentient beings.

I sank down to join him on the floor and cautiously reached out to him. He leaned into me, his eyes begging for my forgiveness, my understanding, my help. I almost backed away from him then. He wanted too much from me. He wanted something that I had no power to bestow – absolution. I was struck by an illogical fear that, should I accept him into my arms, his crime would become mine.

Anakin sensed my hesitation and the childlike bewilderment that radiated off of him was my undoing. Without a second thought I wrapped my arms around him and drew his head down to lie upon my breast. His arms stole around my back, squeezing so tight I thought my ribs would surely crack. I murmured soothing but meaningless words into his hair as I pressed my cheek against his bowed head, swaying back and forth in an endless but comforting rhythm.


****

The suns had set long ago but I had no sense of time passing. I could have been rocking Anakin within the circle of my arms for hours or days. It did not matter. I cradled him to me as he mourned for his beloved mother, lamenting anew that he had not been in time to save her. I listened without really hearing as he cried for himself and for the terrible thing that he had done.

My body grew stiff and cold and still I rocked him.

Eventually his sobs faded away into nothingness and he relaxed limply against me. The sound of his slow and steady breathing kept time with the motion of my body as I mechanically stroked his hair and hummed a long forgotten Naboo lullaby from a childhood that was far behind me.

I stared sightlessly across the darkened garage that stank of oil and grime and wondered what I was going to do.

I felt everything.

I felt nothing.


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“Teach me how to repent; for that’s as good
As if thou hadst sealed my pardon, with thy blood.”

John Donne


Another dream.

Firm lips pressed against mine, light and warm. The soft brush of fingertips against my cheek.

I floated somewhere between sleep and consciousness, enjoying the remnants of that pleasant dream. I was reluctant to open my eyes and leave that peaceful world but the fog of sleep was already beginning to lift. Gradually I became aware that I was not lying in my bed but in strong arms against a heated body. I could feel slick leather beneath one cheek and the rise and fall of someone’s breathing.

Anakin.

Or was I still dreaming?

My eyelids fluttered opened languidly to find Anakin’s face just above mine. My lips still held the warm tingle from the kiss that had invaded my dreams.

Blue eyes met mine.

The lost look was still there amid the pain and sadness and my heart ached for him. Yet it was an oddly peaceful moment that we shared and I marveled at the feeling of rightness that came with being in his arms. But still, underlying that feeling of coming home was that sense that things were not quite right.

Anakin gently brushed a lock of hair back from my brow and then bent to kiss me again.

The second kiss was different. His lips were more insistent upon mine, more urgent this time. Still a bit sleep muddled I did not object and tentatively responded. Anakin immediately deepened the kiss, using his tongue to gently part my lips and slip inside. I sighed as a pleasurable heat spread through my body.

I might never have pulled away from him had I not heard him inside my head.

//Let me love you, Padmé//

My eyes flew open and I broke away from his persuasive kiss and invasive thoughts. The events of the evening came flooding back and I squirmed out of his embrace and clamored to my feet.

“Anakin, no. I-I am sorry. We can not….I can not.” I finished helplessly.

Anakin rose to his feet slowly and deliberately. His expression was one of annoyance and impatience. It was the face he displayed whenever he did not get his way, when his plans were thwarted.

Ignoring my words, Anakin reached for me and I pulled back sharply.

“No!” I yelled more forcibly, keeping my distance as I watched him warily.

I had to make him understand that I meant what I had said.

Anakin scowled at me but did not attempt to move towards me again. His stillness and silent watchfulness made me uneasy and I rushed to remind him of our last conversation on the subject.

“We have discussed this already. It is not possible for us. We agreed.” I said in an unintentional condescending manner that made me cringe inwardly.

It occurred to me then that I was trying to remind myself as well as Anakin. Perhaps I thought if I said it often enough I would start to believe it myself.

Anakin’s eyes flashed fire at my words and tone. I remembered that look. It had been there when Sio Bibble had addressed him as Master Jedi and I had interjected that he was still a Padawan learner. It had grown stronger when I had not consulted Anakin prior to choosing the Lake District retreat as a safe haven. It was a look that said I was against him too, that I was allied with the Council and Obi Wan; the very people he felt were holding him back by not allowing him to take the trials. Anakin did not like to be told what to do and he resented being considered a child.

I jumped as the untouched tray of food that I had brought him earlier lifted up from its resting place and flew across the room, smashing against the far wall. Anakin’s attention turned to the workbench next. He made a sweeping gesture with his hand and I watched in astonishment as a jumbled pile of parts and tools hurtled through the air. I covered my ears against the deafening noise as the flying parts rained down atop some metal sheeting stacked at the base of the wall.

I tore my attention away from the mess to stare at Anakin in disbelief. He stood with his back to me, body ridged with tension, fists clenching and unclenching, struggling to get himself under control.

I had always known that he had a bad temper. In fact I had suspected that part of his problems with Obi Wan and the Council stemmed from their concerns over Anakin’s battle to control his anger. But actually witnessing the manifestation of Anakin’s rage was a frightening revelation. I had never seen him, or anyone for that matter, lose control like he just had. And I certainly had never expected him to use the Force to fling objects about in what amounted to a childish temper tantrum.

No sooner had that thought formed in my mind than Anakin was swinging around to focus all of his angry attention on me. The breath caught in my throat in sudden awareness and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Oh gods, he had heard me!

I heard his horrifying words once more.

"Not just the men but the women and the children."

All my instincts were screaming at me to get out fast. But it quickly became obvious that getting out might not be possible. When the food tray had taken flight moments earlier, I had moved away from the doorway, the only exit from the garage. Now I found that to get to the door I would have to get by Anakin.

I started to move forward but Anakin read my intentions and stepped quickly to the side, effectively barring my path. Nervous panic set in and immediately I lunged in the other direction only to be met with the same results. With each block, Anakin maneuvered me back deeper into dim recesses of the garage. A taunting smile hovered on his lips as he stared down at me with cold eyes.

Abruptly the smile faded and his face grew severe as he considered me with narrowed eyes.

“Childish? You think me childish, Padmé? He asked me in a tone that thrummed with hostile intent.

Damn his Jedi powers!

I backed away from him, my eyes never leaving his face. It occurred to me then that Anakin’s feelings for me would not protect me from his wrath. I shook my head silently in response to his chilling question and kept backing away.

Anakin advanced towards me menacingly, fixing me with his predatory gaze, using his height to intimidate. My retreat was cut short when my back met wall. Anakin had literally backed me into a corner.

He smiled coldly at the expression on my face as my predicament dawned on me. Anakin actually seemed to be enjoying my growing distress.

That smile worried me more far more than I was willing to acknowledge.

Towering over me, Anakin leisurely ran an insolent finger from my temple to my jaw, ignoring the trembling of my body. He watched me with mock concern for a long moment before grasping my chin with punishing fingers. Anakin bent slowly closer, drawing out the tension until my nerves were strung taut.

“Tell me, milady,” he spat the courtesy title contemptuously. “Did you find me childish when I made you moan and sigh beneath me?”

I flinched visibly at that humiliating question, flushing red with embarrassment. To have my intimate and innocent responses to his lovemaking mocked and cruelly thrown back in my face wounded me deeply. Perhaps Anakin was unaware of how foolish a woman’s heart could be for I had cherished the memory of that afternoon in the meadow. Despite the way it had ended with my panicked flight, it had been my first unforgettable taste of passion and Anakin had been the one to introduce me to it. The fact that we had agreed to never let it happen again had made the memory all the more precious, especially after I admitted to myself that I loved him. Now with a few callous words he had taken that memory and turned it into something sordid and dirty.

“Anakin…..”

“Shhh.” Shushing me as if I were a child caught speaking out of turn.

I stared mutely into his hot gaze as he lightly ran his thumb over my bottom lip. That burning touch seemed to threaten something and a tremor ran through my body.

I yelped in surprise when he released my chin and abruptly shoved me back so that I was compressed between the two adjoining walls behind me. He squeezed my shoulders a little too hard for comfort and I winced in pain. Fear had finally taken me completely over and I fought to blink back the unwanted tears that were threatening to fall.

“Anakin, stop….let me go.” I practically pleaded.

He was not listening.

Despite my best efforts, a single traitorous tear managed to escape to roll down my face. Anakin’s searing gaze followed the tear’s descent with a lurid fascination before he slowly leaned in to catch the salty drop with the tip of his tongue. Then he tilted his head back and closed his eyes as if he was savoring the taste of my fear.

I swallowed hard at the unexpectedly erotic act and a shudder rippled through me. When he lowered his face back to mine I found myself coming forward to meet him as his tongue delicately traced the tear’s path up the curve of my cheek. I sighed shakily at the feel of his tongue as it rasped sensuously against my skin.

My resolve was weakening.

“Let me love you.” He whispered huskily against my ear, rubbing his roughened cheek against mine.

The words were spoken out loud for which I was almost pathetically grateful.

Anakin was tracing delicate patterns with his fingers over my shoulders and down my back as he waited for me to respond. I never knew that so light a touch could feel so completely wonderful. When his hands slipped up to cup my breasts through my tunic I whimpered softly and leaned into his touch.

His words, his touch, his nearness were causing my insides to churn. I wanted Anakin so badly it was like a physical pain. Summoning the emotional strength to keep up my resistance was impossible and with a sigh of defeat I let my head fall forward to rest against him.

Anakin nuzzled his face against mine with growing need, the light stubble rasping pleasurably against my skin. His hot, moist breath moved against my ear and then his warm tongue quickly followed. As he alternated between tracing the contours and darting his tongue inside, I shuddered against him. With a groan Anakin pulled me up hard against his body.

I offered no resistance when his lips found mine. He kissed me deeply, leaving no part of my mouth or tongue untouched. I gasped as my bones turned to liquid and I clutched at his shoulders, grabbing hold of his leather tunic in a futile attempt to anchor myself. He responded by running his hands down my back and pulling me even closer, molding me to his body. With his encouraging nudges and licks my head fell back, exposing the vulnerable column of my neck to his hungry mouth.

I was losing all sense of myself and my surroundings as Anakin’s lips slid down my neck. Teeth scraped against flesh, lips kissed and sucked with the intent to mark. All I was aware of were the new and intense sensations that Anakin’s tongue and teeth were sparking. His arms tightened around me as he made his way back up my neck, licking and biting until I could not stop the mewling cries of pleasure that emanated from me. The lips at my throat stopped their exquisite explorations and I opened my eyes in confusion, unsure as to what had happened.

Anakin was studying my face intently, almost clinically. Whatever he saw reflected there seemed to both amuse and please him at once. A twisted smile full of self-satisfaction and arrogance suddenly curled his lips.

It was like being doused with ice water. With dawning humiliation I saw that there was no warmth in his eyes, just cold calculation. He had been angry at me for refusing him and he had set out to prove that my objections could be easily overcome.

I stiffened in humiliation as he continued to leisurely study my flushed face. He was looking at me as if I were the subject of some twisted sexual experiment he was conducting. The way he had mocked me earlier for my verbal responses to his lovemaking came flooding back and I felt sick.

With all the strength I could muster, I pushed him away. To my surprise he released me easily; taking a step back but making sure that I was still effectively trapped.

I was furious at him but even more so at myself. Self-disgust washed over me. I did not understand how he could rouse such a response from my body despite all my mental efforts to resist. I detested my lack of control where Anakin was concerned. Being made to feel weak and easily subjugated was not something I was use to and I resented it deeply.

My anger and embarrassment grew as Anakin continued to watch me with that hateful detached air, as if I meant nothing to him. Tossing my head defiantly I narrowed my eyes at the arrogant Jedi before me. I was determined to show him, and myself, that he could not intimidate me any longer.

I was a former queen and a current senator and I would not allow this ’boy’ to make me doubt everything I believed in any longer. I made the decision to take a stand there and then and take back my mind and body. Love him or not, I would not be treated so contemptuously.

It was a foolish act of defiance. I neglected to take into account the nature of the beast I faced.

“I am not afraid of you, Anakin Skywalker.” I snapped with false bravado.

He stared at me a moment, an odd expression flitting across his face. His eyes softened for a split second and then reverted back to dark emptiness.

“You should be, you know.” Anakin sighed. "You should be very afraid of me.”

There are no words to describe the dead look in his eyes when he issued that warning. The blood drained from my face as I realized that he was right. I was in a situation for which I had no experience in handling. I had no working knowledge of the Force or the temptations of the dark side nor did I have any idea what role either was playing in Anakin’s life. I was overwhelmed and felt completely helpless. But most of all I was scared of this new unpredictable Anakin.

I did not know then how prophetic those words would prove to be. How could I have? I certainly did not understand that the warning given did not just refer to that particular moment in time.

Anakin closed the small gap between us with his words still hanging in the air. I panicked, reacting without considering the possible ramifications of my actions.

“No! Do not touch me!” I shouted desperately. Then I slapped him - hard.

Anakin reeled back from the force of my unexpected blow. It was impossible to tell who was more shocked, Anakin or I.

Remorse came sweeping over me even before my hand had fallen away. Violence of that kind was abhorrent to me. Except in the case of self-defense I had never hit another being in anger in my life.

The sickening sound of flesh hitting flesh rang in my ears as my conscious reminded me that Anakin was not himself; that his mother had been brutally beaten and tortured before dying in his arms less than a day ago. I could not have begun to understand the grief he was going through and I had just added to his hurt.

The guilt threatened to choke me.

Anakin rubbed his reddened cheek gingerly as he regarded me with hurt astonishment that was rapidly turning into a simmering fury.

I started to reach out to sooth the sting of the slap, to apologize for striking him. Before I could do either of those things, Anakin sneered at me with a cruel gleam in his blazing eyes.

My apology died on my lips and I took a quick step backwards.

I never even saw him move.

I did not think even a Jedi could move so fast. In a blur of motion, Anakin was suddenly looming over me as he grabbed a handful of my hair. Using his handhold as leverage he forced my head back cruelly, pulling so hard tears sprang to my eyes. At the same time he shifted me to the side so that I was no longer in the corner but pushed hard up against one of the walls. This new location allowed Anakin to press himself fully against me and he took full advantage, grinding his hips into me. I could feel the evidence of his need against my belly.

Not like this, I thought. Please not like this!

I stared up into those empty burning eyes and opened my mouth to scream.


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“I feel
The link of nature draw me: flesh of flesh,
Bone of my bone thou art, and from thy state
Mine never shall be parted , bliss or woe.”

John Milton


Anakin’s hard mouth clamped down on mine and muffled my scream, his tongue ruthlessly forcing its way past my lips. In that initial clash his teeth ground against my lips painfully and I tasted my own blood.

I tried to turn my head away from that assault but Anakin merely tightened his grip, bending my neck so far back I thought it would snap. My cry of pain met the same fate as my scream.

I did not try to move my head away again.

Anakin’s free hand roamed at will. I felt his searching touch at my breast, my hip and my thigh before his hand moved down to cup and squeeze my behind roughly. Despite the heat that was radiating from him, Anakin’s touch seemed cold and impersonal. My stomach muscles tensed in terror and my heart cried out.

He pressed me against the wall with the weight of his body, taking what he wanted from me. With much effort I managed to work one arm free to push clumsily at his head, my fingers tearing at his hair in an effort to relieve the overwhelming pressure of his mouth upon mine. I pulled with all my might and for a brief moment Anakin's lips left mine. Fierce but dead eyes stared into my terrified face and a spiteful smile touched his lips. With startling speed my hand was yanked away and driven back to impact painfully with the rough wall. Anakin held my wrist pinned to the wall, stretching my body taut. His smile grew a little wider as I winced from the strain. Then his mouth was crushing mine once more.

Inside my head a voice screamed in protest. Anakin was supposed to be my protector; he had vowed to keep me safe. Instead he was hurting me; frightening me with his anger and strength.

{Gods, please…please stop}

For a split second Anakin's lips stilled as if my internal voice had broken through his rage to find the boy who had long ago told me that he cared for me; the man who had said I was in his very soul. But when his teeth nipped sharply at my lower lip I knew his anger and pain had won out.

I continued to struggle but it was more on principle. Anakin was not only stronger but the way his body was positioned against mine left me virtually immobilized. After a few minutes all I had succeeded in doing was wearing myself out. A wave of exhaustion came over me and all of my energy deserted me at once. My body crumpled and I would have slid down the wall to the ground if not for the pressure of Anakin’s body against mine. If he noticed that I was offering no further resistance he gave no sign nor did he relent in his advances.

My scalp burnt from his forceful grip and my neck ached from the unnatural position it was forced to hold. A wave of dizziness swept over me as Anakin stole the very breath from my body. I wondered vaguely if it would make any difference to the outcome if I passed out. I had the horrible feeling that it would not.

Anakin released my wrist from where he had held it pinned so he could resume his exploration of my body. I let it fall listlessly down to my side, too tired and numb to attempt further struggles.

I escaped into my mind then, trying to block out what was happening to my body at the hands of Anakin. Even as my body all but surrendered my thoughts continued to race wildly. In a whirl of color the events of the past ran through my head, coming in and out of focus and in no particular order.

Anakin’s knee shoved my legs apart and a strangled cry of fear forced its way past my lips.

Thoughts and images flashed in my mind’s eye.

Blue eyes begging me for recognition.
Angry words.
Little Ani.
Lips seeking comfort, seeking submission.
Can’t breathe.

Anakin impatiently yanked the neck of my tunic to the side exposing a bare shoulder. I felt his teeth scrape along my collarbone.

The thoughts continued to swirl dizzily in my head.

Pain.
Death.
Torment.
Salvation.
Love.

Love. And then everything fell into place like the intricate pieces of an Alderaani puzzle box. Nothing else mattered. I had finally admitted to myself that I loved Anakin, that I wanted him. So why was I resisting something that both of us wanted and needed so badly? We could not be together indefinitely but we could have this one night.

"No one would have to know. We could keep it a secret."

Anakin was hurting so badly. He was slipping away from me even as he held me crushed against his body. I could not give up on him. And I would not allow him to take me so coldly, so impersonally. If he took me against my will I would hate him and if I hated him he was lost. I knew it deep in my bones. The certainty with which I accepted that truth shook me so hard I thought I really was going to black out. A painful tug at the back of my head kept me from fading into darkness.

For my entire political career I had worked to better my corner of the universe. I had tried to right the wrongs that I saw committed. Now, like so many of the causes I championed, I took it solely upon myself to fix it, to fix Anakin. I would repair the damage done to him by showing him that I loved him. Giving myself to him without the bonds of marriage went against my moral upbringing but I instinctively knew that it was the only way to reach him, to save him. And if it took the breaking of my heart to bring him back, then so be it. What was my heart compared to a soul?

I fought my way out of the lethargic state I had allowed to overtake me and pushed down my fear. Putting aside all that I had been taught, all my reservations, all thoughts of right or wrong, all thoughts of the consequences; I stopped fighting myself and Anakin.

He was mine and I was his.

Opening the floodgates that had held my passion, desire and love in check lifted a weight from my shoulders that I had been all too aware of carrying. In that moment I ceased being a passive victim and became a participant in the fight for Anakin’s redemption.

Feelings that I had fought so hard to suppress released themselves as I responded to Anakin’s brutish kiss with a hunger of my own. My tongue sought his out, caressing and tasting him. I grabbed at the back of his head with needy hands and encouraged him to kiss me deeper.

My sudden change of heart startled Anakin. He pulled his mouth away from mine and I took that opportunity to pay his neck the same homage that he had earlier paid mine.

Between frenzied kisses and bites I murmured his name, chanting it over and over like a spell to ward off the evil that was threatening to engulf him. When I pulled his leather vest and tunic apart and slid my hands inside to touch his bare chest, Anakin froze. I paused in my ministrations to risk a glance upwards. Anakin was staring down at me dazedly as if he had never seen me before.

His unwavering gaze made me hesitate, my shyness starting to reassert itself, but I forced myself to carry on. Without breaking eye contact, I reached up to cup his face tenderly before letting my hands run slowly down his body. I marveled at the feel and texture of his warm skin beneath my hands as I caressed his chest and stomach. Anakin stood as if made of stone as I continued to trail my fingers along his torso in further exploration. His ragged breathing was the only sign that my touch was affecting him.

I opened myself to him then and allowed him to read the answering desire and need in my eyes. Anakin’s eyes widened and a tremor ran through him but still he did not move.

Hands flat against his chest I leaned in to slowly place an open mouth kiss over his heart. As my tongue tasted his hard flesh, Anakin gasped. Encouraged at his response I boldly ran the tip over his nipple only to find myself grabbed and pushed violently away. He held me at arms length, his fingers digging painfully into my upper arms.

Indecision and confusion warred on his face. His previous anger and contemptuous disregard for me had vanished to be replaced by youthful uncertainty. He vacillated now, torn between his primitive instincts and the code of chivalrous conduct that had been drilled into him over the past ten years by the Jedi.

My heart lightened at the sight. This was the familiar Anakin I saw before me, no longer a forbidding stranger intent on taking his pleasure at my expense.

His eyes bored into mine, searching my face to find an explanation for my sudden change of heart. A silent question hung in the air between us. He was visibly shaking and I knew that the battle within him had not yet been decided. Anakin was using every last ounce of control to keep himself from pulling me to him again.

I watched with bated breath as Anakin grappled with his two opposing sides. The one side that wanted nothing more than to take what I was blatantly offering and the other side that wanted to protect me at all costs– even from himself.

With a shuddering sigh Anakin reached a decision. He dropped his hands so that he was no longer restraining me and moved to the side. I was being given the opportunity to leave if I so chose. Gone were the attempts to arrogantly take what he wanted, to impose his will upon me.

I smiled to myself sadly. That knowledge was bittersweet for it was too late for such considerations now. However I had arrived at my present state of mind and heart, the changes that he had wrought within me were permanent. I could no more have stopped wanting and loving him then than I can today. It would have been easier to stop the twin suns from rising.

Anakin shoulders slumped dejectedly as he waited for me to walk away from him. Just a few hours earlier I might have been able to take that walk of freedom - but not then. We were as one in spirit and I needed for us to be one in the flesh as well. At that moment in time I was sure that no force in the universe could ever tear us apart.

“Padmé?” Anakin breathed questioningly when he saw that I remained still, neither moving away from him nor moving closer.

I did not voice a response. Instead, with trembling hands, I reached down to pull Beru’s borrowed knitted tunic over my head. I let it fall carelessly to the dirty floor without a thought. I knew that I should have felt guilty for treating someone else’s property so poorly but I found that I did not care. Nothing else was important to me anymore. Nothing else except the thought of Anakin over me, inside me, loving me.

I shivered as I stood before him, my thin camisole top doing little to ward off the cold desert night air. His eyes had followed my every movement and now they darkened at the sight of my scantily clad breasts. Shyness once again reared its ugly head as his hot gaze swept voraciously over my curves.

He swallowed visibly, not meeting my eyes. Then Anakin turned sharply away from me and I found myself staring at his tension riddled back.

“Leave me.” Anakin said gruffly. “Go to the ship where you’ll be safe and I’ll – I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I am not leaving you.” I said firmly.

Anakin’s shoulders shook.

"Padmé, you don’t know what you’re doing.” Angry desperation filled his voice.

“Yes, I do. I need you.”

I reached out to run my hand up his back enticingly. At my touch he spun around, exhaling violently, his jaw rigid as he tried to remain in control.

I knew that I could not do what he asked. I could not walk away and leave him to the dark. Gathering my courage, I grasped one of his hands and brought it up to lie flat against my chest, directly over my heart. I shivered at his warm touch upon my cold skin.

Anakin stared at where his hand lay trapped beneath mine as if transfixed.

“Anakin?”

His gaze flew up to meet mine. For a long moment, I looked up into those tortured blue eyes that still glowed with a feverish desire. Then I pulled his hand up to place a kiss into his palm and pressed it to my cheek. Anakin’s eyes remained glued to mine.

“Anakin…..I need you to make me complete.” I finished in a slow whisper; unknowingly echoing the words of his dying mother.

A harsh intake of breath sounded and then there was no more hesitation. A deep growl rumbled from the back of Anakin’s throat as he pulled me to him brusquely, his demanding lips devouring mine. He sank to his knees and pulled me roughly down with him.

In the one concession that he would make to my comfort, Anakin spread Beru’s discarded tunic on the ground before laying me down and rolling me beneath him.

There was no time for tenderness. His need for me was overpowering and my desire quickly rose to match his. I found that his roughness aroused me to the point of madness. I reveled in the sound and feel of ripping fabric under his impatient hands, naked flesh sliding against naked flesh, and the possessive growls rumbling in the back of his throat.

Anakin grabbed the neckline of my camisole with greedy hands, wrenching it from my body. I cried out as friction from the straps burnt the skin on my shoulders. His breathing grew ragged as his wild eyes feasted on the sight of my exposed breasts. I whimpered as warm hands covered my breasts, roughly caressing them with callused palms. When his mouth descended to lave them with his tongue my back arched up and I cried out his name as something white-hot broke within me.

Anakin stroked my thighs through the tattered remains of my skirt before the last remaining barrier between us was ripped away. Wet heat met his searching fingers and he moaned against my breast as he felt the proof of my readiness. When he roughly spread my thighs apart an involuntary cry escaped me and I dug my fingernails into the muscles of his back in anticipation of what was coming next.

There was no consideration for my untried body, save for an agonized groan of apology seconds before he thrust in to me. Anakin’s hot mouth swallowed the cry of pain that might have brought the unwanted intervention of a well meaning member of the Lars family.

I screwed my eyes shut and tightened my grip on Anakin’s slick back. I welcomed the pain that seared through me before fading to a dull ache. I wanted to believe that I had somehow succeeded in my earlier wish to take Anakin’s pain as my own.

My breath came in short, harsh pants that mixed with the animalistic noises Anakin was making. I whimpered as he forced my legs further apart, straining untried muscles.

“Look at me, Padmé.” His voice was rough and commanding. “Look at me.”

My eyes flew open at the demanding tone that brooked no arguments. Anakin’s hard blue eyes held mine in a fierce gaze as he continued to plunge again and again into my battered body. His pace increased, each stroke now being accompanied by the same word echoing over and over in my head.

//Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine//

My eyes widened, concerned anew at the intensity of his feelings. Anakin’s possessiveness frightened and exited me all at once. He was staking his claim on my body, telling me that I was his and his alone. I swallowed hard at the implications of that one little word before surrendering to Anakin’s will.

I answered him through kiss swollen lips, affirming for all times his ownership of my body and my soul.

“Yours, Anakin, always yours.”

Triumph sparked in Anakin’s eyes at my declaration.

“Never forget that, Padmé.” He warned breathlessly.

Then Anakin swooped down to capture my mouth in a hard kiss that sealed our vows and left me gasping for air.

Sand and sharp stones scattered on the garage floor bit into my tender flesh. The force of Anakin’s thrusting pushed my body further off the tunic leaving just my lower back and behind marginally protected. He tightened his grip on my hips and the sound of his flesh pounding into mine mingled with my soft cries and his low moans of pleasure.

This was for him – all of it. I did not care that we were making love on the filthy floor of a garage without even the most basic of comforts. It did not matter that he had taken me in one hard thrust that tore through my maidenhead with an agonizing rip. I wanted his savage love making. I needed it to wipe out the memory of what he had done and what he had almost done. I needed to be possessed by Anakin, to have his brand stamped on my body. I was driven to keep him from slipping away and succumbing to that darkness that dwells within us all but truly manifests itself in only a few.

Anakin leaned over me, supporting himself on his arms, and drove himself deeper. My hips rose instinctively to meet his in a rhythm as old as the universe. I threw back my head and dug my nails into Anakin’s taut biceps. A harsh groan rumbled from his chest and he let out a shuddering cry before calling my name over and over. Deep within my body I felt his hot seed explode into my waiting warmth. His mouth covered mine in a desperate kiss as he continued to pump into me. Then, when he was completely spent, Anakin collapsed on top of me and buried his face in the hollow of my neck.

I stroked his trembling back, my hands gliding over glistening skin. Our bodies were glued together with our sweat and his essence. Anakin tenderly lapped at the moisture beading my chest and neck with his tongue. Eventually his lips made their way to mine and he kissed me slow and deep. My hands found their way to his damp hair where I wound his Padawan braid around one finger.

When our lips finally parted, Anakin looked deep into my eyes and smiled. His face was filled with wonder as if he could not believe what had just happened. He gently stroked the side of my face, pushing back stray strands of damp hair from my forehead.

Although he used no words, I felt the love radiating from him and I basked in the warmth. I returned the smile shyly and then he bent back down to continue that kiss that spoke of love, adoration and regret at having caused me pain.

We stayed like that for a long while, content to just hold each other in silence and exchange soft kisses and tender caresses.

The darkness within him had abated and I feverishly prayed that he would never give into it again.

Later, long after Anakin had covered us with his Jedi robe and fallen asleep, I lay trembling in his arms with my head pillowed on his chest. I felt the rise and fall of his steady breathing beneath my head and I listened to the beat of his heart as it tried to sing me to sleep.

It was then that I finally cried.