Succumb

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“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.”

Robert Frost


One night I had told myself.

One night to bring Anakin back from the edge of the black abyss above which he had so precariously balanced. One night to experience passion in the arms of the only man that I would ever love. One night that I swore could never, would never, be repeated.

Even as I had lain on the floor in Anakin’s arms I had known the truth. Anakin would never be satisfied with that one night. By giving myself to him then I had given my consent to be his and his alone; always and forever.

I had made a vow on Tatooine to never tell Anakin that I loved him. I told myself that if I never said the words out loud I would be safe. Withholding the truth about my feelings was my only chance, albeit a small one, to get him to see reason and accept that a future for us was impossible. It was also my only chance to go back to some semblance of my old life. That it would be an empty and lonely life without Anakin was something too painful to dwell upon.

Any hope of doing either died a swift death when I made that fateful miscalculation. Awaiting our certain fate, I had given into temptation and had told Anakin how I felt.

Strange how things work out, is it not? For we of course did not die that day on Geonosis. Sometimes, in my heart of hearts, I think it would have been better if we had.

So it was my fault really. Oh, I have no doubt that Anakin would have continued to pursue me even had I not confessed my true feelings. But once I let those damning words out, the very words that he had wanted to hear for so long, there was no going back. Armed with the irrefutable truth, Anakin was more determined than ever to do whatever it took to tie me to him forever.

All my life I had been trained to always do what was right, to be strong and reliable. But I had grown tired of always being the solid and dependable one. The urge to think of myself first, just for a little while, grew stronger everyday that I was in Anakin’s company. My natural reticence held me back, kept me from plummeting down that steep path into Anakin’s arms for as long as possible. But each day Anakin continued to knock down my defensive walls, one brick at a time. In the end, I stood at the top of that path swaying with indecision and fear until I was too exhausted to know right from wrong any longer. The black swirling chasm beckoned me, promising me love and desire if only I would surrender and in a moment of weakness I did.

It was no ordinary fall for Padmé Naberrie, for when I finally fell; I fell spectacularly.


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“Know that love is a careless child
And forgets promise past;
He is blind, he is deaf when he list
And in faith never fast.”

Anonymous


The battle on Geonosis was over. The dead had been collected and counted and the wounded were evacuated to the makeshift medical facilities on the newly christened ‘Coruscant’s Pride’, one of the Republic military assault ships stationed above the red planet.

The Clone War had begun.

Anakin and I were confined to Coruscant’s Pride for the nine days it took the newly created Republic military to finish their clearing operations and for the remaining Jedi to conclude their investigation into Count Dooku’s Separatist movement and their connection with the Geonosians.

Obi Wan’s wounds were serious but did not take long to heal once the bacta treatment was completed. Anakin, on the other hand, took almost four days, two of which were spent in a deep Jedi healing trance. In the end he had lost most of his right arm to Count Dooku and had been fitted with a temporary metal arm while he had been unconscious. My own wounds, courtesy of the nexu, were barely more than faint scratch marks by the end of the second day. The medical droid had assured me that even those would disappear within a week.

For the four days of Anakin’s recovery, I divided my time between the ship’s library and his bedside in the sickbay. Obi Wan did not approve.

I have no proof but I am sure it was Obi Wan who made sure that I was never alone with his Padawan during my visits. If Obi Wan were not already present upon my arrival to the medical center then he was sure to show up within minutes. On the occasions when he was unable to be present the sudden nearby attendance of several medical droids and human technicians hovering within earshot did the job. The situation was not lost on Anakin and he chaffed at the lack of privacy. I, on the other hand, was secretly grateful for the reprieve that Obi Wan unwittingly gave me.

But despite Obi Wan’s best efforts, Anakin found ways to circumvent the “guard dogs” as he called them. When backs were turned he would shoot me glances that would turn my insides to liquid and cause me to shift uncomfortably in my seat. But far worse were the wicked and suggestive things that he would whisper in my head. As long as Obi Wan was not present I was subjected to a constant barrage of Force thoughts from Anakin; full of the decadent things he wanted to do to me and what he wanted me to do to him. It never failed that when I left his side my face was flushed a bright red and my body was quivering with barely suppressed desire and shame.

Upon boarding, I had been scrupulous in my efforts to act the professional politician at all times, especially when I could be observed around Anakin. I was determined to keep what had happened between us a secret from everyone, especially Obi Wan. Having been witnesses to my treatment of Anakin in the hangar, I knew that it was up to me to allay any concerns he or Master Yoda might have.

Anakin had made his disapproval of my cool demeanor known and his eyes silently promised unmistakable retribution once he was released. With a sinking heart, I knew that going through with my decision to go our separate ways was not going to be something that he acquiesced to without a fight. My only hope was that our enforced stay would end soon and we could be on our way.

I had hoped that Obi Wan’s presence aboard the ship would prove an adequate shield until we either departed for Coruscant or I went home to Naboo. What I had not counted on was being so convincing in my performance that Obi Wan would be reassured enough to leave the ship and allow Anakin to reassume the role of my protector. Without knowing it, the Jedi Master played straight into the Padawan’s hands – and I could do nothing to stop it.

Obi Wan searched me out early the fourth day to inform me that Anakin was scheduled to be released late that afternoon. I had been working in the ship’s library, viewing the latest news from Coruscant on the HoloNet and had nodded absently.

My act as a preoccupied senator was going so well that it took a full minute for what Obi Wan was saying to register. Turning to face him for the first time, I broke character and looked at him with barely disguised apprehension. He was leaving for the surface to help with the investigation and upon his departure Anakin would be taking up residence in the cabin that Obi Wan would be vacating.

For the first time I found myself regretting being accorded those particular quarters. The ship’s commander had been uncomfortable with my presence from the moment I came onboard. Not only was I a civilian and a politician but, worse, I was also female and he did not want me mixing with his crew or officers any more than absolutely necessary. Obi Wan had his own concerns about my general safety and the two men had decided that the stateroom reserved for visiting dignitaries would be an acceptable solution.

At the time I had been grateful for the courtesy and had been quite content with the surprisingly spacious cabin and its adjoining private dining room and small lounge. But now I was faced with sharing the space with Anakin and, unless I was prepared to tell Obi Wan all that had transpired, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I swallowed the panic threatening to rise to the surface. The one person who might be able to stop his Padawan in his relentless pursuit was leaving us, for all intents and purposes, alone. I was not even to be afforded the buffer of Artoo or Threepio for they had remained on Geonosis to help the victors wherever they could.

“Senator Amidala? Milady, is there something the matter?”

My attention returned to Obi Wan with a snap. I murmured a hasty apology, blaming the distractions of my workload for my lack of attention. The weak excuse was met with silence and I shifted uncomfortably as Obi Wan studied me with that inscrutable expression of his. I do not know whether he believed me or if he just chose to overlook it due to his preoccupation with his impending departure. After a long moment he had merely nodded thoughtfully and continued on.

“I’ve made arrangements to have your wardrobe transferred up from your ship.”

Obi Wan’s unexpected consideration for my creature comfort caught me by surprise until I realized the motive behind it. The disapproving gaze that flickered over my clean but tattered attire was not missed and I self-consciously fingered the frayed edge of what now amounted to my top. With no other options, I had had no choice but to wear the same outfit I had been wearing since departing Tatooine for Geonosis. Obi Wan’s sudden concern with the state of my dress was not based on consideration but rather it was in direct response to the amount of attention Anakin had paid to my bared mid-drift during my visits. On several occasions Anakin had made it fairly obvious that the amount of flesh being displayed was infinitely more interesting than conversations with his Master. Obi Wan had not commented on his charge's inappropriate behavior but he had obviously not missed the cause.

I looked up to meet Obi Wan’s gaze and for a fraction of a second I fancied that something else besides disapproval hovered in those serene green eyes. Then he blinked and whatever it was that I thought I saw was gone. When I looked again his expression was nothing but polite indifference, leaving me with the impression that I had imagined the whole thing.


****

True to his word, within an hour of Obi Wan’s departure my wardrobe had been retrieved from my stranded ship and delivered to my quarters. Although I was amused that he had not wasted any time, I was also very grateful to be able to throw the ruined outfit away and put on a more concealing dress. Clones or not, they had reacted in much the same way as Anakin had done and I suspected that was a secondary reason for Obi Wan’s haste.

I changed into one of my more simple gowns and then addressed the problem of my hair. Wishing for the hundredth time that Dormé was with me, I settled for dressing it simply and pinned it up in a loose twist. Exasperated as several curling tendrils refused to stay put, I finally gave up and decided to leave it alone rather than starting all over again. I nervously smoothed an imaginary crease from my dress as I checked my appearance in the mirror one last time.

The reflection that stared back at me was unfamiliar to me. My eyes were shadowed with worry and I thought that I looked paler than usual. Not surprising considering that my nerves were strung tight and I had not slept well since meeting Anakin again.

I glanced at the chronometer anxiously. Anakin would be released in time for dinner and though that was hours away, I was already an emotional wreck. I could not stop worrying about how I was going to handle that impossible situation. It would be the first time since we had left to rescue Obi Wan that we were truly alone. Would he expect to just pick up where we had left off now that he knew without a doubt my true feelings for him? Would he expect to share my bed?

There had been no time to discuss what had passed between us that night on Tatooine. The vow of just one night had been mine, not his, I remembered guiltily. We had been together as only husband and wife should and I had since foolishly told him that I loved him. Now I was going to have to reiterate that we must go our separate ways. I refused to acknowledge to myself how completely unrealistic I was being by actually expecting him to not only revert to the way things were when we had departed Naboo but to be happy about it.