Succumb

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“Doubt that stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.”

William Shakespeare


Anakin was impossible. In the course of our daily activities around the ship he took advantage of every opportunity possible to touch me or brush up against me in secret provocation. None of his actions could be construed by anyone observing us as anything but innocent or simple courtesy. Only I knew that with each touch he was reminding me of what had transpired between us and silently promising more. My warning glares and hostile body language did not deter him in the slightest. When I managed to catch his eye in admonition, he would just look back at me in wide-eyed innocence before allowing a slow, mocking smile to spread across his face.

The incident in the library had been just the beginning. Over the next three days Anakin stalked me mercilessly. If I were engaged in conversation with an officer, he would have my insides churning with one of his smoldering looks. When he graduated to once again whispering improper things to me in my head, I learned to quickly end any conversation that I happened to be involved in. I was convinced that the members of the chief staff thought I was a stammering idiot.

But as embarrassing and discomfiting as that was, it paled in significance with what happened when he found me alone. No matter where I was on the ship, Anakin would find me. It was always the same. One minute I would be staring out a view port or reading my datapad when, with no warning whatsoever, Anakin would be there; kissing me, touching me, arousing me until I thought I would implode. And when I was aroused to his satisfaction he would depart as suddenly as he had appeared; leaving me aching with need and frustration.

I came to the swift realization that what had happened in the library had been cleverly planned. Up until that day, I had only had the smallest taste of the joys of the flesh and Anakin had purposely set out to show me exactly what I was missing. He performed his task well.

So I could not be alone and I could not be around others without fear of humiliating myself beyond repair. There was no respite. Not even at night.

The dreams were sweet torture from which there was no escape. So real were they that when I inevitably woke with the bed sheets twisted and my body damp and trembling, I was shocked to find myself alone. My only consolation was that Anakin appeared to be getting as little sleep as I. Both of our nerves were at the breaking point and I was worried what would happen should Anakin snap first.

It had come down to a battle of the wills.


****

Desire and longing were my only reality. The wanting filled my every waking moment and invaded my dreams at night. My senatorial duties and responsibilities were ignored, I lost all interest in what was happening with regards to the war, and, what was worse, I no longer recognized myself as the strong willed politician who fought for what was right and just. Anakin consumed my every thought.

I no longer made daily trips to the bridge or sought out the company of others. Anakin was constantly by my side and the air around us crackled with barely suppressed electricity; I was afraid to see the acknowledgement of that fact in the eyes of the strangers I was surrounded by.

It was the evening of our seventh day on the Republic ship and I continued to unravel.

Anakin had left me to do his evening meditation exercises. Just that morning he had been rebuked by Obi Wan in a communications transmission for not keeping up with his studies. Since Anakin was still under censor and had yet to atone for his defiance of his Master's order to stay on Naboo, he had grudgingly decided it wise to resume his Jedi routines.

The result was that I had two blissful hours in which I was alone. Without the constant fear of expecting Anakin to appear around every corner my mood lightened to an almost comfortable degree. But even with the lessoning of tension, I was unable to sit still long enough to do anything remotely productive. Eventually I decided to work off some of my nervous energy by walking the long corridors of the ship.

In the back of my mind was the wishful thought that if I tired myself out enough I might have a chance at a night of dreamless sleep. If the smudges under my eyes were anything to go by then I needed it badly. The events of that afternoon, the whole misguided incident with Captain Benor, and Anakin’s reaction, had hardly helped matters.

When I returned to the stateroom, weary yet not sleepy, it was to find that Anakin had also returned.

I stopped so abruptly that the main door brushed against my back as it slid shut behind me. The scrape of metal against my body barely registered in my muddled state. For a long while I stared at the prostrate form sprawled out on the couch in peaceful abandon.

My mind told me to move; to go to the safety of my room as quickly as possible and palm the lock on the door just as I had done every night since Anakin had taken up residence in the second sleeping cabin. But my traitorous body refused to obey. It was my first opportunity in a long while to observe him openly and without his knowing eyes watching me back and I was drawn to him like a glowmoth to a fire.

I knew I should avoid him. There was little hope he had calmed down after the unintentional hurt I’d inflicted upon him when he’d dragged me into that isolated alcove. I shied away from dwelling on that whole humiliating scene, sure if I thought about it a moment more I would go utterly mad. So instead I unwisely let the lure of the oblivious Jedi sink its claws into me and draw me towards the danger that was Anakin.

As quietly as I could I approached his slumbering figure. I stopped a few meters from Anakin; well outside arm reach should he wake unexpectedly.

He lay on his back with his hands clasped across his stomach. His left leg was bent at the knee and rested against the back of the couch while the right lay straight, its foot hanging off the end of the too short piece of furniture. My lips quirked in forgotten amusement, the designers had clearly not taken into account the fact that couches often served as makeshift beds.

Relaxed in sleep, Anakin's face looked deceptively innocent with barely a hint of the man who had ruthlessly set out to win my heart and to conquer my body. My eyes lingered over the contours of the face that still held the kiss of the Tatooine sun and the blonde spiky hair that appeared almost brown in the dim light of the room. He looked so young but it was just a kind illusion. Anakin's life had been difficult and he was older than his years would lead one to believe.

Unable to stop myself, I moved closer until I stood directly over his prone body. I let my gaze stray from his firm sleep relaxed lips, down the smooth column of his throat, and over the hard planes of his bare chest visible through the opened edges of his under tunic.

My breath caught in appreciation. I had always considered him handsome but then I acknowledged that he was beautiful. Smooth, golden skin covered hard muscle honed by a decade of intense lightsaber practice and Jedi exercises. He was graced with height and broad shoulders and I could not but help to admire the way his narrow hips tapered down to lean, athletic thighs.

I felt a sudden tightening in my abdomen and my face was suffused with heat as a not entirely unwelcome surge of desire sang in my veins.

The slow, rhythmic rise and fall of his chest held my fascinated gaze. My own breathing grew uneven and jagged, sounding overly loud in the quiet room. I dropped to my knees at Anakin's side when my legs suddenly refused to support my weight any longer. The urge to touch him was overpowering. I glanced swiftly back at his face to make sure that he was still safely asleep and then hesitantly reached a visibly trembling hand to rest lightly atop his muscled thigh.

The rough material of his Jedi leggings bristled against my overly sensitized palm. The heat was scorching and I shivered in response. Slowly, almost absently, I dragged my fingertips down the length of his thigh, marveling at the taut muscles that made a man's body so different from that of a woman's.

My breath quickened. Playing with fire is both foolish and dangerous. It is also highly addictive…..and enjoyable.

I remembered that night on Coruscant when I had dreamt that Anakin caressed me as I fell asleep. Up until then, despite the ardent looks and intense aura he had made little effort if any to hide, I had still clung to that image of the sweet little boy from Tatooine. I had willed myself to believe that his touch had been an invention of my overly wrought emotions but deep down I had known. It had not been a dream and I finally acknowledged the truth as my own hand now moved up his body.

That was the night that any real lingering doubts as to what Anakin wanted were dispelled. It just took me a long time to admit it to myself.

A breathy moan passed my parted lips as my fingers made contact with the bare skin of Anakin's taut stomach. It was like touching heated marble, smooth and warm.

So engrossed was I in the feel of Anakin's skin beneath mine as I moved up the hard surface of his chest that I failed to notice the tensing of his body.

In the blink of an eye my wandering hand was captured in a fierce grip and I let out a startled scream as my eyes flew up to see that Anakin was very much awake. His expression was hooded and unreadable as he watched my face go first white then a fiery red.

"Padmé, what are you doing?"

My mouth opened and closed silently as I was held captive by knowing eyes. When I did not answer he propped himself up on his elbow, bringing his face a little closer. The motion jarred me out of my speechlessness.

"I – I don't know." I finally managed to whisper.

It was a lie; I knew it and Anakin knew it. I could see it in his expression as he narrowed his blue eyes at me.

His tone was flat with certainty. "Yes you do."

I swallowed nervously and looked away. But I did not resist when, with gentle but insistent pressure, Anakin began to pull me slowly forwards. Like a coward, I shamefacedly refused to meet his eyes; instead I kept my gaze locked blindly on our clasped hands.

I shivered as Anakin's lips moved the air against my ear.

"Say it."

When I remained silent he darted his tongue out to trace the shell of my ear. His hot breath curled my toes and sent frissons of excitement and longing through me. I expelled a shaky breath that turned into a low moan when he nipped at my earlobe sharply.

"Say it, Padmé. I want to hear you say it."

The grip on my hand tightened imperceptibly and reluctantly I turned to meet his eyes. Our faces were only centimeters apart; I could feel the warm puffs of his breath against my skin.

"You want me." Anakin said. It was a statement, not a question.

I hesitated, knowing that I was being asked to let a door slam shut behind me as I moved towards a future that terrified me. My heart constricted.

"Yes." I sighed after a tortured moment.

But Anakin wanted more from me.

"You want me as much as I want you, don't you? Tell me." Anakin's voice was low and hypnotic.

At his words I groaned and my entire body tightened in response. Resignation flooded through me and I bowed my head in supplication.

When I finally met his cobalt gaze again, my eyes shown with the same unwavering intensity that Anakin's had always possessed when he looked at me.

"Anakin, I…..."

A chime sounded throughout the too quiet room, breaking the spell and cutting me off before I could speak the prompted words. I jerked quickly backwards. In an instant I was on my feet backing away from Anakin, shaking my head to clear the drugging cloud that had enveloped my mind. Anakin stared at me for a moment as if waiting for me to complete my sentence. When the chime sounded insistently again, he was up and angrily striding towards the door to confront the person who had dared to interrupt him.

The door opened to reveal a young officer. I did not pay attention to what was said. I was numb. The thought of how close I had come to relenting turned my blood to ice. Fatigue and emotional overload threatened to collapse my legs and I leaned back against the wall for support.

Through the haze I found myself in I could just make out the insistent buzz of a murmured conversation. Anakin's tone was impatient and harsh as he barked at the interloper. Then the door was sliding shut and he was standing in front of me.

"I have to go. Obi Wan needs to speak to me."

"Obi Wan? He's on the ship?" My voice was too eager and Anakin frowned.

"No, he's transmitting from Geonosis."

I tried to hide my disappointment at the news. For one moment I thought it was over.

"We won't ever be over, Padmé."

Anakin bent and kissed me roughly, pressing me between his hard body and the solid wall at my back. The heat and desire of moments ago came rushing back and I returned his kiss with an abandon born of desperation.

With a muttered curse that insulted Obi Wan's parentage, Anakin pulled away.

Anakin straightened reluctantly. "I have to go."

His entire body was tense in an effort to regain control.

"Knowing my Master this will probably take awhile. Don't wait dinner."

A gentle hand tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"Tee'ana su kom tiya, Padmé?"

Without thinking, without realizing; I answered.

"Yes."

His smile was full of arrogant satisfaction and possessive pride at my whispered response. As he turned to leave he threw a smile back at me that promised a continuation of what had been interrupted.
And then he was gone.

Anakin's words about dinner rang in my ears and I shivered in premonition. It was so ordinary, so domesticated; it sounded as if we were already married.

It did not occur to me until later that I had used the word 'already' without a second thought.


****

Anakin had not returned by the time I went to retire.

I stared for a long time at the coded locking device on my cabin door. The very fact that I was hesitating to secure the door had me frowning in self-disgust. I was being weak and ridiculous. I knew that I could not let my basic instincts rule my life, especially now. And I did not trust Anakin to respect the sanctity of my room should he take it into his head to follow through with his silent promise to finish what had been started earlier that evening.

With a mental shake, I straightened my shoulders and determinedly punched in the locking code with more force than was necessary. When I finished I stared at the red light that confirmed the door was locked with a growing sense of unease.

Anakin would not like my defiance.